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Name: grednforge217 (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 12/22/2014 

 

This is a wonderful fic. I don't try to think about the time Sirius spent in Azkaban because it's so terribly sad, but you made it touching and hopeful. Well done.

 

Author's Response:

 

Thanks, I'm really glad that you liked it. Have a marry Christmas! :3



Name: marauderfan (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 12/27/2014 

 

Hi! I'm here with your review :)

 

This was really good! I am so glad you brought this story to my attention as I might not have found it otherwise.

 

Your descriptions are fantastic, particularly when illustrating the cold of the cell in Azkaban, and the nightmares, and Sirius changing from a dog into a person. And then the happy memory, full of love and happy emotions, instantly contrasted with when the Dementors come back and force him back into the bad memories - the bad memory of him being dragged off after Peter's betrayal is equally detailed, but it didn't feel very emotional - it was mainly just numb. Which I thought was perfect for the circumstances. He's been sitting in prison for twelve years and is numb to it all by now, and he's probably relived this unpleasant scene countless times. So I really liked the way you wrote with such detail but lack of deep emotion - it suited the story so well. But it still takes the reader on an emotional rollercoaster. Basically, your description and the way you set the tone in this story is brilliant. I applaud you.

 

The guards coming by to taunt him made me really sad. It just reinforces how utterly heartbreaking Sirius's story is and all he had to endure for something he didn't do. Gah, he really had to deal with the worst, and how all he has is these good memories that he holds onto until they get taken away and the Dementors come by, but even so it's still worth it for him to dwell on the past. The fact that he still had some hope only makes him stronger for everything he had to go through. I liked your A/N at the end by the way, those are important things you said and definitely puts in perspective how easy it is to take things for granted during the Christmas season.

 

I know you asked for honest feedback and CC to improve it, but there's practically nothing I would change about this story. Other than this typo:
<i>Sirius leaned his head back against the cold stonewall </i> -- 'stone wall' should be two words.

 

It's sad, it's heartbreaking, but then there's a little bit of hope at the end, which I absolutely love. This was such a good story! Thanks for requesting!

 

Author's Response:

 

Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I always forget to check...we really need to be able to get notifications. Thank you so much, though honestly I still think I could improve. I'm good at describing, yes, but there are always things that feel as if they're missing to me. Although, maybe that's just me beating up on myself. I do tend to do that a lot, or so I'm told. I really am glad what I was mainly aiming for got through, thank you. Sometimes I think I get discouraged from lack of reviews, so that you took the time to look at my request really made my day. :3


Name: Jayna (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/07/2015 

 

Lovely! This is a beautiful one shot and the ending is perfect.


-Jayna

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you so much! It's one of my personal favorites, and I feel really proud of this. :)



Name: toomanycurls (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/10/2015 

 

Hello!!

 

I really enjoyed your take on Sirius in Azkaban. I'm not sure if you've read The Count of Monte Cristo but the annual auror visit reminded me of the annual beating Edmond recieved at the Chateau d'if to mark the passing of each year. I imagine a verbal assault like the aurors gave him were a bit worse than a physical assault only because the words and feelings stay with people longer in Azkaban. I did think their taunts about his mother dying were unnecessarily mean (though, at least he learned that she died). It does explain how he knew stuff when he got out of prison.

 

The Christmas memory was so bittersweet. I imagine any sort of happiness, even momentary, would cause the dementors to swarm on someone. It's sweet that, despite having the dementors take it away afterwards, Sirius enjoyed and sought out happy memories from time to time.

 

Great one shot!

 

-Rose

 

Author's Response:

 

Well, meanness was what they were going for, after all. And yeah, I'd love to have everyone think I'm a master planner weaving those details together...but I honestly didn't think about that until after it had been written. I knew they'd both died while he was in Azkaban, but we didn't know when. His mother is implied to have died soon after his imprisonment considering how dirty it was when we're first introduced to the House of Black, but she could have just as easily been senile and Kreacher just not doing anything. Honestly, I could very easily picture that.

 

Yeah, bittersweet happens to be one of my specialties.

 

Thanks for the review!



