Hi, here for another review!
I love the pet names. Bedhead would be my fav, especially side by side with something like Shadow Runner. So, did they get caught heading back home? How didMark come across as still being on medication?
This was a pretty short chapter so I don't have much to say. I enjoyed the banter a lot, and it's clear the friendships here are genuine. I really hope you update again soon (not that I'm one to talk much here) because I'm really curious to where this is all heading.
Hi, Rumple! Here for the swap!
I missed these two. Not too much happened besides the panic attack, but even still I think it was a good solid chapter where we got more of Mark and Cy. I can definitely understand him being set off by that argument when he's already overwhelmed. It must be extremely hard to have to wake up and have to remember everything all over again every day.
I'm glad he's finally starting to get himself off the meds, and I really hope he remembers everything when he is. It's either that or have to learn everything all over again, which would be great as a reader, but also,I just feel so bad fir these two.
Nice chapter, onward to the next!
Hello Rumpels, here for our swap!
I’m so excited to be back here. I’m so invested in Mark and Cyril’s story now and I’ve got to let you know. Honestly, I was shocked to read that Mark was out past curfew, considering how concerned he should be about getting caught. He’s behaving somewhat recklessly in pursuit of Cyril now, which I am not all the way sure will end up going well.
It’s interesting to note that Cyril has no real idea what would happen to Mark if he was caught out past curfew, even though he is positively spooked by the very thought.
This is an excellent scene because Mark and Cyril are both so nervous, for such vastly different reasons. I absolutely love this awkward softness between them in this scene. And it’s so well done the way you have Cyril consider that Mark would forget him if he began taking his medication again. Such a subtle shift in priorities and so against the beliefs ingrained in him, but it feels like a natural progression of thought rather than a sharp turn.
I was so excited to see that Cyril decided to stop taking his meds. It opens up so many avenues to take the story down once he can remember things and presumably clear his mind up a bit. And it is just so awesome to read this in this format because of how it enables concepts such as Cyril writing things in order to convince himself tomorrow to do something that he decided to do today.
The fuzzy moments that he deserves are oddly terrifying to me. I value my ability to form coherent thoughts above all else and everything about the effects of this medication are my worst nightmare. It really makes me wonder, again, what in the world the government feels the need to do this to people for.
The museum scene is great because it is so difficult to tell what here is propaganda and lies and what actually happened. I don’t think even Mark really knows for sure. I do look forward to unravel at least some of the mysteries of what happened back then down the line. This story is so addicting - you’ve got something so, so special and I will let you know every time I stop by. I adored this chapter, thank you for the swap!
Hey Rumples! Here for our swap, for EvS, and for more of this amazing story!
So. I absolutely loved this chapter.
I loved Mark's POV. I was really intrigued by Mark in the first chapter, and the more I get to know him the better I like him. One thing that's so great about Mark's POV -- his voice is so different from Cyril's, more lyrical and with a larger working vocabulary. This is both great character work and great world-building, showing us some of the interior effects of the medication -- Mark's rich inner life is maybe what Cyril's would be like if he were off his meds too.
I love this line: "Like I would be some ghost of a memory, playin in the far corners of his brain, poking its head up through a blanket of medication like the first gangly plant breaking through the ashen remnants of scorched earth." It's just astonishing in its beauty and poignancy. This whole scene, with Mark hopeful that Cyril might recognize him and terrified that he'll rat him out, is just wonderful.
Ahhh, the flashback! You do a great job at capturing the horror of forgetting -- this memory, of Mark and Cyril's first meeting, is so lovely and precious, and the thought of Mark losing it is unimaginably awful.
". . .who spun words into art, just like the way Cy showed me how to." Are they poets? I love it.
It's so thrilling that Cyril's been caught before -- it tells us about the sort of man he used to be, and it raises the stakes considerably. I love that you weave in little hints about what happened the first time, how Cyril covered for Mark, how Mark's been plotting to recover Cyril ever since ("Seduce and Recover" is an awesome name for an operation).
I'm really intrigued by the Underground and Outside. Also, this line: "Peoples of the Outside are coming together to reclaim the blistering earth and make it fruitful once more." !!! Just amazing writing.
I really like Amelia so far, her cheek and spunk (and I knew something was up with the woman at the patisserie!).
". . .who spun words into art, just like the way Cy showed me how to." Are they poets? I love it.
It's really interesting what Cyril does and doesn't remember. He clearly doesn't remember any *information* about his past life, but he does in a sense remember his *feelings* for Mark -- at least, his attraction to Mark seems rooted in a hazy memory of past feelings?
The whole scene, from the moment Cyril accepts the contrapand from Mark to the end of the chapter, is so perfect -- my favourite part of the story so far. You do a great job conveying the mingled excitement and paranoia of Cyril's walk home -- I was so curious about what was inside the package, and terrified about what Cyril might do. And the sequence where Cyril's coping with feelings he doesn't understand is so touching and tragic and sinister all at once! And I just love that it's the Christina Rossetti :')
Another amazing chapter, Rumples! This story is so thrilling and beautiful and masterfully executed.
Wifey!! Here for our EvS swap!
Oh my god, Mark and Cy were a thing?!? RFJDJAKRJBRJWJABHRK!! What?! Cy was also one of those off-his-meds people?? And from the sounds of it, a lot more of a rebel than Mark is. Mind. Blown. Although, it makes Mark’s interest in Cy make a lot more sense. It’s more than just a random who wants to see someone else freed. There’s history there. Aaaaand, now it makes sense how that girl knew Cy’s name and order. Gah! This is crazy!
I am dying to know more of their backstory. Like, how they got caught, and what exactly happened there. And I’m sure it was in no way a pleasant experience. This is wild, though. I’m so glad we got to see Mark’s POV. I’m… I’m just. This is brilliant, Wifey!
I love “Operation Seduce and Recover.” I mean, Cy does seem like he is feeling… things. So, seems like the Seduce portion of the operation is underway. I really hope that the attraction keeps him for ratting out Mark about not taking his meds. I feel like he probably won’t, but I’m worried. If Cy is drugged up and brainwashed at the moment, that could be dangerous. However, he was already having doubts about things, so maybe he won’t.
