Reviews For The Orchard


Name: MadiMalfoy (Signed) · Date: 26 Jan 2020 07:17 AM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

Hiya! 

 

I saw this in the recently updated Hufflepuff stories and thought I’d check it out! This seems like a unique take on the Marauders era ladies so far just from this first chapter. Ooh, is this Mafalda that Mary is talking about the Mafalda Hopkirk from Deathly Hallows? If so, I love that touch! I love the closeness these girls clearly have, and their patterns for the train ride to Hogwarts that they’ve settled into once more. Clearly the dynamic between Mafalda and Florence has some underlying tension there, but Mary obviously just accepts it as it is, which is true to female friendship in their later teen years. Florence definitely seems like she’s got some stuff she’s working through, and maybe some beef with Lily because of her friendship with this Ravenclaw girl, Laura, and I’m curious to see where that goes in future chapters! 

 

You’ve set up the beginning of the First Wizarding War very subtly here -- the tension between the Slytherins and Mary MacDonald are clearly evident because of her half-blood status and whatnot. All the hushed conversations avoiding the exact topic everyone’s mind is really on, and who they’re hoping is doing okay with all of that. Lily is clearly very concerned for her Ravenclaw friend though, and I wonder if that has to do with her personal blood status and/or her friend’s blood status. I’m curious too what that cross-bred animal Hagrid had last year was -- we know he’s got a penchant for it, but this was obviously one of his more dangerous creations if it was removed from his hut. 

 

All in all, I think this is a great setup and really helps to set the mood and the tone of this novel, and we get to see these characters really develop and grow into adulthood, which I am really looking forward to! Great start to this piece :)

 

~Madi



Name: LadyMarauder (Signed) · Date: 24 Jan 2020 06:23 PM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

This was a brilliant opening chapter and I’m already obsessed!

 

Mary makes for a really interesting protagonist as I don't think I've ever read anything with her front and centre, so I'm really glad I clicked on this one. She seems a bit...less excited about the start of the school year and I liked that she noted that she's just used to magic and nothing really excites her anymore.

 

Magic, for all it could do, created beasts and monsters of them all. 

 

That really grabbed me as, of course, it's completely true. I'm guessing the Slytherins are giving her a hard time for whatever they did to her in The Prince's Tale chapter, is that right? She's obviously not in a great place from that and so your descriptions of how she feels throughout the chapter were spot on, without her actually spelling it all out. I loved that.

 

I hope we find out exactly what happened to her, I'd love to know your theories on what the future Death Eaters actually did. Is that morbid? Sorry if it is!

 

I liked your other OCs - Mafalda and Florence - they seem like a really intriguing trio and a friendship group that really balances out well and they’re not carbon copies of each other, which I really like. I also love how you described Lily as a real girl rather than the supermodel she’s usual portrayed as. I felt this made the story much more realistic.

 

I’m looking forward to seeing where you take this story!

 

Tasha x




Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 07 Dec 2019 10:24 AM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

Hello, Zayne! :)

I don't think I ever had the pleasure to talk to you or read anything by you, but I'm here on Treacle Tart's behalf to spread some holiday cheer! Also, I'm sure this story was mentioned somewhere, and I love Marauder era a lot, so I had to stop by... :P

I really liked this starting chapter! I don't think I've ever read a story from Mary Macdonald's POV, except maybe once, and I really loved what you've done with her so far. She seems a really nice girl and I really love her thought process and the way she perceives everything around her.

Your writing was really good as well, you have a lovely style and a great pace, everything felt well balanced, with very nice description and very natural dialogue, it's really nice to read! :)

I love how everything seems so dull to Mary, less bright, less magical... it's so true that as we grow old things that used to elicit awe and happiness become ordinary and boring... although I suppose the shift for Mary is mostly due to the previous year's incident, the one mentioned in "The Prince's Tale", am I right? I wonder what exactly the Slytherin boys did to her... also, is she a Pureblood in this story? I always assumed that she was Muggleborn, but there's actually no reason for it, except the incident itself... it's an interesting perspective (from the way you wrote the beginning I was sure she was Muggleborn, which would make her earlier years even more full of wonder and excitement, but I suppose that's the case also for Pureblood students, which is again an interesting thought).

