Hello again Brax, and congrats on another FROG nomination! I gotta say, you're a really talented author to write something as heartbreaking as Erasure and then something as zany and hilarious as this, and for both to be so perfect. Love it.
I admit I have never read Cursed Child but I heard enough about it to understand that I'm better off without it :P. But seriously, the Voldemort's secret daughter with Bellatrix trope - I can't believe that was in actual material produced by JKR. It's like a parody waiting to happen, handed out on a silver platter, and I'm so glad you decided to do it. I feel like this story points out just how utterly ridiculous the idea of a lovechild between Voldemort and Bellatrix really is. Like - besides the fact that it doesn't make sense in the timeline, why would it happen anyway? And you answer this question brilliantly XD
There were so many great lines in here and if I quoted them all back to you, this review would be as long as the story itself. Putting a character like Voldemort into so many absurd situations just had me rolling on the floor. First of all, thank you for the mental image of Voldemort in Ugg boots. Omg, that's hilarious XD
The idea of Voldemort stealing a copy of the Kama Sutra from a library so he can study how to guarantee a pregnancy is just about the funniest thing i've ever heard of. Also, the comparison of Voldemort's eyes to postboxes = A+ brilliant
Every situation in this story was more ridiculous than the last, and I loved that Voldemort kept sending his Death Eaters away on professional development trips like team-building exercises/risk assessment and safety courses or to Alton Towers so he could have some ~alone time~ with Bellatrix. And then everything about Voldy and Bellatrix's affair had me cracking up about how completely awkward it all was XD Voldemort's embarrassment and disgust with the whole thing and finding it so undignified and unbefitting of a Dark Lord. And she actually asked if she could call him 'Voldy' omg hahah I'm dying. Also I feel like I need some brain bleach after reading sex scenes betweeh Voldemort and Bellatrix, which is something I never particularly had wanted to visualise haha. But it was hilarious.
This was so funny, I'm so glad I read it.Wonderful job, and good luck in the FROGS!
Before I start talking about the story, I would just like to mention that I've avoided the Cursed Child like the plague, and yet I still somehow managed to seep in enough information from the Internet to understand the whole Delphini thing. So this story answered quite a few questions that I didn't even realize I had.
This was so funny. Every single time Voldemort mentioned casual Muggle things -- thermal socks, Uggs, Y-fronts, porn magazines -- I cracked up. It was so great and really hilarious to see the great Lord Voldemort act so flippantly about his weirdly extensive knowledge about Muggle things.
But onto the juicier bits lol. His revulsion at the thought of sex was just priceless. Every time he sent the entire Death Eater group away just so he could bang Bellatrix (not that he desired it, of course) was the best thing ever. His off-hand comment about their ages basically made me cry with laughter. This story made me feel a lot better, because today I was pretty sick, so thank you for writing such a glorious piece of art.
Also, can I compliment you on your almost god-like abilities to title your stories? "Immortal Misconceptions" is the best play on words I've ever seen in my life, and it's just a hair ahead of your chapter title, "Insert Plan B Into Slot A." You are just absolutely brilliant, no doubt about it.
OMG Eva, thank you so much for your review - you have no idea how much you've made me beam with your words!! I needed to read this review today, I really did <3 Bless you. It makes me very happy to hear that you liked this slightly bizarre story as I had a huge amount of fun writing it :) I'm glad it made you feel better and I hope you're back to full health soon <3
CHALLENGE 2ND PLACE WINNER REVIEW.
So, I really had to review this one because it brings back some very fond memories of me in the back of a taxi laughing so much that taxi driver asked what I was laughing at and that was when it was in the early stages.
I can't believe that you had this idea and let alone wrote it. I love that you did though, it's hilarious. you really do write comedy beautifully. I don't even know where to start. 'numbness that could be resolved with a good pair of thermal socks and some Ugg boots' < I love this line, I really amused me. I love the pop culture reference and the idea that voldermort even knows that uggs boots are is brilliant! I wish I had your talent so I could write something so ridiculous, hilarious and totally marvellous! fyi, sober me still finds it so funny!
I'm sorry but I can't barely review this because honestly JUST LIKE EVERY LINE IS KILLING ME LIKE ' I always thought you rocked the smooth look." I can't get over how much you've made me laugh. it's really some of your best work because humour is so underrated but it's so difficult to get right. I love how somehow voldermort is so beautifully in character in some parts of this. the idea about voldermort with anxiety is just kinda inspired.
‘Just shut your eyes and think of world domination, Morty, old pal,' Ok, so last quote? this might be my favourite? I can't decide but you know. I just loved these whole piece, it's really silly and fun. everyone should read this because it's just fabulous piece of humour. I miss your writing but you should be so proud that your writing can brighten someone's day like this has done for me!