I’m really intrigued about the Underground and the Outside. I’m hoping we get to see more of those. The Underground sounds better, and worse at the same time. Like, people get to be themselves, yet they’re living in the sewers. Freedom, yet not free.
And we’re back to Cy. Oh my god, the package. I couldn’t imagine what it could have been. Poor Cy, with all those thoughts and fear about if he were caught. We know he has been before. So I’m sure that it would probably be worse for him if he were caught doing something wrong another time. But of course, he doesn’t remember that. Ugh, my heart breaks for him.
Ahh, when he opened it and read it! Memories can fade, but emotions and feelings, they leave a mark that cannot be erased. He’s definitely feeling things. There are most certainly feelings coming back. I need Cy to stop taking his meds right now, so they can properly reunite! My heart can’t handle this!
I’m so excited to move on to the next chapter. Seriously, I’m completely in love with your story. It’s freaking brilliant. The writing is flawless, the characters are amazing so far. This is just spectacular! Amazing work, love! I’m going to 1000% be back!
All the love and hugs!
Hi Rumpels! Here for our swap and EvS!
Let’s just pretend I haven’t already read this entire story after I reviewed the first chapter because I was so enthralled. I’m sure there’s things I missed the first time around. (Like how I thought Cyril was a woman for the entire first chapter!)
I love how you set up the change in POV, immediately letting us in on the fact that they used to be together. The question here still remains, how did Cyril forget? Why would he have gotten back on his medication if he was remembering?
The line starting with ‘like I would be some ghost of a memory’ is EXCELLENT. Just beautiful imagery.
The way you slip in the information that Cyril was caught before is awesome. It changes the stakes of the entire story - it makes you wonder what the people in charge are capable of when you’re caught going against their rules. Is this the first time we see the Underground mentioned? There’s all of these little references to things that will become important later on, just trickling out to set up future plot points.
And knowing that they first met two years ago! I was at first under the impression that they’d only met when he began working with him somehow. That obviously is not the case whatsoever.
I knew that the lady at the patisserie was involved with something shady! She was certainly remembering, at least.
I love that there are people who live entirely in the Underground and leave the world behind (that’d probably be me) and then there’s this entirely separate group that goes undercover on the surface. Their lives must be so stressful and frightening - they can never stop watching their back. I assume that it’s incredibly dangerous, although I’m not certainly of the level of force the Peacekeepers are capable of.
I’m especially interested in what is on the Outside. I am hopeful that we will eventually get a look at it because with your gift for worldbuilding, it’ll be really, really cool.
It’s actually scary to me, how Cyril says that he is ‘nothing’ on his day off. That struck me as the most brainwashed thing he’d said so far in the story.
Mark giving him a book of poetry they used to enjoy together is really cute and also, smart. That feels like the sort of thing that might be able to cut through the medication and make something click in his mind.
‘I think that, before meeting Mark, I would have said I loved my job and I loved Dick's nutrition dogs. After meeting Mark, I think I would say I like my job and I like Dick's nutrition dogs.’ This is one of my favorite lines ever, oh my god. I just can’t stop reading it over and over. It says so much in so little space. This story is just one of the best I’ve ever read, you should be so proud of it. I’m blown away every time I revisit this. Thank you for the swap!
Wifey!! I’m here for our EvS review swap!
I’m trying to form words. Real words, that aren’t just me screaming at you how absolutely, mind-blowingly incredible this is. Because, truly, this is freaking brilliant. Oh, random fun fact, my Grandfather’s name was Cyril, and so is my dad’s youngest brother. But anyhoo. I just adore post end of the world, creepy “big brother’s watching,” Hunger Games-ish type stories. They’re so chilling, because you really never know if humanity is going to lead that way. It’s very plausible.
This was so gripping right from the start. Like I was sitting here wondering why he had a pamphlet of his personal info? And why does it seem he can’t remember things? Then we come to find out that society has medically endured amnesia. That’s creepy as hell right there. I can’t imagine waking up each day not knowing what happened the day before. Or, relearning who you are each day. That’s dark. And super, super creative.
I loved the little snippets of the signs around the Brighton Medical Manufacturing Facility. Again, really creepy and chilling. It really added more of that dystopian feel to the story.
I can’t wait to see what comes for Cyril and Mark. Obviously Cyril has a sort of crush on him. Even with not remembering day to day, he seems to remember the feelings that Mark gives him. But then, like, he also almost doesn’t trust him. But then how much of that distrust is due to the brainwashing, amnesiac and propaganda. It’s so interesting. And then to find out it’s been MONTHS they’ve been talking about this! It’s crazy. And like, what the hell is with them reporting the same dog on the news?? Again, creepy.
I wonder if Cyril is going to stop taking his meds? Or if like, he is just going to keep relying on his journal for, not really remebering, but knowing what is going on. I had a feeling that Mark wasn’t taking them. He seemed to remember things in a way that Cyril wasn’t. I cannot stress enough how interesting and just amazing this is.
I’m coming back for more. I kind of wish I saved this for my last swap, because I just want to keep reading. I’m hooked already. I need to know how this progresses. I need to see more of this world. I need to know if Cyril stops taking his meds. I need to know everything. Amazing, fantastic, incredible, wonderful work here! You should be super, super proud of this, Wifey! It’s astounding!!
Rumpels! It has been forever and a day since I read this fic. This wonderful, well written fic with my two favourite guys. I've missed Mark and Cyril. Please proceed to poke me whenever you update this!!
Okay so, Cyril is sitll on his meds...and not in the factory. They're out! I had to quickly re-read everything just to remind myself where we were in this fic. Oh bless him, poor Cyril. This is probably already way too much for him. There's so much medication he has to stop taking too, so clarity won't return quickly. Will he remember everything once the pills are out of his system or are they going to rebuild their relationship? I hope for Mark's sake that they don't have to fall in love all over again...although that's something I'd like to read.
