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Reviews For Golden Girl

Name: MrsDarcy (Signed) · Date: 18 Jan 2019 11:18 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Four

 

I absolutely loved Vanessa and Al here! Their interaction was very cute. Al caressing her wrist and Vanessa being unsure of whether she imagined it – love it! Feels.

 

I’ve also looked forward to Scorp and Vanessa – Scorp acting out when she won’t give him his study-drugs is super realistic and I like that she’s conflicted about it all. And oh no, Vanessa slipping that he’s got a drug problem! I think the guilt she’s feeling afterwards runs deeper than that, perhaps even all the way to her broken family, since she calls herself ‘broken’. Either way, I don’t suspect it will make her popular in neither Scorp’s nor Al’s eyes. We’ll see.

 

Wow, her friends doing drugs as well? Didn’t really see that coming. I think it’s super cool of you to deal with drug issues at Hogwarts, something I haven’t read about before, but which is super relevant.

 

Also, I really think you’re great at writing about Quidditch – you pack a lot of action into little space, which I very much enjoy. Overall, I think your writing was top-notch in this chapter and it’s my favorite this far. I really hope the next will take place at the Halloween party – I can’t wait :)

 

- Beth 



Name: MrsDarcy (Signed) · Date: 18 Jan 2019 08:37 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Three

Hi again

 

I definitely get the feeling that Vanessa is only so offended by Al mistrusting her in the last chapter because she may have some undiscovered feelings for him. Also the fact that she notices his eyelashes and sparkling eyes - I’m onto her ;)

 

I think the Quidditch tryout was really well written, with the wind and muddy shoes. I really like that she spoke up for Em, especially if it’s true they have a bias against women. And I completely agree – she might not have been as skilled as the others, but being a team player is rather important in a team play. I also think Al choosing her shows he respects Vanessa’s opinion a lot more than the other players do. I just really loved this scene.

 

Overall, I really like the way Vanessa’s character is developing. That Em’s smile ‘made it all worth it’ shows she’s very empathetic, even if she’s not exactly a goody girl.

 

I’d really love to get to know Al better and I hope we’ll see even more of him soon, maybe just with the two of them? I’m looking forward to that at least.

 

- Beth 



Name: MrsDarcy (Signed) · Date: 18 Jan 2019 07:55 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Two

Just continuing my reviewing :) 

 

Alright, so I get the feeling Vanessa isn’t a complete goody girl, which I really like. She’s a bit snarky and definitely not a push-over.

 

I find her relationship with Toby very realistic in a ‘teen love’ sort of way, and I slightly wonder how long they’ve been together. Either way, Vanessa’s definitely very into him – although maybe not for the right reasons (just speculations here).

 

I’m still shocked Neville’s a tyrant teacher. I think this is a really interesting choice, since I’ve always imagined Neville as the soft teacher who would maybe have trouble controlling his class – the pupils playing jokes on him ect. But I like that you make him this way, it’s very unexpected.

 

Oh, really liked the introduction to Margot – will they form a friendship? I hope so.

 

It’s clear that Vanessa’s best subject is potions – I really hope there’ll be more about her being Scorp’s ‘dealer’. Is laxative potion a study drug? I tried to look it up, but couldn’t find any information on it. I don’t know why I’m so interested in this plotline, I suppose I haven’t seen it before.

 

Overall, this was a great chapter, and I hope to see more Al interactions xx

 

- Beth 



Name: MrsDarcy (Signed) · Date: 18 Jan 2019 02:32 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

Hi Rhi, another review for you

 

First of, I like the way you introduce the characters without too much details and explanations. That way it feels very natural. I liked Ely a lot and her banter with Vanessa – also the way the girls mock her accent – it’s a great way to establish their friendship!

 

Absolutely loved the cheshire cat simile! Alice in Wonderland is one of my favorite books and I love when writers make creative similes like these – on a side note, it would be awesome if the Cheshire Cat was real in the Wizarding World, hmm. Also I’m digging the few british slang words you throw in here – more of that please :D

 

I assume Quidditch will be a way for Vanessa and Al to connect - they seem to be somewhat friends right now, although they might just be teammates. I’m really looking forward to seeing how their relationship will develop, also since Vanessa already has a boyfriend.

