Original Fiction Discussion/Feedback

[LunaStellaCat]

I was told to come join here so I did.  I edited and edited, and edited a piece and I know it's still in the shitty first draft stage, which begs the question why I care so much.  

 

I'm writing about a black Londoner who confronts racism for the first time in the American side in Virginia.  I actually have to write or type  a word that I hate.  It's about a chef at the Four Seasons Hotel.  And I feel it's too ordinary.  But I like slice of life stories and not everything can be a rewritten YA thing.  I don't know.  I am just glad to get it on paper and have these characters in my head.  

[Pixileanin]

@LunaStellaCat sounds like an interesting piece.  When you think it's done, I'd love to do a beta read for you!

[Predictable Chaos]

@LunaStellaCat  Is the setting in a particular place in Virginia? What time period? 

[Guest Rumpelstiltskin]

It really does sound interesting. Re: Why you care so much and are compulsively editing --> We're absolutely our own worse critics.  

[firewhiskey_ginger]

On 6/27/2018 at 12:46 PM, LunaStellaCat said:

I was told to come join here so I did.  I edited and edited, and edited a piece and I know it's still in the shitty first draft stage, which begs the question why I care so much.  

 

I'm writing about a black Londoner who confronts racism for the first time in the American side in Virginia.  I actually have to write or type  a word that I hate.  It's about a chef at the Four Seasons Hotel.  And I feel it's too ordinary.  But I like slice of life stories and not everything can be a rewritten YA thing.  I don't know.  I am just glad to get it on paper and have these characters in my head.  

This sounds very interesting!  I am of the opinion that "slice of life" stories allow you to focus on character development and social commentary.  And you care because it's your story and they are our babies.  This is certainly not your first offer but please let me know if you'd like someone to discuss ideas with (I tend to write realism/coming of age/"slice of life" stories as well and love to read them.)

Good luck!

[LunaStellaCat]

@Pixileanin and @firewhiskey that would be so appreciated I have no idea how to tell you in words.  

 

@potionspartner It’s set in London and Washington D.C.  present day.   Not 2018.  A few years before.  That’s you guys for your support.  

@Rumpelstiltskin  Oh, God I  have been watching too much Robert Carlyle. Very true. Excellent point.  Thank you for your support.  

Edited July 1, 2018 by LunaStellaCat

[FlyAway]

Would anyone be willing to read a small snippet of a story I'm thinking of turning into a short story. It suspenseful and supposed to be scary, I just don't know if what I'm writing is scary. There's no gore or anything, it really simple but I hope effective. If you're willing to read it for me, please let me know! 

[TreacleTart]

46 minutes ago, FlyAway said:

Would anyone be willing to read a small snippet of a story I'm thinking of turning into a short story. It suspenseful and supposed to be scary, I just don't know if what I'm writing is scary. There's no gore or anything, it really simple but I hope effective. If you're willing to read it for me, please let me know! 

@FlyAway I'm around and would be happy to look it over if you'd like.

[velajune]

I finished this OF last year around August/September and put it on a shelf for a while before self-editing. I'm at a point where I'm thinking of self-publishing but I feel the need to have another set of eyes to read. I've been hesitant to ask because of the topic the book deals with. It's got a lot to do with depression/anxiety and family/friend relationships. I wish I could post the entire part of "Evangeline" because it says a lot about what the book is like but here's a snippet of a snippet. XD If anyone has any free time and want to read an entire book, I'd love some feedback.

 

Excerpt:

Evangeline sat across me, tracing the rim of her cup as she waited for me to finish my homework. We were in the library of the college I was currently in. A state college. I may have been nineteen.

"It looks nice," I heard her mumble, "must be fun."

Evangeline Vasquez's dream had been to attend college, for her mother's sake and her late older brother. She wanted to show them she too, like most people, could live a normal life.

I didn't know why she visited. I hadn't talked to her since before summer before classes began and we were well into mid-October, raining with just the right amount of dark clouds. I let her see me or rather, I was glad to see her. She kept tracing the rim of her cup, something that I picked up from her. It was a bad habit of hers. I'm not entirely sure if it was bad for me.

