Hello! I'm here for the Magical Menagerie event.
Let's get started, shall we?
I love a good canon marauders fic. Starting with Snape's worst memory was an interesting choice, with both pros and cons. (Bear with me, I promise I like your story!) On the downside, reading the parts that were very directly out of the books was not particularly compelling simply because, no matter how well written they are, I don't get anything new. It's the nature of the beast, not your fault. BUT, very much on the positive side, it also means starting right at the crux of these tangled relationships, a moment when Lily feels particularly lost. The scene itself was not new, but it paves the way for a lot of high-tension stuff to come, and I am now very excited to see where things go from here!
One choice you made that I have never seen before and find suuuper interesting is for Lily to blame James for her friendship with Snape ending. I think she's wrong, but I see her logic. Lily is so often written as having aturity far beyond her years, and this response feels very approrpriate and natural for a girl her age. Plus, it makes me interested in her character in a different way. I want to see her grow past this, to understand that Snape's behavior was inexcusable regardless of his own hurt feelings. (As was James' behavior, but not as severely.)
You've definitely caught my interest to see where your marauders go from here. I want to get to know your versions of these characters better!
Well done! :)
Hey, so first of all, oh-my-gosh I love that you write long chapters! Like, at least 5000 words. It makes me so happy. A) because I like reading long chapters; and B) all my chapters for my current novel are longer-ish, and looking on the horizon of planning them, they are looking like they are going to be long chapters too. And I had a mini panic moment when I realized that my fourth chapter was going to be probably around 6000 words long. But then I see that you're chapters are long, and it just warms my heart. Yup.
Anyway... sorry for that ramble. I thought this was a good start to a story. James is so incredibly arrogant … I love it <3 Like, how he thought to tutor Lily in Trans because he’s better than her in it. Not “Oh, I can help her.” But straight up because it was the only subject he could possibly beat her at. Like… wow. But I love it <3 I love James’ arrogance and cockiness, and how he matures and grows up.
I’m real curious as to what it was that Snape gave Lily. It really changed her behavior towards James. It was going good, and I was like, whispering, “Good for you, James!” but then there was such a change the next day! But, props to you for making that conflict to contrast their behaviors. I’m looking forward to seeing things progress.
Also, Jilly fics are usually from Lily’s perspective. I think James’ perspective is more difficult to write. But that could also be ‘cuz I’m not a dude, and yeah. So good job in that regard!
I look forward to reading more :)
Written for Gryffindor’s GvR Competition
Okay, Cali! I'm here with one last review for your request (I would read more, but I'm so behind with my requests right now... but feel free to come back anytime!)
Oh, my Merlin! These two are going to drive me crazy! They are both so proud and stubborn... but that's the reason they are so perfect together, you know? :P
Also, I love how it was the other Marauders' influence that prompted James to never give up on Lily. I've never thought that might be the case (I've always imagined them ridiculing him for his obsession) but now that you mention it I love the idea. :D
Also, talking about the Marauders... I had no idea their group name was supposed to be kept secret... and of course Peter would be so bad at keeping secrets... did I mention that I love his characterization? (Sorry, I have a particular love for Peter, I think I might have told you already... anyway, I really appreciate how you are handling his character... and everyone else, too...)
All of James' thoughts about how the girls "transformed" in third year were so great! Ah, teenage hormones... I found that bit very entertaining. :P
Oh, and that prank! I've loved it so much! It's so hard to come up with a good Marauder prank, but you absolutely nailed it! So great!
I'm still not totally sure what happened between Quinn and Sirius? Like... the feeling I got is that they got too involved in each other and got kind of scared or something? I have to say, I like the way you wrote their relationship. That's how I've always imagined Sirius to be in regards to romance. The relationship he has here with Quinn is just the same as I've always wrote him with Marlene. I know, a bit cliched, but still...
As always, I feel like I'm missing the point with my review... (I have to confess, I read half of this chapter this morning, then my computer went a bit crazy, so I kind of forgot the details... and also I've been doing other things in between writing this review, so I'm kind of distracted, I'm so sorry...) Anyway, this was another lovely chapter! I love your writing and I love how the story is developing! Great job, my dear! :)
Lots of love,
First of all, I just realized that I completely ignored your questions in your request (I always do that...) So... yes, I would probably prefer shorter chapters (actually, that was more true for the previous one, this one didn't feel as long? I have no idea of the word count, I should check). But I'm a lazy reader, and even if the chapters are a bit long, the writing is engaging so it's not really a struggle. :) And it's definitely interesting to read, so no worries about people losing interest. ;)
Also, I already told you before but I love your characterization and I think each character has a very distinct and recognizable voice, so no worries about that, either. :D Basically, I think you are a great writer and that you are crafting a great story! ;)
But now onto this chapter! :P
Okay, so... I love adolescent girls being... adolescent girls! :P I really enjoyed Mary, Edith and Cait and their comments about the Marauders... and btw, I bet they would be a sight to behold. :P I also really enjoyed the short introduction about their characters. It was just a small paragraph for each of them, but it really helped capturing their personalities. I think it was a really nice tool. :)
When Quinn talked about the breakup I was wondering who he was... but I kind of feel like you already mentioned her and Sirius in previous chapters? So I should have known but I forgot? Because I'm almost sure you did... and I'm sorry... :( Also, now I'm curious... what happened between them? I guess that's going to come up again (also because I expect Lily to confront Quinn about this very soon, especially after her encounter with James...
I really enjoy Lily's inner monologue. I love that you are making her sort of flawed. I also really enjoyed how insecure she is, but at the same time how high of an opinion she has of herself. Or pretends to have, I'm not sure. Anyway, she's so much fun to read.
I love that James is kind of the opposite. His thoughts are always so earnest, it's kind of endearing. You are making me love him more and more. <3 I think it's funny how he was enjoying so much the attention he and his friends got as soon as they stepped onto the platform. And once again, I just love the dynamics among the four friends, you can just tell how close they all are and how well they know each other.
The scene with James and Lily at the end was just so good! They are so hilarious together! I just love how James unnerves her, he just knows how to push her buttons and I bet he finds it entertaining... and of course she's so very attracted by him at this point, even if she's never going to admit it (not yet, at least...) I love all her thoughts about his eyes... :P
I also think it's very interesting what she said when he asked her why she felt the need to apologize then, that she meant what she said that time, while it usually wasn't the case when she insulted him in general... it makes a lot of sense, too... I wonder how James felt in hearing that... anyway, I liked her honesty in that moment and I think it was an interesting thing to show.
So, this was another great chapter. Maybe a bit more frivolous than the rest of the story so far, but I suppose it's good to have a break from all the angst anyway? And it was all very believable, too, so that's actually nice. :)
I will probably review one more chapter tomorrow.
Lots of love,
Oh, my god, James, you are so sneaky! (Okay, not sure that's the right adjective, but I'm sure you know what I mean...)
Anyway, I'm here for your request, and I'm so deeply sorry that it took me so long... :(
I can't believe he voluntarily didn't accept Lily's apology because he didn't want her to just move on and consequently stop thinking about him... but I guess it's working... that's so subtle! But if it helps getting them together I'm not going to complain. :P
I loved the beginning, Lily worrying about how she looked in her dress... ahahah! She doesn't already have a crush, not at all... :P I just absolutely loved all her thoughts, the way she just couldn't bring herself to apologize till the very last minute... and James was just so lovely! How are those two so adorable? Just hurry up and get together! (Erm, sorry... I know that's not how it works and that I should be patient... anyway, the way you described James through Lily's eyes was just so wonderful!)
