Hello! I’m finally here with your very belated requested review!
So. I adore JSP/OC stories. A lot. I love that everyone has their own twist on the next gen characters and their own way of bringing them to life, so I’m really excited to see another one being posted to the archives and excited to see your interpretation.
"I know we basically grew up together, but I'd pay James Potter 35 Galleons to punch me in the face." Honestly, what an opening line. I really love that you started right in the middle of a conversation, and with a really notable line to boot, because it really throws the reader right into things and gets them hooked right away. (Also, based on the description of James up to this point, I’m definitely on Zara’s team at this point - I’d rather punch him in the face.)
Alright, but let’s jump into the things you specifically asked for feedback about. Content. I think you’ve got a good thing going in this first chapter - you’ve written a variety of scenarios that allow us to get a good glance at the cast of characters you’re going to be using throughout the story, given us a glance at Zara’s family life, and kind of set up the story for where it’s going to go from here (because those glances between Zara and James are *definitely* the start of something, hehe).
As far as CC, I think the one thing I could suggest is that sometimes you tend to tell certain details instead of showing them; it can sometimes feel like a bit of an info dump to be presented with a full paragraph of description about a character, rather than interspersing it over the course of the story. It’s obviously a bit more tedious to do things that way when you’re writing, especially because there’s so many details you always want your reader to know as soon as they start the story, but it can also get a bit clunky to read paragraphs of description at once.
Unrelatedly, I actually laughed out loud at “Poppy Gibbons swore there was a stable for thestrals and a separate stable for James Potter’s sex dungeon.” because I have a VERY strong feeling that Harry and Ginny would absolutely not approve of their 17-year-old son having a sex dungeon.
As for characters. You’ve got a bunch of them already, some of whom we’ve learned a bit more about, and others who we really only see a glimpse of. There’s always a ton of characters in any next gen novel - given just how many Potter/Weasley kids there are - so it’s definitely a challenge to handle all of them at once. I think, at this point, the characters who we have the strongest grasp on are Alice and Zara, although we’ve kind of gotten notes about James and Albus as well. None of these characters seem particularly one-dimensional at this point, but we’re also very early in the story anyways, and we don’t know all that much about them either. It’ll definitely be interesting to learn more about them - this first chapter kind of provided a bird’s eye view of everyone (especially in the party scene), so I imagine we’ll start to explore some of the characters a bit more in the coming chapters.
I think you’re off to a great start - this chapter kind of gives us only the slightest glimpse into everything that’s about to unfold and the tensions and relationships that already exist between this cast of characters. I’m excited to see where the story goes from here. Thanks for requesting, feel free to come back for the next chapter! :)
Hey there! Welcome to HPFT! I'm finally here with your requested review from the forums, and sorry it took me so long!
First of all, to address one of the things in your areas of concern - don’t ever be afraid to put your story out there! The world can always use more fanfiction :)
I love some of the details you’ve chosen to focus on that are kind of random but really help set the scene and also makes your story unique. Like Dumbly the Pygmy Puff with alopecia haha - poor thing. Now i’m suddenly curious about how long they live and if Pygmy Puffs have health problems like some really small dog breeds. (And also if like, this Pygmy Puff is an Animagus who’s losing its hair because it’s worried that an escaped convict is after it, haha.) I was also kind of amused by some of the magical teenager antics, like Daphne charming her bra, hahaha - it’s like the witch equivalent of putting tissue in the cups XD One of my favorite things in Harry Potter fic is the creativity in the magical equivalents of familiar Muggle ideas.
I love that Parvati reminds her daughter that she went to the Yule Ball with Harry XD I can so see her doing that. It’s a little gossipy, which is a nice nod to teenage Parvati, but also very mum-ish, remembering the good old days and trying to relate it to her daughter, and I like that you show Parvati’s canon personality here and have aged her in a way that fits with her character.
But the sentence that follows that paragraph doesn’t really make sense to me, because it doesn’t relate to what came before: "We weren't" Alice and I chorused. -- They weren’t what?
Other little notes of CC:
A rapt knock at my door -- I don’t know if ‘rapt’ is really the word you’re looking for here, because it means like immersed/captivated by something. Maybe a sharp knock?
Since I am a biologist I feel obligated to point out that in terms of genetics and being half Indian, Dev would likely not have blue eyes (brown is a dominant trait)… but I suppose this isn’t really substantial to the story so I’ll move on and please pardon my science tangent :P
It was hot in England but not that hot. The cool breeze nipped at my skin -- So is it hot or is it cool? I’m having trouble envisioning the scene which seems to be all at once hot, not that hot, cool, and humid. One thing I think might be helpful would be other sensory details. Is Zara shivering because she was dressed for warmer weather? Sweating because it was hot? Confused by the sudden cool breeze and the fact that the temperature keeps shifting? Details like that would really help the reader feel like they’re immersed in the scene rather than just watching from a distance.