Mark has the patience of a saint. Whilst I like to think that I'd be there for Cyril in every way possible, given the stress of the situation, if I was in his sick covered shoes I'd be a lot more tense. I'd have scared Cy to death!
Amelia was so mad, and tbh, I can see why. The entire situation is going to make everything a lot more difficult...I have faith in them. Mostly. Sort of. I'm keeping my fingers crossed either way. Oh and that last little line from Cyril melted my heart. How dare these two be so cute and not be together properly?!?! Despite all the mishaps, Mark is really good at keeping Cyril safe and I love that in the midst of all the confusion, he can sense that.
i'm here for our swap! *_* (and EvS, team emerald)
oooh poor mark. poor cyril! they used to be together and now a lot of things make sense from the previous chapter – like why mark would even start talking to cyril because i’m guessing nobody would risk being found out for talking with a random person :oooo
and they actually met in this…underground (i suppose it’s some sort of a resistance to the regime? literally under ground?) and they got caught and now mark is trying to get cyril to remember things. there’s so much info in the first couple of paragraphs, it’s so cool because we get to know about their past and not just about that but also more about the world they live in. it’s tragic to watch someone you love working alongside you every day and not recognise you – i can’t imagine how mark must feel <.<
of course the woman from the patisserie is part of the whole thing – but i laughed out loud at her comment about cyril being afraid of her :P ‘seduce and recover’ is also hilarious, i like amelia for now :D i think i mentioned this in my previous review but i have to say it again – the fact that there’s humour mixed with dystopia is great because it gives us some reprieve from the bad state of the world.
i’m intrigued by the fact that mark (and cyril…) never wanted to be a part of a revolution, they just wanted to be the two of them, together, out of that horrible place. and now i’m wondering if they’re going to actually end up being a part of the revolution. i hope they do even though i can definitely understand the want to just be free of that place and leave the revolution to others.
oh wow, okay the underground is part of the sovereignty but where ‘normal’ people live – it’s fascinating. how come the peacekeepers don’t know about it? or they do but they choose to ignore it. from what i understand about the ‘outside’ there was some sort of…nuclear war or something? well, something that made the earth a barren wasteland anyhow…and if the sovereignty is not a wasteland, why would the ‘outside’ be a complete wasteland :o so obviously it’s not. which makes this all the more interesting!
that ending, with mark giving cyril the book he was reading when they first met and then cyril’s reaction, the tears and the feelings he didn’t understand were heartbreaking.
this was such a great chapter rumpels *_*
hey rumpels, i'm here for our review swap!
two things first – your title is amazing and your summary is amazing. they’re both intriguing and hook-y and if i were browsing through books in a bookshop or a library, you can bet i would 99% pick it up *_*
cyril is peculiar – not knowing whether he likes sweet things or if he and mark are workplace companions (friends?) and stuff like that makes me think it’s probably something to do with the medication everyone is being given (okay, yeah, i’ve read on and see that it most definitely is the medication, at least mark seems to think so)? he can also be sort of funny which i really liked because i think that even in stories about bleak themes/places, it’s cool to have some sort of respite from all the bad things happening, even if it’s just a couple of humorous lines.
the intro to the sovereignty is quite chilling and foreboding – i’m such a sucker for dystopias *_* it’s like – i need to know more but i also need to calm down and read properly (but of course, i’m notoriously impatient :P )
this whole thing about forgetting yesterday is so creepy! and then mark starts writing things down and then cyrill does and omg how does that woman know his name???? i’m so excited!
and the news is all the same every day?! that’s…not unexpected after everything i’ve read so far but i still giggled at cyrill’s thoughts about mrs. quartet’s dog :P
this first chapter was phenomenal! it give so much info but at the same time too little in the sense that you just want to keep on reading (and ever stop). the children being sent away (and their parents not remembering them) is particularly cruel but then, dystopias are cruel. and dividing people up into districts/work classes and also not letting them remember anything is quite an effective way on maintaining control over them. i do wonder if the peacekeepers (and the rulers??) are fanatics or if this is all for someone’s gain (or maybe it’s both….)
Hello Rumpels, I’m here for our swap and for EvS!
I’ve been interested in this story for some time and I am KICKING myself for not stopping by before now. This is, literally, the exact sort of stories that I read and you’ve pulled off the start of it SO well and I am not going to be able to stop reading until I get to the newest chapter. Anyway, I’ll start from the beginning.
You roll out the details in such a methodical way here. Cyril’s revelation that she doesn’t like sweet things was odd to read the first time because, well, how had she only just realized? Immediately I’d guessed that she had lost her memory in some way and we would be following a protagonist as they try to recombine pieces of themselves and figure out what happened to them in the past. In a way, I think I was right.
I was really intrigued by the title of ‘peacebreaker.’ That is so pointed and direct - I’ve never seen it before, but I know right away what it means to be called that.
The entire paragraph of - ‘You see, the War revealed...beyond the walls of the Sovereignty’ is a major highlight. You establish a zoomed out view of this history while teasing a taste of the current landscape of their world as well. Really excellent, succinct worldbuilding.
I’m obsessed with all the small bits of detail you give us about Cyril’s work. I love the implication that this medication was all that stood between society and an uprising of some sort. That set off a bunch of warning flags for me that there is something deeply wrong about this world that would leave it so close to the edge of chaos in that way.
All of the banners reminded people of the rules are downright scary, knowing that you’re likely to take them at face value if you legitimately remember nothing at all. I can’t help but wonder if the Overseers take the medication too. Maybe they have to be explained their jobs every morning as well.
Mark is just a ridiculously good character. The juxtaposition between how absolutely rational he, and everything he says, seems and Cyril’s reaction to it all is amazing. There could be no better display of the depths of their brainwashing.
I imagine that Cyril and Mark have quite a history that she does not remember. She’s clearly really into him on a level maybe a bit deeper than surface level memory. The plaque on their station is excellent and the repetition of it works very, very well.
The idea of writing things down each night is so good - this is when I could sense things about to go off the rails - and also when I realized that Cyril had done this to, and this is what I’d been reading.