When James refused the apology I was so sad. But I sort of understood his point of view? (Which honestly made me even more shocked when I realized he did it on purpose...)
It also made me very sad the scene with Petunia. I was kind of surprised, because in my head she never really liked Marge, but that's just my personal feeling and not really important... I felt so bad for Lily, but also for Petunia herself, because her parents were actually a bit unfair to her. I mean, she's awful in the way she talks to Lily, but I feel like her parents did have a special consideration for Lily that they didn't have for her and that they were way too harsh on her instead and that can't be right. They should consider her feelings, too... but I'm judging without enough contest, probably.
And the dream!!! Oh, my Merlin! I really thought that was actually happening and I was way too excited about it... even if it was kind of strange that James would just turn up at Lily's house in the heart of the night like that... but anyway, I'm a bit upset with you for tricking me like that! (Kidding, I'm not upset at you. I loved it all!)
Okay... so... James' section... I feel like I've blabbered too much about Lily's and now I'm kind of missing the words for James'... I mean, that was just great, too! I especially appreciated that you showed us all four Marauders together and their strong friendship. It's the thing I love the most about them!
Also, the scene of the duel was so well written! You have such great descriptions and I've also absolutely loved how you listed all the strenghts and weaknesses of each one of them, I really appreciated it a lot.
The dialogue among them in the last scene was just so great, too. Actually, I've absolutely loved your style throughtout the chapter. It just flows so well and I could picture everything so well in my head and I just love your characterization of everyone and all the dialogue is so natural and the voices so right... You are just so good, really!
(I don't think I reviewed James' section at all, but I guess my complains at the beginning said it all already?)
I will review more after dinner, for now great job and thank you for reminding me of this story!
Lots of love,
Quodpot Review: Match 1
After a wait that was entirely too long, I’m finally here with your requested review! (And I’m doubling it up with Quodpot for the House Cup, because I was in the mood to kill two birds with one stone.)
I really like how you used that Legilimency moment to examine Lily and Snape’s relationship over the years - it provided a lot of depth and nuance to the situation that I think is really important. Like, yes, the “Mudblood” line is a big deal, but it’s always been obvious to me that there was build-up to that moment - it was more like the last straw than an isolated incident. And also… how creepy do you gotta be to use Legilimency on your friend?? That’s so freaking invasive, ugh.
I’m also really glad that Lily feels bad about the way she treated James - like, yes, he’s a bit annoying (what teenage boy isn’t, let’s be real), but her attack last chapter definitely came out of nowhere. And yeah, she was upset, so she definitely has justification for it, but I’m glad she’s going to apologize to him for it. And I adore your depiction of Alice as Lily’s mentor-of-sorts slash big-sister-that-Petunia-never-was.
Just as a note, I’d recommend going through the chapter and fixing some of the spacing - the archive can be kind of glitchy with the way it handles spacing between paragraphs (especially if you copied it over directly from HPFF), and there’s a lot of times where there’s no gap between paragraphs and it makes it a little harder to read.
Lovely chapter - feel free to come back and request the next one, as I’m already excited to see how this next interaction between James and Lily goes!!
Thank you so much for your kind review! The spacing issue is driving me insane. It's throwing the narration completely off but thank for pointing it out I'll try my best to fix it.
James and Lily certainly do have their drama and I do see them going back and forth between friends and foes before settling into a relationship. They have a lot of likeable traits but they also have a lot of opinions that drive the other up the wall and I'm trying to explore that with this story. I hope it comes through.
And yes, I love Alice as Lily's mentor/big sister headcanon.
Thank you so much!
Oh... that'll be interesting.
Great chapter! James is finally learning, and I like the dynamic between him and Quinn, who is officially one of the most voraciously stubborn characters I have ever seen, wow. Looking forward to Quidditch tryouts, and I'm glad you didn't try and sugarcoat the truth about trying out the sport. It'll be interesting to see how you do it, and I liked the addition of Evane Griffiths.
Characterization is as on-point as always, particularly with Snape's cursing of James; I don't know if this is what you were going for, but the fact such a nasty curse was leveled at James is representative about how the stakes are starting to rise for the junior Death Eaters, as well as Snape's bitterness, since it would make sense in his hatred of James, who he'd blame for losing Lily.
Can't wait for the next!
Ahh, the last one *sob* Again I'm so terribly sorry I took this long to reply to reply to your lovely reviews! They've really raised my spirits when I've needed it! Thank you so very much. I've had a crazy year these past six-seven months but I hope I can write more frequently this year.
Quinn is my knight, so to speak, she's equal parts calculating and strategist and also brazen and volatile. She's a loose cannon sometimes. If she were a chess piece, she'd be a knight. I have no idea how she and Lily became friends or stayed friends for that matter, but I'm having fun exploring that. She and James have a completely different dynamic. Evane too needs more exploring and I will get her more "screen-time" later on.
Quidditch has always been one of my favourite things to write about, I enjoyed it a lot in my first fiction and I loved reading the parts with matches in POA.
Severus in my head had a personality and the skill to orchestrate such a thing and enough hatred for James to actually go through with it. Yes, I suppose these kinds of events would be like auditions for the eventual death-eaters.
Thanks so much for reading this story and liking it and critiquing it so well! I hope the next one does not disappoint!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
Well, that was... explosive. Certainly the tipping point, I think, for James, after all of it, to do some serious re-examination of himself, with Theodore McKinnon (A relation, I presume to Marlene McKinnon? That will be interesting to see play out) and his father, as well as Lily and Snape. As for Lily, she'll have her own growing up to deal with, considering the encroaching war and Snape.
I think, though, besides the clear epiphanies abounding in this chapter, it'll be interesting to see how the fact that pretty much all of Slytherin House is being forced into the brainwashing, as you called it (Which, great job mentioning it; possibly the Imperius at work somewhere?), is handled. The lightheartedness of the last chapters, it seems, will not last. *Sobs*
Great build-up to the confrontation, and I'm excited to see how you take the characters and the plot (Which, I'm curious: will there be an overarching event, a la the canon books, or is it just a coming-of-age deal?) from here!
I'll be here for the next chapter, that's for sure! Fantastic story!
Mmm yes, James is going through a tough time :) What can I say? the plot needs it. Ahh Theodore... well yes, and no... You'll see. Hopefully, soon! Theodore is James's childhood friend who has grown apart from him. It's sort of a setting to show not all Slytherins are the same and being typecast can cause friction in relationships that really needn't have suffered. Lily identifies this point early on with Severus and tried to have him included in her circle of friends except she actually chose the wrong Slytherin to prove a point. Anyway, I think all wars have an effect on shaping young minds and how they think, either you believe in the cause, you're forced to align with the cause or you are against it and retaliate to it. That's the kind of set up for future chapters I wanted to show here.
I will, however, try to keep the lightheartedness alive! Promise.
I'm not quite sure of the final steps of the story if I want to go past their school years and into the war, if I want to do that in a sequel etc. For now, it's a coming of age with a sense of romance and the background of a brewing war.
THANK YOU SO MUCH as always for the lovely words, the praise the constructive criticism and the encouragement!