You had also asked about the flow of the chapter, and I think it’s good. Just based on this one chapter, it’s a little difficult to tell where the plot is going, but there are some hints -- I suspect there may be tension later on between Alice and Zara both liking James (Zara says she doesn’t here, but also seems to have a hard time looking away from him, lol). Of course, this is the first chapter, and I don’t think it’s necessary for first chapters to indicate where everything is going. Sometimes it really works to have it start out slow and introduce the reader to how things are before the plot picks up, and that’s the vibe I’m getting from this story so far. We’re seeing an average day at the end of summer with Zara and her best friend and her family, just to kind of meet the characters before this party where it seems like things are beginning to change.
In terms of characterization: You had mentioned you were worried about the characters seeming one-dimensional, so I’ll address that. I don’t think they are one-dimensional, but I also feel as if I don’t know them very well. I do think I know Alice better than I know Zara at this point. What stands out about Alice is her love of gossip and general knowledge of things that are going on - this is very consistent throughout the chapter with her reading Witch Weekly, and her being the one to tell Zara about various events and information about people, etc. She’s also consistently outgoing and brazen. With Zara, though, I don’t have quite as much to go on. This is one of the things I often find difficult about writing first person, because you’re in Zara’s head and she’s not going to be describing herself as much, of course. From her dialogue I can see that she’s pretty outspoken, like Alice. But I don’t know what she likes (apart from Niall Wood). The most informative look into Zara’s character was the aside about Dumbly the Pygmy Puff, and how Zara idolizes Dumbledore and has a poster of him - this is wonderful character building stuff :D This is the sort of stuff I think might be nice to add to the chapter - like really specific character quirks. For example - what does she dream of being good at?Does she hate it when she hears someone chewing loudly? Does she have a secret love for History of Magic (or not so secret)? What does she think about on an average day? If you can weave anything like that into the chapter I think it would go a long way towards making Zara a more real, three-dimensional character. Same goes for any other character, really.
(Since that was a long paragraph full of suggestions, I just want to be clear - I do like what you have already! This is just ways to improve upon the good work you’ve already done with your characters. :) )
So to wrap up, I think you have a really good start. I love the best-friendship you’ve developed between Alice and Zara - the way they interact, tease each other, share clothes etc. makes it so clear they’ve been friends for so long, and it just feels like a really solid friendship. I like the introduction we’ve gotten into Zara’s family and I like how you developed Parvati’s character as she’s grown up. I can’t believe James is so oblivious that he hasn’t noticed Zara for 5 years but I’m interested in how things will change now that he finally has, haha! Nicely done on this, and I hope this review is helpful :) Thanks for sharing your story!
Hello! I am here to fill your review request from the Staff Review Thread. The two things you mentioned as areas of concern were content and characterization.
I only read this first chapter, so I feel like that might not be the ideal chapter in a lot of stories to read to get an idea of characterization. This definitely serves as an introductory chapter, especially at the beginning, so there's a lot more listing of traits/facts and working in details about the characters in this chapter than there are likely to be in subsequent chapters. There were a few times (like when the siblings were calling each other by their whole names, and a few other of the family details) when I thought some of the information sharing was a little unnatural. However, you did work it into conversation/description fairly naturally most of the time, especially things that were related to characters' clothing and appearance.
My least favorite thing about this chapter was actually that there were so many characters! Especially at the beginning, I was struggling to keep them straight. I actually think it was a good thing that you worked the party into this chapter, even though it did make it pretty long, because that allowed you to show the characters interacting with each other more. I think that got past a bit of the introductory content and started to flesh the characters out, so that the chapter ends with the characters feeling more like people than fact sheets, if that makes sense. I was feeling more comfortable with which character was which by the end. Next Gen has a really big potential cast of characters anyway, and everyone has a slightly different interpretation of them, so it's definitely a challenge to introduce so many of them.
Speaking of which, I really like that your main character isn't a Potter or Weasley! There definitely are other Next Gen characters to explore, and I like it when people branch out to less common characters (regardless of era, it's something I enjoy).
YES YES YES THEY FINALLY DID IT!
Well... not did it did it but somewehre there.
The balls on James! How can he act all high and mighty when he sleeps with someone different everyday? He really can't justify what he said. He can't accuse her of not feeling when feeling is as small as smiling at someone to him. It's twisted!
Once again, amazing writing on your part. See how I'm screaming at James? That's a reaction to some good writing. you've made me genuingly want to screw AND slap him at the same time, and not in a kinky way. So kudos to that :D
Naw man now I have to wait for the next chapter! How's it coming so far?
Also "James, if she's funny, laugh" THAT'S JOEY RIGHT THERE!
With much love,
Your Sri Lankan friend <3
Hmmm... I think Harper is pregnant. That'll be so much drama though :D
Gah why is Potter so nice in this? I don't think I can get used to it. He's displaying some soul which shouldn't be the case.