Name: HermyLuna2 (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/14/2015 

 

This was very touching. It was good how you showed the Aurors belittling Sirius with his 'crimes', to underline his tragedy. ""He might as well have been the real murderer..."" was a great sentence. I admire you for chosing such a difficult viewpoint to write about. I had the idea that after reading this story I understood a part of Sirius a bit more. The way he holds on to his sanity by remembering the Christmas moments with his friends was realistic for his character. You did an excellent job with this.

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you. :)



Name: HeyMrsPotter (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/20/2015 

 

Hey! Here for our swap!

 

This is so different to any other christmas fic I've read. I like that you strayed from the norm and wrote a darker story. I think you descirbed Azkaban and Sirius' feelings while he was there perfectly. His pain and suffering and the injustice of him being there were so clear throughout. I think the memory broke up the story really nicely and I like that you ended on an almost hopeful note,it was really fitting with Sirius' personality.

 

Great job! Thanks for the swap :)

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you, I always love exploring his character, and Azkaban was definitely a key part of his life. I'm glad I got the emotions across right. Thanks for the swap, your story was great too! :)



Name: Flower n Prongs (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/20/2015 

 

Hi Shadowkat! It's Rhaenyra here for our review exchange.

 

I am a fan of missing moments from canon and of Sirius Black, so the first story on your list caught my attention. I think that not enough attention is given to his time in Azkaban because it clearly had such a big impact on him, so I'm glad you decided to tackle some of his imprisonment.

 

Your portrayal of Azkaban was so vivid and descriptive, Sirius's despair was almost tangible. The fact that he had lost track of time and even himself, at times, was very powerful and sad. Part of the reason was because it felt so realistic, like a man who had lost all hope of things ever even having the chance of getting better.

 

The cocky Aurors made me angry, because I know Sirius is innocent. I don't blame them for thinking he was guilty, not really, since they wouldn't have been the ones who shoved him in prison but you made them easy to hate.

 

Even though it is nearly four months since Christmas, I truly enjoyed this. It was beautifully written and your author's note at the end brought up excellent points about people like Sirius in our world.

 

Thanks for the review swap! I enjoyed reading this. =)

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you so much, I worked extremely hard on this, and I'm glad it came through. That's one reason I wrote this, because not many others have. I felt like it was something that deserved being written about, you know? I really loved your story as well, thanks for the swap!



Name: Cannons (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/20/2015 

 

Hi, here for our swap. :)

I enjoyed the concept of 'hope' and how important and powerful it is. Sirius couldn't have been in a worse possible situation and yet he still found a shred of hope to cling on to.

I thought you did a good job at portraying the setting and Azkaban itself, I really got the sense that it was cold, dark and unwelcoming.

Thanks for the read!

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you for the review! I'm really happy you liked it!



Name: bittersweetflames (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 04/21/2015 

 

Here for our swap! :)


First off, OMG, your story is just.. CHILLS. Just the chills!

Your writing is so atmospheric and I could just picture being there, I could practically feel as Sirius felt. It broke my heart.

Anyway, well done with this story. I won't say I enjoyed it because it wasn't meant to be enjoyed but I loved it -- it was just beautifully written. Thanks for the swap. :))

 

--Carla

Author's Response:

 

Thank you for the review, and I'm really happy that it affected you like that, it means I'm doing my job right. XD



Name: TreacleTart (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/03/2015 

 

Hello there!

 

I'm here for our review swap!

 

I chose to read this story because I've seen you posting a lot about it on the forums and because I'm a total sucker for dark writing. Not to mention Sirius is one of my favorite characters.

 

I should tell you up front that I am pretty obsessive about description and imagery. It's something that I feel most people do half heartedly to fill in space between dialogue. You on the other hand have written almost an entire story out of it and done so quite well! Your words were able to create a very vivid picture of Azkaban for me. I could imagine Sirius in the fetid squalor of it all and how time had warn away at the charm he once held. It was beautifully done.

 

The short interaction between the guards really showed us how much Sirius has grown and matured. As a young man, he would've risen to the bait, but now he realizes that there's no point in rising to it.