 

Oh wow, first I thought Vanessa was tutoring Scorp or writing his homework – turns out it’s study drugs. Didn’t see that coming and I’m definitely intrigued by this – both in terms of Vanessa’s character and Scorp’s character. This really makes me want to know why Vanessa is the ‘dealer’ – is she good at potions? Guess I’ll have to wait and see!

 

Neville being a tyrant/harsh teacher? My mind is blown! I think you really make some interesting and original choices here.

 

Overall, I’m very intrigued by this group of characters - Great job x 

 

-   -  - Beth



Name: MrsDarcy (Signed) · Date: 18 Jan 2019 01:35 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hi Rhi

 

Wow, this was an intense prologue - I really think Vanessa had a rough deal in the family department. I wonder what happened to her mum -  her dad seems like a complicated character, which I'm really digging.

 

Now that she's going to Hogwarts, I wonder whether she'll fit in - somehow I get the feeling she'll stick out from the crowd. I think you set the scene perfectly with lots of interesting backstory. This is my first Al/OC read, so I'm really looking forward to seeing both who Vanessa is as a character, as well as your interpretation of Albus.

 

Really great job with this prologue!

 

- Beth 



Name: starbuck (Signed) · Date: 14 Jan 2019 10:08 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Four

you know, i'm starting to think (notice?) that albus definitely feels something for vanessa - the way he worries about her, the way he touches her, even if he does try to hide it (or maybe he doesn't realise it yet?)


i do feel bad for scorpius, actually i pity him because addiction is a very serious problem (and i'm honestly impressed by the way you decided to tackle that particularly hard theme). vanessa told al and that's going to have some (bad?) consequences (which i can't wait to see!).


i feel like we still don't really know vanessa - we know who she is in terms of the short background we got in the prologue but other than that she seems extremely guarded, not letting anyone know her. she never thinks about her family (dad?) and i'm seriously intrigued by that. she also brews (supposedly illegal?) potions and i have to wonder where and why she learned that, how it started!


i'm looking forward to the next chapter!


kris    



Name: starbuck (Signed) · Date: 13 Jan 2019 06:07 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Three

the sort of feminist vibe in this chapter made me smile and at the same time made me really annoyed with the boys in the team. i'm glad albus listened to vanessa (or did he come to the same conclusion as her? because he totally burned the complainers who didn't get picked for the team - i adore this version of al!)

the little bits about how vanessa is starting to notice albus more were sweet and not overdone - she didn't just randomly realise 'oh merlin albus is my soulmate' (i'm exaggerating a bit :P), their interaction is developing slowly and they're not completely comfortable with one another which is, to be honest, just grounds for more vanessa/al interaction in my opinion.

the winner for the most comforting line in the whole chapter definitely goes to scorpius! i loved his line about the entitled... :D and i think it's obvious that em was a good pick if she's willing to work that hard on improving (and yep, being a team player is the most important thing in any team sport so em all the way!)

kris



Name: starbuck (Signed) · Date: 13 Jan 2019 05:35 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Two

i love vanessa's character! she's so deliciously snarky and sarcastic and a bit manipulative - the perfect slytherin. i don't even blame her for flaunting her relationship in front of the blonde hufflepuff girl because it seemed like toby's eyes were starting to wander? i can't decide whether i like toby and vanessa together or not - he's cool in a jokey sort of way but somehow, to me, he doesn't seem to be on the same frequency as vanessa (not sure if that's the right term but for me they're maybe too different? i definitely like albus more even though we haven't really seen that much of him :P)

there seems to be some history between vanessa and grace delaney? or is it purely general mutual dislike? as for neville - i actually like how you haven't made him into a permissive, out of sorts teacher because he definitely grew throughout the books and it makes sense that he would take his role as a teacher seriously.