The names you’ve given everything made me so happy--nutrition dogs, the Daily Hubbub with Big Daddy Dingle--just wonderful.
Mark’s promise that Cyril will ‘figure it out soon enough’ is so fun. I’m literally giddy reading this. It’s like it was manufactured in a lab to get me super excited.
The third of May is remarkable because it is so short and, yet, gets such a huge amount of information across. It’s really the turning point of the chapter.
The reveal that the dog story has been in the news for months now critically changes the entire perception of everything before it. There’s definitely something existentially frightening about living the same day and again and again and not even realizing it.
I had pieced together that Mark was definitely not on his medication, but what’s more interesting is Cyril’s reaction to that information. She’s still buying into the peacebreaker idea, though something tells me she might not after a while.
It’s incredible how many reveals you pack into this first chapter. And how they’re all so impactful. When Cyril realizes that she hasn’t seen any kids at all, I was taken aback. The idea of separating the young that way and their parents not quite remembering that they were taken is the thing that makes it clear they are being manipulated terribly, if you didn’t understand that already.
I can’t believe that Cyril didn’t even know about the districts. They really are kept in the dark, almost entirely. There is so much to unpack, I literally cannot wait to move on with this!
I will be back as soon as possible, this is one of my favorite stories already - it’s obvious that you have an extremely solid grasp on what you’re doing here and I just have got to see where it goes. Thank you so much for the swap!
Hey Rumples! Here for EvS (Team Silver!).
Wow -- what an amazing start! This chapter was actually thrilling, and I am so excited for this story.
So, I didn't read the chapter summary till after I finished the chapter, and honestly I was shocked that you were worried about Cyril's voice because I am totally enamoured with it. The voice of this piece has a dry, matter-of-fact quality that I associate with Forster, Greene, and Orwell; it is instantly engaging and perfect for the story, a calm, perceptive voice in a world gone mad.
The way you control the flow of information in this piece -- especially throughout First, May -- is masterful.
In the first paragraph we can tell that something is very, very wrong with Cyril. It feels like he's just learning that his name is "Cy" and that he doesn't like sweets. Then below he learns that his job is "Packing and Distributing Agent" from his chart. And *then*, he learns the history of the Sovereignty from a pamphlet on his nightstand! And he doesn't know who his friend (Mark) is!? The sense of creeping horror that you achieve is phenomenal (and we still don't know what's going on!).
I love this line: "That is how the War started. That is how the world ended. That is why there is a grand nothingness on the Outside, beyond the walls of the Sovereignty." It's just chilling!
The reveal -- that Cyril's condition is a product of medication -- is well-foreshadowed. Cyril's chart tells us what his dosages are, like it's a foregone conclusion that he's going to be on some medication or other. And then Mark's quietly subversive line, "I don't really think we need all this medication" (love the understatement of it!).
The idea that they're having their memories wiped daily is horrific. I love that you're exploring the theme of memory in this piece, its costs and benefits. It's so creepy to think about having your memory erased every day because your memories are who you are. But I think you're also right that memory is necessary for sedition, unrest.
And the reveal naturally raises a question -- how does Mark know what he knows? Why does he seem more aware of himself and his surroundings than Cyril? The anticipation built by this question is really remarkable. (This also makes me wonder about the woman at the patisserie!)
Your characterization of Mark throughout it amazing. Initially he seems both alluring and sinister -- reflecting Cyril's mingled attraction and fear. As the story progresses our sense of him changes too. I'm really interested to read more about him.
All the quiet acts of rebellion -- the whispering, the handing of pill bottles, the diary -- are wonderful, more powerful for their being subtle than they would be if they were big and showy.
I love the twist at the end of First, May! I should have seen it coming, but I didn't realize that Cyril was keeping a diary too until he explicitly announced as much.
I can already tell I'm going to love the form of this piece -- the story of a man rediscovering who he is. Cy's gradual awakening to who he is and what his world is like is gripping. His observation about the newscast; his realization that he feels so confused all the time. . .And his realization that his life is so repetitious, something he definitely wouldn't have known before! I find this really fascinating -- certainly one way to quash unrest is to prevent people from seeing how Sisyphean their lives are.
Finally, the reveal that Mark is off his meds is just perfect and beautifully foreshadowed. He has an alertness that can't be fully explained by his keeping a diary. But he instinctively knows that he can't tell Cyril the truth upfront, not until Cyril starts to understand for himself.
Amazing work! I loved this chapter, and I'll be back for more very soon!
Hi Rumpels! Here to give you some love (and for the magical menagerie ofc, #WyvernFTW)!
It was interesting to read this fic, a fic with effectively an amnesiac as the main character after a few months and having forgotten quite a few details hahaha. It was a really interesting effect, kind of like I started gathering the pieces just as Cyril did and oh, man, when I pieced everything back together...PURE PAIN.
Reading this fic still feels a lot like coming home. Every time I read it, I’m reminded of all the reasons I love it. As always, your balance of humor and darkness is just so spectacular. I found the scene with the horrid stench to be rather amusing but then it was followed by an emotional attack (my feels are pretty dead now, thanks), and neither felt too overwhelming. They were just perfectly balanced and I think that takes serious skill.
Speaking of an emotional attack...I’m still reeling. I think this chapter has been the rawest examination of Cyril and Mark’s bond and how the meds has fractured that bond. I’ve always been fascinated by the effects of forcing people to forget each other on relationships and this chapter just makes me sick to my stomach at that thought—and all the more attached to Mark and Cy, for how their love seems to be strong enough to overcome even that. I just really can’t imagine what Mark must be feeling right now, with Cy’s ridiculous comment about how they were friends (UGH. STAB ME IN THE HEART) and then the claims about Amelia...heart-shattering, honestly. I like that you put in part of his POV, but not too much. Like I said: you strike the perfect balance.
The last moment in tbe chapter warmed my heart and I might’ve actually cooed out loud. They’re just so adorable?! I can tell that this chapter is setting up a lot for their relationship in the future and I’m so so excited to see what comes next. I feel this review has been underwhelming but let me just tell you that this fic continues to be one of my absolute favorites and I was beyond excited to see a chapter that I hadn’t read yet published <3
Loved it, and looking forward to more <3 Thank you for sharing!
