*Transferred from HPFF*
Heya! I'm dropping in for your review request :)
I really enjoyed this first chapter. Like you said, not much happens, but it was still fun.
Lyra seems like a fun character. She's sarcastic and a little weird. So far, she seems like a typical teenage girl. I'm looking forward to seeing her gain some depth in character. Not character growth since it's far too early in the story for that, but just some more fleshing out on who she actually is, beyond the sarcasm and tendency towards slapstick humour. I do like her use of lists. I approve of lists greatly.
Since we didn't get much on individual people, I'll just lump the rest of the Malfoy family together. I'm really looking forward to getting more Scorbus that doesn't just involve smooching - probably in the same boat as Lyra, there. I am not sure how likely this is going to be since this story is in Lyra's point of view, so of course we're going to see their relationship through her biases. I love this new and improved Draco Malfoy. I am all about the "father-of-the-year" Draco Malfoy trope. However, I'd love to see how he got there. I know this is also unlikely since sixteen-year-old daughters don't really care all that much about their parents' character development. But still, I think it will help this slightly out-of-character Draco make a little more sense if we got a little backstory on this miraculous transformation.
As to humour, I really enjoyed myself! I am a big fan of the humour genre, and this was a lot of fun. For me, most of the humour in this chapter came from the dialogue itself, rather than Lyra's internal monologue. I'm not sure how that's going to change over the chapters. On the note of dialogue, I really enjoyed it. It was fast and snappy and felt realistic. However, I would love a little more description of what's going on immediately around Lyra. I got enough background knowledge for an opening chapter, but not much on where Lyra actually was or how anything looked or felt our sounded. I had to fill in a lot of those gaps myself.
"Oh, so your Hufflepuff with muggles, but not with your own sister? Wow, Scorpius."
- "you" should be "you're"
(we share a dorm for christ sake!)
- "Christ" should be "Christ's"
This was a great opening chapter, though! Looking forward to more :)
A blueberry muffin sounds delicious right now and I just realized that I am hungry and should probably make dinner soon. It will probably be breakfast food because Lyra's breakfast inspired me.
SNITCH PUFFS, yes, I love really goofy analogues between the wizarding world and real one.
It's really cute that her parents showed up to see the game!
Of course the match continues as he is taken to the Hospital Wing, -- Hogwarts in a nutshell. Literally everything at the school is dangerous and no one blinks an eye at it, instead they encourage 14 year olds to play broom sports hundreds of feet in the air. I'm amazed there aren't more lawyers in the wizarding world.
Okay, so you know that thing I mentioned in my previous review about something to ground the reader really in the moment? This chapter is it. This was great! I loved the Quidditch game and how you wrote it focused on specifically the things Lyra is concentrating on - not the commentator, but on what's happening in front of her with the quaffle and who fell.
Oh no, Madam Pomfrey went a little overboard with all the details of how he might have died. haha Seriously, no one wants to hear stuff like that - no reason to unnecessarily worry people! But then again... wizarding world's sense of safety. Falling to your death is just a mundane kind of event it seems. :P
Aw, Lyra really is growing up. She didn't even break Hugo's nose. Instead she used her words. I'm proud of her.
The idea of all these wizards and witches waiting in line to sign the cast of someone they don't really know just because signing a cast is a big deal in a place where they usually have leg-regrowing potions instead of casts... that's hilarious. And also I would expect nothing less from Draco Malfoy than for him to already have the potion. It's extra funny because you just know some kid waited a really long time just to sign Lyra's cast and probably had to sign on top of some other large signature that was taking up too much space, and then it didn't matter anyway because Lyra got the cast off two hours later. Bahahaha.
Can we talk about the fact that Draco has an owl named Romeo. Headcanon: Astoria has one named Juliet.
On a scale of 1 to spatttergroit, how much do you think Draco enjoyed Lyra's response comparing him to Harry Potter? I bet he frowned grumpily and then started re-reading The Fault In Our Stars.
