Reviews For Death on the First

Name: manno-malfoy (Signed) · Date: 17 Dec 2017 12:29 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter One

Hey again, Sian. I'm still here for the Winter Wonderland. 


 I've stumbled over this story just now for the first time and it intrigued me. I do love me a good mystery. And since I've been reading your work for a few days now, I trust that you're meticulous enough to put together an amazing, nail-biting mystery. And so far, it meets all my expectations. I'm not sure I've ever read a murder mystery from the point of view of the murderer. It's interesting because then we don't suspect all the other characters, but also we don't get to know who did it because the narrator probably won't reveal that to us. But then I wonder how all the drama will happen. I'm expecting sabotage and framing and all sorts of fun things. 


I think details about how everyone's tone and body language are very important like this one, and I was glad to see that you've delivered on that front. I could pretty much hear the auror's voice saying Nott's name. And that, my dear Sian, how talanted you are with words. 


You've got me hooked already and I can't wait to see where this goes. 

Author's Response:

Hi Manno!


Ah, it's so sweet of you to come and stop by this story because you liked my writing!  This story is a few years old, and it's the first attempt I made at writing a mystery, but it was so fun to write this.  I'm not even sure where the idea came to write a murder mystery from the perspective of the murderer, but it was definitely a challenge and I'm so glad that people have seemed to enjoy this story!  


Thank you so much for this lovely review!

Name: FredWeasleyIsMyKing (Signed) · Date: 28 Jun 2017 04:54 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter One

Hey Sian!


Transferring from HPFF!


I've finally made it here to review :D I'm so excited about this story! I can't wait to read it all. For now though I'm desperately trying to work out who this can be... I'll leave my thoughts as we go along...


So nine people... well, eight. Poor Parvati! In with the action straight away and I can't help but feel for her. What reason has the murderer got to kill Parvati? And want to kill more of them? Oh this has me thinking so much!


Now, occasionally the murderer thinks about other people, meaning I should be able to cross people off my list of people, as technically the murderer wouldn't think of themselves that way. But I don't know if this a trick by you! Just to throw us off the scent! I'll make notes though and see if it narrows it down...


I love the murderers thoughts. If it wasn't kind of creepy they would be really funny! You've also really thought of everything... like the fact they're all trapped together, giving the murderer chance to kill the rest of them. Brilliant. All though, not for the rest of them!


I like that Pansy already has a history following her that hints at past murder. I don't think it would be her though... it seems to obvious. Plus the murderer thinks about her so I don't know. Also Theo seems to have his mums past trailing him.


The murderer was very clever in seeming to put suspicion on Seamus to me with the conversation they "overheard". I'm interested to see how that develops!


So I've narrowed my list of suspects down... but I'm still not sure who it is yet... I eagerly await the next chapter!


Sian, this was a great opening and I can tell it's going to be a great story. I can't wait to find out where you're going to take it. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar mistakes. The story just flowed so well and sucked me in completely! Please update quickly ;)



Lauren :)

Author's Response:

Hi Lauren! I'm so excited that you managed to stop by, thank you so much!


I can't help but feeling a bit bad about killing Parvati in this story, even if it's not quite my head canon. I'm so excited that you're asking questions and thinking about who the murderer could be, because that's exactly what I was hoping for!


Haha, the idea of them all being stuck in the house together for the rest of this came from Agatha Christie stories, because that always seems to happen and the concept's kind of strange to me. Writing the killer's thoughts was actually really fun though, even if it was kind of strange to put myself in their mindset!


Hmm, I'm really intrigued about who your suspects are at the moment, but I can't really give much more away other than saying that your thoughts about narrowing down the suspects and on who some of them are are very interesting!


Thanks so much for this amazing review, and I'm so glad that you liked this first chapter! I'll be putting another chapter in the queue soon if I can ♥

Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 06:05 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Four

Ha, I was wondering whether the person Parvati told was Harry. It would definitely make the most sense to me - why would she tell her sister or Seamus? It just seems like they're too closely involved and too close to her to really be guaranteed that the perpetrator would be punished appropriately - it wouldn't be too terribly difficult to kill sisters or a woman and her fiancel9; together make it look like a burglary or robbery gone bad or something along those lines. It's a bit harder to kill the Head of the Auror department (which I think you'd indicated that Harry is at this point?) and one of his Aurors, barring a very good duelist. (Very good, to overpower someone Voldemort couldn't properly overpower - and who's had significant training since then, along with Parvati.) I do find it a little curious that the head of the Auror department would go along with a blackmail scheme - it seems like something they really ought to be a stop to - but still, this was really fun and intriguing, and I definitely wasn't expecting to be Pansy. (I don't know who I was suspecting, just not Pansy.) This may have been an experiment for you, but I really enjoyed it and hope you write more like it in the future.