looking forward to the quidditch trials and more interaction between al and vanessa!

i really liked this chapter even though nothing much happened in terms of plot but it served a good role in setting up the characters and their relationships.

kris



Name: starbuck (Signed) · Date: 13 Jan 2019 04:25 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

oooh, there's so much going on in this chapter rhi! i'm really excited to see how vanessa fits in with the hogwarts crowd and it's awesome that she's a slytherin - there aren't that many stories featuring slytherins, or well, stories from their point of view!

i love the gang of girls you've created, they seem to get along, but then again they're all slytherins and there are some obvious tensions between them, which i think is quite realistic and always fun to read.

is vanessa's father still in australia? i would think so because i'm not sure with whom she would spend her summers there, surely not her mother?

the slytherin quidditch team seems appropriately enthusiastic about the cup - i feel bad for them that they lost it so many times, being so close. it actually reminds me of the tough luck the gryffindors had back before prisoner of azkaban, so i'm definitely rooting for them to finally get that thing!

vanessa is dealing potions and elixirs - i must say i was surprised by this just because i'm not sure if she remembers her mother and how she used to give vanessa firewhiskey...idk, it just seems like she would maybe be hesitant about it all, but if there's profit in it...it's definitely an interesting storyline and i'm looking forward to see it unfold!

kris



Name: lovegood27 (Signed) · Date: 13 Jan 2019 01:08 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Two

Hi, I’m back for another chapter :D

 

First paragraph in. I relate so much to Vanessa, to be honest. But what are friends for if they don’t make you share their pain with them?

 

Ooh, our girl’s got a boyfriend! Toby? I’m guessing they’ll probably break up anyway, since this is Albus/OC.

 

...flaunting your relationship much? I feel a bit bad for the blonde girl, but maybe it’s too early to judge.

 

Hmm, she seems a bit moody but I guess I would be too early in the morning on the first day back at school.

 

Oh, she’s a Slytherin! I haven’t read many Slytherin OC fics, especially in next gen, so this should be interesting. Neville seems a bit strict, idk? Is he prejudiced or something?

 

If only all classes could be as quick as that Herbogy lesson haha. Hmm...I wonder what’s happened between her and Delaney?

 

Gosh, that’s a pretty rubbish first day back (although I think Vanessa is more than partly to blame). I can just feel you building the tension as her mood gets worse and worse.

 

Generally, I like to reserve judgement for characters so I don’t end up hating them before I even know the full story. Okay, hate is a strong word, I just...mildly dislike Vanessa so far. She’s had a rough childhood, I know from the prologue, but all the same she seems a bit...stuck up? Quick tempered? She definitely seems pretty complex, so I’m looking forward to seeing how you’ll develop her character. Also curious about her friendship with Scorpius and Albus, I’m assuming they’re in Slytherin like her. Anyway, good work on this chapter, I’ll probably be back for more soon :)



Name: lovegood27 (Signed) · Date: 13 Jan 2019 12:48 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hello! I’m here for Magical Menagerie- but Albus/OC has always been a weakness of mine ;)

 

This was a very interesting prologue to the story. I think you’ve done a really good job of getting the reader properly interested and introducing the characters. I feel so bad for Vanessa! Having to grow up in brothel and then get taken away from her mum, who doesn’t even want her, as far as we know. I’m curious about her relationship with her dad! I suppose it will probably come later on in the story, but I want to see some of their experiences together that explain how she gradually warmed up to him. Their first interaction wasn’t exactly...smooth, but he does seem to care for her so that’s good. 