I was also surprised that Lily isn't the Prefect here. I thought that was pretty much canon, but who cares, everything's fair in fanfic :P And I like Mafalda, she seems a good fit for that role. :)

Florence is... probably not the person I would be closest to in real life, but I love the balance she brings to the group with her harsh honesty and negativity, but also blind loyalty. She seems the kind of person who will criticize everything and everyone but who will also punch anyone who dares hurt someone she cares about... and I love that! :)

I wonder how you will move the story on. I also wonder what happened to Laura and if Lily will get closer to the Gryffindor girls as the story progresses (and why she wasn't particularly close to them before now... was it Snape's fault? At least partly? Especially with how she treated you- What was Florence referring to here?)

And I know you said romance won't be the main feature of the story, with which I'm totally happy, to be honest, but I'm still wondering how that'll come in play, especially because you listed Peter/OC in the story shell and I have a big love for Peter... (and of course I'm a big Jily shipper, so I really want to see that as well) :P

Lovely work on this! Hopefully I'll be back sometime in the near future (maybe come poke me on the forums?)

Happy holidays and snowball hug,

Chiara



Name: MuggleMaybe (Signed) · Date: 06 May 2018 12:33 AM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

Hello Zayne!

 

I remember hearing about this fic back on HPFF. If I recall you got quite a few award nominations for it, too. Anyways, I'm excited to see it here and looking forward to reading it.

 

The first thing that strikes me is how different this feels from most Marauders stories I've read. It's very gloomy in tone - you use the weather to great effect, by the way. Honestly, when I think about what's happening in the world, with the war chasing their skirts, it makes sense that things would feel somber, but I don't usually see that. And the characters are also more serious, while still seeming like teenagers. 

 

The way you introduced Lily!

"The compartment door opened again to reveal a tall, slightly gangly looking red head whose hair was mused as if she had forgotten to brush it this morning. Chances were, she had. Lily always seemed to have a mission and that didn’t usually include a dynamic morning routine."

It's so completely different from any other description of her I've ever read. Usually she's described as being super gorgeous, and your description does not have that Beauty Queen effect. I really apprecite that. 

 

When I found out Lily had a friend in Ravenclaw I was immediately curious. I am very excited to meet Laura and learn how she and Lily became such good friends. 

 

Mary, Florence amd Mafalada are intriguing OCs. I want to get to know them better. I'm think Mary is seen as a blood traitor. And Florence reminds me of Mai from Avatar the Last Airbender, if you're familiar with that show. The whole episode with the nail polish was hilarious and perfect. 

 

I feel sad that Mary is coming into the year with quite a depressed attitude, and I hope she has some happy expeirences soon. Also, I'm really interested to see where you take this, and how the relationships develop over time. 

 

Looking forward to this!

~Renee



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 31 Dec 2017 12:47 PM · For: Chapter 4: Chains

Oh, Lily. Completely harmless? Really? I have a hard time believing that, and I have to side with Mary (and everyone else) on this one.

 

It's interesting to see Mary explicitly turn the assumption I made in chapter one on its head, though, and attribute Lily's idealism to her being more removed from the wizarding world. I can see how that would work, too, actually. God, what happened to Mary, though? It's clearly not just "things have gotten bleaker," though that obviously doesn't help.

 

Reading this now (and opposed to the first time I read it a couple years ago), I'm finding myself having a different reaction to Florence that I did back then. She's definitely still abrasive, but I think I understand it more now - I get why she's so angry with Lily in particular, because I would be, too. Lily's friendship with Snape as it relates to her relationships with non-Death Eater sympathizers is never really touched on, and I'm glad that you're doing so here, because it's so, so realistic.

 

Amazing job!