Hey, Rumple! I'm here for your Christmas review present a day late!
I know you said you were nervous about putting your first multichaptered original story up, but it's amazing.
There's definitly some editing that can be done. I caught a couple of typos and it was a bit confusing at first when you broke up dialogue from one person into so many lines, since usually it breaks for a new speaker, but other than that I loved it.
For some reason I thought Cyril was a girl in the first chapter, and I was very pleased when I realized he wasn't, though I would have liked it either way. I'm always a slut for more LGBT+ rep, and they're just...so cute together. I love you you started hinting at things in the first chapter, and how you reveal things a little at a time instead of dumping it all at once on us. It keeps you wanting to read and find out...evendenced by me reading all four chapters when I technically should be doing other things. (She says, as she's also been on Twitter) :P
I'm usually not a fan of the medication approach to dystopian stories like this, since there's a lot of stigma surrounding taking medication (which I need myself), but I really do like this story. I forgot the name of the short story, but it reminds me of one we read in school where people had ear pieces that would make loud noises whenever someone started questioning things, which would shock them out of thinking. It was the one where a couple was watching a ballet proformance and it turned out their son got shot killed while they were watching? Because he and a girl took off the limitations the goverment had forced on them. This was years ago.
I'm also always a slut for characters that love poetry, at least when done right and doesn't come across pretincious, which this doesn't. It always makes me sad how many people don't like poems.
The wall idea makes me think a lot of the book series Uglies, and the Divergent series as well. Actually, this reminds me a lot of the series Uglies. Have you read those books before? If not I'd recommend it.
Anyway, I'll be looking foward to reading more of this, and I hope you start feeling better soon!
Hi Rumpels! Popping back in to this story to spread a little holiday cheer. :)
I love this first little entry, because Cyril is still really confused by Mark and his feelings for Mark (since, ya know, he’s forgotten that he has them) and they both sound like two kids who have mutual crushes on each other and turn super awkward around each other as a result. I love all the ways you describe emotions here, without the words for them since Cyril himself doesn’t have the words - especially this line: “It's no wonder that the Peacekeepers have deemed such strong emotions dangerous because something quite diabolical was happening to all of my insides.” And omg the little detail about Mark knowing where Cyril keeps his linens is great.
And the start of the second entry is hilarious, because I can definitely imagine how finding a man you don’t remember just moving about in your home would be alarming - and I LOVE how Mark’s just talking a million miles a minute and Cyril’s just standing there and completely alarmed. But then Mark’s response was heartbreaking, as was Cyril’s reaction when he figured out who Mark was. And then this line - “I don't want to have to read to remember Mark. I want to remember him always.” - was just SO CUTE.
I liked the museum scene a lot - it gave a ton of background and world building without feeling like some massive information dump. But all the background about the war and all the actions leading up to it (which…. sound quite a lot like modern times, in a way) was really well-placed amongst the interactions between Cyril and Mark.
And Cyril’s going off his meds!! This is big!! I wonder if he’ll get all his memories back at once, or if it’ll come back in pieces. I guess that’s something I’ll figure out the answer to soon enough.
Also, Cyril interpreting Mark’s mention of Amelia as his wife or girlfriend is such a massive misunderstanding, because MARK’S IN LOVE WITH YOU AND IT’S SO OBVIOUS. I imagine that misunderstanding will get cleared up relatively quickly once Cyril actually *meets* Amelia, but for now, poor guy, haha.
Another really lovely chapter, Rumpels! This world you’ve managed to build in just these first three chapters really is incredible. :)
Hi, Rumpel. Thank you so much for sparing your time for beta reading.
Though I read this chapter before, I had so many questions and then I ended just making a graphic of Mark. I was not ready for leaving my review.
Then I read some reviews by the fellow authors trying to understand your fic. Okay, now I think I am ready. Here we go.
From the start, mystery began.Why do patisseries make Cy's stomack churn? Does he sense they had once poison or something bad cause that let him allow to stay in the place he lives now? I feel conspiracy is going on.
From the title I guess the protagonist and Mark broke the laws in the world in this story and their memory, at least Cy's has been deleted with some tricks. I remembered one HP fanfic themed the cursed place which let people forget their past. I am not sure, my guess may be wrong.
Mark's smell is familiar to Cy. And he has a special feeling, calmed down everytime he was near Cy. Mark must have been a very important person before Cy lost his memory. Mark seems to know what is coming observing Cy. It seems that he watches and observes Cy and protects him.
A very intriguing story!
Hey, Kenny o/
There's a lot going on with the dystopian spin, so it's understandable that it might've been a bit confusing at first. A conspiracy surrounding poisoned pastries is a really clever idea, but I was more or less using the sweets angle as a device to show that Cyril struggles to understand what he likes and doesn't like due to the medication he's being given. He decides he doesn't like sweets because the thought made his stomach churn (much in the way that the idea of anything sweet in the morning makes my own stomach churn -- just a general dislike for things like that in the mornings).
And yes, the title does imply that Mark and Cyril are lawbreakers in their own regard, as the civilization that they live in might not be what it seems. And yes, you're right, Cyril's amnesia has much to do with the medications he's been given, and is more purposeful than not.
I was experimenting with the idea of certain memories and people leaving imprints on people, even through medicated-induced amnesia, which is why Mark seems very familiar to Cyril. And you're right again, Mark knows Cyril better than Cyril knows Cyril at the moment, and does watches over him and protects him in his own way.
Thanks for the lovely review, Kenny! o/
You tease! you give me just enough to keep me wanting more without giving me too much. I'm sitting here going wha? Bu... bu... *insert random gestures* I want more chica. The questions and confusion of Cy made my heart hurt and ache particularly knowing Mark's side of things. I'm so scared you are going to break things for our dear boys. I mean I'd love the story if you did and I'd love the story if they get a semi-happily ever after.
Ug this is not fair! I need more lovely. Your writing pulls me in and it is hard to pull back out.