So, great chapter - love the friendship between Mary and Lily most of all about this chapter, especially establishing Lily's 'base', so to speak outside of James and his own friends. Also, the snark in this chapter is fantastic, and does a great job of establishing Mary's personality as distinct from Lily and especially James. And I liked the conversation about Snape's Legilimency, and the allusion to just what Mulciber did to Mary McDonald (Very interesting take there).
Quick things about the very beginning about Mary's POV during the Herbology class - she was addressing the audience during her introspective monologue, with the "don't look at me", etc, so unless it was unintentional, you should more clearly establish she was talking/thinking to herself, as it's pretty confusing and breaks the tone you seem to be trying to get.
Also, when you have her mention how no one knows what the "M" stands for, you have her call them the Marauders three lines later. Unless you switch to third-person omniscient for a bit there (Which looks entirely plausible, and in which case you'll have to clarify the switch), you'll have to watch for typos like that. WE all know what it stands for, but MARY does not, as established by you right before that.
Great job overall, and I"m looking forward to the next (And last, *sniff*) chapter!
P.S Poor Bobby... :D (Was that a callback to Neville I saw?)
Hey again! Thank you so much again for reading. liking Mary's voice and identifying a difference in her and Lily. That's the tricky part about first-person writing and I'm thrilled you see a difference in them. I get your point I have been a little distracted and allowing their voice in my head to translate on to the page. I am in the process of editing it all, and I'm trying to do it effectively with the little time I have, I will try to get them all done soon. Thanks for catching the changes and the typos! I can't believe I missed that!
THANK YOU SO MUCH! You've been fantastic with these reviews! I love them all.
Someone get Lily a James-to-English translator, stat. Or possibly an emergency surgery for James to remove the foot from his mouth.
Seriously, I love the fact that you're taking it slowly with them, but still keeping things going. They aren't in twu luv yet - though I think James would disagree with me - and are still working on building a friendship after years of...well, whatever you feel like calling it. It's a natural build, and you're incorporating outside influences in a natural way, like with Lily's friends, Marauders' pranking, and, presumably, more eventual ties to the Voldemort and the war. It's an excellent way to create a slice-of-life with everyone, and I'm excited for what's next.
Here's my usual reminder about grammar, tenses and formatting, (Sorry, I can be a bit nasty about it), but I want to note that you do actually break the fourth-wall at one point during James's POV, when he says "Don't blame me, Padfoot came up with it..." Unless it's crack or Deadpool, you don't want a character to say something like that in their thought process.
Characterization is on-point as usual - James is learning it's an awkward process, revising Lily's opinion of him after so long, and you're handling it perfectly - and I'm interested to see how the main plot will go!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
James-to-English dictionary! I had a good laugh at that one! Thank you so much for enjoying their interaction thus far, it's about to twist and turn quite a bit! I think James is a little -how can I say this delicately- naive when it comes to love and Lily is on the opposite end of the spectrum being all too practical about it. At least that's how they are in my head. I hope that translates!
I think there was probably a few people who saw the Lily-James relationship coming a mile away and probably some who encouraged it too. And there were probably more people who thought they had no business being together. I hope to integrate a lot of these people into the story.
Thanks again for picking up on the grammar faux pas, I completely understand and as funny as it is in my head it's not write to have characters speak to you from your reading. Thank you so so much again for all the love. I'm so sorry it's literally taken forever for me to get back to these reviews! I do hope though you know just how much I love and appreciate these!
Vengeful Lily Evans is the best Lily Evans, of course. And while I've never seen your take on her, I do agree with it here, and find it to be consistent. While she doesn't get angry at every little thing, she will - and has - viciously protect her friends and family. Great job with introducing her friends - very interested in where Quinn Jones is going to go - and you caught the awkwardness in the miscommunications perfectly.
Best part had to be James covering for Sirius with Lauren; I love how you're writing the Marauders' dynamics, and especially as you integrate them into the story.
As far as improvements, just makes sure to keep an eye on switching between past and present tense. There are several instances in the beginning of this story where you slip, and it's really very jarring in terms of the voice of the narrator.
Also, I haven't mentioned this so far, but should: thank you for not making Peter Pettigrew an Obvious Bad Guy, but clearly someone who could wind up best friends with James Potter and Sirius Black. It's an overused trope to make him obvious Death Eater material, and seeing him as a somewhat sympathetic character is refreshing.
Excited for the next chapter!
Terribly late I know! I'm so so sorry. It's been mayhem in the real world! I love when people who are generally nice have their limits crossed and go off! It's spectacular! I would love to see Lily do that at some point though I'm not sure how to introduce it to her yet. For now she's who she is. I don't really think of Lily as a predecessor to Hermione with the same sort of traits. I think while they certainly have their similarities they are different characters. I wanted to write Lily with a short fuse and some interesting vocabulary. We'll see how it goes.
Quinn is one a kind. She is tough and the coming chapters will show more of her character and I'm excited about it. Though writing and finding time for it scares me! :(
Tenses yes. thanks for letting me know. Sometimes I'm oblivious to it sometimes I pick it up. When its a voice I'm using to tell the story it's hard to stay rooted in the past for me when this character keeps speaking about events as if she/he's sitting in front of me. But thank you, it was a great help and I've since started revising most chapters and changing the tenses.
Thank you so much again for your kind words and advice! I appreciate it SO MUCH! Thank you!
James is a lovesick dork. And Lily is far up a river in Egypt. It makes my heart happy.
Also, the bit with Vernon Dursley is possibly one of the funniest bits I've ever read, and should be a more common headcanon. I can totally see Lily getting in the way there.
Well, I think this is the best chapter I've read so far. You do a great job with Sirius in this chapter, particularly with the Muggle knowledge, something he'd take pride in because of his family, which Lily wouldn't know about.
Just make sure to be careful with some of your turns of phrase. James, in chapter 1, wouldn't call Lily "Young Ms. Evans" in his head, seeing as they're the same age, unless it was to be cheeky out loud. Also, when you say James "reaches mechanically" in Flourish & Blotts, it's a bit of a strange turn of phrase, as there's nothing to suggest he would move in such a manner, emotionally or physically.
You do a a better job with Petunia here, mentioning Lily's "freakish" friends, how she isn't "normal", and the POV switches remain very organic, and flow with the story well. Characterization is really proving to be a strong point with this story, and you take these characters in their younger versions from what we know, and keep them engaging and new, while still very recognizable. You pirate a few phrases from the books in places that work very well, and it's generally marvelous.
Keep writing the good write!
Hey again! Thank you very much for more love! xx
I loved writing Vernon into the story like this which was a complete spur-of-the-moment idea which just struck me while writing. I sometimes feel Petunia and Vernon dont get mentioned at all in Marauder fics and just wanted to add them here.
I haven't done Sirius's PoV and quite honestly I'm dreading it. I don't want him to sound exactly like James because in my head they have very distinctive storylines and personalities. It just so happens that these personalities get along extremely well. I consider him a bigger challenge than getting James right. Hopefully, it will work out.
Thanks to your input I've gone back and fixed a few mistakes or odd wordings here and there. Thanks for that. I'm always incredibly glad to hear that the character POVs feel somewhat authentic! It's honestly such a joy to hear that from a reviewer! SO THANK YOU SO MUCH!