- Abbi xo
Okay, Brax. I am here and I am... Really weirded out. Yes, after the news of Curse Child and all it's spoilers reached my ears, I WAS, in fact, very interested to know exactly how in the crap Voldemort produced a kid with Bellatrix. After reading this, I wish I had never asked. XD
All the obstacles that this couple had to put up with... Those poor, poor dears. Twenty-five year age difference... Husbands... Suspicious co-workers... Pulled buttock muscles- that was a lovely touch. Your story, while very amusing, disturbed me quite a bit. XD I don't think I could ever get my brain clean from all those mental images. What possessed you to write such a thing?
I laughed out loud at the needing an NEWT in contortionism to get some of the sex positions! That may, actually, be my favorite line, but I'd have to reread to be sure. And kudos on coming up with enough BS excuses for the Death Eaters to have to leave them alone. Post-it notes and marshmallows indeed!
Thank you for answering the age-old question, How Did Voldemort Impregnate the Crazy Woman? in what has to be the most disturbingly hilarious story ever told. XD
Oh, I love this! How cound you write such a fascinating parody on such a sirious matter? :) :) To be honest I could never imagine Voldemort having children the 'normal' way, I thought of a wizarding artificial pregnancy thing if that even makes sense... and there is the hint in book four at the cementery that Vellatrix would be rewarded for being loyal and staying in Azkaban, I thought that was the moment when it was decided that she would get to give birth to the heir of Slytherin (btw the heir, hair thing is hilarious, I was lol on that!)
Also the cold feet start is very funny! How do you get such ideas? :) I can be amused enough on how you write in a serious yet su funny way. Oh just to imagine that he would have choosen another women, that would be a great AU.
"Why don't you fuck of and let me finish my breakfast?" oh, that' definitely not something I would expect from the future father of my son! In a way I feel sorry for her, and yet laugh at the grotescness of this whole thing.
"Not the End, because Evil Never Ends" I just love this line, I don't kmow why. It's not funny in itself, yet it is such a cliche, and firts the parpdy perfectly!
And I love the sex scenes too! So funny and yet somtypical, that he thinks it would be easy to get her pregnant, and then realizes (as actually many young couples do) that is takes more than just one try. And how they send off the Death Eaters, thats ingenous!
Oh, thank you for this wonderful story, you really made me laugh!
Brax! I'm finally here for our review swap - I'm sorry it's so late! I hope you don't mind me picking out this story, either. It's possibly a bit bizarre but I really needed something that made me smile last night (and laugh again today) and this did it, so thank you <3
Is it weird that I actually have wondered about the "relationship" between Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange and how Delphini actually came about? Yes? Oops. (It was more in a this-is-a-massive-plot-hole-it-actually-couldn't-have-happened-because-timelines kind of way if that helps?)
Anyway, I think this was a wonderful choice for a parody because there's just so much that you can write about and everything about Voldemort becomes hilarious when it's not as terrifying and powerful and sinister as he thought he was, and there were so many brilliant lines in this story which just work brilliantly well.
I also have to somehow review this without just quoting all my favourite lines back at you, which would probably bore you because, you know, you wrote this brilliant story. But yes, it was that good - there were just so many lines here that stood out and made me laugh and smile <3
The opening made me laugh - the image of Voldemort wearing Ugg boots is not one that I'm going to forget in a hurry. But I loved the way that you used that to introduce the dilemma that Voldemort was facing. I almost felt sorry for him, but honestly, it was just so stupid of him not to spread his eggs out and ensure that his existence would continue even without his Horcruxes. Honestly, I expected better.
Can we also just talk for a moment about the fact that Voldemort knows the song "There's a hole in my bucket"? AMAZING.
The way that Voldemort came to the decision about how he needed to ensure that his legacy continued was brilliant, and his evaluation of all the different options available to him. Somehow you still managed to get some very strong hints of Voldemort's character in this, with the way that he was so repulsed by the idea of even lowering himself to something so mortal and human and the way each of the women seemed to disgust him.
Oh dear, I think that Bellatrix might not have been the best choice after all. Although nobody can say she isn't, ahem... eager.
Is it bad that I find it really amusing that Voldemort found something he wasn't good at?
The different ways that he came up with to get the Death Eaters out of the way were hilarious! A strategy away-day. Alton Towers. A Continual Professional Development Course. SERIOUSLY STOP IT. I can just imagine them running round on the rides at Alton Towers while Voldemort and Bellatrix are trying and failing to create an heir. And to be honest those images are kind of a lot more pleasant than the scenes in which Voldemort (Voldy? I'm going to call him Voldy in this) was suffering through Bellatrix's... tenderness.