 

Her mum, though! She really doesn’t know how to properly bring up her child, does she? I mean- Firewhiskey?! The sad thing is that this situation wouldn’t be out of place in the real world. Your last line describing her, ‘standing helplessly’ does make me feel a bit sorry for her. But she mentions ‘making Mark pay’? Seems like Vanessa’s dad’s made more than one enemy for himself :|

 

I enjoyed reading this so far, and look forward to more :)

 

 

 



Name: starbuck (Signed) · Date: 29 Dec 2018 04:15 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

hey rhi! i'm here to spread some holiday cheer :)

 

this was a very intense and intriguing first chapter/prologue. vanessa had a really rough childhood and to be honest, for now, neither of her parents seem to me as if they're truly capable of parenting. but i'm optimistic regarding her father since i first assumed he was on the run from the ministry, when in reality he's on the run from death eaters. i do wonder how they're going to handle that when they go back to england :o

 

i'm excited to see how vanessa fits in at hogwarts and especially how people react to her dad - i assume he was (is?) well known there?

 

i'll definitely come back and read more of your story!

 

kris :)



Author's Response:

Hey there Kris! Thanks for the lovely review. Vanessa definitely hasn't had an easy start to life. I think it's going to be interesting to see how such a traumatic event will impact her in later life. I guess we will find out, won't we?

 

Thanks again for the read and review.

 

Rhi :)



Name: ShadowRose (Signed) · Date: 19 Dec 2018 04:39 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hi Rhi! I’m coming by with a little review on this story as a way of spreading a little holiday cheer!

 

This is certainly an intense beginning to the story - Vanessa has certainly had a rough childhood, which I’m assuming will come into play later on in the story. Her mother’s certainly not doing a great job of raising her - giving a child firewhisky to make her sleep is awful - but at the start of this, her father doesn’t seem too promising either. I mean, he was completely gone for the first 4 years of her life, and he’s definitely got a bit of an anger problem (not to mention the whole ex-Death Eater thing). That is to say, I don’t think either of them are going to be winning any parenting awards anytime soon.

 

At the same time, it seems like taking Vanessa from her mother’s house was definitely the right move - and her father has certainly redeemed himself from that very first scene. He’s already such a complex character within this first chapter, because we see his most aggressive and callous moments at the start of this, but he’s also clearly someone who has become important to Vanessa by the end of the chapter. Not to mention that he turned on Voldemort at the last minute, which is incredibly interesting. I have to wonder - is he a canon-mentioned Death Eater or someone else? I suppose I’ll find out soon enough.

 

I really liked this last line - “Of course, it wasn’t easy for my dad. Either way he lost. He lost the country he loved, or he lost me. He chose me.”

 

This was a really interesting start to the story - I feel like I’ve gotten a really clear vision of Vanessa’s life experiences leading  up to Hogwarts, and I’m intrigued as to how they impact her experience at school.

 

-Taylor



Author's Response:

Howdy Taylor! Thank you so much for leaving a positive review. I am definitely feeling some holiday love right now <3 I hope you enjoyed it and continue to read on. Thanks again!

 

Rhi :)



Name: MalfoysAngel (Signed) · Date: 12 Dec 2018 01:31 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hi Rhi! 

Just stopping in to leave a review for EvS so don’t mind me. (I’m on my iPad so forgive me if the format is off in anyway.) I’m also absolute rubbish at leaving long winded reviews so I’m going to keep this short and sweet. 

So first of all, I love how this story starts. It’s an interesting way to start s story with a dad showing up out of nowhere and removing a child from an unstable/unsafe situation. I really liked how you have Marcus being cast as an ex-Death Eater and I’m curious to see how that will play out once they arrive in England and Vanessa starts school.  This is a great start and I can’t wait to see what you have in store for Vanessa and Marcus. I’m also curious to see what role Abigail will play in the future (if any). 

Peace, Love, and Tacos

Tasha

Author's Response:

Hey Tasha, thanks so much for the rea and leaving a positive review!

 

Rhi :)



Name: MegGonagall (Signed) · Date: 12 Dec 2018 02:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hi there! Here for Team Silver! 

 

Wow that was a heavy beginning. I can’t imagine how scary that would have been for a small child. Living in an environment like that, and being force fed alcohol to sleep. Sadly, situations like that do exist in the real world, however. Poor kid. :( And then to have some strange man, who she doesn’t believe is her father, come take her while she’s in that state must have been traumatizing. But, regardless if her father was an ex Death Eater, it seems she’d be better off. 

