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Name: ReillyJade (Signed) · Date: 05 Mar 2019 08:43 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy

Hi, there! I'm here with your requested review!

 

I like that you fleshed out the characters a little more in this chapter, particularly Skyler. In the first chapter, as much as I loved him, I was worried he was going to fall into Gary Stu-territory, and that he would be nothing more than Lea's flawless sidekick. But, in this chapter, you gave him some background. I like that you showed how Lea was a disruption to him - not in a bad way, necessarily, but her coming into the picture did create some turbulence between him and the friends he already had. To add to it, he's obviously still trying to balance those friendships with his loyalty to Lea, and that's causing some realistic tension for him.

 

Furthermore, I like how you made it a point to show how Freddie is kinder when he's not in the company of James or other friends. He seems like he gets so concerned with upholding a particular image (which, in his case, is "cool" and taking everything in stride), that there's actually a softer, more vulnerable side to him that he's not letting on. I genuinely believed him when he said he was sorry, solely for the reason that he was alone with Lea and not having to put on a show so to speak. 

 

Lea's responses to her Animagi quiz broke my heart. Out of ALL the things she could have rewritten in history, that's what she chose? It illustrates how little she thinks of herself and her own existence, and it's saddening to read. And it just gets worse when the one thing it seems like she actually liked about herself (her athletic ability) got tarnished by James and Fred's antics... gahhh, it's so sad! I do hopw that throughout this story, she regains confidence in herself and comes to learn that her hardships don't define her.

 

I do think she forgave Freddie a little too easily, but she does come across to me as impulsive, so maybe that has something to do with it. Also, she seems to be yearning for friendship. Not to mention, could she be feeling guilty about how she's created tension between Skyler and his friends? She'd never admit that, of course, as she's far too proud for that, but it's a possibility. 

 

Great work, yet again!

 

Cheers,

Reilly



Name: StarFeather (Signed) · Date: 04 Mar 2019 07:55 AM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy

ah, Adam's apple and voice changing, I remember my child's time. Boys change suddenly, I guess girls do as well, that's why Skyler or Freddie care much more about Selwyn who also must be changing to a woman from a little girl Potter or Freddie had bullied or they might have a feeling towards her since they were kids. To draw attention from her, they might have enchanted her broom when she tried flying.

 

I predict a kind of triangle relationship from here: Selwyn, Skyler and Freddie or James Potter.

You mentioned animagi, which I think interesting guessing they will be the new marauders doing animagi secretly or not? 

A party hosted by Potter let us expect more exciting scenes next. I wonder if Potter and Freddie will keep bullying Selwyn. I reckon they won't. Some of them may even escort her or dance with her...romance may be happening... or not? I am intrigued.

 

 



Name: StarFeather (Signed) · Date: 28 Feb 2019 10:54 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

'Error in the Cosmos' is the unique title. I wonder if it indicates the protagonist's angst who apparently was not born with a silver spoon like the other purebloods such as Draco Malfoy or Pansy. Leanna's situation seems to be similar to Tom Riddle's, which might have made her Slytherin and I think of Harry's situation. I am very curious to know how Albus Potter will take a role to have friends with her in the future.


 James seems to have tried  hating  Slytherins generally, which I think he must have had the same characteristic as his mother, Ginny.  I guess Albus who has more Harry-ish characteristic in him. It's intriguing to imagine how he will get involved in the endless rivalry between Gryffindors and Slytherins. 


  I smiled while I spotted Neville and Hannah Longbottom. It is nice of his son to have chosen Slytherin House for Leanna in spite of the fact he was Hufflepuff through and through,  at the same time I believe his Hufflepuff characteristic let him act like that, Hufflepuff thinks friendship very important. 


 


I think you did a great start. Let's do review swap again.


 


 



Name: ReillyJade (Signed) · Date: 26 Feb 2019 07:58 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Hi there! I'm here with your requested review! :)

 

Despite this only being the first chapter, you set up a really interesting dynamic between your main characters. Truthfully, I have mixed feelings about them (except Skyler; I adore him lol). Both Lea and James are obviously very competitive, which isn't a bad thing in itself. However, they do get rather mean about it, don't they? With Lea going out of her way to analyze the inadequacy of James's defensive spells, and James's harsh comments toward Lea at the end, they're both very difficult to like. But at the same time, they are fourth-years, so they're only 14 or 15 years old. Kids aren't exactly saints at that age, and they can be very immature and impulsive. What I'm trying to say is that you've written these two in a realistic manner, so even though it might seem like I'm being negative about your characterization, it's actually a compliment! It's hard to write teenagers, and you've done exceptionally well in that regard.