She wore a nice dress over a long-sleeved shirt and black boots. She'd taken her coat off earlier and I took note of the long-sleeve shirt she had. I wanted to ask but her absolutely defeated demeanor warded me away. I became afraid of asking her.

Evangeline always wore a smile on her face. She'd always be laughing or grinning, amused by the world. Now here she was with bags under her eyes, a far-off look, and fingers that traced the rim of her cup just so she wouldn't have the urge to scratch the itch on her arms.

"That wasn't the first time I'd been in that sort of situation..." My voice trailed.

I shut my eyes for a moment and inhaled.

[Pixileanin]

@velajune I'd be up for reading your story, but not until late August/early September. I just have a lot on my writing plate at the moment.  So, if you can be a little patient, I'd love to read your story and offer my thoughts along the way.  I may have something to trade for it by then... or a little later than then... if you're up for it. 

 

@firewhiskey I hate that first draft stage.  It makes me feel like I can't put two words together, and I sound like a two year old in print.  Keep it going, I'm sure it's just that horrible 'stage' we all go through.

Edited July 3, 2018 by Pixileanin

[velajune]

1 hour ago, Pixileanin said:

@velajune I'd be up for reading your story, but not until late August/early September. I just have a lot on my writing plate at the moment.  So, if you can be a little patient, I'd love to read your story and offer my thoughts along the way.  I may have something to trade for it by then... or a little later than then... if you're up for it. 

 

I would love that. That would be wonderful! The wait isn't a problem at all. Thank you! And I'm totally up for reading any story in return.

[firewhiskey_ginger]

Hi again everyone!

@velajune I would be happy to take a look at your story.  My schedule would allow me to do small amounts here and there, but please feel free to PM me!  I can send you my email address if you'd prefer to do a doc as I love to make lots and lots of notes!  No pressure though

Also, I would love a second opinion (or third, or fourth!) on my WIP.  Here is a just-woke-up attempt at a summary, which may not deserve to be italicized:

Following the tragic death of her friend Zack, Joni flees her home in Washington State.  For years she blames herself for his death, refusing to confront this, and estranging herself from her once-best friends Avery, Marianna, Max and Luke.  The story opens in LA with their first reunion: a funeral for Max's girlfriend.  After the funeral she returns to Chicago, feeling that the worst is over and she can return to her life of hermitage.  But the always volatile Max continues to tail-spin, becoming addicted to drugs and losing himself in the LA party scene.  When Joni receives a phone call from Marianna, she fears the worst.  But it's news that Max has impulsively purchased the Edison House: the former family home of deceased Zack, located in the Olympic Peninsula of Washington.  It's the place where Joni and her friends spent many weekends in college, full of memories and ghosts.  Marianna begs Joni to return to her home in Washington State, to help fix up the Edison House.  All the while, Max is spewing drunken paranoia about a "curse" that has hung over their group for years, taking lives: first Zack, then Max's girlfriend, and now the threat of his own overdose.

(That was not short, wow!)

And here's an excerpt from the first chapter:

I have a lot more to say but will save it for anyone who feels compelled to lend a hand!  Thanks a lot!

[Pixileanin]

@firewhiskey  Sounds fascinating!!  How far along are you in your draft?

 

@LunaStellaCat Hey, just checking in on the first draft.  Did you get to the end of it?  When you do, please ping me.

 

Also, this thread has been inactive for too long.  I don't have any snippets, but per a Short Story class I'm doing, I've been working on my "meaning" sentence, and also my "disguise your meaning in the plot" sentence.  Here they are:

What I want my story to mean:  "In a world where all hope for the future is tied to a broken system that no longer provides for its people, four angry youth find something valuable to fight for."

How I disguise it into the plot:  "A tech-driven culture of educated elitists use a failing system with depleted resources to justify abandoning the under-educated population who no longer provide value to them."

 

Aaand... that's what I'm working on at the moment.  

[Guest Rumpelstiltskin]

I haven't had time for writing, unfortunately. It's a shame because I have SO much to write :( . Hopefully September will provide some much needed time allowances.