 

Now onto a bit of constructive criticism. I noticed that you tend to try and pack an awful lot into each sentence. Most of the time it works, but on occasion it can have the tendency to run on a bit. I think breaking a few of the more massive sentences up into shorter ones might help a bit.

 

Also, I noticed a few typos.

 

A explosion. –An explosion

 

deeper then just the surface... – deeper than

 

a angry one, - an angry

 

Otherwise, this was a great look into Sirius' time spent in Azkaban. You do seem to have quite a knack for description! Great work!

 

~Kaitlin

 

Author's Response:

 

Thanks for the feedback, I noticed some of these problems myself, and am attempting on tackling them into submission. It just keeps popping up.

 

I loved your story as well, thanks for the swap!



Name: Claire Evergreen (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/07/2015 

 

Hey! Here for our review swap!

 

So Sirius is one of my absolute favorite characters and even though he is pretty much out of his mind at this point, his characterization is absolutely brilliant. I'v never thought too much about what it was like for him in Azkaban (because it is just too sad and depressing for me to think about), but you've nailed it.

 

I can't even begin to explain how this whole thing made me feel, I'm still trying to process everything. I'll probably have to read it a few more times before I'm sure, but wow, this is amazing, I'm so glad that I got to read it!

 

-Claire

 

Author's Response:

 

I'm glad you liked it, I tried really hard with this one. Thanks so much for the swap!



Name: TearsIMustConceal (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/09/2015 

 

Hey! I’m here with your review!

 

I was completely drawn by the darkness of this fic (dark, angsty fics are my favourite) and I wasn’t disappointed after reading!

 

You’re imagery and description is completely spot on – I could picture every scene so clearly and vividly. And I could feel the desperation radiating off Sirius. Him being hidden in the corner of the cell as though that would hide him from the cruelty and darkness of Azkaban – I really felt all his emotions in that one part.

 

The scene with the guards – I really felt sorry him there because as much as the guards don’t know it, he just doesn’t deserve it. But I feel him not reacting is a sign that he’s grown up, which isn’t surprising seeing as where he is being imprisoned – I would imagine you have to grow up quickly in there to survive. But then a part of me thinks that him not reacting to their taunts is that he has given up, maybe not on his life but on the fact that no one will ever believe that he innocent. Either way, I feel so sorry for him.

 

And I love the end – that he still feels a spark of hope that one day he will get of that horrid replace and start afresh. It’s such an uplifting end to an otherwise dark story.

 

I absolutely loved all of it and I’m so glad I read it!

-Vicki

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you for the swap, and I'm very glad you like it. I like Angsty stories myself, so I end up writing quite a few. Glad you liked it. :)



Name: MargaretLane (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/19/2015 

 

I really LOVE the description of Azkaban and the black hound huddled there in the first paragraph. You REALLY capture the atmosphere.

 

You are really good at sort of sensual writing - in the sense of describing senses, like the feel of the blanket. That is hard to do.

 

I actually have an angsty Christmas story too. And I wrote a fic about Sirius in prison - a songfic, because his ordeal reminds me of some real world events. Events I can still get angry hearing about.

 

I think the part where he can't remember how many years he's been in Azkaban is really realistic. It would be VERY hard to keep track of the days for 12 years when every day is the exact same and there is no break in routine whatsoever.

 

OH, I never thought of Sirius having been an Auror. I assumed he'd only fought for the Order of the Phoenix. It does seem like a career that'd appeal to him though.

 

I love the depth you give the situation here. I assumed they were just sneering at him because they hated Death Eaters in general, but the combination of one of them having a brother who died in the war and the disillusionment he appears to have felt, having looked up to Sirius as a kid adds extra detail. And it makes so much SENSE. The Marauders, James and Sirius, in particular are exactly the kind of teens that would appeal to young teens and preteens - a few years older, good-looking, intelligent, disrespectful to the teachers, brave, cool. I can really imagine the younger students looking up to them en mass.

 

Aw, it's so sad that he still feels he might has well have killed them himself.

 

Your description of Christmas and Lily giving out to James made me smile straight away. You are so good at scene setting.