 

I was happy to see that she was indeed better off. And that she and her father ended up with a decent relationship. To the point where he left the place he fell in love with, and a women he had fallen in love with. I’m interested to see what happens now that they’re back in England. I hope nothing happens to her father, since he’s the only family she really knows. :( 

 

This was an interesting start. It definitely has me wondering what’s going to happen going forward. I’ll have to stop back and continue on! 

 

Thanks so much for sharing! 

-Meg 



Author's Response:

Hey Meg, thank you so much for the read and review!



Name: adorably cute (Signed) · Date: 04 Dec 2018 05:44 AM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

Hi there! Here to spread some holiday cheer with a review!

 

I read this chapter and the prologue and I AM SO CURIOUS! I love Vanessa's backstory! I have to imagine that growing up with her mother being the way she was definitely had an effect on her, and then spending a few years after that travelling around Australia with her father as he casually found work where he could, also played a big part! I think it's a neat back story that her dad was a Death Eater who flipped sides toward the end and that's how they ended up in Australia!

 

But now she's back to go to Hogwarts and I thought this was a great introduction to her life and friends there! This Slytherin crew seems like a fun bunch but do they all have secrets like Vanessa and Scorpius do? How long has she been dealing potions for? Does she deal them to everyone or just her friends? I'm very curious about this storyline, it's intriguing to me!

 

Gabby and Ely have lots of sass and I love them right now. The two of them and Vanessa are a great little trio and the rest of the group is fun too! It'll be exciting to see more interactions with all of them. It's clear they're good friends and get along, but there's some definite snark between a few of them.

 

I loved the Quidditch talk with the boys once they arrived. They've got their eyes set on the Cup this year and it's awesome! I'm curious what's going to happen with that! I'm very curious about Toby the Hufflepuff and what's going on between him and Vanessa, so that'll be another fun thing to keep reading about! Great prologue and first chapter! Looking forward to reading more

-Sarah



Author's Response:

Hey there Sarah! Thank you so much for the read and review. I am definitely feeling the holiday love <3

 

I'm glad that you enjoyed it. I'd love to delve in and give you some spoilers for the future, but that would just ruin it for you, wouldn't it? You'll have to read on to find out ;) haha. Thanks again for the love.

 

Rhi :)

 



Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 22 Oct 2018 07:45 PM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Two

Great first day... :/

I'm surprised by Neville being so strict, I've always imagined him to be very nice and permissive... but of course different interpretations are what makes fanfiction interesting, right? :P

Toby is such a jokester... and I kind of see already how he and Vanessa can't really work together? She doesn't have patience for a character like his and viceversa he needs someone more relaxed... but maybe it's just my impression...

Ely is so moody... and I'm curious about Astrid and what problems she might have, if any. I do like Gabby, she's my favourite so far (I'm not sure if it's only because I'm perceiving things from Vanessa's perspective. Maybe all my opinions are extremely biased because of that. But Gabby seems to be nice and judicious, which I feel doesn't hurt in that group).

I found Margot to be quite nice as well. It's strange to see a Gryffindor and a Slytherin tolerating each other so well, but I guess it's just a different time period.

Okay, I'm not sure how useful these reviews have been (I guess very little...) Anyway, thank you for requesting, I had fun reading your story so far. ;)

Lots of love,

Chiara



Author's Response:

 

Hey there Chiara! Your reviews have been super helpful.

 

I love hearing feedback on how my characters are received so I really appreciate your comments on everyone :)

I agree with you, Gabby is my favourite too.  Though she isn't without her troubles as well, but we'll get into that a bit later, haha. Margot is also a hidden gem of mine too, I love her some much. I feel as though her and Vanessa recognise some similar traits in each other, and there's a certain amount of respect there.

 

As for Neville, you said you don't see him as a tyrant teacher. I can see how it might seem a little out of character considering what we know of him. I just imagine him coming into his own even more as he's gotten older and especially with becoming a teacher as well. There is normal everyday friendly Neville, and then there is Prof. Longbottom with his 'teacher voice'.