 

Despite me being not-so-fond of Lea at this moment in time, I still find her to be a compelling character. She's obviously been through a lot, and while that doesn't excuse her behavior, it does explain it (at least somewhat). I'm really intrigued by her, and she's definitely someone I want to learn more about. Because she's obviously not a bad person, you know? She's just... well, she's got a lot on her plate, and she throws up her shields quicker than others. She may not be entirely likeable personality-wise, but she's nonetheless well written, and I applaud you for that; it's hard to write characters that aren't 100% likeable and still make them interesting. 

 

My one concrit for this would be to keep an eye on punctuation, particularly with dialogue. I noticed several spots in which dialogue had quotation marks, but was lacking proper punctuation to end the sentence, be it a period or question mark. It's definitely not a huge deal, but it's worth keeping in mind for future chapters. 

 

All-in-all, this seems like it's going be an interesting story about growing up, maturing, and learning how to love not only others, but oneself. And coming-of-age stories tend to be some of my favorites, so color me intrigued! :)

 

This was a great introduction to your story! Thanks for stopping by my request thread! 

 

Cheers,

Reilly

 



Name: Noelle Zingarella (Signed) · Date: 26 Feb 2019 12:02 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins


Hi Downbelow! I’m here for review swapping goodness.


The first line of chapter one is such an excellent hook. “The truth of the matter is that Gryffindors are scum.” I had to stop for a minute right there and appreciate the beauty of the line. 


You have a nice tone to your writing. In this first chapter you’ve given us a nice picture of Leanna and Skyler. Leanna has a distinctive narrative voice and I’m already curious to know more about her. I also like some of the descriptive details you give us about the setting. This paragraph: “He props himself on his elbow…..Dragon incident he talks so much about” was excellent. You start setting this idyllic evening by the lake, but throw in a twist about the lake seeming a bit creepy. And I agree, who knows what Hagrid has got swimming in there.


I already love Skyler and Leanna’s relationship. They seem so close and to really care about each other. I think they are lucky to have each other, especially as Leanna in particular seems to have a bit of trouble with other kids at school. I like how you show us her conflict with Potter and all of his many relatives. It would be hard to be at Hogwarts in this era and not be one of the “in” crowd, I imagine. There’s just so much history to live up to and around.



Oh my, Potter is so mean to Leanna. Your line “What little he said he did so calmly, and it broke what it had to break perfectly.” punched me in the gut. Well written.


I’m glad Leanna had Skyler to comfort her. And going from that scene into the reveal about her being abandoned—twice—I feel so bad for her and I want to punch Potter in the nose (and I’m a Gryffindor!). I am so happy that Neville and Hannah took Leanna in.


I’m looking forward to more of the story. Nice start!


Yours,

 

Noelle



Name: bsk (Signed) · Date: 12 Feb 2019 11:44 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy

Don't mind me, just your neighborhood review swapper back for more.

 

Ok, so I know I'm supposed to be sleeping but I literally couldn't stop reading. Also, side note you deserve more reviews. As I said before, your take on next gen characters is one that is quite refreshing and welcomed with open arms! Random question, but why does Lea refer to Mrs. Longbottom as Mrs. L and not by her first name or something? The story is moving along really well and easily, I almost forget I'm reading to be honest. I really like the way you portray Skyler and Lea, he's so protective of her and i really enjoy reading it. I almost feel bad for him, I mean it must be hard having to balance someone you care about so deeply with people that the person you care about doesn't really get on with.

 

Of courseee James knows exactly what an Animagus is ahah. It kind of surprises me how easily she forgives Freddie even though he tormented her for a while. I'm sure bullying can have a lasting impact on a person's psyche and I suppose it shows what a kind person she is. I like that even though Freddie was a jerk he seems to have evolved in a way, he's at least aware that his actions weren't that nice. I will say though, that definitely couldn't be me! I kind of almost wished she'd exercise that Slytherin viciousness but in a way I'm kind of psyched to see where the rest of the story is headed. But I'm also really into the way you portray Slytherins, well done on another great chapter!