McGonagall hanging Sirius and James over OWLs... *Walks off snickering into the distance*
Well, you certainly matched the first chapter, if not exceeded it. First things first, the POV switch seemed to work just fine, but be careful when writing our actual characters 'thoughts' versus the normal narration, as the line can get pretty blurry. Your description of Lily and Snape's relationship through the years is excellent, and you don't skimp on how complicated it was. I like the shared traits you gave them, but also how you described the very human choices Snape made that drove the two of them apart. Also, and I don't know if you intended this, but during the interaction before the legilimens, (Which I've never seen before, but wasn't expecting! I'm hoping to see that explored further, because, wow...) you could see the bitterness in Snape making the grumpy berk we all know in the original books, especially with his "research" line, I got chills.
As for grammar and formatting, just keep being careful with that. There were only two mistakes within the entire chapter I found (I think you dropped a line between the last two memories of Lily's, and you missed an apostrophe when Petunia screeched on the owl), but the rhythm you keep in your writing, which is incredibly high-quality, is such that it's just really jarring whenever there's something you missed. Characterizations continue to be on-point - Petunia was hilarious, but be careful to prevent her from becoming a caricature, especially when you do such a nice job else where - and the distinct voices between Lily and James are both there, and I'm loving it.
Keep the great work!
So so sorry for my terrible lateness! I'm extremely stressed out thanks to my exams and work and trying to find time to study! Insane! ANYWAY! I love all your reviews and I loved hearing about what you liked about each chapter, it truly motivates me to write more. The last chapter took about two and a half months to plan alone! I kept cutting out things and adding new pieces and the last draft was barely recognizable from the idea I had in my head.
I truly appreciate you picking up the slight changes in pace, confusions between thoughts versus narration. I really do try to catch as many of it as I can before it goes into the queue. Its hard, I might have mentioned, to work without a Beta. Since I'm quite inconsistent with how I write and since I have to juggle it between work and exams and everything else its hard to hand in something regularly. Thank you so much for all your suggestions they really help so much!
The Snape and Lily relationship for me has been tricky to write. I certainly do like Severus's character because he had a lot of depth to him. But trying to build a friendship between Severus who had very little respect for muggle-borns with the exception of Lily and Lily who in my head stood up against injustice and was a muggle-born herself it quite difficult. So I love love love that you thought it came out well! You don't know how much that means to me! THANK YOU!
Thank you so so much for all your suggestions! I will patch up the odd grammar mistakes and try and minimise the grammar errors in the future.
Thanks a million!
- Cali xx
Oh, my. Where do I begin...
Well, first off, this was a wonderful first chapter. I love how you're intertwining some many bits and pieces of the lives of the Marauders & Co. into the story, such as with Sirius and your OC Sophia Reese, LIly's "group of idealists" (Which, fascinating phrase to come from James flippin' Potter), or the mention of Hagrid noticing if James kept breaking into the Quidditch equipment because OF COURSE he would. It's a great way to engage the reader with something, especially as you incorporate familiar elements that makes this fit into the HP 'verse. Additionally, your characterization of James is excellent, and Lily is fantastic, particularly in the end, which broke my heart just a bit. You can see the slight pureblood snob in him, even as this vital change in him starts to take place.
Really, if there's any weakness so far, it's mostly in the odd slip-up grammar and tense. You slip into present tense from past once or twice (Such as when saying "He [Sirius] never learns" in the beginning, instead of "He never learned".) It's nothing that takes away from the story, but it can be a bit jarring. Furthermore, don't be afraid to let James ramble a bit in his mind. It's pretty clear when you edit his thought process to get back to the action, and it get a bit stilted for short period of time. This is a highly character-driven piece, from what I can tell, and a lot of it depends on him being able to work through his character development. But, to your credit, you regain your pacing really quickly, which is awesome.
Lastly, I do have to mention: I'm normally not a fan of First POV, but you've nailed it so far, and it's been fitting your James Potter so incredibly well.
Onwards to the next chapter!
P.S. Full disclosure: I'm a James/Lily diehard shipper, so I may be a bit biased. :)
OH MY GOD!
As you know I've completely fallen head over heels in love with you and your reviews! When you said you were going to be honest and give praise only if it deserved it... well, there was a lot of nail-biting involved and I braced myself for the worst! But dear God I did NOT expect this!
I will never tire of hearing good things about James's characterization! I LOVE writing him but I find that getting his voice right is difficult and I often need to go back and edit and re-edit before I can say ‘Ok that works' and so to hear that you love his characterisation is just... *dreamy face* Christmas morning at Hogwarts (or as close as I can imagine it) THANK YOU! You have no idea how wonderful it feels!
Thanks for the tips on grammar. Working without a Beta is difficult stuff, but as I'm juggling work, exams and a lot of other things so I'm not as consistent with my writing as I'd like to be and that might be difficult to work with for a beta. I will try and get those tenses fixed, thanks for the tip!
I understand the aversion to first-person, it doesn't give me a lot of freedom to show a lot of perspectives to a situation either. But personally, I feel I write best in first person. I write best when I walk in their shoes... It might explain the unpopularity of the novel with readers though haha. Anyway, THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH! It's really wonderful to hear such great things about a chapter that was born on a tired evening while I read Snape's worst memory and wondered "If only we could hear James's version of this story".
I'm so sorry it's taken me forever getting back to you on these reviews I've just had some terrible times over here. I'm here now to say every word you said made me feel wonderful about this story and happy that I didn't give it up even with everything else in my life demanding attention.
THANK YOU! xx
Hi, here with your requested review!! I love James and Lily stories, so I'm excited to see your take.
I do like that you've started with the Snape's worst memory scene - it's the main canon event we have to work with, so it serves as a good diving board for the rest of the plot. I think everyone kind of has different interpretations of how we think the aftermath of that scene will play out, and I really liked what you did with yours. For starters, James. I think you really made that a moment where he started to grow up just a little bit - if only for the fact that he felt remorseful for a moment afterwards. And, of course, because maturity is a rather slow process, you show that just because he felt remorse doesn't necessarily mean he acted on it (he did try to vanish Snape's pants, after all...)
I also... really love what you did with Lily? I'll admit, at first, when she immediately cozied up to James that evening after he apologized, I was a bit skeptical - I've never really thought his role in that situation with Snape was something she'd be able to get past in one night. But then, you add the scene the next morning, and it's clear that she's going through something. She's still processing it all, and so she switches between being amicable with James to quite literally cursing his existence. And I think that's good, and incredibly realistic, because sometimes people just change their mind about a situation for no apparent reason? It's just how emotions work sometimes. And I think it's good too, because it shows Lily as this very real, raw character who's torn between two very different feelings.
Ok, moving beyond characters and into dialogue, I think most of the dialogue flows really naturally! The only thing I will say is that sometimes it's a bit confusing when you've got dialogue sandwiched by descriptors on both sides - there's a section at the beginning where Flitwick says, "five minutes left," and it's smack in the middle of a paragraph. Also, with your dialogue tags, just make sure you're using commas! So, for example, "she exclaimed, reading the question again," or "I asked, closing my own book." The action and the dialogue are two separate things, so it's a bit easier on the reader to read if they're physically separated in some way too.
Plotwise, I obviously can't comment too much, because this chapter is largely just Snape's worst memory and the immediate aftermath, but I will say, you've got me super intrigued as to where things will go from here, because you've simultaneously shown how much potential James and Lily have, but also how much Lily is hurting in the aftermath of this and how much growing up James has to do.