[review transferred from HPFF]

Author's Response:



Ah, you were right! I think the problem is that the murderer wasn't exactly thinking straight here - they wouldn't have considered telling someone like Harry, even if they were close to him, because of the trouble that could get them into with the authorities - so that meant that they went about things the wrong way. And yes, I don't think it would have been too difficult for the murderer to kill Parvati and Padma and/or Seamus in a much simpler way - but I think that they have a flair for the dramatic, and a sense that they're going to get away with things - maybe because they have before?


Ah, perhaps I wasn't quite clear in that - I didn't intend for it to seem like Harry was entirely in on the blackmail plot. But in my mind he trusted Parvati and so when she confided in him, he gave her one chance to put everything right, which she was planning on doing that weekend - before things got in the way.


I'm glad you didn't suspect Pansy! I wanted this to have a successful twist and I seem to have managed to keep the real murderer from most people until the end. I'd definitely be really interested in writing something else like this in the future!


Thank you for stopping by and reading and reviewing this story - I really appreciate it! ♥

Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 06:04 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Three

Oh, dear. I'm not sure whether I should like the narrator's snark as much as I do, but I really do. The comment about it being a poor choice to keep victims locked with a potential murderer is perfect. I also find the cold, calculating way the narrator is thinking about this to be really fascinating - on one hand, I can see how the interpretation of people reacting in extreme ways might be trying to cover their tracks could make sense, but at the same time... I don't know. It seems to me that extreme reactions to a very extreme situation are probably not unexpected, and I wonder whether the narrator is digging themself into a hole with his entirely too calm way of dealing with this. I know that some people just shut down in the face of extreme stress, but it seems suspicious to me. When there's too much of an attempt to be helpful in a situation like this, I'd start thinking someone was lying to me. Oooh, I can't wait to see what Parvati knew! Onto the next chapter. :)

Author's Response:

*rubs hands together evilly*


I'm glad that you're enjoying the narrator's snark - I had so much fun writing this story and getting into their head was probably my favourite part of it. Even though they're not a good person, it was so interesting to write someone who's very detached and cold, orchestrating everything to go their own way.


Haha, your theories on the different ways that people react and whether or not that could affect the outcome are very interesting. Again, you already know what happens at the end of this, but I really like your theories here!


Thank you again for another lovely review!

Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 06:04 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Two

I love where you took this - it's so dark and intriguing. One of the things that I find really intriguing is that while the narrator is clearly not about to be labeled the sweetest person ever, I don't actually really dislike them, not even knowing that they killed Parvati. Maybe part of it is that I still haven't really figured out their motive for doing so, but while they come off as cold-hearted, they haven't actually said anything super offensive yet. It's all just fairly innocuous commentary and sinister planning, which I find intriguing, and I'm not entirely sure what killed Padma, if it wasn't poison. I can't wait to read on!


A little bit of CC, though: I feel like sometimes, the tags that you're attaching to your dialogue come off a little awkward. It really stuck out to me early in the chapter, where Michael "replies, sighing heavily," and the narrator says something "pretending to be sympathetic" and tells Theo "piously." There are just sometimes adverbs that aren't necessary and weigh down the rest of the narrative, which is wonderful.


[review transferred from HPFF]

Author's Response:

Hehe, it was so much fun writing this story and getting into the mind of the protagonist (in the most normal way possible, of course!). I haven't had much experience of writing darker, more twisted characters so this one was really fun to write. I'm glad that, in spite of the narrator clearly not being the best person around, you're still interested enough to keep reading and don't just hate them straight away - that was my hope when I was writing this, and I'm glad it seems to have worked!


Oh, thank you for that CC! I'm always happy to receive it and it's been about a year now since I wrote this story or even looked at the chapters properly with a view to editing, so it could definitely do with me going back over it sometime soon. I'll have a look at that when I do because you're probably right - I have a tendency to overuse adverbs, I think :P


Thank you for another lovely review!