Anyway lovely job, do want to mention that there are a few typos sprinkled in the story like there is a time where the word his is and it should be this. (Just little things) Your writing is beautiful just a few techincal glitches that I know you'll get to in time. Thank you for such a lovely tale and I cannot wait to to read more from you.
Carrie O/! <.< I'm writing more -- sorry, sorry! ;) The Mark and Cyril dramatics ran away with the plot for a minute here, but I'm pulling it back in. The boys needed their moment, I guess -- can't stop them sometimes. And yes! I desperately need to edit this chapter (I've just been terrible about getting around to it, but it's something that definitely needs to happen soon. I'm awful at spotting my own typos <.< grammarly save me. I'm hoping to get back to this story soon, my muse is forever poking at it...I just need the time now <.< or to not focus so much on other things.
Thanks so much for your lovely reviews <3
I read this ages ago and then I failed to leave you a review. I love the story you are crafting here it is so unique and beautiflly written You have such vivid characters and a strong world in which to work. I loved the moments between Mark and Cyril. There is a lot of power here and I am so excited to see another chapter for me to read and review. Thank you for writing this for my challenge! This is one of the reviews that you've earned for getting second place in my challenge. Again it was not easy judging and it came really close.
Then ending though when Cyril gets upset that Angie maybe more to Mark than what she actually is is subtle but powerful and it does not bode well for the next chapter particularly considering the chapter title. Can't wait to start reading the next chapter!
Carrie! O/ I'm terrible at responding to reviews in a timely fashion -- sorry <.< <3 I'm so happy that you like the characters and the Mark-Cyril moments. There was meant to be a subtly Angie vs Cy moment two chapters from this one, but Mark and Cyril's convo took a little bit of a side-trip down in the sewers so the outline changed slightly <.< haha! Thanks for your lovely review, dear <3.
Let me start by saying what I forgot to say about the last chapter - awesome descriptions!
Now onto this one. The restraint finally broke didn't it? It's kind of miraculous really that he was able to last this long - MONTHS - working right next to his love who doesn't even recognize him or remember anything they shared. But I'm very interested to see how things develop from here - even if you've left me BITTERLY disappointed that we didn't get to see the whole interaction with Amelia I was hoping for. (:p)
I could've just put this down here I suppose, but I'll repeat it - awesome descriptions. You really put us in the gloom, amid the foul stench and that absolutely helps show the "follow him anywhere" thoughts shining through in Cyril. It also shows the incredible thought you've put into this world you've created and I think it works out well. As before you actually have a REASON that things are the way they are and why people are where they are, living how they live. I feel like that's something that often just gets plopped down when it occurs in a dystopian setting and I was glad to see you continue to have an explanation for all these things.
The symmetry continues in this dance to drag Cyril back into the light so-to-speak and Mark makes it more literal - that Cyril saved HIM before and now the shoe is on the other foot. I like it.
Thanks for sharing your awesome story with me Rumpel! As my "official" pesterer, I fully expect you to poke and prod and remind me to read more so that I don't forget (because I'm always forgetting these days :( )
And yeah, this is the chapter where Mark's discretion begins to crumble. I can imagine that it's been taking a toll on Mark, having Cyril right there and yet still not right there. I know! The Amelia scene was IN the chapter outline for the next chapter, but something strange happened while writing this chapter in which I decided to take that part out. I had planned this entire dramatic meltdown of Cyril's inner workings as he watched Mark and Amelia interact, thinking that there must be something between them. I'm not sure why it ultimately came out in this chapter, but the conversation between Mark and Cyril in the sewers got a little more intense than I had originally intended.
It was important to me to have a rhyme for my reason ;) I'm glad that you appreciated that fact... There's so much going on, I just need to make sure it all falls into place when it's supposed to and not let Cyril and Mark's dramatics take some of that out (they're attention hogs, what can I say). But, as the Cyril x Mark plot thickens, so will the rest of the plot, I suppose.
Thank you for coming here and giving me feedback! I'm having a lot of fun writing this but am truly a newbie to the extensive world of OF, so I feel like I'm struggling to stay afloat. Offical pesterer duties are important o7 . <3
I have returned!
The re-developing chemistry between Cyril and Mark is shown nicely. I like the way that Cyril simply...does...things that he doesn't even truly understand around Mark. The way they happen is sort of beautifully awkward too in that as a reader you know they've been together before and that (I think) this was all very commonplace between them, but here Cyril is reacting like a high-schooler feeling THE feels for someone for the first time and not being quite sure how to handle everything new while a more experienced individual takes it all in stride.
I'm glad we got the exposition of the Sovereignty's account for the record and beyond that it was a solid read if for no other reason than we get to meet a Peacekeeper for the first time, see how they are, and breathe in a tad of suspense along with Cyril while he worries about getting caught.
Short thoughts from me on this chapter, but I'm pretty geared up for this trip to the UG and seeing how Amelia and Cyril interact since it seems like they "know" each other as well based on the previous chapter.
I'm glad that the chemistry and the "doing of things" is coming across nicely -- I'm still trying to work out that imprinting angle of how specific memories and people can be somewhat recognized through the medication. However, since Cyril doesn't really understand what that's all about, I think you're right, where he's very much in a state of adolescent love that he's not quite sure WHAT it is or what to even do with or about those feelings. Peacekeepers are something I certainly want to show more of -- there's a love of societal and political elements between both the Sovereignty and the Underground and the Outside that all have to be more fleshed out in the story. I'm trying to balance the introduction of information so that the reader knows what's going on without turning things into an infodump -- the struggles of writing :/ .
Thanks again for taking a loot at this for me! You're awesome!
Hello. It's me. I was wandering the archives for reviews I should complete. So I read: We, Lawbreaking. They say those meds are supposed to heal you, but Cy hasn't got much healing.
ANYWAY... This gives some background as to the pace. Naturally, I never should've doubted you had a clever, well-planned purpose to it all and it definitely shone through here. I like the jumping back to Mark's perspective right off the top to do that as well. He gives us a little background in there yes, but there's so much symmetry that comes from it too that it's just great!