I'm really enjoying this fic so far, though one thing I'd love to see more of would be a bit more scene setting. I feel like it kind of hops from one thing to another pretty quickly and I never feel like I'm entirely in the moment. Maybe take time to describe what things look like, or what Lyra is feeling, or kind of get into her head more so the reader can really understand what makes her tick, as a way to complement all of the dialogue?
It's your story though so you write what you want to write - that's just a bit of CC/personal opinion if you want it. Either way, I'm definitely still enjoying the ride. :) To the next chapter! ♥
*Transferred from HPFF*
I just realized that we have the same style of summary for our stories. Except yours are definitely more comprehensive summaries, haha.
The information Ben chooses to share about the city in Italy is amusing. I mean, normally when I want to know something about a place, the first question in my mind is who is its patron saint. :P
Lyra comes off as a bit... unbalanced here. I mean, being so dramatically revolted by the couples and then actually punching Albus in the nose (possibly breaking it)? ... yikes! I can see why Draco called her a troublemaker.
Tall Awkward Gangly Friend. -- !! You've just invented a term that describes me 100%. I hella relate to this.
Wow, sarcasm does not work as well when not spoken. -- ALSO something I relate to. I have to resort to goofy looking emojis instead. See above statement about the patron saint. :P
I noticed Lyra watching Audrey walking. Do I detect a crush? I hope so because it would really round this story out into a nice rainbow. :D After all, there are no straight people in this story so far, except James.
Am I jealous or do I find love disgusting? -- She might be aromantic! Either that or she's a lonely, bitter teenager surrounded by people in love. Both equally likely options, and I'm not sure which one it is at the moment (neither is Lyra, I guess).
Hogwarts has an Orchestra! My nerdy violist self is very happy about this.
I like that you took into account how Hogwarts would have so many more students - in terms of sorting, and the number of professors teaching each class - as it'd be sort of a baby boom generation after the war, so I like that you included that as it feels pretty realistic.
I'm also excited that they're back at Hogwarts. And I'm still wondering how Lyra got the status of prefect even though she punched Albus in the face.
Transferring a few more reviews over from HPFF!
Here come awkward meeting the family shenanigans! I can't wait.
Her way of helping is to just tell her parents when Scorpius has been missing for two days... Helpful!
Lyra is totally right, free food is the #1 way to get anyone to go to anything. That and an open bar.
The long string of Mr Weasley and Mrs Weasley's made me laugh. There are so many of them! And I love how Lyra just described them all as the same thing with their name as an after thought.
I like that she was accepted so easily by all the Potter/Weasley bunch. And most especially that it went over well with Scorpius meeting everyone too - that sounds like a pretty intimidating thing, even if he's known a few of them for a while through school, but this is a different context.
Yay for everyone being happy! Even Lyra, because although she has to put up with her brother and his boyfriend finishing each other's sentences, at least she got some cake out of the deal so it's fair.
Capture the Flag - Transfer from HPFF
So, I thought your main character, Lyra is so strong like she's got such a clear voice and she's crazy but I totally love this! It was really strong opening chapter because you've give any information without over loading the reader but also got my interest/attention.
I think Lyra is so believeable as a teenager, she's got a great inner monologue which is really fun. I love that albus and scorpius are together, I do love a bit of scorbus, no lie. they're beyond fluffy here too. Another thing I love about this! I've been reading too much angst recently!
So, your relationships are so great already. I'm totally enjoying the banter between the siblings. it's believable and engaging for it. it sounds like conversations I might have had with my brother when we were younger. I really like the relationships with her family which seems to be really strong and loving, it's nice.
I like that you had Lyra going off and talking about one subject like her friends then coming back to present. I imagine she is a bit scatty by the way you use her inner monologue here. I'm very interested but Lyra is going to be getting up to in this story! good job at developing some strong and promising characters within this chapter! ;D XX
Hey, Lily! I'm here for BvB! :)
Love, love, love this chapter. Your writing style here is so relatable - Lyra's narration (and her banter with her brother!) drew me in immediately. She's so sarcastic, and I already love her so, so much as a character.