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 31 Dec 2017 12:41 PM · For: Chapter 3: Ancients

You made me so excited when Laura sought Mary out, and then you dashed my hopes immediately. You are terrible. (And wonderful.) I love, though, the way that Mary's reactions are very clearly individual and based on her own experiences, not gratifying the reader's reactions and curiosity. It makes her feel thoroughly developed as a character, and it really makes me wonder what's going on in her head - and in her past. Because that's the key, I think - the more I read, the more I'm convinced that there's something deeply traumatic that's happened to her. I'm not sure if it's whatever Lily was referring to with Snape in the memory in DH or something else entirely, but either way, my heart goes out to her. I also love the intricacies you're introducing in terms of her relationship with Florence - it's sad, but sometimes people fit so well together and then just... stop fitting. I feel like that's happened here - whatever Mary says, it just feels like Florence is criticizing her rather than encouraging her, even in a tough love sort of way - but regardless, it's so hard and painful to go through, and it's not something that it seems like Mary has the emotional capacity to handle right now.



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 31 Dec 2017 12:40 PM · For: Chapter 2: These Walls

FYI - there's some weird formatting stuff at the very top of the chapter that you might want to try to fix. I just wanted to mention it so you knew. :)

 

Ahhh, I was wondering whether something had happened to Laura. Well, you're just hammering in "THIS IS A WAR" from the get-go, aren't you? I have no idea what happened to her, but she's clearly shell-shocked and dealing with some pretty major trauma. I find the way you're having her withdraw rather than act out to be interesting - it's such an individual thing, but I've always been more comfortable with acting out than with catatonia (probably because that's how I react to stress).

 

Florence is really getting on my nerves, though - I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way, though! She's not just sarcastic and snarky, she's a little mean-spirited... but people don't all react to trauma and stress differently, and I like that there's a range of personalities from the major characters. <3  I liked Mary's conversation with James, too - it did make me realize that my assumption about her being Muggleborn was off-base. I guess Death Eaters don't discriminate - they'll go after blood traitors, too! It was so interesting to hear his perspective.

 

Loving this story.



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 31 Dec 2017 12:35 PM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

I really loved the juxtaposition here between Mary and a lot of her fellow students. I can appreciate meeting the train with a "Oh, come on, another year?" in normal situations, and this situation isn't normal - there's a war going on that Muggleborns are major targets in - IMO, even more so than Muggles, who can hide in a crowd a little better, and I can see that having a significant effect on Muggleborns who've got to be feeling fairly disenchanted with the wizarding world just now. However, I also felt like you did an amazing job of balancing how Mary's a little soured to the wizarding world right now. However, while I definitely got an undercurrent of that throughout the chapter, I appreciated the fact that it flowed with the narrative rather than weighed everything down with moroseness. You did an amazing job of setting the scene for the story, and you introduced a lot of really intriguing interrelationships that I can't wait to read more about. Lily's not being a prefect did confuse me a bit - I thought canon was that she was? but whatever. I'm not super invested in the Lily-the-rule-follower interpretation anyway. :P

 

Great job!

 

[transferred from HPFF]

 

 



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 05:59 AM · For: Chapter 4: Chains

Oh, Lily. Completely harmless? Really? I have a hard time believing that, and I have to side with Mary on this one. It's interesting to see Mary explicitly turn the assumption I made in chapter one on its head, though, and attribute Lily's idealism to her being more removed from the wizarding world. I can see how that would work, too, actually. God, what happened to Mary, though? It's clearly not just "things have gotten bleaker," though that obviously doesn't help. Florence is continuing to irritate me. I was glad to see James walking with Mary instead of her - James is much more interesting and less aggressive. See, Florence, you can have fire without being a huge jerk about it and criticizing your friends. (I really don't like her. It seems almost like she's doing it on purpose, though I'm probably just a conspiracy freak.) I can see how Lily's friendship with Snape would have hurt her among her housemates, though - it makes total sense that they'd hold it against her when he was bullying and hexing them.

 

I am already mourning that there's not more to this story, and I still have a lot to read. Zayne, you are amazing. I'm so glad I decided to read this rather than flitting around between short one-shots.

 

[review transferred from HPFF]



Author's Response:

I've always seen Lily as an idealist and an optimist. She knows what life without magic is and having magic has changed her life completely. It's opened up a whole new world for her to explore and be a part of. A place for her to fit in where she didn't fit in before. She was always the ousider and now she's found and inside. Mary, on the other hand, doesn't see magic as a new place to explore since she's always known about it. It's always been this way and it's normal. So, her jaded experience with it is from the perspective of seeing the darkness of it rather than the wide eyed wonder that Lily has.