One of the things I also love about the characters themselves is their personalities. While they all have degrees of uncertainty in them - even those (partially) free - mixed in with their current emotional blends, they have ways of interacting and delivering their "lines" in particular that help distinguish them. The only thing I'd consider here is the parentheticals, which I think I've seen out of both Cyril and Mark.
I definitely like the way that you wrote Cyril's emotions as coming through stronger and less stable than the others given that they're basically warring with his medications at the moment. It also mirrors the war in his mind about the truth of his life, though I'm wondering if he'll make the connection between the weapons at the museum and the medication. It calls me back to the speech in "Scent of a Woman" - the contrast between physical injury and damaging someone's identity - "[t]here isn't nothing like the sight of an amputated spirit...there is no prosthetic for that."
I am rambling now so I'm simply going to stop and move on to the next chapter. Know you've got a great thing going though!
O/ Hi again, Kevin!
Shhh, don't let people know that sometimes I know what I'm doing -- they'll come to expect it of me! ;) I'm glad the pacing does make a little more sense once Cyril's past has been a little more revealed! In my original outline (ick) before I got everything fully planned out, I had intended to tell the story through Cyril's journal entries only, but playing around with Mark's perspective allowed me to reveal things that I couldn't with Cyril and was also pretty fun, so I am happy that you liked Mark's perspective thrown into the mix! Ah yes, the parentheticals are something that I have a natural tendency to write in everything -- so I'll definitely have to keep them in mind (that's a lot more of me and my wordiness shining through than the characters themselves, so I'm glad you pointed it out). Also, I'm glad that Cyril's emotions are making sense through his medication vs memory imprinting!
Thanks so much <3
RUMPELS. Here for your wishlist. I hope you have a wonderful month, because you are a lovely person and you deserve it. ♥
I saw the slightest hint of the Cyril I once knew. My Cyril. -- I knew it! haha. Aw, this is so sad though, because the thought that Cyril can't remember what they had (whatever it was that they had) is heartbreaking and must be so hard for Mark to live with, knowing that.
it was the first time I saw anything quite as ethereal as he looked in the dim fluorescent lighting as the steam emanating off the sewage pipes danced past him, clinging to denim in his jacket. -- This. I don't know if this is meant to be funny, but in some twisted way, it is. Like, Mark sees it as this magical, ethereal moment, seeing Cyril for the first time - but the fact that he goes on to describe steam coming off of sewage pipes makes this significantly less romantic. But the image itself is lovely, if you ignore that they are sewage pipes. Love at first sight, plus sewage in the background. Omg, I just love this. XD
Calcium enriched bread product sounds incredibly unappetizing. As long as it's not made of people. I did see your tweet during NaNo that referenced Soylent Green and now I'm like lowkey worried that Bread Pproduct is the same thing XD
A+ for the names of those sex-ed pamphlets, hahaha
I really love the way you highlight the surroundings in this fic almost like it's a character in its own right, and the juxtaposition between the leafy tree-lined streets where everyone is a sedated drone, versus the dark sewer where everyone has autonomy. I know I laughed before about the steaming sewage pipe but in a way I can now kind of see why Mark thought that was such a beautiful sight, because in this world, that's freedom? It's such a weird thought, and I love that.
the Outside is totally not a wasteland, I call BS on the Peacekeepers. Based on what I know of this society so far, and my experience with other sci fi, the Outside is probably gorgeous.
The line about Cyril not knowing what tears were and having to get a pamphlet about it to explain what was happening was so heartbreaking. Oof. I can't even imagine. Just the sheer amount of things he must have to learn every day must be exhausting - it's like learning how to live all over again every day. I'm really glad that he retains the feelings about this book and about Mark even if he can't understand or remember them. And even if he will have forgotten about reading this book by tomorrow.
Gah, this story is so good and creative, once again I'm crazy impressed. This was such a great chapter. You're amazing. 10/10
KRISTEN! <3 I'm terrible at responding to reviews, I'm so sorry ;_;
Ah my Mark-Cyril mini-twist! :( In the positive, now Mark gets to try to get him back, but I can imagine that it's frustrating, lonely, and heartbreaking to watch someone you were in love with not be able to even remember who you are. :/
That's actually a very important point about the sewers and how it was sort of funny because, while it was a "magical moment" it was...in the sewers. I kind of wanted to put emphasis in the price of freedom and free-will here, in terms of this particular dystopia: if someone were to stay on their meds, follow the lead, and do what they're told, they get to live a very utopic-like society; if they want to be free of the meds and see the "utopia" for what it is, the only place they can openly do that is in the Underground, which is not as an ideal place, but it is free. But yes, it also gave me a bit of a chuckle to do the love at first sight bit plus sewage pipes <.< . That's real love. Haha!
*dies* the bread product is not people, I swear! hahaha! While there are terrible things happening here (but you didn't hear that from me), they aren't resorting to cannibalism this time!
o7 Sex-ed pamphlets were ridiculously fun to name ;)
The Outside might be more than what the Peacekeepers are saying :D . Hehe.
And I definitely wanted to the explore the idea of strong emotions/certain people being able to leave impressions through the medications -- in the same sense that the woman outside the wall knew there was something missing, even if she couldn't remember her child.
<3 Thanks so much for the amazing review! <3 <3 <3 You're always so awesome!
Howdy Rumpel! After a storm, a "going-through-it", and a series of fails, I am finally here with your reviews!
I know your chief interests are the storytelling mechanics and the worldbuilding, so I'll focus on those before jumping to other things. First, the journal to third to journal to third change is, I think, perfectly fine. I think it works very well in this context and comes across perfectly naturally the way that you've set it up in the initial exchange between Mark and Cyril (whose very beginning I really enjoy). You can definitely sense the shift between factual and confident initial entries to facts juxtaposed against independent thought to generalized uncertainty as it moves forward too.
Obviously I'm in Chapter 1 so I don't know for sure where or how long or what path the story is taking, but I do feel like this emerging consciousness, the questioning, the acting on it, the "subversion" if you will occurs quite rapidly. I think that pace would make a lot more sense if CYRIL were off meds too, but ATM it just feels a little fast to me on a visceral and intellectual level.