 

 



Name: bsk (Signed) · Date: 12 Feb 2019 11:30 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

So I told myself to go to bed instead of reading fics but of course here I am. What can I say? I'm a sucker for next gen fics and yours is really good! First of all I can already tell I'm going to really like Lea, she's so funny and complex.The first line got me hook line and sinker and it's really interesting. I really loved the setting of the chapter and your descriptions made the scene come to life very nicely. Lea is a likeable protagonist and I can't help but root for her. Her commentary is so funny and I love that she hates James Potter for some reason. I also died when she referred to them as the 'ginger clan'. I have to say, I'm a bit relieved she didn't automatically pine or swoon over him right away.

I've got to be honest James seems so rude and arrogant. You've managed to explore a lot of his negative qualities in the first chapter itself and I really like that. Also this is probably the first fic I've read where Fred's interest in Potions actually exists and it's refreshing. I'm loving the friendship between Skyler and Lea! I literally need someone like him in my life. Your characterizations and dialogue have me hooked and I can't wait to read more. I really enjoyed reading this chapter and will definitely be back for more :)



Name: galadriel (Signed) · Date: 08 Feb 2019 06:30 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Hello! I'm here for our swap. So sorry for the wait. 

 

I always love reading Next Gen stories for the sheer number of possibilities that are present for the characters since we don't know much about them, and the opening line of this chapter got me hooked onto yours - who doesn't like a story with a bitter Slytherin perspective? Bring on all the angst. :D

 

The first conversation between Lea and Skyler is so interesting, with the promise of a lot of drama to come. I have mixed feelings towards Lea. Initially, I was feeling sad for her because it's not nice being embarrassed by someone. But then the bit about her analysing Fred's defeat makes it seem like this is an ongoing war between them, with constant efforts to belittle one another. I'm curious to know how and why this started, and what pitted them against each other. 

 

I like how you've characterised Fred and his talent for potions coming from him father's interest in them. That was a wonderful bit of detail. And Slughorn seems as sluggy as ever with his blatant adoration of Fred. I wonder if we'll see the Slug Club come up some time in this story. :D 

 

I wonder what happened to Lea to make her less enthusiastic about gathering ingredients. Is she trying to cut down on her competitiveness? There seem to be undertones of some deeper insecurities here, I can't wait to find out more about her character.

 

Ouch. That was downright nasty of James. I mean, it's one thing to analyse a battle or gloat over doing something first, but to someone so personally like that was just way too harsh. Poor Lea. 

 

I'm a little curious to know why she refers to Fred as Fred but James as Potter though. It would seem more natural to consistently use surnames/first names for both of them, unless I'm missing something here and there's something more to it? 

 

Skyler is an absolute angel and such a wonderful, genuine friend to Lea. I also sense he has deeper feelings for her, and downright hated the rumours going around about there being something between Lea and Potter. I hope they stay together this way, their relationship remaining as close as ever later on as well without anyone else getting in the way. 

 

The flashback to her childhood and how Lea ended up staying with the Longbottoms was so interesting and I'm really curious to know more about her backstory. I love the way you brought in her first use of magic as well. 

 

I wonder why she's unsure of Victoire's name at the end. Wouldn't Lea know who all the Prefects are? And since she lived with the Longbottoms, I doubt she'd be unaware of the Weasleys' names? I'm mostly surprised since she has a really good memory and it wouldn't be like her to forget names. 

 

Great first chapter, hun, I'm really curious to see where it goes next! Thank you for the swap. :) 

 

nim.



Name: TreacleTart (Signed) · Date: 07 Feb 2019 01:22 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Hey there!

 

 

 

I'm here for our review swap! I love seeing how different authors envision the next generation kids, so this looks like it should be fun.

 

 

 

At first, I was very confused by the chip on Leanna's shoulder. She seemed bitter and angry and I couldn't figure out why, but as I read more of the chapter it started to make sense. After everything she's been through, I think anyone would feel a bit angry or like the world was against them.

 

 

 

I have to say that James Potter is a huge jerk in this. I mean I know that Leanna wasn't exactly nice to him either, but what he said was way too mean. He could've teased her or even insulted her without cutting her that deep. I think he did that with the intention of making her cry.