 

LOVE the part about them watching films. It makes sense that Lily'd want a TV and while electronics don't work at Hogwarts, there's no reason they wouldn't in an ordinary wizarding home, where there'd be much less magic around.

 

And yikes, the change in his mood as the Dementors approach is STARK. You can really FEEL it while reading.

 

And you REALLY show the way the Dementors bring back all his worst memories. I've rarely if even seen that done that well.

 

Love the line about how he was drowning and nobody could see.

 

And I love the mention of the dog star at the end.

 

I'm not a big Sirius fan, but like I said, his ordeal does remind me of the men who DID spend about 15 year in jail for terrorist crimes they hadn't committed - even the dates almost match. So I certainly have sympathy for him. And now, I'm completely rambling.

 

This was an awesome story.

 

Author's Response:

 

It actually says in the books that Sirius was partnered with James after Prongs dropped out of professional Quidditch because of the war to join the Aurors. That was what the tale was about where they got chased on Sirius' motorbike by some policemen and they few off. I think they had something to drink that night and then saw some death eaters and tried chasing them. I think. But it was during that time.

 

I try to give some logic to my stories. I get kinda irritated when people gloss over things they could have easily come up with an explanation for. It takes away depth and makes it less realistic. I feel like it doesn't give the stories the justice they deserve, and try my best to avoid falling into those traps. I also find it best just to go with it and improvise, because plotting can also do that. It makes it seem TOO thought out, like it doesn't just go naturally. At least, with some. I really admire people who can actually pull that off, but I do better coming up as I go and fleshing out in my head.

 

It's fine, I ramble all the time. Thanks for the review, your story was awesome too! (I think I just did a slant rhyme...)



Name: cherry_pop94 (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/19/2015 

 

Hello there! Here for the BvB challenge!

 

First of all, that was a lovely author's note. The message is definitely an important one and even though it isn't currently the holiday season, I think it's something we'd all do well to remember. Not everyone gets to go home to a warm bed and loving family. Some people stay in the shadows, forgotten by the rest of the world.

 

Now, about your story. It really was a wonderful read. You're an excellent writer! I especially love the story that the one auror told about how he used to look up Sirius. I felt so sorry for him when he said that his brother had died fighting Death Eaters inspired to join because of Sirius Black. That really was truly heartbreaking and an interesting way to write a character who could so easily be vilified. The way you wrote the other aurors made them into real people as well. And why wouldn't they hate Sirius? They don't know he's innocent, they think he's a mass murder who betrayed his best friend.

 

And the part where Sirius's imagined Christmas becomes the destroyed Potter house! You just ripped my heart out of my chest with that one. Sirius really is such a tragic character. Abandoned by his family because of his choice in friends, then fighting a war for what short years he did have as a free adult, finding his best friend dead, and then carted off to Azkaban for 12 years. And to top it all off, he only gets a few years free before being killed! Ack, he didn't deserve that kind of life.

 

Anyway, I'm off topic. This was wonderful and amazing. I just noticed one thing. You wrote ""He toned out the conversation"" but I believe it should be ""he tuned out the conversation.""

 

Still, this story was incredible!

 

Thanks for sharing :)

 

-Stefi

 

Author's Response:

 

Hey, thanks so much! I felt like I should have done something to justify the Aurors. It makes them seem more human, more real. It felt right, I guess. It makes sense.

 

I ripped out my own heart writing it, so don't worry. I made some of my best friends cry when I forced them to read this. (one told me I wouldn't be able to write a depressing Christmas fic. I already had this on hand, so I told everyone to look it up and watch. I felt so good and so bad at the same time. My boyfriend was going around passing out tissues, he went and got them the moment I asked them to read...ah, he knows me so well.

 

Thanks again for the review, and I fixed the typo!



Name: Gabriella Hunter (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 05/21/2015 

 

Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums with your review and it's nice to meet you and all that junk. Let's get this review up and rolling! >:D

 

I have read quite a few stories about Sirius but not too many that deal with what happened to him once he was imprisoned. I'm really pleased and blown away by how beautiful this piece was, I think that you handled the despair, anger, regret and eventual joy of his memories very well. It's brilliant writing and I liked the history that you developed between Sirius and his friends, the depth of love that he can still feel in such an awful place.