I love your aggressivness towards Florence. As a writer, it brings me joy that a character can evoke that kind of reaction from someone. She's 'such' a gem. I guess you'll have to see what comes of her.

I hope it's believeable that they would question her loyalty because of her position with Snape. I think it would have been weird in 5th or 6th year for a muggleborn or anyone who believed the DE's and Voldemort were wrong to be friends with someone interested in the Dark Arts and the cause.  There could be reasons behind the friendships of course, but for someone like Florence who lives in a very black and white world would think that anyone who talks with or is friends with a Slytherin or someone like Snape is an enemy or hypocrit.

Even though the review thing is done, I hope you come back to read. :) cheers!! <3



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 05:58 AM · For: Chapter 3: Ancients

You made me so excited when Laura sought Mary out, and then you dashed my hopes immediately. You are terrible. (And wonderful.) I love, though, the way that Mary's reactions are very clearly individual and based on her own experiences, not gratifying the reader's reactions and curiosity. It makes her feel thoroughly developed as a character, and it really makes me wonder what's going on in her head - and in her past. Because that's the key, I think - the more I read, the more I'm convinced that there's something deeply traumatic that's happened to her. I'm not sure if it's whatever Lily was referring to with Snape in the memory in DH or something else entirely, but either way, my heart goes out to her. I also love the intricacies you're introducing in terms of her relationship with Florence - it's sad, but sometimes people fit so well together and then just... stop fitting. I feel like that's happened here - whatever Mary says, it just feels like Florence is criticizing her rather than encouraging her, even in a tough love sort of way - but regardless, it's so hard and painful to go through, and it's not something that it seems like Mary has the emotional capacity to handle right now.

 

Yeah, I hope I finish this before we're done with our reviews, because I'm going to keep going until I do. Zayne, I love you.

 

[review transferred from HPFF]



Author's Response:

I tease, don't I? Tease as i drop small, itty bitty breadcrumbs. What the readers get are her reactions - they don't see more than what Mary herself is willing to see or let into her world again. She wraps things up very tightly and refuses to let it in, so the reades are in the same boat with her.

 

I agree with you about the intricacies of friendship and how they shift and move. Soemtimes they don't seem like good fits anymore. Sometimes the pieces come back together. Sometimes the pieces never will. That's friednship though - it's an ebb and flow. Sometimes there are those friends you have because they've been there for so long. Mary and James, for instance or Mary and Florence. On the other hand, Mary may be too scared to let anything that was once good go.  Or does't know how to let it go or even if it needs to go. I'm not saying Florence needs to get out of her life as that would be one more thing gone that Mary once had.

 

Haha, get this done. I'm struggling right now with finishing editing a new chapter right now and I feel like I've hit a wall. I stared at the chapter for ages today and only made some meagre changes. Thank you for reading and reviewing! I always appreciate your thoughts on my work!!



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 05:58 AM · For: Chapter 2: These Walls

Ahhh, I was wondering whether something had happened to Laura. Well, you're just hammering in "THIS IS A WAR" from the get-go, aren't you? I have no idea what happened to her, but she's clearly shell-shocked and dealing with some pretty major trauma. I find the way you're having her withdraw rather than act out to be interesting - it's such an individual thing, but I've always been more comfortable with acting out than with catatonia (probably because that's how I react to stress). Florence is really getting on my nerves, though. She did last chapter as well, to some extent, but it's intensified this chapter. I like snarky, sarcastic characters as much/more than the next person, but she's not just being sarcastic and snarky - she's being mean-spirited, and it feels out of place in a setting like this. I do understand why she'd be a little peeved at Lily, but just... really? Come on. I like Mary's conversation with James much better, though it did make me realize that my assumption about her being Muggleborn was off-base. I guess Death Eaters don't discriminate - they'll go after blood traitors, too! Equal(ish) opportunity bullying/murder is such a beautiful thing. (See, Florence, that's sarcasm.) It was so interesting to hear his perspective, and I was really annoyed at Florence interrupting him.

 

Loving this story.