[Pixileanin]

I am also hoping (and planning) for a more productive writing month in September.  August bit me hard, with school starting and new schedules flopping around.

Cheers to a new month!

[Guest Tanda]

22 hours ago, Pixileanin said:

I am also hoping (and planning) for a more productive writing month in September.  August bit me hard, with school starting and new schedules flopping around.

Cheers to a new month!

 Cheers to a new month to you @Pixileanin,  too.

I started with writing 180 words for a new chapter of Purification (M), Albus Potter centric. I thought of one mystery connected with the other fic, HP and Druidic Magic (M) Harry centric. These are HP Fandom AU, a sort of OF stories. One mystery connects a parent and a son, it will continue for two generations.

[magemadi]

Hi I finally decided to pop into this thread as I have started my OF journey with a character vignette for Nim's Narrative OF Challenge because I talked to her about my loose idea for an OF novel. I would love feedback on my ideas (I've a bit posted in my Writer's Journal already) for the novel and also love and support because I'm starting this as I'm starting my career as a graduate student for my PhD in chemistry, so like, I have no time but I'm still doing this anyway? 

So generally speaking, I really really loved The Martian by Andy Weir and how easily he was able to weave real science/chemistry/botany into his plot realistically and in an entertaining manner and that it was so well-received too. I love reading science fiction and I also love reading fantasy, so I wanted to sort-of combine the two. A world where magic, potions, dragons, and technology, science, modern workforce are weaved together in moderate harmony. 

My MC is a 27 year old PhD chemist and also is a witch with moderate powers. She works for a company that helps tweak potions with the help of potioneers and chemists to produce more consistent/stronger/etc batches of potions & chemicals for their intended uses. She's got a witch friend who lives in a little forest cottage with a dragon familiar and an environmental policy guy who is also very well-versed in the lab and an undecided third character to round out their little group. 

Obviously there's some sort of plot to be had but I'm likely going to go in a different direction than I originally thought just based on what I've already got written and how I want these characters to develop + how I want the world to be built too. 

So my main questions are: how do you guys world build when it's not exactly Earth? How in-depth do you go with details for your world? Is it helpful to create a document based on purely facts about the world/citizens/etc.? 

Is this something you would be interested in reading ever?

[Guest Tanda]

On Tuesday, September 04, 2018 at 7:17 AM, MadiMalfoy said:

Hi I finally decided to pop into this thread as I have started my OF journey with a character vignette for Nim's Narrative OF Challenge because I talked to her about my loose idea for an OF novel. I would love feedback on my ideas (I've a bit posted in my Writer's Journal already) for the novel and also love and support because I'm starting this as I'm starting my career as a graduate student for my PhD in chemistry, so like, I have no time but I'm still doing this anyway? 

So generally speaking, I really really loved The Martian by Andy Weir and how easily he was able to weave real science/chemistry/botany into his plot realistically and in an entertaining manner and that it was so well-received too. I love reading science fiction and I also love reading fantasy, so I wanted to sort-of combine the two. A world where magic, potions, dragons, and technology, science, modern workforce are weaved together in moderate harmony. 

My MC is a 27 year old PhD chemist and also is a witch with moderate powers. She works for a company that helps tweak potions with the help of potioneers and chemists to produce more consistent/stronger/etc batches of potions & chemicals for their intended uses. She's got a witch friend who lives in a little forest cottage with a dragon familiar and an environmental policy guy who is also very well-versed in the lab and an undecided third character to round out their little group. 

So my main questions are: how do you guys world build when it's not exactly Earth? How in-depth do you go with details for your world? Is it helpful to create a document based on purely facts about the world/citizens/etc.? 

Is this something you would be interested in reading ever?

@MadiMalfoy, Hmm...If you make an entry at my new story challenge (Dragons, fantasy), I am willing to drop my feedback. (I don't pester you. :D) I will add OF at the thread.

 

I remembered one manga themed Martians, the female protagonist had red eyes or red hair. I was looking forward to reading the next episode while waiting for the dental treatment. I think if you create your original plot, readers are eager to read next.