 

The Aurors that visited him were cruel and I know that it hurt his pride to know that people thought of him as a murderer. I also liked that while he knows he's innocent, he falters somewhat and begins to doubt himself but remembers the family that he cherished. I thought that was a really powerful way to bring depth to his character and I loved the back and forth with his grief and love.

 

As you can probably guess, I thought this was wonderfully written and it was a unique and engrossing read. :)

 

Much love,

 

Gabbie

 

Author's Response:

 

Thanks so much Gabbie, and I'm extremely happy that you enjoyed this! Sirius is one of my favorite characters, and this was absolutely heartbreaking to write, but at the same time I felt like someone should, so I did. Sirius, despite how much I love his character, does have his faults, but his loyalty isn't one of them.

 

He's so tragic, after finally finding people who accept and welcome him, ones he feels like family with, he loses all of it and as soon as he gets it back he dies. It's all so sad, but even then there's always that little bit of hope.

 

I just find it all so fascinating to explore, and I'm glad to see you enjoyed it. :)



Name: apapneo (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 06/06/2015 

 

I love how even though Sirius is in the most horrible place in the wizarding world, he still has the ability to look past it all and envision how he would spend the holiday before going to azkaban. I don't normally like reading one shots (they never seem like enough), but this was great. It was very well written and I felt that if very accurately portrayed what being in azkaban would be like. The details were perfect, I felt like I was there watching all of this play out. Loved it!


And your afterword was beautiful and very moving.



Author's Response:

Thank you for the review!



Name: WittyRaven (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 08/02/2015 

 

God, I feel sorry for Sirius. I always have, but this makes it so much worse. That is meant as a compliment. Your story really touches me. You can almost feel the emptiness and hopelessness that Sirius feels and it makes me want to cry. Just from your words.


And your afterword was beautiful and very moving.

 

Author's Response:

 

Thanks you. :)



Name: pottered (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 08/14/2015 

 

omg this was so heartbreaking. it feels like my heart is actually in pain. Sirius is my favourite character and to know the fact that he suffered like that in azkaban :c

ok so i love your writing, the descriptions were just so good, i could imagine everything. and every paragraph had such heavy emotions, i honestly felt like crying lol

the cute remus and lily mistletoe and james almost punching him for it was so funny and adorable, and the fact that sirius smiled, even if ruefully, just for a second just broke my heart in pieces. it was just so ??? sad.
and the tears aw no ):


also: the aurors ._. i mean, sure, they thought Sirius was a murderer and /maybe/ what they said would be fine because of the anger and betrayal they went through, but still i felt really mad at the way the taunted Sirius ):
this /is/ dark for Christmas lol, but an amazing read through Sirius' POV when in azkaban during Christmas.
loveddd it!

 

P.S. going to go find some cat videos to watch to cheer up lol
xx

 

Author's Response:

 

Yeah, is it mean that I'm glad you're heart is in pain? I mean, that lets me know I'm doing it right. Still, slightly, maybe, sorta sorry for the tears. XD

 

Don't worry, you were supposed to be mad at them.

 

Thanks so much for the review, and I hope the cat vids did the trick!



Name: LunaPike (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 08/04/2015 

 

Awesome work done! i miss Sirius a lot and reading and thinking about him definitely brought tears to my eyes, i think you have done really good job with highlighting Azkaban. i can't wait for more!

 

Author's Response:

 

Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. :)



Name: JackRabbit (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 10/04/2015 

 

I've always loved Sirius' character, and the memories of the Marauders especially hit home. I haven't read many stories about how he regained hope but this was beautifully written.

 

Author's Response:

 

Thank you so much! I love exploring his character, there's so many layers brought about by his experiences. I'm so glad you liked it!



Name: The Basilisk (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 12/10/2015 

 

Thisss was not what I was expecting. You captured a dark moment ssso well. It was alssso interesssting to sssee you incorporate the happy moment of the passst into thisss ssstory. You did a very nice job. Not every Christmasss is a happy one as you have presented here.