 

 

 

Skyler is a total sweetheart. Where do I find a best friend like him?

 

 

 

I do have to say that I'm a bit confused by Leanna not being sure which Weasley reprimands her. If she was adopted by the Longbottoms, I'm sure she'd know the Potter and Weasley kids at least well enough to know their names. I mean Neville was very close with Ginny, Harry, Ron, and Hermione.

 

 

 

All in all, I'm very interested to see where this goes next. I originally thought it would be a hate turned to love type thing, but after James' harsh words, it doesn't seem likely. Let me know if you'd like to swap again sometime.

 

 

 

~Kaitlin




Name: javu (Signed) · Date: 29 Jan 2019 11:45 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Ginny Weasley

So maybe you referenced this earlier, but I can't remember... why are Lea and Ginny so close? Isn't it a bit weird considering that Lea and James don't get along? Or maybe it's just weird for James?

 

Does Lea know ancient Egyptian, or Arabic? that she can understand the voice and Ginny doesn't?

 

I liked  everything you made-up with Ginny's broom company. You have a knack for creating new fun things to add to the HP universe. Like, I never considered specialized broomsticks, but when I read this, I was like "well, why hasn't someone thought of this before?!" So yeah.

 

It's offiial. It's a Lea/James shipped story. Ginny's comment about James liking but not having a girlfriend. But also: so James wants a girlfriend. Huh. I mean, why not, but like it's interesting to now know that he's activily wanting a girlfriend. I'm eager to see where this leads!

 

For the nonverbal magic, in the future, I recommend making it more noticable. The arms in the last scene was more obvious, but in the shop it wasn't. When I went back and read it is when it became clear. Maybe have her think to herself, "Why are things flying at my face?" Or some sort of 'why is this happening' because she's not intentionally doing magic, so it shouldn't be flying at her face. Besides that, I do like the nonverbal magic aspect. I think it's really different and I don't think I've ever read someone doing nonverbal magic like this in a fanfic. 

 

I really feel like there's more to Skyler. Like he knows that he likes her, or something? He was so angry there in that last scene. Which I kind of get. Lea can barely tolerate gifts her whole life, but the second she gets some money, she buys everyone else gifts. Granted, she's showing love, but it's also a bit hypocritical. But it seems like she's growing :) 

 

James at the last scene... I'm not sure what to make of it. Does he like her? For reals? Hmmm...

 

Alwynse for RvG January Go GOLD and Menagerie.



Name: javu (Signed) · Date: 28 Jan 2019 06:49 PM · starstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: The Big Reveal

Can I just say how much I LOVE the scene with her and Freddy in the owlry?!?!?!??! Forget James! Disregard Skyler! FREDDY ALL THE WAY! Ugh, and his character depth! I don't think I've ever seen someone write Freddy this deep! In fics he's always the jokester, the prankster, the promiscuous jock. But that line, "And here I am always feeling like a ghost because all my dad tries to see is his dead brother every time he looks at me. That's just half of it... the rest of time I feel second rated because James is the best at everything and the favourite of absolutely everyone -- being the reincarnation of a war hero and all." He's insecure. And I love it! I love how you painted him here. And he gets to be all vulnerable when Lea is feeling vulnerable and my heart is just like, "Yes. I will ship you forever." And it's going to break my heart when she and James get together. If he likes her (probably does already) and then James gets to be with her and Freddy doesn't no no no no my heart! But good job making me feel those things!

 

And I love how Lea could open up to him. The reasonable, logical half of my brain is like, "No. Mental break-downs are bad. She should find a good coping mechanism. She should feel secure in who she is and that her adoptive parents love her and it doesn't matter about her bad parents." But the other half of my brain is like "Yeeesss! Cry! Open! Break! and LeT FreDdy LOVE YOU!"

 

Why is Skyler angry? Is it to do with the fact that he's worried about Lea in that situation? Or is he jelly about her spending time with Freddy!? Homeboy better watch out. 