Last thing! I also love some of your descriptions - they're so vivid and well-executed. I particularly love the line where James is talking about getting a feeling of power from catching and releasing the Snitch - we know from canon that he's not a Seeker, so he has no real reason to carry around a Snitch... except this. It's just a fun added piece of detail.
Anyways, loved this first chapter and am curious to see where the story goes from here! Feel free to come back and re-request!!
Thank you so so much for this lovely review! I have been having exams and I've been off my computer for a while so I couldn't reply earlier, I'm really sorry! This is such a great review! Thank you so much! I'm so glad you loved the characters we've already been introduced to in the Potter series. I wanted these character, James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter to take on the first chapter so as to not alienate readers by giving them an information download of whole set of new characters right off the bat.
For me personally, this break in the relationship between Lily and Snape has been coming for a long time and she's known it but not dared to acknowledge it. She understands that James wasn't the reason behind it but at the same time when her sadness breaks away to anger James is the only person she can blame and so she does. This is what I was hoping to translate onto the page, I hope that came through. Thank you again for understanding that twist about her character and her emotions.
I understand about the spacing issue, its part of transferring text from one media to the other, I've had to go back and correct a lot of spacing problems which I didnt have before but am experiencing now because of the transfer. I'll check on it Thanks!
Thank you so very much for liking the details that honestly spring to mind so haphazardly but I feel they are so natural I must find places to include them! Thanks for noticing and liking them! I do hope you wouldn't mind me requesting as I'd love to hear more about what you think this story feels like moving forward!
Thank you so much once again! I really appreciate it! xx
I was going to catch up with all the chapters before leaving a review but after this one I can't! I just needed to get it all written down straight away!
You have a wonderfully descriptive writing style that works beautifully. You've really captured all the wee moments (Friends hanging out, family dinners ect) that often get left out and it's gone a long way to making this feel real.
James is perfect! Possibly one of the hardest characters to capture and you've done him brilliantly. His relationships with Lily and witn the other mauraders are wonderful to read.
The boys are complete nerds which I love. It makes it more realistic that Jilly would have happened in the first place.
Ahhh I can't wait to read more! You've got me hooked.
Oh my Gosh! I love these reviews! They are like little gems and you can't help but feel exhilarated and happy when you read them! Thank you so much my dear! I truly hope you do write to tell me more if you continue to read for reviews like yours help me shape my stories and characters. Sometimes they bring a view I cannot see to my attention, sometimes they grasp mistakes that escape me, sometimes they wonder out loud and help me think of plots I couldn't yet imagine. I hope therefore that I get to hear more from you and how you like the story and it moves forward. Thank you for liking James, because he is as you say one of the hardest characters to get right and I'm so so incredibly thrilled that you liked him!
Thank you so much!
Hey!! I'm sorry it took me ages to get this to you! (Got a bit distracted by writing fic).
Yay! Chapter 3 though! Okay, I gotta make this comment: it always amuses me in media when redheads (or other people) say that pink will clash with red hair because (as someone with red hair) it's simply not true haha. Red heads look fantastic is pink. Anyway, time for some Jily moments!!!
Oh man, the joke that Sirius and James pull. That's and very classic thing for them to do. And Lily hovering in the background actually thinking that it was funny. Side note though? Wouldn't James and Sirus only be 16 at this point?
UM Lily and James going to Flouish and Blots together and shopping!!! My heart loves the cute!!! James helping Lily with her books!!! I am living for this. "I smile, genuinely. Might want to try it sometime." Wow. Savage, James, savage. UM Also, love that James is completely familiar with Flourish Blots. I love that because it shows that he's more than just a trouble maker. I love headcanons that also show the studious side of him too.
The wide-eyed looks that other students were giving them is a really nice touch. :p it shows how odd it is for James and Lily to be in public together haha. Also, I am just loving James in this chapter! He's so kind and smile-y. ._. I love it! And Lily's thoughts about James and how she was wrong with assuming certain things about him. I. Love. That.
Um.... Whyyyy???? James didn't accept Lily's apology and said that they couldn't be friends ☹.
The part with Lily and her family was just so canon. And also, really sad since Petunia was like actively calling Lily a freak in front of their parents. Which, probably happened in canon but it's still sad to think about that. Poor Lily.
A WILD JAMES IS SPOTTED. Aw he came back to apologize!!!! :D Kissing! Annnnd it's a dream. Ugh. I really liked that little sequence though. Also, Lily just dreamed about James. *eyes emoji*
I really liked this chapter. It was a nice combination of the plot with Lily and James and then fluff with James and his friends - which I loved. I love seeing James goofing around with the other marauders - it's always a favorite of mine. And I liked seeing Lily with her family, I hate Petunia though haha.
That ending though!!! Why does James want Lily to remember that he's why her friendship with Snape is ruined? For someone that desperately wants to be with Lily he sure is sabotaging that. I'm sure you have a good reason for this though :p
A great chapter as always <3
Oh my goodness! Maggie!
I'm so incredibly sorry I haven't responded sooner! Writing, reading and everything else has taken a backseat to real life chaos and drama :( Anyway on to the review! Of course, I LOVE IT!
Gah! Really? I have two red-head friends and they are both neurotic about not wearing pink! I figured it was a who redhead vs pink thing! Oops, my mistake!
I loved writing the part of them in Diagon Alley so I'm really glad you enjoyed that bit. I think you mean maybe the unrestricted use of magic? well yes, they are 16 but it is Diagon alley I'm guessing this is a bit of grey area when it comes to using magic. I'm not sure about that might have to refresh my memory.
I like to bring in the daily life moments as part of the soft beats of the story so it ties together better. I'm glad you think the family dinner at Lily's was very canonic! That's amazing, to be honest! Thank you.
I love writing James, he's extremely difficult to write but interesting too. I scratch out so many things and re-write them but I like the process of writing him and I'm incredibly thrilled you enjoyed the characterisation. There's so much about this chapter that's foreshadowing for future chapters so the confused apology is part of that. haha, I hope you get to understand it better as we go on.
Thank you so so much, Maggie, for writing such a lovely review! And I'm really sorry I couldn't get a reply out earlier! :(
Thank you again! so much love xx
Hello, Cali, my dear!
I'm finally here with your review, please, forgive me for the long wait...
I actually started typing this out yesterday, but then my pc decided to go out of power... *rolls eyes* Anyway, here I am!
I've loved this chapter so much! I loved the alternance of Lily and James' POVs, it was so nice to see things through both perspectives.
And I have to say, I truly, truly disliked Severus in this chapter. I mean, James is anything but perfect, and Lily has made her mistakes too, but she shouldn't feel guilty about what happened between her and Severus at all, it was all his making. How dared he use Legilimency on her? It's such an awful thing to do, it's literally a violence and he had no right, and he also had the guts to get angry at her because of what he saw in her mind?! I mean, seriously?! Even if there'd actually been something between her and James, he had no right to get angry at her, since they weren't in a relationship or anything. And especially he had no right to judge any feeling she might have had after treating her that way! Okay, maybe I got a bit too carried away about this... on a different note, I loved the way you wrote the Legilimens sequence. I must confess, I didn't realize immediately what was going on, but it was still rather effective, and I appreciated it even more when you explained what was actually happening. I loved the train of thought and Lily's train of thought about Sev. You could tell how much she cared for him (which makes me even more angry at Sev for the entire thing).