I like the worldbuilding you've done so far, which opens really strong while also developing Cyril and his place within it nicely from the word go. You seem to have created a world that is a nice little blend of dystopias - I notice a parallel primarily with A Brave New World, but also allusions to potential Hunger Games and/or 1984 situations with the Districts and the children. I'm very interested to see how it unfolds.
Of course I'd also be remiss not to give a shout-out to my boy Big Daddy Dingle because, well...obviously :p
Thanks for being brave enough to share your OF with the world! I hope to come back to the next three chapters tomorrow (but for real this time)!
Heya, Kevin! Thanks for coming by and taking a look at my concerns! :D
That's excellent news -- I was hoping to be able to make a discernable enough difference between Mark and Cyril's voices to show the signs of being on the medication versus being off it. I think the pacing has a lot to do with the being on the precipice of coming to and Cyril's past (which isn't revealed as of in this chapter), as well as trying to keep this around/under 15 chapters, but I will definitely take a peek at the pacing and see what I can do about the onset of realizations. Big Daddy Dingle is the man ;) . Thanks so much for stopping in to look at this again! <3
Hi Rumpels! I'm back!!
Ahhhhhhh omg they had a relationship before this! That explains so much of their chemistry, and why Mark knew so much. But gah, that's so heartbreaking, especially because Mark remembers it and has to look Cyril in the eye and act as if there's no history there, other than the occasional dropped hint (the angst!!!). On that note, I really love that you've started this chapter from Mark's POV - I think it helps establish a lot of really important details that we couldn't get from Cyril's POV due to the meds situation, like aforementioned previous relationship, and the Underground, and whatever event happened before this that had gotten Mark and Cyril in trouble.
And Amelia! I had a feeling that the woman at the patisserie end up being significant, since she knew Cyril's name and all, so I love that you've introduced her properly in this chapter. She's clearly got a lot of spunk, with her whole 'seduce and recover' comment - I'm curious to learn more about her as the story progresses, especially how she knows Mark and Cyril, and how she fits into their newly revealed backstory.
Unrelated to the actual review, but 'if you think she's spunky, cover your monkey' is freaking hilarious. I'm dead, Rumpels. Dead.
As for the leap from Mark's POV to Cyril's journal entries, I think the transition is smooth enough - the heading makes it obvious that we're looking at journal entries again. If you wanted to make it even more distinguishable, you could throw a line break in there to fully break them into two pieces?
If I recall correctly, you mentioned something in your response to my previous review about there being some sort of emotional response to things you've got a strong connection with (like children), even though your memory is wiped. You've really written that wonderfully here, with Cyril's response to the poetry that Mark gave him. He can't figure out why his body's reacting in the way that it does, but it happens nonetheless; your descriptions of the swell of emotions and his heart and the tears that he doesn't understand - it perfectly captures that combination of powerful emotions and confusion about the source of said emotions. Seriously, that whole last section was just really beautifully written.
Gah, okay, I know I was supposed to provide guidance for editing, but I genuinely have nothing helpful to add other than my general squealing about everything. I like that you've teased the concept of both the Underground and the Outsiders - two very different alternative societies to the Sovereignty - in this chapter, and I hope that they'll get explored a little more in future chapters, because they seem incredibly interesting! Like, why have neither of them attempted to overthrow the Sovereignty yet? (Or have they tried and failed?)
This was such a wonderful and emotional second chapter, and I love how you've continued to build this world out in a way that still leaves room for plenty of questions.
Taylor, your reviews are always awesomesauce.
Aha, one miniature plot twist! o7 I've always thought of plot twists best served towards the latter half of a piece because it changes the entire perspective of the first half, which is essentially supposed to be the brilliance of them, isn't it? I decided not to play by the rules. But, yeah, it does make for a sad life in Mark's book. I kinda felt like I had to switch back and fourth between Mark and Cyril because of the meds. I mean, I could have just kept moving forward with Cyril and filled in the blanks as we went along, but I really wanted to establish Mark's motives right off the bat, and it makes it so much easier on me for worldbuilding purposes.
Amelia's my Gryffindor. :P I've had a lot of fun with her, especially because I have tended to lean on her for a bit of comic relief, but she's one of my favorite female OCs I've written so far. I've always loved a good, strong female OC, but I generally also pair them with an awkward, misfit side, whereas I explored more of a comedic, intelligent, strong female character with Amelia and have really loved the results. Unfortunately, I haven't written much of Amelia off of the outline, so I'm anxious to really introduce her in all her glory. I just hope she's received as well as I'd like her to be.
:D I'm so happy you liked my Sex Ed Slogan. (I totally came up with that before I even finished outlining this thing...I was determined to slide it in somewhere.)
Ahh, a line break is an excellent suggestion. That'll probably help smooth over the transition, thank you :)!
And yaay! I'm really glad that you thought the unknown feelings were well done. I was sort of nervous that that part was going to feel forced (almost cliched in the amnesia trope), but I definitely want the concept of some sort of imprint to be shown in this -- that there's something stronger than medication and government and being told what you should be thinking and feeling and knowing.
Yes, I will definitely be delving into the Underground and, eventually the Outside -- though to be perfectly honest the Outside won't be revealed as much until the sequel, which I also have outlined but until I force myself to write, it is nothing but a motivator to finish WLC. And I do explain more specifically about why they haven't revolted, and it does have a LOT to do with there being so many innocent people that would get caught up in the mix (plus a truth about the Children's District that puts a damper on things).
O/ Thanks so much, Taylor! <3
Rumpels, I came across this while validating, and omg. I'm completely in love with it. I wish I had time to leave a better review, but I feel like if I wait, I won't get around to reviewing for like months, and I'd rather just... you know, review now. :P I love the dystopian feel, I love your premise, I love their dynamic, and I love literally everything about this omfg.
Hi, Branwen! O/ This review is lovely -- thanks so much! I'm so happy that you like it! <3333