The dialogue in this story was brilliant, too. It just made me laugh so much and was hilarious to imagine them actually talking like this. So very in character, you know. And then the final line - not the end, because evil never ends (and of course, old Voldy has been the one to ensure that, hasn't he? I can just see him patting himself on the back now) was brilliant.
I really enjoyed this, and it gave me some much needed smiles and laughs, so thank you!
Hey, Brax! Here for our swap!
And before I forget, thank you so, so much for the wonderful reviews on Liar! I really appreciated them a lot (and I will answer soon... I hope... maybe...)
I was quite tempted to read your Regulus story (which I totally intend to do sometime. Maybe we can swap again?) but in the end I had to stop by here, because this sounded so great! Have I ever told you that you have a wonderful sense of humour? If I haven't, I'm telling you now. ;)
Oh, my Merlin! Your Voldemort! So perfect! So hilarious! Lately, the Dark Lord had been worried; a sensation which, in itself, had served to concern him further. For some reason this line amused me a lot, and the whole being-worried-is-for-the-weak thinking. It was so Voldy-like, in its parodical way.
Actually, all his train of thought was great, from the choice of a plan B to the candidate to realize it (were there really only three female Death Eaters to choose from?) to the horrors of sex... poor Tom, what have you got yourself into? :P (By the way, other great line: [...]which meant selecting a potential partner from the available stock of Death Eaters and accessories. Makes it sound like he's doing shopping... :P)
“Hairs?” Bellatrix’s expression was all astonishment. “But my Lord! Personally, I always thought you rocked the smooth look.”
Ahahah! So loved this!
Oh, Merlin, the first time! It was so awful! Slughorn? He was having sex with Bellatrix and he was thinking about Slughorn? Shocking, indeed...
I also loved that he sent the other Death Eaters away on training courses and similar stuff. It is such a ridicolous idea! I so love it! Ahahah!
Loved this story, you really are brilliant at humour and parody! Thank you so much for sharing this and for the swap!
All my love,
It was an absolute pleasure to do a review swap with you, and I'm so glad you stopped by this story! Thank you so, so much for your really lovely review! I'm very glad you found things to laugh at in this one-shot; I've not had much experience with writing humour but you've definitely encouraged me to write another story in a similar vein. Thank you so much for taking the time to highlight which parts you aprticularly enjoyed as well - it's great to know which bits hit the right notes, and something I ought to do more of when I leave reviews for others. I'm really glad you liked Voldemort's train of thought through this; TBH I found the whole concept of a Bella/Voldy love-child so unbelievable that I thought the topic was crying out for a parody.
I'm really enjoying reading Liar, btw! I'm so glad we had this swap :)
Love and hugs,
Hello Brax, I saw that you had a brand new story when I stopped by for BvB so I decided to give it some love.
I must thank the creator of this parody challenge for unleashing so much hilariousness on the site. From start to finish, you managed to make a story about Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange's love child funny and readable. (And that is a sentence I never thought I would say, let me assure you of that.) I think the first line that I found hilarious was "he’d put all his everlasting eggs into one horcrux basket" and the humour just continued to the end.
Some of my favourite points:
- The "Bella"/"Voldy" exchange. His insistence that he must remain "My Lord" was golden.
- His complete lack of knowledge about intimacy in his 70s was hilarious.
- Team building exercises!! The first one made me laugh, but the thought of them continually having to come up with more and more things for the Death Eaters to busy themselves with was amazing. Of course it would be too simple to just send her husband away for a parody. The terrible things to "inspire" and "motivate" co-workers was a nice way to get them ALL out of the way.
- These two lines: "how, in Salazar’s name, did teenagers manage to get up the duff so easily after just one thrust? He supposed Bellatrix being forty-six and he being seventy-one didn’t help, but still. " Somehow it brought upon the ridiculous of how people get pregnant in fiction while still being funny becasue of their ages and his shock that getting pregnant is not a one-time affair.
Best of luck in the challenge!
Thank you so much for picking this story to review for BvB :) This is my first attempt at writing a parody, and I'm not sure I've hit a parodical note (unless you count the shout-out to teenage pregnancy fics, in which case, I suppose it falls into the right category), but I'm really happy that you found things to laugh at here! It's great to hear that the humour comes through as I had quite a giggle writing it, and thank you so much for taking the time to list which particular aspects you found amusing; I love it when reviewers highlight the parts they enjoyed the most :)
Next stop is Bellatrix in labour with Voldy holding her hand...
Nah, don't worry; I'm only kidding (or am I?)
Many thanks once again; you do leave absolutely lovely reviews! It always makes me so happy to read your comments :)