 

As for everything else? All shall be revealed. Eventually...

 

 

Rhi :)

 



Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 22 Oct 2018 06:45 PM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

Hi, here with the second review from your request. I would have left it yesterday, but the battery of my laptop died, so... anyway, I'm here now.

You have quite a big cast here... I'm really curious to get to know all the girls and see how their personalities differ and how their relationships work. You do a nice job introducing them already in this crowded trip to Hogwarts. I'm actually quite impressed that you managed to create so many OCs.

I also really enjoyed the boys. :) Typical Albus, being so focused on beating all his Gryffindor relatives. I really loved the little reference to James... I live for siblings' rivalry! :D

I don't really like this potions' commerce? (I don't know how to define it...) Vanessa, that's kind of naughty? But yeah, I know, they are Slytherins and they are sixteen... I just like to play the part of the scolding mother, it's just how I function...

I really can't imagine Neville as a "tyrant" teacher? And Sprout as Headmistress... this is new to me but I enjoy it! :D

One thing I almost forgot to mention yesterday... she can see Thestrals? Why? How? I suppose that's something you'll deal with later...

And a Hufflepuff boyfriend... I think there's something really interesting in the dynamic of a romantic relationship between a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff... even if I'm going to bet that this relationship won't last too long? You did list this story as a Albus/OC so I kind to expect Vanessa end up with the Potter boy, instead? Well, guess we'll see...

Nice chapter, I'll move to the next now.

Love,

Chiara



Author's Response:

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Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 21 Oct 2018 06:48 PM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hi! Here for your request! (Sorry it took me so long to get back at you...)

You surely have an intriguing background for Vanessa... I am curious to learn more about her father's past, admitting that you'll dig into that. And yes, her mother's house didn't feel the safest... I'm not totally sure about how I feel for either of her parents, to be totally honest. But it looks like her father has her best interests at heart (even if he just disappeared for the first four years of her life?) so I guess I'm glad he took her away...

One thing that I felt a bit off about the prologue (but it might just be my personal impression) is that Vanessa's voice sounded quite unemotional here? I suppose you meant for this to be the recount of a much older Vanessa reminiscing these events? So maybe it's not that emotional due to the time distance? Or maybe is just that I would have liked if this was expanded just a tiny bit more? As I said, it's probably just my personal feeling, so don't think about it too much...

I think the flow was very good, though. And the dialogues were absolutely believable and the characters' voices sounded just right. Vanessa calling for her Mum felt so autentic, I can totally imagine a girl her age in that situation putting up a tantrum like that.

I'm very curious to see what will happen now that they'll be back to England... Guess I'll move on to the next chapter and get a peek on things. ;)

Thank you for your request :)

Chiara



Author's Response:

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Name: Rynna Aurelia (Signed) · Date: 16 Oct 2018 09:20 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hello, I'm here for your requested reviews!

First things first, I have to admit I was very intrigued by your title of "Golden Girl", even more so after reading an excellent first chapter. The daughter of an ex-Death Eater, much less that claims to have turned away from Voldemort, and after surviving a childhood as awful as this? Poor girl, I can hardly expect how she'll act at Hogwarts - or when confronted with the children of the Golden Trio and company.

As for flow, I thought this made a very gripping first chapter from start to finish; you focused on what was important, and barely wasted a word.If anything, I was almost breathless from the pace you set, but this seemed intentional and very realistic from Vanessa's point of view, considering her age and the Firewhiskey.

I quickly became invested in Vanessa and her fate, especially after something like this, and I loved how you'd drop useful exposition - details about Vanessa's conditions, the fact her father's a Death Eater, etc - but you never made it seem like an info dump. The dialogue never became stilted, and it seemed to be a very natural flow.

Great job, and I look forward to the next!

-Maya



Author's Response:

Hey Maya, thank you so much for your positive review!

 

You said you were almost breathless with the pace! I hope that was a good thing.