I think one of the things I love most here, too, is the way you ground us in the story from the start. This isn't a particularly long chapter, but you squeeze a lot of exposition in without seeming like you're squeezing a lot of exposition in, if that makes sense - you give us the context to figure out things like Lyra and Scorpius's respective houses, ages, and personalities, as well as what the Malfoy family is like as a whole - without making it feel like you're just telling us about them, which ends up making the exposition around her friends and the rest of their family feel natural, too.
I have one small nitpick - if Albus just got Head Boy and Lyra is talking about being made HG next year, that would imply that she's a sixth year, right? If so, why was she just made a prefect?
That's just a nitpick, though. Amazing job here!
That must have been terrifying to fall out hte window! Like, that's really not a lot of time to think fast and come up with some way to not break both of your legs and/or spine. I'd be kinda angry at Ben if I were her. Also I have a feeling Ben's last minute plan was pretty ineffective because his mother would have heard a scream from outside the window, probably heard the Accio, and then seen someone fly away from below Ben's window. Good try Ben, but no. :P
Thank goodness Hogwarts now has a sex-ed class. After all the fics I've seen about teenage pregnancy at Hogwarts it was about time that they have that class XD
Albus and Scorpius really are the cheesiest :P
HI LILY!!! ♥ First of all, let me apologize for being so incredibly slow with this. I promise I didn't forget about you - I was working 50hr weeks in addition to applying to grad schools and trying to visit family. So, it was insane and I had no time but now I am very much here for this story. Here we go!
Your chapter image is gorgeous.
I love the idea of Scorpius having a younger sister! Especially one who's kind of bad at being a Malfoy, at least in the tradition of all the others - at least from the first section of this, I can tell that she's a bit of a troublemaker, as opposed to Draco and Lucius who were each really focused on their reputation. Though it seems the war and its repercussions have really changed Draco. His kids being a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor? I love it. (I bet Draco didn't, but hey what can you do. :P) Also, I must admit I'm really curious about their family movie nights. Mostly just the image of Draco Malfoy watching muggle movies and enjoying them. Now I have a new headcanon: he would tell people he really likes serious movies like The Shawshank Redemption but secretly his favorite film is The Notebook. Am I right?
AM I PICKING UP HINTS OF SCORBUS? Seriously, how fast did Scorpius switch from surly to jumping for joy at a letter from Albus. I rest my case. :D
...Okay, so I guess I got ahead of myself there, because the subtext I was picking up on was actually just text. This is what happens when you review as you read. Anyway, yay for scorbus. I love them as a couple, but seeing them through Lyra's eyes is pretty hilarious because it's so realistic to how anyone would feel about getting TMI about their sibling's love life. It's a fun twist because I'm reading about a ship I love but through the lens of someone who is bored/disgusted by it, she's like "Get a soundproof room and leave me alone."
I’ll give you a paragraph. Read it very quickly, and imagine me talking fast. -- Lyra is such a fun narrator! This section made me laugh. It's kind of like this is her memoir or something that she just handed to the reader to read rather than telling a story, and it makes for a really fun way of storytelling.
The sibling bickering between her and Scorpius is adorable, and how they still race each other down the stairs to open the door just for the sake of competition. And Draco's half hearted attempts to get his children to shut up because their immature arguing is annoying him, even though he knows it won't work because this is literally what happens all the time. But he still makes the attempt in hopes that they'll be quiet this time, because he's trying to watch The Notebook but the room is too noisy. I know this to be true.
Hahaha, Albus and Scorpius are the worst, and couples like this in real life drive me nuts... but I love scorbus anyway.
What book is Draco reading? My bets are that he is holding up the jacket to a John Grisham courtroom novel, but inside is actually a John Green novel. That's why the jacket was upside down.
Okay, so, in summary: I really enjoyed this first chapter! Lyra's narrative voice is a lot of fun and I look forward to getting to know her and her family better in subsequent chapters! I'm so glad I got this story for the review exchange. :)
I think the opening line is quite funny. She was always looking for trouble yet she's now the prefect! It reminds me of James Potter.
It's unnecessary and maybe we'll see it in later chapters, but when you tell me she's always looking for trouble I'd like an example story perhaps? Tell me something outrageous she's done to really give me the full impact!
I like that you've got Scorpius over in Hufflepuff. I don't think I've actually read a Scorpius in Hufflepuff before!