 

 

Edited September 5, 2018 by Tanda

[Guest Rumpelstiltskin]

On 9/3/2018 at 6:17 PM, MadiMalfoy said:

So my main questions are: how do you guys world build when it's not exactly Earth? How in-depth do you go with details for your world? Is it helpful to create a document based on purely facts about the world/citizens/etc.? 

Alternate Earth?  No problemo!

First, have you read The Kevin's post +On World-Building in the Resources and Information Forum? He was super thorough and it's a pretty helpful thread if you haven't been there already.

Usually, when world-building, I do keep Google Sheets. Especially when you're creating an Alternate Earth, I find it SUPER helpful to be as detailed as possible. So, I will have a tab for terra and geography, then another for fauna and flora, another for governments, another for magic and its rules and limitations in that world, another for economy, another for races (especially when dealing with non-humans), enemies vs foes, and blah, blah, blah. I think it is most helpful to have more detail on areas that are specifically different from the world as we know it. 

However, if you find this overwhelming or whatever, there are alternative methods than creating a worldbuilding book (I have an OF binder called "The Splatbook" that is filled to the brim with worldbuilding).  You can start small and work big (for example, start with the world surrounding your characters and branch out as you go). I prefer sussing everything out from the get-go, but that's just me. 

On 9/3/2018 at 6:17 PM, MadiMalfoy said:

Is this something you would be interested in reading ever?

 

On 9/3/2018 at 6:17 PM, MadiMalfoy said:

A world where magic, potions, dragons, and technology, science, modern workforce are weaved together in moderate harmony. 

This is something that I positively live for. This is why I love steampunk. 

So.

Yes, this is something that I am very much interested in reading. 

[Guest Tanda]

 

Quote

 how do you guys world build when it's not exactly Earth? How in-depth do you go with details for your world? Is it helpful to create a document based on purely facts about the world/citizens/etc.? 

 

@MadiMalfoy  I remembered the title of the manga I posted, ^ here's the link to informaion 地球へ　Toward the Terra (T) Wikipedia. This thread may give you some hints about your plot. 

[Elena]

Now that I am writing again, after years of writers block, I thought it was time to get back to my OF. I don't usually post publicly, but thought I'd throw a snippet out there and see what people think. It's hard to go by a snippet, but looking for dynamics and likeability. This will be changing as the story grows and changes with me. This is a story based on a real Australian timeline of events  If anyone reads and has any thoughts at all, even if it's "that sucked." Please, let me know  It was hard to get a 500 word snippet, so this is 880.

 

Spoiler

The twins only had a week to get used to their new home, before they were packed and back in the eco van. Their mother was driving them to their grandmother’s house, where they’d be staying so they could attend their new school. They hadn’t seen Nana Loxley for a few years, and were slightly nervous. A few hours later, they were shuffling bags inside the Loxley home, and headed straight for bed. There wasn’t much time to spare as they started their new school the following day.

They weren’t used to the whispers and stares. Back in their old school, they knew everyone and had their own friends, but here at Armidale Private College, they were the ‘new kids’. However, as Naomi joined her brother, who was waiting for her outside the Administration Office, the attention towards them was becoming too strange for words.

‘Is it just me?’ Nathaniel whispered to his sister.

‘Nope.’ Naomi watched yet another group of people point, whisper, stare and walk away in a flurry of gossip. ‘You’d think they’d never have seen new faces before.’

Nate shook his head as Naomi passed him his class schedule. He glanced over it and, as usual, Naomi’s was the same. ‘I can’t ever escape you!’

A grinning Naomi placed her arm around Nate’s shoulders and hugged him to her. ‘Oh brother dearest,’ she teased. ‘You know you wish we were joined at the hip.’

Nate shrugged and pushed his sister away playfully. ‘I can’t wait until we graduate. You had better not follow me off to university.’

‘Yes, I’m your number one stalker, didn’t you know?’ Naomi playfully teased while pulling a funny face, earning a chuckle from her brother.

‘Let’s get this over with then,’ Nate said as he tugged on Naomi’s arm for her to follow.