Name: abhorsen (Signed) · Date: 27 Jun 2017 06:03 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter One

Sian, this is such an addictive story already. Seriously. You are the master of a good hook - this chapter yanked me in so thoroughly. I'm not quite sure who the narrator is - going back and forth between the story summary and the chapter isn't helping, though there could be something I'm missing - which only heightens the intrigue and makes me want to read on. I'm so curious about why this mystery narrator wanted to kill Parvati at all, particular since the implication I'm reading is that she's an Auror (though I could be off on that, I'm sure), but as it stands, it seems to me like they played their hand quite well. Even if the rumors about Pansy's killing her husband aren't true (and, incidentally, I'd love to find out how Pansy came to marry a Muggleborn in the first place!), they're definitely going to cast some suspicion onto her. I mean, how could they not? Oooh, I can't wait for chapter two - I hope you give a bit more information about the narrator and their motivations, and this is absolutely addicting. Amazing job.

Author's Response:

Hi Branwen!


*blushes* Thank you! This story actually came from one of those random 'what if...?' ideas, wondering whether it would be possible to even write this, but I'm so glad that you thought the chapter was a good hook for the story and pulled you into it.


There are lots of questions that I tried to intentionally raise here and I'm glad that seems to have worked, and that you're wondering why about more things. You're right that Parvati is an Auror, so there's definitely that element too. I'm glad you enjoyed this enough to keep reading and I can't say anything about your suspicions just yet (although you know now, of course :P).


Thank you so much for this review!

Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 15 May 2017 02:04 AM · [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Four

*Transferred from HPFF*


I was close! She was my prime suspect in chapter 2, but then you fooled me with chapter 3 :P Well done on this whole story, it was so impressively thought out!

I do wonder how she knew so much about Muggle movies and crime novels - that was the only thing that threw me off the idea of her being the murderer. But given that we don't actually know anything about her parents in canon, it's entirely possible she has a Muggle relative or something. Or maybe she just likes crime novels and a lot of them happen to be written by Muggles. :p

I LOVED the way you revealed it all in the end and the way Harry has this measured accusation, giving all the evidence and really drawing it out to explain everything (and make the murderer sit there nervously for even longer :p ) it had me sitting on the edge of my seat! ahh this was such a great story and you should definitely write more mysteries! Awesome work! :)

Author's Response:

Hello again!


Yes, you were close :P But I'm glad that I managed to fool you anyway since I wanted it to be ambiguous for as long as possible and it would have been no fun if everyone had been able to guess right from the first chapter!


Well, in my head canon (which is mostly connected to the one-shot I wrote about her), she was brought up partly by Muggles - in fact, the only person who managed to guess this correctly was basing it on that story :P


I was so nervous to write the reveal scene because I've never done anything like that before, but I'm glad that you liked it! Drawing it out was fun even if it was a bit mean :P


Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews you've left me!

Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 15 May 2017 02:03 AM · [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Three

*Transferred from HPFF*


Hi Sian! I realised I had never finished reading this or found out the identity of the murderer so I'm back to read the last two chapters! :P

Hmm. I think after this chapter I'm going to eliminate Dean from my suspect list because its well known that he was good friends with Seamus, and I see no indication that the narrator is particularly friendly with Seamus. Except... that the narrator knows that Seamus is horrible at keeping secrets. Okay, maybe he's back in the suspect list :p So it's either him, Pansy or Daphne. Last chapter I was leaning more towards Pansy, but now I'm thinking Daphne because she's more of an unknown - not particularly allied with Death Eaters and more likely to be overlooked? Ugh I don't know. I keep flip flopping :p What is the big secret Parvati knew about?!

This story is so full of clues and also red herrings and it's driving me nuts! I think it's so impressive how you've managed to keep the mystery going this far in this fantastic story and I'm so looking forward to reading the last chapter and finding out who it is!

Author's Response:

Hey Kristin! Ah, it was so lovely to see these unexpected reviews on this story, and it means a lot that you wanted to come back and finish reading it!


Hehe, I can't say much about your reasoning and decisions to suspect certain people (although I know that you have read and reviewed the last chapter now and so know who did it), but I really like the way that you're thinking and it's so interesting to see how people try and work out the murderer's identity! The big secret that Parvati knew is... a secret ;)


I'm really pleased that you thought that I was able to keep the mystery going this far in the story so that you're still guessing - that's what I was hoping for! Thank you for this lovely review!

Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 15 May 2017 02:01 AM · [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter Two

*Transferred from HPFF*


Review swap! So excited to read another chapter of this :D

Was definitely not expecting Padma to be murdered as well in this chapter! :O But there's so much new information... some of which I'm sure is red herrings because it doesn't all add up as well as I want it to, haha.

So... Dean, Daphne, and Pansy are the only ones who haven't been mentioned yet as interacting with the narrator. I'm inclined to think Pansy, as she seems more likely to walk around having a chat with Theo, and the bit about not wanting to use 'a woman's weapon' makes me think it probably is a woman. And since she was close to Draco, she might have done stuff with Disillusionment Charms during 6th year to help Draco into the Room of Requirement or something. But... Pansy is probably a Pureblood, and I got the impression that the murderer was not pureblood because they knew a bit about Muggle technology in the previous chapter. Hmmm.

But was Padma poisoned anyway, even after the murderer deciding against poison? What happened to her?! What is the motive of the murderer to kill both of the Patil twins? Sooo much mystery. And I just love how meticulously this entire story is planned out - there is information revealed in each chapter so far, enough to potentially make guesses, but not enough to know anything for sure yet.

The murderer is such an astute person, noting how Theo reacts and making note of it, and keeping so calm and collected while characters like Seamus break down and Theo gets angry he's being kept so long. That is really working well in the murderer's favour. But I wonder if the murderer is almost too calm and that will give them away in the end?

I can't wait to find out! Awesome chapter & thanks for the swap! :D

Author's Response:

Hey, Kristin! I'm excited that you're excited!


Red herrings? Moi? I certainly wouldn't do something like that... ;)


Hmm, you think it's Pansy? Well I couldn't possibly say anything about that speculation, of course. Other than that you may be right. Then again, you may not be.


I will say that you're picking up on some of the clues that I left in this chapter and so you're not doing too badly!


Ah, but was Padma poisoned? (Haha, this is so fun, playing with your mind :P) There's someone with a motive to kill them both, it seems! I'm glad you think I managed to plan it out well, considering most of that was done in my head :P


Yes, the murderer is definitely attentive to what they need to be doing and how they should be reacting. As for whether that will go against them in the end - well, we'll see!


Thanks for such an awesome review!

Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 15 May 2017 02:00 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Death on the First Chapter: Chapter One

*Transferred from HPFF*


This is the most unique beginning to a mystery story I've ever seen. From the fourth paragraph (actually, before I even started reading the story, if I count the summary) I know who did it. It was the narrator. But who IS the narrator?! Ah, it's brilliant!

The narrator is just so casual about the whole thing, no guilt at all, just commenting about it like one would about the weather, which is what makes it so strange to read.

The interview was really interesting too. Clearly this person has read a lot of crime novels, or at least enough to know how these investigations normally go in novels and who gets arrested and who doesn't. And they have very meticulously planned out things to say and how to act. Clearly the murderer is intelligent. And they are (most likely) not the son of a Death Eater. And they seem to know about Muggle technology. Not sure if these are all clues or just red herrings, but this is all the information I have so far and I'm going to keep this all in mind as I read future chapters haha.

It's not Theo, or Michael. I assume it's one of the characters listed in the beginning, and right now I don't have much of a guess. (At first my (incorrect) guess was Hermione, before I figured out it had to be one of those people listed haha.)

So anyway. I think this is such a great idea for a story, and I absolutely love how the mystery is in the identity of the narrator. I'm curious what motives the narrator had for murdering Parvati.

I'm really interested in the story so far and am eager to read on! Thanks for swapping with me! :D

Author's Response:

Hi Kristin!


Ah, I'm so glad you liked it and thought this was unique! I really liked the idea of writing a murder mystery from the perspective of the murderer when I had it, but actually executing it was a whole different matter and I'm pleased you liked it!


The narrator is quite detached at this point... I'm not sure if that's a clue or not :P


I'm glad you found the interview interesting! You certainly picked up on some of the details that I slipped into that section although I'm not going to tell you if they're clues or not.


It's definitely one of the characters listed at the beginning, I can tell you that much! Thank you so much for the swap, it was great to read your thoughts on this chapter!

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