I think you've nailed the humor head on. It's definitely nothing you have to worry about. “You don’t have to be kind. You just have to want to be.” I died at this line. That's completely hilarious. Also the whole “Muggles do fly” bit really got me. Your banter is absolutely fantastic!
You told me to nitpick so I'm nitpicking (although there isn't really much to pick at). One thing is "Anyways" instead of "Anyway" but I'm not sure that bothers many people. And Lyra really likes the word "So." TBH so do I so I can't judge. So and also. I'll be silent for like three hours and then say "ALSO! alkfjaslkfj" and I can't stop. "Oh, so ~you're~ Hufflepuff..." Did I mention yet that nitpicking is so hard for me?
I love the idea of Lyra's name. It's gorgeous and I've spent a TON of time looking at constellation names for my characters and I've found approximately none that I liked so I'm jealous you got to this name first.
I also love the idea of the Malfoys being big fluffy, cheesy bowls of mush. I blame Astoria.
I think you've really nailed the teenage voice in this story (something I struggle with so terribly). She sounds like she's the right age, not an old writer that forgot what teenagers actually sound like.
I love me some good Scorbus so I think this will be adorable. You have them absolutely so cute too. Disgustingly cute.
Usually I'm not crazy about the main character telling us the story, but I think it works really well in this story and I think it gives us more depth into Lyra and the way she thinks and acts. One thing that I think would make it clearer for the readers is making it clear that she's writing bits of this in the journal style. It's a little hazy at first.
I'm not used to being nitpicky so let me tell you that even though nothing I said was all that wildly harsh, it felt like it was for me. It hurt my soul. I think this story is going to be fabulous though and I'm SO glad you're revisiting it. Lyra has a TON of potential and Scorpius is a precious angel baby. I don't usually offer to beta (because I'm a lazy sloth) but I'm about 1000% sure I'll keep reading this story (as I'm already opening the next chapter to read) and so if you want someone to just look through your content or anything, shoot me a PM and I'll be there! This story will be so much fun and I think it's going to be among the most read by the time you finish it!
I copy and pasted my review and I'm leaving it like this because I'm a lazy bones but I also wanted to say that it looks like you'd done the minor touch ups in this chapter and it reads really smoothly. I particularly like the way you've styled the headers (I know, omg Paula, really headers) because honestly HPFF was really lacking in this and to me it completely changed the way I read a lot of this.
***Transferred from HPFF***
Here with your requested review! :)
Ok, so... this was fun!
I always enjoy a good, sassy POV! And some siblings' rivalry! It's always so much fun to read! :)
I also totally love the idea of Scorpius being a Hufflepuff! I never considered that possibility, but I think it's an interesting perspective. And, well... I have a soft spot for Hufflepuff characters... :P (have to agree with Lyra, thought. He doesn't seem very nice to her...)
Draco also seems a good father, very supportive of his children, which is another thing that surprised me slightly but that I enjoyed seeing.
And, despite Lyra's opinions on the matter, I think Albus and Scorpius are very cute! Even if it's hard to tell, seeing things through Lyra's eyes. :P
I enjoyed reading this chapter. It's very funny and helps get a good idea about who the characters are. I really enjoyed the picture of the Malfoy family you gave us here. :)
Nice start to your story. Thank you for requesting. :)
Hello lovely! :)
I'm here transferring reviews!
Hello gorgeous Lily!
Annoy me with Lyra all you want - I love her! I had a smile on my face the entire time I was reading this. I want to pull out my favourite lines but there's just too many! Most of this review is just going to be me gushing :P The fact the Malfoys are a mushy family with Muggle movie nights and Hufflepuff & Gryffindor children just melts my heart. Also, Scorbus 5eva! ♥ This is hilarious, you have no reason to be concerned over whether you're funny or not. Lyra is so snarky, I love the way she talks about Scorpius and Albus. She's the perfect disgusted little sister. And their banter is so great, too. I hope we see more of that. I can't wait to see where you take this, and whether Lyra meets someone who changes her mind about luuurve ;)
Awesome work, Lils! ♥