I loved seeing Sirius at the Potters, whichever flaws they might have, I love their friendship so much and I love the idea that Sirius found a family. The little details you added, about throwing grapes at the portrait, or the house elf scaring Sirius every morning, or the reactions to the OWLs results... it was all so heartwarming, I really loved it!
And I absolutely loved Alice (as in Alice Longbottom, I suppose?) She seems so sweet, but also so smart, and I loved her relationship with Lily (and her thoughts about James, too... she seems to have quite a good understanding of people in general... :P)
Oh, and apparently now Lily is going to confront James, and I totally want to see that confrontation, too. I wonder how that'll work out... :P I will try to come back soon!
There are probably tons of other things that I should say, but as I said I read this yesterday, so I might have forgotten a few details, plus it's getting quite late and I should really head to bed... but just know that I loved this chapter and that I think you did a really great job with it!
Much love, darling!
Chiara! My dearest! Thank you so much for this lovely review! I can't get over it! I'm so sorry it's taken me forever to reply *hides*
I'm so glad to hear from you and the review made me so so happy! Hating Severus during this part of the story is a popular opinion. I agree Snape is horrible for doing this but I just wanted to show the difference between him and Lily and even James. I feel like Severus would be the kind of person who would read people's mind without batting an eyelid while a lot of the others would have a similar reaction to yours. In my head, Lily is in this very vulnerable moment right now after the breakup and she's trying to justify things and yet not blame herself and still trying to soothe herself too. I think that's the kind of lost and incomplete feeling you get when you lose a friend you've had by your side for so long. And I wanted to show that.
Ah I'm so glad you like the Potter's. It's always been in my head that James came from wealth and Sirius walked away from his. And I wanted to put those things together and in the meantime show how completely comfortable they are together as if they were brothers. I truly believe that in OOTP movie, that one line "Nice one, James" by Sirius during the battle of the Department of mysteries is by far the greatest justice they did to the character in the movies. It showed in one small sentence the profound brotherly friendship Sirius had had with James and how much he'd missed it. I'm trying to incorporate that into the story in small ways. :) I'm so glad you like it!
Alice is one of my favourite secondary characters! I always thought of her as more of a big sister to Lily rather than being her classmate. I've seen many stories portray her them as classmates and they are equally wonderful I just feel in my head that they would have been a few years apart. I also think that Neville with his sweet humble nature takes after Alice. And such a girl is sure to have been loved and adored by Lily. So I can't tell you how thrilled I am you like her portrayal.
Thank you so much for the wonderful review Chiara! I love it and I really appreciate it xxxxCali :)
Hi, Cali, dear!
I know that I still owe you a review on chapter 2... I will get there as soon as I manage, promise... in the meantime I'm here transferring this from HPFF! ;)
Hello, there! Here with your requested review! :)
Oh, Lily... that's so not fair, you know? I mean, I can see your point, but it wasn't James' bullying that made Severus a Death Eater (or an aspiring one, since I suppose he isn't yet...)
Erm, anyway... I suppose I should review from the start and not from the end? :P
This was a great first chapter. I loved James' POV in it. I didn't realize immediately whose voice it was, actually, at first I thought it might have been Lily, dunno why, the thoughts about June's warmth made me think of her for some reason... I like that it was him, though.
And I also really liked the idea that he asked her out because he enjoyed unnerving her and that there wasn't any (conscious) love interest at the moment. I will confess, I am a supporter of lovestruck-since-the-very-beginning James, but I quite enjoy your interpretation as well and I honestly think that it might make more sense. And, well... maybe he doesn't know yet, but he definitely does like her already, does he not? :P
One other thing that I absolutely adored was your Remus. I have a special love for that boy and I absolutely loved this: "It was an inherent quality he had, he never argued but simply took all that was thrown at him. I never quite understood that part about him." It's such a perfect description of Remus and a perfect thought for James. And I do agree with McGonagall that he should have done something (my headcanon for this particular moment is that it was Remus who stopped them after Lily ran away... but I'm digressing...) and unlike James I completely understand his reaction.
James and Lily spending the night awake revising together was just the best thing! I so loved those two and I loved to see them getting along so well and the ways they teased each other a little and how James tried to be helpful and modest at the same time, and his thoughts about how different Lily was from what he thought he knew... it was all so sweet!
It was all so sweet the way James spent so much time fantasizing about her and their potential friendship during the exam, which is part of why Lily's response later made me so sad... James is far from perfect and he has a lot to make up for, of course, but the way Lily turned on him, especially after everything that happened between them the night before, was just cruel. Then, again, she's just lost her best friend and she's probably not thinking straight right now... I felt so sorry for James, though. But maybe he needed to hear all that, he needs to grow up, right?
I think this was a great first chapter, I really loved it! Maybe a tiny bit too long? But that's really my only "complaint". And it definitely makes you want to read on, just because you want to know what James' reaction will be and how their relationship will develop from there. (By the way, I'm not very good at keeping up with stories, so feel free to come back and re-request)
Thank you so much for calling me here!
Tons of love,
Thanks a million! You're amazing xx I'll transfer reply here too and thanks again I don't mind the wait xx
Oh my God Chiara! I love this review so much! Thank you so so much!
You have lifted my spirits so much, you don't even realise! Thank you, truly for being so nice!
I'm so glad you liked James's voice in this chapter. I purposely left it undeclared so people could feel him in his atmosphere and recognise the character. I often think we know quite a bit about James Potter in spite of him not being a major character in the series that getting his characterization right is very difficult. At least that's my personal opinion. So I'm absolutely thrilled to see that my take on James was likeable and enjoyable :D
Ah Remus! I have a special soft spot for him too and always have since we were introduced to him as a withered adult with a lovable personality. I think Remus was one of those characters who managed to charm every reader into liking him and rooting for him. I feel he's been the balance to James and Sirius's craziness over the years. I'm so glad that you liked my characterization of him and I hope to bring him to centre stage soon.
I'm truly happy that you liked the all-nighter James/Lily scene. I had so much fun writing it, but I has to be careful to get a realistic balance between them. I think of Lily as a hard-working studious girl and James as a born-bright talented fellow. It felt natural to me that these two had more history than their memorable OOTP scene by the lake and the arguments and disagreements that surely did happen. So I wanted to explore that. I'm really glad you like it :) :)
I do understand the reaction to Lily's cold and harsh comments. I just think she was a bit heartbroken and coming to the realisation that she and Snape were never going to be the same, that it wouldn't mend itself like it had so many time. But you'll (hopefully) see that she comes to have a change of heart later on...
I'm really really happy that you like the chapter! Yes I know it's quite long, that has always been my problem. I'm very descriptive :/ Anyways this was such a wonderful review! I love all of your comments and I'm so so thrilled that you enjoyed it! I will absolutely be re-requesting again!
Thanks a million xx
Hello! *hugs* I am back for chapter 2!!
Aw, the beginning of this is so bittersweet. I always feel like I have such a love hate relationship with Snape's character? Like I like him and feel bad for him, but at the same time he was discriminating against muggleborns and things like that - and there's never an excuse for that. You can definitely tell that Lily is hurt by the fact that she and Snape are drifting apart - and that Snape is making friends with people like Mulciber and Evan Rosier.