 

So my critique is that, I'm not sure how to explain it. But it's like there's a lack of meshy-melding between the interpersonal drama plotline and the Selwyn plotline. I'm reading along, and I'm just eating up the drama and the flirting and her growing friendship with Freddy. And Freddy apologizing about how he's treated her when he has no idea. But then like, it just feels like the whole thing with Neville hunting down her biological parents. And it's just a coincidence that Neville interrogated her father and such. (Well, there's that too. It feels not quite realistic. Chance happenings can happen -- and they should in writing, but I should feel like, "there was a one-in-a-million chance of that happening and IT HAPPENED!" Not like, "Well, of course Neville interrogated her father." Like, it feels like it should have been a plot twist, and you didn't write it as such?) 

 

Or... maybe (and I'm just speculating here) it was the order of events. First was her break-down, and then Freddy. And that was pretty big. Her reaction was huge. And she and Freddy grew closer as friends. Compared to that, her reactions to finding out she's an empath, that her adoptive dad found and interrogated her biological dad, and that her biological dad left her a letter and doesn't seem to be a total douchebag, were not as big. But maybe her new friendship with Freddy was more important than those things? Idk. 

 

Sorry for the critiques... Realistic character reactions/developments/consequences are my jam.

 

Alwynse for RvG January and Menagerie. 



Name: javu (Signed) · Date: 28 Jan 2019 05:15 PM · starstarstarstarhalf-star [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Midnight surprise

First of all, I love how long and meaty your chapters are. My ideal chapter length is in the 4k-5k range.

 

Okay, to business. There were so many things that I loved about this chapter! It really pains me how Lea feels like she's a burden to the Longbottoms. They clearly want to just love on her. And I'm sure they'd have no problem buying her a broom and spoiling her rotten if she let them. But I'm happy that at the end of the chapter, she could open up more and accept gifts. 

 

The DADA scene = <3 Chang's lecture was interesting. But let's talk about the love triangle. Or love rectangle? She looked to James when she read "hottest guy in our class" !!! Though, I don't think that it's because she necessarily does think that, but more out of that she thinks he would consider himself to be the hottest, ya know? You balanced their dynamics well -- Lea peeking at James, but also laughing with Freddy and bonding with him.

 

Why does Professor Chang glance at Lea for just a moment? Are the two death eaters in the story related to Lea somehow? Hm? I wonder.

 

I'm impressed that Lea was able to talk about her feelings with Freddy. I feel like he wasn't expecting that emotional devulge from her. But she did it. And she was honest and sincere with him. Which shows that she is, and can be honest and sincere, she's just afraid and doesn't let her guard down with most people. I do hope she tries out for Quidditch. And that she completely wipes the smirk of James' face doing it. 

 

I do hope Freddy will keep up this "hottest guy in the class" line in future chapters. It makes me laugh. I like guys that are confident and funny like that. I heard someone say once that confidence isn't believing that you'll never fail; confidence is knowing you'll be okay even if you fail. That was in the context of love. I think it was in a vlog or something. They were comparing two different characters, and how one guy pursued this girl and she rejected him and rejected him, but he just rolled off the rejection. And that was confidence. I'm not saying I think Freddy is like that, per se, but his cockiness with "hottest guy in the class" reminds me of that :) 

 

As for who to root for... hm. I feel like she's going to end up with James. But at this point, I want her to end up with Freddy. But I'm like 95% certain it's going to be James. 

 

Alwynse for RvG January and Menagerie. 



Name: potionspartner (Signed) · Date: 27 Jan 2019 06:14 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy


I agree wholeheartedly with your opening statement. Gryffindors are jerks and disagree with chapter one’s end notes. Those boys are not just boys. They are bullies and the worst type. That wasn’t just a one time jinx at Leanna when she was on a broom. It was multiple times to the point it changed her belief in herself.


In my opinion, she forgives Freddie way too easily after four years of bullying and keeping her grounded. Yes, it was an act of trust to give her his broom (and probably insanity because I would have walked over to the Whopping Willow with it.) but I find it hard to believe four years of malice would be erased with one ride on a broom.

 

However, it creates a nice tentative friendship for which Lea to get to know the Marauders, 2nd Generation.



Name: potionspartner (Signed) · Date: 27 Jan 2019 04:25 PM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Great introduction. It really grabs your attention and, unfortunately, for the perspective of some, so true.  You bring up another valid pointin the first few sentences. Why do they perpetually put Gryffindors and Slytherins together knowing it causes so many problems. Maybe the teachers just like overseeing detentions.