I always imagine how Vanessa would tell her story to someone else, and I definitely think it would be in a matter-of-fact and detached manner. I think when she gets older, it's just part of her history. And not getting emotional about it would be how she would cope. I hope that makes sense anyway, haha. Thanks again!

 

Rhi :)



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 14 Oct 2018 03:54 PM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hello! I'm here with your requested review from the forums! :)

 

Wow, what a start. What a horrible childhood Vanessa has had, and I imagine this is going to affect her long into the future. Like, each of her parents are pretty horrible and tbh I can't imagine how they ever got together in the first place! The firewhiskey - that's awful. And then the fact that her dad uses her as a pawn to get back at her mother. And then based on the last few paragraphs it sounds like she was moving around a lot as a child, which would mean she's never really had friends. She is so alone. I'm really glad she is going to Hogwarts at least, where she will have a community to belong to, but I think it'll be a hard adjustment for her. I guess I'll have to wait and see!

 

Her dad's history is interesting too and I doubt this is the last we will hear about his former death eater connections. Regardless of his past and the fact that he is just spiteful in the beginning, it seems he does grow to care for Vanessa, so that's nice to see at least. I'm curious how they will fit in back in England after so long.

 

So you asked about flow of the story and whether it reads well. I cant comment on the flow as a whole, after reading just one chapter, but this chapter is paced well. You focus on the most important part when she is taken away from home, and then a few paragraphs is enough to summarize after that. If you want, one thing you could consider adding is more description in the beginning -what the house looked like, etc. Of course, maybe you didn't include it because she's only four and doesn't remember that by the time she's narrating this. I just like description, haha. But it's up to you -it's still great as is.

 

One thing I would recommend fixing though is the spelling of 'prologue' in the chapter title ;)

 

Anyway I think you have a very good start! It's definitely effective to hook the reader in, and you raise a lot of questions that I'm curious to find out the answers to. Great work!!



Author's Response:

Hey Stella, thanks so much for the review.

 

I know what you mean about description. It's probably the thing that I struggle with most as a writer to be honest. I don't know why, haha. I will definitely endeavour to include more but I did sacrifice a lot of it for the sake of pace in this chapter, otherwise I fell as though it would have dragged a little bit. But thanks again for the read and review. I hope to see you here again.

 

Rhi :)



Name: godslayer (Signed) · Date: 13 Oct 2018 09:01 PM · starstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

First off I’m just gonna say it’s one heck of a prologue. Lots of action.

It offers a compelling backstory for Vanessa and kinda sets her up for why she might act a certain way in the story. I’m particularly interested in how (if it does at all) Vanessa’s infancy impacts her adolescent life. Anything that traumatic is bound to have an impact and it just adds to potential internal conflict. I am always here for internal conflict.


Another juicy tidbit: ex-Death Eater? How did he escape persecution? Are they hiding under a fake name so that Vanessa doesn’t get bullied? So many questions, I must read more to find out!


Only part that puts me off a little is a four year old being capable of producing coherent sentences. But that’s it.

 

Overall consensus: interesting backstory, would continue to read to find out more about Vanessa and her family. It’s a bit difficult to review a prologue to be honest, but you’ve definitely got an interesting premise!



Author's Response:

Hey there, thank you so much for you review!

 

I defintely wanted to give Vanessa a cracker start at life. I felt it was a bit risky, so I'm super gald that it's paid off. Needless to say, Vess defintely has emotional scaring which you will see later on. Hopefully you keep reading to see how it unfolds. Thank you again for the read and review.

 

Rhi :)



Name: The Heir of Slytherin (Signed) · Date: 13 Oct 2018 09:47 AM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

Back! Had to know more.

 

The introductions to your characters was great. Straight into the action and putting in the relevant information as it was necessary. I love stories like that, where the writers show us who the characters are by what they do and say in the action around them, and you did it here really well. 