 

Thisss is a ssstory I shall carry with me in my thoughtsss as I travel the archives looking for more ssstoriesss to read. Thank you for such a unique take on thingsss. Keep up the lovely work.



Author's Response:

Thank you for the review!



Name: Aphoride (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 06/04/2015

Hey there - dropping by for our review swap on the forums! :)

I have this kind of morbid love of Sirius-in-Azkaban stories, because they have such potential for angst, anger, and horror/dark, which are all things I love. Especially with Sirius, who's such a fascinating character himself, so really, I was very happy you suggested this one ;)

I love the way you did this and focused more, I think, on the kind of humane aspects of being in Azkaban - the memories you lose and the way it tortures you, really, by taking them away and leaving you with nothing but the ones you hate. It's so damaging, you know - could completely change the way you remembered people. But yeah, the horror/dark element of this with the Dementors was done so so well! :)

The way you wrote Sirius was so great, too. I loved the mentions of the pain he feels at being 'reminded' of 'killing' his friends, and the guilt he feels over it, tempered with the sweet, happy memory of him with them at Christmas, being so very familial, really :) There was something so heartfelt about the emotions you described, and something so Marauder-like about the Christmas, too - with the boys hatching plans, and James nearly hitting Remus for having to kiss Lily under the mistletoe :P

Your writing in this was lovely, too - sometimes your description was a little too 'tell' rather than 'show', but all of your word choice was brilliant, and it allowed the emotions and the contrasting horror and warmth of the scenes to come through, which gave it so much more impact when the Dementors arrived.

This was a great little oneshot - and the message at the end was so beautiful, so sad but so true! :)

Aph xx



Author's Response:

Thank you for the review!



Name: Oldershouldknowbetter (Anonymous) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:20 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

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Originally left on 06/04/2015

Let's see what your favourite is like then shall we, that and I'm here for a bit of BvB, and I'm also here to give you a bit of a surprise yourself.

Just a paragraph in and I can see that I'm in for a first rate read. Your word useage is really evocative; not only can we imagine Sirius to be here we can also almost picture ourselves there too.

I always hated the fact that he was innocent, and it must be so cold stuck on a rock in the middle of the North Sea, and I always imagined that the wizarding hierarchy would be skimpy on the niceties of comfort for the prisoners deemed bad enough to be incarcerated there. You capture all of that quite ably in the first few paragraphs.

I like the way you used <i>Footsteps, that means people, not the Dementors. Not this time...'</i> at the beginning - it puts his internal thoughts into the background while you describe the rest, it's a good touch. When the owners of the footsteps finally arrive, they are a pair of bored guards unlucky enough to have drawn the Christmas shift - grumpy about the fact as you would expect.

Oh wow, I just read the paragraph where he'd abandoned keeping track of the days and the unfairness and consequent horror just came crashing down on me through your words. Again really evocative and beautifully done (in it's horrificness).

The taunting from the guards is as we expect it would be and certainly as Sirius expects it. The usual taunts that he must have come accustomed to over the years. I always wondered, why he didn't proclaim his innocence, but you touch upon that here, though obliquely. At the start he wouldn't have, but after a few years of the horror I bet he would have tried to tell his gaolers - it would have been too late by then, actual Death Eaters like Barty Crouch Jnr were doing it from day one. So he spares himself their mocking taunts by not saying anything at all, even when they mention the death of his mother. It's a nice touch when he even gets a bit of empathy for them as he recognises their youthful inexperience and nervousness. The empathy is short lived, drowned beneath his own emotional needs to survive.

There is even some personal vindictiveness thrown in, which is quite understandable, but the pathetic figure that Sirius now cuts arouses less anger in the young guard than even he thinks - he leaves with a parting off-handed, dismissive remark and the other guard does the same.



Author's Response:

Thanks for the review.



Name: StarFeather (Signed) · Date: 08 Feb 2018 01:07 PM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

Hi, Kat. Sorry for late response for your post on the forums. My life in last December was hectic. If you don’t mind, please post more on my review request thread. I’m willing to follow your stories.