The thin line between love and hate. Which side is she on with Potter? Unknown at the moment, but you are right about one thing. Skyler is an angel. What a wonderful friend, better than she could ask for. (Honestly a friend who does more than give you the shirt off his back. He puts your type of (sorting) hat on his own head, but then I’m not too surprised. His dad was an angel too.

 

Potter, despite the jerk he is, does make a good point. You need a lot more than the ability to remember information to be successful. Perhaps Leanna should depend less on her memory and work on her people skills.



Name: ShadowRose (Signed) · Date: 20 Jan 2019 10:39 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Midnight surprise

Hello again!

 

Okay, so I feel like we really start to get a good idea of Leanna’s softer side in this chapter? Especially getting the letter from Skyler’s mum, who signs her letters to Leanna as ‘mum’ anyways,  because you kinda see just how unfamiliar she is with the idea of having people who genuinely care about her because of how she grew up, so she’s still freaking out about it a little bit. And her hesitancy to play Quidditch because she’d be too much of a burden too - I think it’s all starting to show that she’s a good bit softer inside than she appears at first glance. I hope that side of her will develop even more as the story progresses.

 

Gah, I still love Freddy so much. Like, the whole signing the letter as ‘from the hottest boy in the class’ just to get Leanna to accidentally show that she thinks James is hot is hilarious, as is his comment after Leanna and James end up all over each other in the middle of class. (On that note, love that random moment of tension between the two of them during what’s clearly smack dab in the middle of a class.)

 

Also omg I love Professor Chang - "Please do have the decency to fall on your face when you fall asleep next time, Selwyn.” is incredible, as is the whole lecture about defensive magic. And I like the snippet of James’ personality we get in this section as well, because at this point we’ve really only seen him being a bit of an ass to Leanna, but he’s also clearly really smart and cheeky as well.

 

I love that Leanna now has an owl representative of her personality - that was incredibly sweet for Hannah to have gone through that effort for her, and a tiny, aggressive owl is perfect. The bracelet thing is also really interesting - I’m curious as to who she’ll end up getting a gift from, because I have a hunch that might end up being significant?

 

One little question that I was a bit confused about - is there a theme for the Bunk Night? You mentioned that there was and that there wasn’t a few times, so that one detail got a little fuzzy.

 

Anyways, lovely chap and I’m excited for future updates!

 

-Taylor

Written for the Magical Menagerie event and January RvG



Name: Crimson Quill (Signed) · Date: 19 Jan 2019 05:11 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Hey!

OMG. WOW. this girl is tough, you really went straight into this story like head first which I like but I'm personally offended by the first line :P but I think Lea *may* have a slight biased against Gryffindor, you know just maybe. I kinda made me laugh how brutal she is. 

 

I do like Skyler though, he seems like the straight talking friend that Lea needs to balance her out a bit. I like that diymic they have as friends. Literally all your characters are totally savage, I kinda love it?? I live for the outrageous though so I'm pretty interested where you are taking these two characters.

 

I guess in the second half of the story you flesh out a bit of Leanna's background which is interesting to starts to make her seem a bit more understandable I guess. She has been through a lot of in her life but she is lucky to have Longbottoms. Skyler is an angel, I love that he wanted to be Leanna. He is a true hufflepuff <3

 

- Abbi xo

 

For: Magical Menagerie/RvG 

 



Name: ShadowRose (Signed) · Date: 11 Jan 2019 10:26 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy

Hello! I’m back again for chapter 2!

 

Man, Skyler really is in a weird position, isn’t he? Being friends with the Potter/Weasleys but also being close with Leanna, who hates all of them. That’s an awkward situation to balance, but it  seems like he does it well enough. I also just really enjoyed this line as well - “I wouldn't simply die for him - dying is easy. I would kill for him. I would totally kill for him.” - because I think it kinda gets at Leanna’s character so far really well? She doesn’t seem to have a lot of confidence in herself (regardless of what she exudes) but is definitely a stereotypical Slytherin, hence the willingness to kill for Skyler, haha.