With a few wrong turns here and there, they finally made their way to their home room where the role would be called and reading for twenty minutes commenced. The classroom was already starting to fill and as everyone greeted each other, Nathaniel felt slightly nervous. He didn’t mind so much about meeting new people, but there was always this need to ‘fit in’ that he hated.

Allowing Naomi to enter the room first, Nathanial took a deep breath and followed in behind her. A moment later, his breath came whooshing out in laughter as he watched his sister trip on the leg of a chair and crash down upon the floor. Her bag went flying, hitting some boy across the room and her face landed at someone’s feet. Laughter erupted in the room, but Nate didn’t hear any of it.

He followed the feet upwards and almost had his breath knocked out of him. He was staring at the most beautiful, round face he had seen in quite some time. Her face was framed by dark, natural flowing curls and her eyes were big, dark and round. Her lips were a colour he couldn’t describe, not quite red nor were they pink, but somewhere in between.

‘Sure, don’t help me up or anything!’ Naomi said as she righted herself onto her feet and brushed off her uniform. She didn’t hear a smart remark back and looked at Nate, then followed his line of sight. ‘Oh, that’s nice! Leave me mortified on the ground while you have a good look at some girl?’ She raised her voice and her brow at her brother, only drawing more attention to them ‘Close your mouth, dear brother. You might swallow a fly.’

Everyone laughed again, bringing Nate out of his daze. He blushed, but smiled directly at the girl. She extended her hand towards Naomi, and she smiled in return, making Nate’s heart flutter.

‘Hi, I’m Coralee Harris,’ Naomi took the proffered hand and shook it. ‘Welcome to Armidale Private College. You’d be the Williams twins, right?’

‘Ah,’ Naomi blinked and looked at her brother then back at Coralee. ‘Yes, but...how’d you know?’

‘You both are almost famous around these parts.’ A boy stepped forward and handed Naomi her bag. ‘I think you lost this?’

‘Oh,’ she blushed. ‘Sorry about that.’ Taking her bag back she then looked back to the boy. Naomi seemed to recognise him, but couldn’t quite place where she had seen him before. ‘We’re famous?’

‘I said, almost famous.’ He grinned and winked at her. ‘Please, take a seat and allow me to tell you a tale,’ he said in a playful but snobby voice. ‘I am Jonathon P. Robertson Jr.’, he introduced himself with a slight bow and waved them towards their seats.

Blushing profusely, Naomi took a seat while pretending to rummage through her bag, and Nate took the seat beside her. Coralee and Jonathon sat in the seats in front of them and turned their chairs around to face the twins.

‘You look like her, though, a little different.’ Coralee said as she watched Naomi pull out a worn looking book from inside her bag.

‘I look like who?’

‘Your mother.’ Coralee smiled. ‘Do you really not know about your parent’s reputation?’ she raised a brow at the twins, who looked dumbfounded back at her. ‘Every senior class since theirs has had to fill their shoes and are having a hard time about it.’

 

[Witty Wayfarer]

I got inspired for another OF (My third one in 3 three years). It centers around a set of 20-somethings who are trying their hardest to start a food truck with the help of their sliightly eccentric mentor with a sprinkle of rekindled romance with one of the girls. 

[Shadowkat678]

I wrote my first OF short story in a while, if anyone wants to give feedback for that. 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rlayT9ASvm2Ki3IscRNXTGY6XRpYqRb8QmF-7eOYoTk/edit?usp=sharing (All Audiences.)

[Guest Tanda]

Reviewed @Shadowkat678's The Cracked Statue and the Old Man (all)

You did great, kat!

 

Anyone who has time to have a look at my OF poetry Home (all), (449 words) please stop by.

 

[Witty Wayfarer]

I literally dreamed up another new OF. It centers around a 12 year old girl who is named Allie.

When her favorite teacher is fired and all seems lost she gets a letter from a mysterious school. She’s raised by a single dad. The new school plays a sport called Squibich.

She’s half Mexican and half Caucasian but favors her Mexican heritage being raised by her Mexican dad.

Is it alright to mix mytholthies from roughly the same country/area?