The ensuing conversation between them was so sad, but also so accurate to canon that it probably is canon. That part where Lily says, "Sev I'm done pulling you back every time you get too blinded to see where you're heading. I'm tired." Ow, pain.
I really like how you wrote Lily's flashbacks!
The first two memories were really cute, since they were still friends. I really liked that Severus was defending Lily against her sister. It just really shows how much he cares about her - which hurts when you think about the fact that they're friendship is going to end. (But on the bright side, Jily will happen, so... ^_^)
I really liked this next part where the marauders were bullying Snape, if only because we see them being awful. We know it's canon, but we only see the evidence that one time. It did slightly irk me though that Snape was rude to Lily about it - but at the same time I can see why he would have. It can make you feel weaker if you have to be saved by someone else. So, I can see why he would have reacted the way that he did.
The little snapshots with the memories of Snape and Lily drifting apart were sad. (Also, I think it's annoying of Snape to accuse her of being a "turncoat" because, I mean, Gryffindor is her house. Why wouldn't she celebrate a Gryffindor Quidditch victory? Even if it was against Slytherin. It's not as if Snape is on the Slytherin team (is he?). And then she was crying herself to sleep. ☹
Oh, I just realized that Snape was using Occulmency on Lily. Okay, this really makes me mad on Lily's behalf. I kind of have feelings about Occulmency in that it's an invasion of privacy. Those are Lily's thoughts and Snape shouldn't be forcing them from her mind. This makes me really mad actually, and pretty much takes away ANY sympathy I would have had for Snape because I just find that completely out of line...
Ohhh, but I do like the thoughts that Lily has about James!!! ~Because Jily~ I'm so ready for them to be together! (Have I mentioned that I love them? Haha) I am very much getting mad at Snape now, he has not right to treat Lily like this. And he called her a Mudblood!!!
Now I'm just sad for Lily because she's lost a friend. I think she was right in ending her friendship with Snape, because of the way he was treating her - but now she doesn't have a friend. Also, the internal struggle that Lily is having, feeling the guilt because of what she said to James at the end of the previous chapter and also thinking she'd no better than what she accused James of being like.
I really like how you've portrayed Lily so far. It all seems incredibly in canon character to me. With the concerns that she's having as well as the ways that she's reacting to everything. Also, the way that she interacts with Petunia is very accurate.
Ooooh!! We get James' POV too! I mean, I've told you before that I very much like your James Potter and this still holds true. Honestly, the dream that James was having is probably the most James thing ever? Like he was dreaming about falling off of a speeding broom haha.
OMG. James choking on his juice because he's laughing at Sirius being startled by Tibbs is hilarious. Also, I love Tibbs and I hope we see more of Tibbs. I like that you've made the effort to point out that James is nice to Tibbs - because honestly James not being nice to Tibbs would be so ooc.
I really liked the scene with them looking at their OWL scores because of the cute little family moment that happened. I love cute family moments, they're always my favorite. And I'm glad that James got an outstanding in potions - I love the idea of his being just as good at potions as Lily is. And of course, James getting an O in defense, because I mean that probably runs in the Potter family.
ALSO, I'm hoping there are some cute family moments in the future between James' parents and Sirisu???? I did also really like the brotherly type of bonding that we saw between James and Sirius with James reassuring Sirius that it wouldn't matter if Sirius failed Astronomy because it doesn't matter what his family thinks.
So, you asked if I liked James' in his home environment. I think I probably covered how I felt about that, but just in case I didn't: I thought it was really good. I liked what we saw of James' relationship with his parents and I'm hoping to see more of it in later chapters! And perhaps maybe the rest of the marauders interacting with James' family??? Like I said, I love family interactions - they always make me feel so warm and fuzzy! ^_^
Lily again!!! I definitely love, love, love, the relationship that you've built for Lily and Alice (future Longbottom, yes?) I see a lot that Lily and Alice are friends in the same year, and while I love them being friends, I really love the spin you've put on it by making Alice an older sister type of role model figure for Lily.
Made me sad to see that Lily blamed herself for the way that Snape was treating her and I'm glad that Alice pointed out to her that it was absolutely not her fault that Snape called her a mudblood. Besides, she was just trying to help me ☹ he shouldn't have been mean to her when she was just trying to help him.
Also, Lily is going to apologize to James!! Yay!!!!! I am so ready to see more Jily moments. ^_^ I liked seeing her thoughts about that night where she and James studied together because she liked it!!! And she admitted that James was being sweet and nice to her!
And JAMES IS RIGHT OUTSIDE OF THE WINDOW!!! I laughed so hard at that part. Oh man, I can already tell that the next part is going to be funny??? But also, probably awkward. Wow, I'm so ready for the ensuing Jily scene. *cough* have I mentioned that I love them?
I don't really think you need to work on anything in particular. I love your fic and your writing :D The only comment I really have is maybe don't split POV in a single chapter? That also might be a personal preference of mine which you are free to ignore, since James' POV in the middle didn't bother. I think it worked fine since you clearly marked the POV change to avoid confusion. I did like seeing James in this chapter though, so actually you should just ignore me.
Another lovely chapter!!! *hugs*
Oh my goodness! Maggie! This is almost an entire chapter in itself! AHHH!
Oh my Gosh I love you so much for writing every detail you loved about the chapter! This is so amazing! Thank you so so so much! And aww you broke the character limit ! AWW my heart!
I'm thrilled that you liked Lily especially since I was over the moon that you liked James. If anything Lily is done so often I feel so much of her personality is considered cliche and I didn't want my Lily to fall into that. I wanted to have her own authentic voice and yet remain faithful to the canon characteristics of Lily Evans from the books. I've written Lily to be this girl who always had Snape by her side and even when things got rough he still held onto her. She's always made excuses for him and defended him even when things were crossing several lines and until now she's never regretted it. Now she's come agaisnt this hurdle she cant cross while holding his hand because he's changed and she feels like she lost so much more of herself along with Snape than just his friendship. I wonder if all that got translated into the chapter but that's how I wanted to portray it. It has to be very difficult letting go of someone you've known for so long...
I'm so glad you like the memories. I do see your point with Snape and yes it is a serious issue and Lily should be more mad than she is, but she's trusted him for so long and he's known the ins and outs of her life I think she was more worried about what he interpreted and what he'd do rather than his immediate actions. It's one of the flaws of Lily's character I like in this version of her which is that she always retracts blame to herself and keeps trying to hold on to Snape who is much like this wild thing that keeps trying to escape her and run to the darkness. She's scared of what would happen to him if she weren't there to reel him back and I think in the process she stops being reasonable when forgiving his actions.
I love James's family environment. I wanted to originally expand more on the home front and write more about thier family moments but JKR had not released too much info about James's parents then but there were rumours that she would be soon so the part of me that wanted to keep the story as canon complaint as possible won out. :P There will be more yes, and I have planned to write them into the chapters yet to come.
Aww, I love that you love Alice (Yes, future Mrs Longbottom to be). I've read so many fics where they are in the same year or at least one year apart but somehow my headcanon was always that they were several years apart and had this unlikely friendship because of all the common ground they had being studious, quiet reclusives who took solace at the library too often :) I love that Lily considers Alice her big sister because I mean she feel such a horrible void after Tuney just refused to acknowlege Lily as her sister. I think it's natural to want to fill it with someone who is kind to you. And I think its natural for Alice to dote on Lily who looks up to her. I'm so glad you like their relationship! <3 <3
Ah yes! Hahaha I was very excited to write this sort of cliff-hanger into the chapter which is why I needed to go back to Lily's POV. Defintiely a lot of fun and awkwardness coming up on the next chapter yes so i hope you dont mine my re-requesting :P I so love your reviews and they are so long and oh my god they are such a treat to wake up to!