Author's Response:

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As I mentioned in my last response, yes, I believe war would have affected these students and that life at Hogwarts wasn't so sweet all the time. I think it was dark. I think that many students were getting affected by it. When we hear Sirius talking about it in the books, it seemed like chaos in the first war. No one could trust anyone; the darkness was everywhere and there was so much destruction on all sides whereas in the books Voldemort is more solely focused on killing Harry than anything else (like spreading fear and building an army like in the first war and getting rid of the impure). It doesn't make sense that you'd only see that after the Marauders left Hogwarts.

 

I've always been interested in the psychology of trauma and of people's personalities. I think this interest is where this story has sprung from. I think there is such a wide reaction to trauma. Some people act out. Some people let it eat them up inside. Some people blame themselves and believe that they deserve what they got. I wanted to see if I could write about introverted people who look inward (Mary and Laura for instance) vs people who may act out (Lily, Florence) their feelings. In this story, there is enough strong personalities that I think Mary and Laura ae balanced out by them.

 

I adore writing Florence. I don't know why because I cringe at some of the things she does, but she writes so easily. I know she's awful and isn't the best human being. I don't think all people are though.  I wanted to try to write someone like her who just makes so many bad choices, is incredibly strong willed, and doesn't get along well with others. She has a big chip on her shoulder and has few redeeming qualities. She does care for Mary, but is quite tunnel visioned at the same time about it. I get a little sick or reading or writing about people who are Mary Sue or their only flaws are that they are klutzy/or don't share their feelings. Florence is full of flaws. I think there are reasons to why she acts the ways she does. She's a very strong personality and hates not getting her own way. I'm sorry you don't like her and I can't guarantee you'll ever like her. I hope you will understand her at some point though if you continue reading. Everyone reacts to the war or situations/circumstances differently.

Thank you for reading!



Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 05:57 AM · For: Chapter 1: Welcome

So on one hand, I usually try to read things with less than 2500 word chapters for TAR. On the other, I like you and your writing, so I'm going to come down on the "I will read and review faster if I'm enjoying the fic and have got a lot to say." So here I am. I'm curious, because you mentioned Mafalda in ATG, too - is Orchard set in the same "universe" as ATG?

 

Regardless. I really loved the juxtaposition here between Mary and a lot of her fellow students. I can appreciate meeting the train with a "Oh, come on, another year?" in normal situations, and this situation isn't normal - there's a war going on that Muggleborns are major targets in - IMO, even more so than Muggles, who can hide in a crowd a little better, and I can see that having a significant effect on Muggleborns who've got to be feeling fairly disenchanted with the wizarding world just now. However, I also felt like you did an amazing job of balancing how Mary's a little soured to the wizarding world right now. However, while I definitely got an undercurrent of that throughout the chapter, I appreciated the fact that it flowed with the narrative rather than weighed everything down with moroseness. You did an amazing job of setting the scene for the story, and you introduced a lot of really intriguing interrelationships that I can't wait to read more about. Lily's not being a prefect did confuse me a bit - I thought canon was that she was? but whatever. I'm not super invested in the Lily-the-rule- follower interpretation anyway. :P

 

Great job!

 

[review transferred from HPFF]



Author's Response:

Hiya! I'm so glad you came and reviewed my little story. I'm trying to continue to work at it, but I've hit a bit of a block with it at the moment getting the next chapter finished. Sigh. Yes, nearly everything I write is in the same universe, so this runs parallel to ATG. So, there will be characters or events that connect every so often.

I am glad that it seems believable at this point. I have always imagined that the war started while the Marauders were at Hogwarts and that by the end of their time (5th to 7th) year there would be several students affected by it. I think Mary's specific experience is that she is very disenchanted by the world. Not because of being a specific target of Voldemort, but by her own experience with magic and how it doesn't seem so special anymore. Perhaps because she's so used to magic. It is like when someone gets used to something or a situation it becomes normal. They get used to it and they aren't so thrilled by it's existence since they've never known anything different. Mary isn't thrilled by it. She's experienced the dark parts of it and wants no part of it an.ymore. Seeing this story from her perspective will make it a bit more morose. I try to toe the line a bit so it isn't so unbelievably angsty, but Mary is counting down the days until she can fade into the oblivion of the muggle world

Lily being prefect? Yes,... well that may come. This is a take on canon.

 

Cheers



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