 

What is Gabby’s last name? You mentioned her being Scorpius’ cousin, but her and Ely didn’t have last names in the chapter, so I’m just curious. I loved seeing all the canon last names, a Slytherin Potter in a sea of Slytherin/Death Eater’s children. I wonder how his family took that. I imagine Harry and Hermione being all right with it, maybe Ron. Funny images in my head.

 

Scorpius’ potion use is an interesting development. Everyone always writes his personality so differently, I look forward to seeing what you do with him. And Albus.

 

And the summary says this is an Albus/OC and I’m assuming the OC is Vanessa, so I can’t wait to see what goes on between Albus, Vanessa, and Toby.

 

Good start, I’ll be back for more soon. :)

 

Sam



Author's Response:

Howdy! Great to see that you're back again!

 

I'm glad you liked the start. I, like you, enjoy stories that jump straight into things and I definitely try to mimic that in my writing as a result. Obviously I can't give too much away but Gabby's surname is Greengrass... and Eleanor Southall (obviously not a canon name). Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I hope you come back!

 

Rhi :)



Name: The Heir of Slytherin (Signed) · Date: 13 Oct 2018 09:22 AM · starstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: Prologue

Hello, I’m here from the forums review thread!

 

You’ve definitely got an interesting beginning. I feel like I’ve been pulled into this family’s life and now I’m invested in what happens next, how Mark will feel being back in England, what Vanessa will do and be like there, how her mother will play into it (if we haven’t seen the last of her, that is). It’s very cool.

 

A good prologue, I enjoyed the backstory very much. I will definitely be back for more. 

 

Sam.



Author's Response:

Hey Sam!

 

I'm so glad you enjoyed the read :)



Name: victoria_anne (Signed) · Date: 07 Oct 2018 03:56 AM · [Report This]
Story:Golden Girl Chapter: One

Hello! I'm here from the forums with your requested review

 

I couldn't just leave it at the prologue, I had to no what happened next :P Also omg the Shiralee, I remember watching that in school and absolutely loving it! So I think the prologue was a really great set up. I felt sympathetic toward the kind of childhood that Vanessa must have had, and it also introduced some stakes with her father's dark past and the fact that he chose to go back to England.

 

I had a little giggle at how much contraband Astrid confiscated from first years. I can't believe they haven't even started school and are already looking for ways to get out of it :P

 

I tihnk the dialogue between the Quidditch-ites on the train comes across naturally. They seem like a strong, organised team who is aware of each other's strengths and weaknesses, so I'm excited to see a possible Quidditch game in the future :)

 

Ooh but Vanessa is involved in something naughty. I'm interested to see how that develops, especially since Scorpius is involved. And it's interesting that Vanessa can see the Thestrals! I wonder who she saw die?

 

Toby seems sweet enough! But since this is an Albus/OC fic, I'm interested to see how that unfolds! This was a great chapter, I really enjoyed it, and getting to know your lovely characters. I can't quite guess where the story will go just yet, but I'm excited to find out!



Author's Response:

Hey victoria_anne! Thank you so much for popping in, I really appreciate.

 

You feel for my trap, hehe! I know that the prologue isn't suited to everyone's taste, but it definitely inspires the feeling of sympathy and compels you to want to know more about Vanessa. You are the first person I've come across that has seen The Shiralee, and I'm so glad that you loved it. It's obviously rather old now but it's become a bit of classic as far as Australian TV mini-series go, and it definitely holds a soft spot in my heart. I don't know how much of the show you remember, but you can probably imagine what the rest of Vanessa's childhood continues in a similar fashion.

 

I wanted to let the reader feel how well the team worked together and understand the chemistry that they have as a team. It is something that I am trying to work on in my writing, and that is the whole ‘show, don't tell' philosophy. Having the characters talk and interact was a way to achieve that without having a massive block of descriptive text. Sometimes it works, other times it can become a bit stagnant.

 

I can't wait to share the backstory being why she can see Thestrals but unfortunately, you're going to have to wait on that one.

 

I will have to pop back in and request more reviews from you in the future because this one was so wonderful. Thank you so much!

 

 

Rhi :)



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