Thank you so so much for these wonderful reviews you are making my entire week! I hope you have a wonderful break and again thank you so much for posting on both forums! I will post the reply there too!
So much love, hugs and kisses! xxxx
Hey! I noticed that you'd brought this over here so I thought I'd tranfer my review over from HPFF for you before I started Chapter 2 ^_^
First things first. Sorry I took longer than I wanted to review this! I ended up not having the time. Also Jily is one of my top otps! For starters, I love this so far. I think you handle first person nicely and I like how you’ve characterized James.
I’m really loving this so far. First off, you have nailed James’ characterization. He’s just perfect. It’s so like him to be wishing he was outside rather than inside taking the OWLs and to also thinking that they test questions are extremely easy. Also, James scanning the Great Hall to find Lily and thinking of ways to rile her up. Love that.
I really like the take on that scene from Ootp! Especially seeing all of it from James’ point of view. One thing that I really liked about it was James’ being concerned about Peter being stung by what Sirius said. One thing that always bothered me (and obviously this scene is from Snape’s point of view originally) is that it always looked like James and Sirius were horrible friends to Peter (and that comes across in fic sometimes), but I like that you have James concerned because I don’t think that James and Sirius would have been horrible to Peter.
And now the bullying of Snape. I’m glad that James got into trouble for that. Too often in the books the bullying gets left unpunished (although, from my experience that is sadly very realistic on Jo’s part so…), but it was nice that James got into trouble for that. Knock him down a peg haha.
I really liked this next part; it shows the development of James’ character and how he starts to grow up. I like that he feels remorse for the bullying, but then it’s also still in character with him immediately arguing with himself and justifying his actions. And then the ensuing interaction between James and Lily :^)
“I want to blame you Potter, I do… but maybe for the first time, it’s not your fault.”
I really like this particular line of dialogue because it feels like the beginning of Jily to me!! And then Lily offering to help James study and revise for the next day because she knew James had detention and didn’t have time to revise.
The end just did a one eighty! Here I am being all like “ah yes! Jily being friends!” Then BAM! You have Lily blaming James and saying that if James didn’t exist then Snape would still be her friend. Um? Excuse you?? Rude. But also, it’s very in character, I think, for Lily to act like this (as much as I would like for them to be friends. Alas, the ending you have for this chapter makes perfect sense).
Overall, I think this is a fantastic start to your fic! It flows well, and the characters are in character, so kudos to you!
Hey Maggie! Thank you so much for transferring the review! And I loved it so much!
Goodness! This is so much love I can't handle it! I love love love that you think James' voice was well characterized! It's hard trying to do a fresh perspective of a canon character who people love.
In spite of not knowing James for a lot of the series he is a pretty well-known character and people have a general idea about his looks and mannerisms and a wide consensus on how he'd behave. I want to do that canon part justice and still make him feel unique. SO I'm thrilled that you liked his voice and his characterization.
First person is again hard to handle but I've always been drawn to write in first person, perhaps because I like to immerse myself in a character's world and walk in their shoes when I read.
I personally feel that the Lily James OOTP moment was an isolated moment and not their entire life story. Nobody passionately hates someone for no reason. I think James and Lily had their fair few squabbles and a good heated argument or two but I think they had a lot more than that too, this is what I want to bring to this story.
I'm sorry about the one-eighty! Hahaha.
Rude indeed, but I couldn't have them getting together right after their famed 'big argument' scene, at least not permanently. Thank you so so much for reading this chapter and giving me your opinions!
I hope you dont mind if I re-request for the next chapter? I promise things will twist :P
Thank you once again! much love,
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I'm loving your characterisation of James. I find him very entertaining to read, and pretty perfect too. I can see him so clearly in that exam room, bored as hell, lounging in his seat :P and of course, always thinking of Lily and ways he can provoke her!
Also, I especially love reading this particular scene from a different perspective. It was kind of satisfying to see James get in trouble for what he did. Not that it probably had much effect, but you know...
Also, how did James ever graduate, hahaha.
Aw, James is beginning to see the extent the effects of his actions have. It was really the only way he was capable of change, I think.
YES. YES. They can get along if they actually try! Aw, this is so nice! It's also so satisfying to see them learning things about the other that change their opinions. I live for these fics, I tell ya...
Oh, no. Never mind. Man, that did not end the way I thought it would! Now I'm wondering how you're going to patch them up, and have James change his ways.
I really enjoyed this! I think it's a fantastic opening chapter. The characters seem perfect, and even though it follows canon, it still leaves me wanting more, which is awesome. I can't tell that you edited it as much as you say you did. It all runs smoothly to me :) Hope this helped! ♥
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Ah! You like my James! Oh you have no idea what that means to me! Truly!
James is canon and we've seen him behave and speak in canon so it takes away a lot of liberties a writer has with his character and yet we still have to make him appear fresh and exciting! That's why i put him back where we remember him so vividly to see if my headcanon version of him blended in well enough with the canon stuff we already know.
I'm so so glad you liked him.
Haha I sense you are slightly disappointed in the turn of events but I assure you it will pick up again in the upcoming chapters! And on that note I hope you don't mind if I rerequest?? :)
Thank you so very much for the lovely words!
"If you didn't exist, he'd still be my friend."
Oh, ouch, Lily, you say those words to James after you two had such a precious time before OWL tests preparing? It hurts heavily.
(oops, I should've done greeting first, so...)
Hi, I stopped by from the forums, Gryffindor Review Tag. I'd like to say thank you first for reviving the thread. I've been proud of myself for having a chance to be trained how to review fellow authors' works there.
Wa...you write a story from James Potter's POV. It's new and great to know it. I really enjoyed this chapter. The scene started from the well-known spot among HP fans, the bulling Severus Snape scene. I think I have read the same scene from the other Marauder's or Lily's POV, but I've never from the first person's and James Potter's POV. One of the awesome things is the part about OWL questions. Nobody has tried the detailed questions about the test!
And the dialogues between Marauders are marvelous, about Lupin and werewolf-related questions!
At least, me, never read such an interesting plot. Yeah, right, the students in the fifth year must have worried how the test would go or might have hated its existence from the start. You described James Potter's honest emotional movement very well, not from Snape's POV, not from Lily's, it's a kind of relief, 'cause we know J.K.Rowling gave us and Harry himself, James Potter had done a horrible thing to Severus Snape, actually, he bullied Snape in public. Any reasons never allow bully, I know, but you built up the situations which might cause the incident very carefully. Many kudos on that.
And Lily's emotional up and down is impressively well written, I like it. Though we can't hear what Severus said to her, we can imagine how hard for Lily to say farewell forever to him since their bond before Hogwarts was so intense.
Ah, one more! It's brilliant you thought of McGonagall's intervention at that scene. It's a likely happening like you wrote! An excellent job with that, too!
p.s. I love the scene, James and the Golden Snitch, how his future son will love it...
Thank you so much for the lovley words :) Much appreciated! I'm glad you like my take on James. xx