Name: Renacera (Signed) · Date: 15 Jul 2019 06:05 AM · For: Chapter 2

Hi again, Grace!

I'm happy to be here to review chapter 2. I know it's been quite a while since you've updated, but I hope this review will encourage you if you're feeling in a slump with this story. :)

Fantastic second chapter! You did so well transitioning from the battle to the aftermath, and I'm enthralled. I love that you've moved the plot so seamlessly two months into the future and introduced the plot that will carry through the rest of the story.

And it's a great plot! I love stories that "force" characters together. It makes for some really great situations where they have to learn to live with each other. The curse Hermione and Draco are facing is scary, but I feel like they don't even really understand just how bad it could be. I think as they come to terms with that, we could see them grow a lot as individuals.

Your characterization of them so far is really good. I think it makes sense that Hermione is trying to keep calm and keep the peace with Draco. I wonder what might set her off and change that. But I also think you've done something really interesting with Draco, showing his nerves and discomfort. We don't often get that aspect of his character. Well done!

You're off to a great start, and I expect this story has a lot more to it. If you ever choose to write on, I'll be here to read and review! Great job!

Best,
Emily

Name: Renacera (Signed) · Date: 15 Jul 2019 04:30 AM · For: Chapter 1

Hello!

I'm so excited to be here to read and review this story as part of my ungoing quest to review every Dramione on HPFT.

I absolutely love this first chapter. It was positively thrilling. You've done a great job capturing the intensity of the war while introducing us to your versions of the characters. The balance between internal struggles and external ones is perfect. I love that you didn't shy away from depicting the fear that the combatants are feeling, even those who are veterans to battles.

Your portrayal of Hermione is wonderful. I love that you've shown how much she's changed and grown up since Dumbledore's death, but you don't make her invincible. She's strong and smart and capable, but she's still an 18-year-old girl in a war. And her misgivings about Draco are completely appropriate, given their past.

You Draco is great too! I love slow burn stories, and I think you've done a great job starting with Draco's doubts in the Death Eaters and their cause and his decision to fight with the Order. His thought about "I wonder which side will kill me first" was spot-on for how he's feeling. Great job.

The battle itself was amazing. You moved between scenes and duels seamlessly and kept the action going without anything being distracting. Very well done.

I can't wait to read on. And if you ever update, please let me know!

--Emily

Name: LunaStellaCat (Signed) · Date: 06 Jul 2017 05:15 PM · For: Chapter 1

BLONDEbehaviour

LunaStellaCat here with your review:

I have to remember that you did indeed say that you disregarded DH, and I’m glad that I read the notes beforehand because I would’ve been confused.

So, I like the idea of kind of switching up the game about DH: I always thought it was odd, although I understand why she did it, that the last book ended up as a journey that was basically, vaguely reminiscent of the Lord of the Rings. The first part of the piece is the best with Grimmauld Place being held as a barracks. It’s through your writing that I understand why and how JKR did what she did now; thank you for that clarification.

The Hermione character is drafted really well because you get in her mind and I think that you level her out. She has the best mindset and good strength with a level head. I’m going to say that it’s not enough to simply drop a name. Yes, for the most part, I’ll argue that those of us who read fan fiction know the story, and by now you’re at the sixth or seventh book, but there is often more strength than name dropping. It isn't enough. I like the scene you set there, though, it sets the piece quite nicely.

There are a few things that I want to point out as suggestions. The piece is simply too short to have the need to switch the point of view twice. Never switch the point of view within a chapter; it makes it seem disjointed and makes the moving of the plot difficult. You can switch POV between chapters, and that’s fine if you transition it well, but you have less than 2,500 words here. As a beta, a rule of mine is to pick a character - become that character. What are they thinking? Why are they thinking this? Listen to me: a man’s strengths are just as strong and endearing as his flaws; they make that person who they are. Pick either Hermione or Draco and for whatever reason, you stick on that path and don’t stray from it.

It’s great that Draco wavers. The struggle within his character is written well. I thought that after the sixth book, I realized Draco was a strong character who was trying to find himself. Out of the two, for you jump without any transition, I’d say Draco possesses more potential under the surface. Scratch the surface because you have a great beginning there. Given the length of the piece, I’d suggest you choose one setting because it will help you center the plot.


Security-wise, and keep in mind here that I always giggled at the fact that Dumbledore chose sweets as his passwords, Hogwarts really doesn't know proper security measures and protection within a war. That’s a strength and a weakness here either way, but you made me laugh that Flitwick just stands there. (I work in tech support.) That’s a hilarious part, and I don't know if you meant to do that or not, but if that’s a nod towards JKR’s complete lax of security, you practically have me rolling on the floor. So good job.

I have password so complex people complain, so …

That’s an awesome part the more I think … I think about it:) Sorry, I’m a security nerd.

Keep in mind that the security was shattered at Number Twelve and Bellatrix has access in book six thanks to Kreacher. Where is Kreacher’s loyalty here? How does he sway? - I cried the first and second and probably subsequent times when I read “Kreacher’s Tale”. Kreacher’s breakdown is one of the most telling chapters of DH.

Terms like “Portkey” and “Horocrux” are capitalized as magical terms. And it’s “Tonks” not “Tonk’s”.


Well done. I’m actually drafting a challenge about a revision nor a rewrite but a revision of pieces after a written piece is stashed away for a minute.

I hope this review helps. Thanks for the read.

LunaStellaCat