 

I get the feeling this Bunk Night will be an interesting event - and the way James asked her to it is so fitting for their relationship thus far. Unrelated, but Freddy’s scoff at ‘best friend’ makes me wonder if maybe Skyler’s feelings go deeper than that? OoOoOooh I smell ~drama~

 

Also, on the note of Freddy, I like him already. I think he’s got an interesting character and yes, was a bit of an ass in first year for hexing Leanna the way that he and James did, but he seems genuinely remorseful for it now. And I feel like his comment in Transfiguration about how he, James, and Skyler were really close until she came along says a lot about their motivation to do what they did to her in the first place. It doesn’t justify their actions, but it does give them a clearer motive.

 

But wow, I can certainly imagine how, when Leanna had built so much of her 11-year-old personality on being the sporty type, how that kind of prank would have much deeper implications than Freddy or James even anticipated. 

 

I love how happy she was by the end of this - after everything that’s happened in the first two chapters, I feel like she deserves at least *something* to cheer her up. I really like her dynamic with Freddy after all of this and am interested to see how that friendship develops throughout the story as well. 

 

Great chapter - I’m excited for the next update!

 

-Taylor

Written for the Magical Menagerie event and January RvG



Author's Response:

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyy :D So nice to see you back Taylor.

 

Yesss! Leanna is a typical Slytherin. I might be in the process of changing the landscape of a typical Slytherin though (Evil smirk). But I promise I won’t make you regret.

YESSSS! The Bunk Night is something you’ll never expect it to be, from the beginning to the end. I’m currently in the process of writing it and I’m super excited!

Skyler’s feelings for Leanna… you don’t know the half of it *Smirk* *Smirk* (As you can see, people in my stories either smirk or chuckle a lot because… well… I do…)

I will give more context into this hexing business as the story develops. I know it makes James seem really evil, but there’s always two sides to a story :D

THANKS YOU SO MUCH ONCE AGAIN for the lovely review <3



Name: ShadowRose (Signed) · Date: 11 Jan 2019 10:25 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Hi! This story caught my eye because omg there aren’t enough good JSP/OC stories out there, and I can’t believe I hadn’t read this one yet!

 

Right from the start, I really think you’ve done a great job establishing your main character - she’s already got a ton of dimension in this first chapter, from the backstory you establish with her getting abandoned as a child and eventually taken in by the Longbottoms, which really leads into that constant desire to prove herself, even at the expense of other people (namely, James). And on that note, James is already such an interesting character already as well; I don’t particularly *like* him at this point in the story, although that’s probably because we see him from Leanna’s perspective, and it’s a bit difficult to point out positive qualities in someone you hate. I’ll be interested to see what he’s like in the rest of the story - if he ever softens up or matures a little bit, or if that streak of malice stays with him.

 

I really loved this line - “What little he said he did so calmly, and it broke what it had to break perfectly.” It’s just a nice poetic end to that scene and really shows just how poignantly James’ comments absolutely hit everything about Leanna right on the head.

 

And Skyler… well, your author’s note is truly right on the nose. He’s an angel already - I love that he intentionally chose Slytherin just to be with Leanna, and that he’s constantly her rock and source of support throughout this chapter. He seems like such a good person (although tbh, I’m entirely unsurprised that Neville and Hannah’s child would turn out like that, lol).

 

This is off to a great start, and I’m excited to see how the story develops!

 

-Taylor

Written for the Magical Menagerie event and January RvG



Author's Response:

Omg.. I can’t believe you're reviewing my story because OMG YOU WROTE COMPLICATED! THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST FICS I HAD EVER READ! You probably don’t know me because I’ve left anonymous reviews and ratings in your story, because I didn’t have an account back then.

If you really do get hooked, you'll hate James for a while (I know you LOVE James so please don't hate me). It's not that he's evil incarnate but well... you'll see why. 

Leanna's and Skyler's relationship is weird, to say the least. I didn't get into it that deeply yet. There'll be times when you totally wouldn't understand what he's doing and other times you'll be like "What's wrong with this author?" But I assure you, it'll all be ironed out eventually. 

I really hope I don’t give you cause to leave the story.



Name: javu (Signed) · Date: 03 Jan 2019 09:51 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: Leanna and Freddy

Back for your request review!

 

I just wanna say props to you for fleshing out a Slytherin so well. Lea is selective about her people and she's incredibly loyal to them. She's terrified that Skyler is going to ditch her in the future. She's okay with having her circle be small, but she's afraid to be alone and abandoned again. And the line, "I wouldn't simply die for him - dying is easy. I would kill for him. I would totally kill for him."

