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Life Will be the Death of Me

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beyond the rain

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First blog posts are usually so uplifting, full of energy describing excitement to start something new or talk about all the great journeys that are about to begin. My journey is less uplifting, more being pushed off the edge of a very tall cliff with a promise of sharp rocks and quicksand at the bottom. Today, and possibly every other time I write a blog - it will be a rant shared with the few that dare to read. 

My brain is currently in six places at once, and instead of tackling all 99 problems, my mind has shut down, it's offline for maintenance, or more likely - it's left the building altogether. I've seen a lot of friends start their first year at university, and I'm hit with an unfamiliar pang of jealousy. Would I like to go through the process again? Probably not. I've faced too many sleepless nights and 12 hour days filled with thoughts like 'what the heck am I doing why didn't I just find a 9 to 5 job like everyone else' - to want to do all this again. But there's something so exciting about starting something new. They're yet to know how close they'll become to making a deal with the devil and wishing they could sell their soul to get any sort of grade, let alone a good one. 

For anyone who's considering uni, I almost always tell them to go for it, or at least apply. Yes there's debt, yes there's deadlines, but you have a degree. Graduate jobs are an option, and it opens you up to a new way of thinking. I can't watch a film, a play or a television show without being somewhat analytical now. If it's a show with context, even better! But. University isn't for everyone. For some it's a way out, avoiding the eventuality of employment and actual life. My gran keeps telling me I need to get a job for life skills. Personally I find the money a lot more appealing, but I suppose she has a point. The end is drawing near, I'm nervous, terrified I won't be a success...but am I sad? The short answer is no. The long answer is, I'm done with education. And if you were done with education at 18, then don't do university. I don't want someone judging me by how I write an essay, or standing up in front of 50 something people with my heart in my mouth as I try explaining something with certainty that we've only had an understanding of for a few weeks. I want to be judged on my talent, how I am as an actual person. I don't want to be seen as a customer, or another number. I want to be of value. I want to feel great about myself! 

I have a presentation tomorrow, my car broke down again, I'm writing a script for my final year project and my idea has been branded vague, uninteresting and too complex. I'm close to looking for the next flight to the other end of the world and staying there because if I'm going to be lost, stressed, and confused - I'd rather be battling a deadly trio like that in the sun and be upset with a tan. I'm far too pale to be dealing with all this! But such is life. Another thing I will say is, I know it'll get better. Life goes in cycles, if you'd asked me how life was going at Christmas this blog would be a lot cheerier - and shorter. I think this long winded rant is necessary to accept that crap has happened, I'm going through a lot of bad stuff right now, but I need to accept it. And this is how. 

 

In a year's time I'll be in a totally new place, with new problems and things to be mad about. But by then I can guarantee I'll miss university and wish I was back. Would I do a masters? There's as much chance of that happening as Neville Longbottom joining the death eaters and becoming Voldemort's favourite. Next to none. But this is my introduction - hi, this is me, cynical, grumpy and stressed - there are no other emotions. For anyone else who's stressed with work or education,  feel free to join me on this ship - it's a sinking one but eventually we'll rise from the (ashes, no surely not) watery depths and come back much like Captain Jack Sparrow: with a vengeance. 

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