 

 

I remember this story. The mood was very dark in spite of the cheerful event such as Christmas, and Sirius Black’s agony was well written at that time when I stopped by via the previous forums. Then I reread this story, I figured it out deeply. I think you edited great. My impression is each scene gets clearer than before. There two spots I found this time.

 

 

1 The young Aurors mocking Black, which pulls our sympathy towards him. They must have behaved so rudely seeing Sirius as a criminal with despise. They could be crueler to him or might have asked why he had committed such an awful crime and accused him more violently.   

 

 

2 Black’s bright memory that Lily and Rupin were almost kissing and James interrupted them, makes the latter horror caused by Dementors more outstanding. The Dog Star watching all happenings from the window on Christmas Eve, which is very impressive, it’s good you kept the last scene as well as before.

 

If there were the thing you could fix, I suggest adding more descriptions about his mother and his godson, Harry from Black’s POV. These things will make his emotions more accentuated in this story.   



Author's Response:

Thanks for the review, and sorry for the late response! 



Name: MadiMalfoy (Signed) · Date: 16 Jan 2018 03:41 AM · [Report This]
Story:A Christmas in Azkaban Chapter: Chapter 1

Hello again! I'm here with your request from about a month ago over in my thread on HPFT. First of all, the author's note you wrote at the end was extremely touching and appropriate considering the setting of the story and time of year this was posted. It moved me a bit to do my best in these last dregs of the holiday season, so thank you.

 

You were mainly concerned with the dialogue section and doing more "showing" rather than "telling." I'll begin with the dialogue between Sirius and the two guards. So from an outside perspective, the tone of voice the guards use fits with the setting and general feelings towards Sirius at this point in time. However, I do see where you were concerned with it as it does feel a bit forced and heavy in terms of length of time/words spoken per person. Something that I like to do when I'm getting stuck with dialogue is to read it out loud and mark where I take natural pauses to breathe or just in the phrasing. Then if it cuts up a large paragraph, I can insert a dialogue tag and maybe a body movement or something similar to help break it up further. By giving the speaker something to do besides just talk, the dialogue bits can then be strengthened. With these two Aurors specifically, since they're both so young and new to the job, allowing some of their internal fear and jumpiness at being inside Azkaban to peek through in body language while they speak could make the dialogue less harsh as well. If the transition from playing games with Sirius to serious manner was more fluid and had greater weight, the switch in tone would make more sense. They also begin by being rude to him, and then end by saying they used to look up to him and their siblings as well in Gryffindor, which is an admission that could be given much more weight. This admission of former idolization (if you will) typically doesn't come easy, but could be stoked by Sirius maybe acknowledging their presence in some form (like turning away to face the back wall of the cell) so they get aggravated at his lack of reaction. Otherwise, it feels awkward like you said. If you can re-work it with some of these suggestions then I think the dialogue could be much stronger. 

 

Now as far as the "showing" versus "telling" aspect of this story, I think there's not a whole lot you need to do to it anymore. You do a very good job of describing Sirius's emotions as things are happening in real time and his memories. There is a fine line between telling and showing in describing things in writing, but you've worked on editing this piece and there is honestly not much I would change in regards to that aspect. The closing paragraphs are very well written too and emphasize the point of the whole story in a way that sometimes some character or scene description can't convey. Perhaps I was just more in tune with your message for this story, but I believe your description here fits with the writing style and POV you used. 

 

So really, very well done on this story! While it definitely tugged at my heartstrings, your writing really pulled me in and made me feel a lot more about Sirius Black than I really thought I would. So thank you! Please feel free to pop over to my review thread again sometime if you like! :)

~MadiMalfoy x



Author's Response:

Hey, thanks for the advice! I'll definitly try to edit that dialogue section some more and figure out some way to tweak it. I'm glad to see the telling isn't too big an issue here. I know back on HPFF some people pointed that out as a thing to maybe watch for in this, so it seems the editing worked there. Now I'll have to focus on the other section. 

I'm glad you liked it, and thanks again for the solid review and feedback! :D



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