Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 12 Feb 2019 10:56 PM · For: A New Job for an Old Friend: Stan Shunpike

Oh, this story is charming, Potionspartner.  I'm happy to give you a review.  Poor Stan, he never seemed too bright in the books, not Death Eater material at all, but it is easy to believe that the Ministry would scoop up any hapless and unpowerful citizen they could, just to make a pretense to the public of doing something positive against the menace of the Death Eaters.

 

You have characterized Stan, Borgin, and Ernie so well that they are a delight to read.  Each one has a strong and distinctive personality.  The dialogue is great.  The physical details of the Knockturn Alley setting and the actions of Stan before the arrival of Ernie paint a vivid picture in few words.  You manage to pull us back into so many of the aspects of the seven books, and yet all your references fit seamlessly and naturally into the story.

 

You have accomplished a lot in only two thousand words because every line does its duty in adding to the story, no wasted words, no over-writing.

 

The only suggestions I can add are two: In the line "People either viewed him as suspicious or as an idiot, like Mr. Burke," change Burke to Borgin.  Then go over the story carefully to clean up all the typos; you will see them easily.  They dull the sparkle of this story a bit, and when the text is polished up, this little gem will shine.

Author's Response:

Thanks for the review. I know about the typos. I'm terrible at editing my own work and just need to find the time. . . Maybe after the Great Collab and after the FROGS and of course everything in real life. 

Name: Chelts-rhj (Signed) · Date: 27 Jan 2019 11:37 AM · For: A New Job for an Old Friend: Stan Shunpike

Hey! Using this for the menagerie! 

I love all all of your characterization in this, it’s really spot on. Stan does come across the type to take what he can get and just try to get by. You can really feel the despair in him here. I like how his depression was portrayed. He could dry himself, but he didn’t try. He could clean himself off, but he didn’t want to. He just wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend that he was invisible. I feel like that lack of self care is trademark depression. 

Even the small encounter with Borgin was great. His logic for not hiring Atan showed us why even the darker people would shun him. So he really had no where to go. I mean, Lucius claimed to be imperioed the first time but he was still accepted by Voldemort’s followers afterwards because of his cunning and reliability. 

Ernie is awesome. I love that little man. Haha. I definitely see how he would be connected with the knight bus. I mean, he knows all the tricks, pulleys, levers and everything that make her spin. I’m glad that he knows Stan enough realize that he is just a kid with tough luck. 

As for CC, I there were a couple typos. I think if you went through it once or twice you could clear up everything. For example- should be unanimously instead of anonymously being voted innocent. Other than that, there are sometimes when you switch from past to present tense. 

Anyways! I can TOTALLY see Harry recognizing Ernie and then going back to Kingsley and being like “look. Scrimegeor used this kid as a scapegoat and now his life is ruined” and calling in all the favors to help him out. Even though he didn’t really owe him anything at all. 

Great new beginning story! 

Author's Response:

Thanks, Chelts. I'm sure there are a few typos. We were writing (and reviewing) like crazy, weren't we. I'll go clean it up after the Collab is over. I don't want to mess up the judging deadlines. 

Name: StarFeather (Anonymous) · Date: 20 Jan 2019 04:33 AM · For: A New Job for an Old Friend: Stan Shunpike

Before I forget to tell you, I think I spotted a few typos.

 

So the story, is awesome. I like the way how you started and how you concluded. The first half, Stan witnessed the icecream proprietor talking with the girl, which I also enjoyed before, the scene. 

 

Readers, including me feel for Stan who had been innocent through, then people in the Wizarding World didn't believe his innocence. We wish he could find a job, even at Borgin's to eat. The dark story doesn't suit him, we cry together when he was desperate hit by rain.

 

Then you prepared a bright later half, hope and happy ending. My favorite scene is that you let Harry enter via Stan's partner, Ern's story. I really love your description how he found Stan. The episode how they encountered famous Harry Potter is popular, and we know Harry has been worrying about Stan, so you thought of a wonderful story. It's one of the best "New Beginnings" stories along with the purple 'Knight Bus'. :)

 

K

@ Magical Menagerie 2, Team Griffin

 

Author's Response:

Thanks, Kenny!