 

I really like the scene between Lea and Freddie. It shows a vulnerable side to Lea, which I like. And then when Freddie gives her his broomstick, I feel like it's a healing moment for her. It's good! However, be careful. You said in your request that this is a JSP/OC ship, but I'm kinda rooting for Freddie/Lea at this point :/ And I'm definitely hoping for her to pick up Quidditch! It seems like it's a hidden/unknown talent and I hope it develops into something. She seems pretty competitive too. And if she plays the same position as James, that could really up the drama. Oho! Yes please! Can this happen?!

 

A critique I have is that you could make character entrances clearer. There were several times that a character entered a scene but you didn't state who it was and I was left trying to guess who. There are times when it can be inferred, but usually that's when character idiosyncreses are established and it's obvious by context who it would be. So like the second scene where James finds her in the astronomy tower. In the scene before, the male was Skyler. So when I read the pronoun "he" I sort of just assumed it was Skyler. Plus it would make sense that he would chase after her.What clued me in that it wasn't Skyler was the fact that the speaker was rude to Lea. And then later with Freddie. The only reference that it's Freddie and not someone else is that she "craned her neck around Freddie." But she could be craning around him where he's standing ten feet away. I guess, to sum it up, it wouldn't hurt to throw in a name instead of all pronouns. 



Author's Response:

Thank you so much for the review! You absolutely made my day. I'm especially thankful for the critique. I'll keep an eye out for that. Since I'm gonna start writing the next chapter today I'll definitely watch it this time.

 

I do have an idea for the whole Freddy / Lea relationship and also for Quidditch. We'll see how this pans out. I really did want you to root for Freddy though :D So yay me! 

 

Again, thank you so so much for this. I'll leave cookies on your doorstep <3



Name: javu (Signed) · Date: 02 Jan 2019 06:42 PM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

Wow. Wow wow wow. I love this start!! It's not often that I get hooked on a story in the first chapter, but I really have! 

 

You have the perfect recipe for a Next Gen JSP focused love story. Main character is sassy, sarcastic, and at odds with James. She has a traumatic backstory which I'm anticipating seeing her own character growth through that. She has a male childhood best friend who's totally sweet and is crushing on her. That's going to blow up later - can't wait! And James is right - she's got a tough outer shell. But she's rather sensitive and vulnerable inside. Don't we just love those types?!

 

At first I thought James was going to be the JSP that can be mean and cocky, but really has a soft underside. But no... he's mean. I'm eager to see where this goes and how he changes through the story.

 

To answer your request, I'm giving this chapter a 10/10. I think you're conveying the story well. It's engaging and your pacing is good. I love long chapters, but this was good enough sized. You covered enough for the first chapter, I think. You introduced the main characters, the interpersonal conflict, and a bit about her backstory. I'm left wanting more. In fact, my biggest and only disappointment is that there's only two chapters out! When I was a third of the way through this chapter, I was like, "I wanna binge this." But, obvi, I can't. And that's sad. But it is what it is!

 

Alwynse.



Author's Response:

Hiii!!!

 

Gah I'm so sorry for the late response. Every time I see a review, I run to write the next chapter which is really bad of me :( But I really didn't want to give a one or two word response too, you know?

 

So here I am for a full-blown conversation :D

 

Haha yes! I've made James a bit bad on this. Leanna's emotions are also very very difficult to relate to sometimes. But her character as well as Skyler's are based on two real people. Leanna’s counterpart is the most empathic person I know whose mind and emotions work very differently to others. You’ll come across situations where you’ll say to yourself, “Huh? That just doesn’t seem right” but I assure you that it’ll be ironed out with her character development.

 

I do hope you stick around (You’ve already reviewed so much! Please don’t leave me). Please do keep telling me if I don’t make sense at any point. I tend to do that.

 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT AND THE RATING AND EVERYTHING OMG I LOVE YOU. 



Name: Anonymous (Anonymous) · Date: 28 Dec 2018 03:50 AM · [Report This]
Story:Error in the Cosmos Chapter: So it begins

That’s an interesting interpretation of the plot yu’ve got there!This is one you could flesh out more and have a novelette.



Author's Response:

Thanks a lot for the review. You were the first *Hugs* Definitely planning on finishing this :)



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