As usual, amazing chapter my love. Your story build-up is amazing! This story is really really entertaining.
Also, why isn't AL asking her out? Really hoping the two Al's will end up doing something spicy during the party.
Hey! Here for your requested review!
Already, there's a lot going on in your fic in this opening chapter: the anticipation of Hogwarts starting, the excitement of the summer bash, and all of the social complexities that comes into being a teenager (and children of Second War heroes).
I really like your bigger picture events with the upcoming elections and hate crimes and old prejudices. It's very reflective of the times, and I am curious about how you're planning to unfold all of that in the backdrop of all the teenage drama and blossoming romance and teenage spirit.
Zara is quite brazen, outspoken, and funny. I enjoy reading Slytherin OCs, since writers tend to highlight a lot of positive Slytherin traits while explaining the situations in which sometimes their behavior that might cause a bad rep comes out. Zara seems aware of this fact but seems determined to prove everyone wrong (atta girl!).
I've also noticed that she's definitely attracted to James Potter. He seems not to know her very well (unless that was some silly pick up line at the party). They have pretty good chemistry in this first chapter, so I'm sure their relationship is going to take off in an amusing, teenage-angst-filled way.
I'm also interested in James and Albus Potter. They seem like they get along fine but are different enough to have some tension between them. I'm not sure what place their relationship has in your overall plot, but it would be interesting to seem them interact and play on that tension!
Hi! I'm here with your requested review! Sorry it took me a bit...
I will confess it immediately, this isn't exactly my genre, so I might not be the best person to give you proper feedback, but I'll try... ;)
First of all, I think you have a really nice writing style. You have a good balance of dialogue and description and a good flow, it reads really well, so well done on that front. :)
You also have an interesting cast. I liked Zara and her family so far, the dynamics among the siblings and their parents was very neat and fun to read, and I also enjoyed the house mixing you have here. Next gen gives a lot of freedom in that aspect and I always enjoy inter-house relationships, so that's very nice to see. :)
I also enjoyed your take on the Potter brothers (and more generally the whole Wotters clan) James as the cocky, troublemaking and too aware of his charm one, and Albus as the quieter and upright one (loved the reference about him online the Ministry when he was six to denounce the injustice of starving garden gnomes... that was so funny! :P) Yes, maybe those are a bit cliched interpretations but that's okay, that's how I've always imagined them anyway. ;)
If I have to "criticize" something in regards to characterization... well... I felt this first chapter was a bit too crowded? Like, I get the feeling you want to introduce the reader to your cast, but maybe you should find a way to ease us into your story before throwing us right in the middle and giving us so many names and faces all at once? Your party scene was great, but it was a bit hard to distinguish who was where doing what, it felt a bit chaotic. Which is okay, because the party was, indeed, chaotic, but it was a bit of a heavy scene for a first chapter when we know so little about your characters and their dynamics still... if that all makes sense? Of course, it might be only my personal feeling, and you should do what you feel is best for your story/plot.
All in all, I think you did a nice enough job here. Sorry again if maybe I couldn't appreciate it as it deserves, I'm just not so much into next gen, sorry...
Thank you for the request!
Lots of love,
I like this so far. I've written a few Indian characters before so when I saw the nickname "Ro' I thought it was going to be short for Roshan like in my story. I love how you characterize Alice many people characterize her a lot like a early years Neville since her mum Hannah doesn't have much of a character in the books.
I like Zara so far. She seems like a spitfire. Malcom seems like a good dad and husband.
I'm glad that I'm not the only who uses faceclaims.
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I want to start by saying, this is my favorite chapter so far. You’ve done an excellent job with James’s POV. The way you use his inner monologue to give us information about his character and back story is very nice and seamless. I’m looking forward to more of this!
Again, I laughed a lot as I read this—nice job, I think humor is harder than drama to pull off. I loved the comments about Fred and Louis getting into trouble right at the beginning. I also like how you show James taking care of his siblings and trying to find quiet time to think. I also like that his ambition is to be a Healer, even if he knows he’s goofing off a bit too much right now. Eventually he wants to do something more important, but he’s going to have a good time while he can.
Lily is hysterical. I love her. The references to the Potters bad experiences with the Durselys was a nice peek into the family relations. I also laughed at the idea of James and Albus pretending to be kidnapped by Death Eaters. I bet they were grounded for a month.
My favorite part of this chapter is the paragraph beginning with “Most of us were named after people whose lives had been cut short…….How could any of us match up?” It was spot on and very moving. These kids have a lot to live up to.
Poor Zara! I’m glad she is okay and I wonder what happened. How did she get exposed to cause such a reaction so quickly? Did someone plant something? Was it an accident? I guess we’ll find out.
I loved the lines “I wasn’t good at apologizing or thanking people…..didn’t need to do it very often.”
I like the snippet you show us of Zara’s feeling about her mother’s emotional behavior.
This was another great paragraph: “I hated James Potter…….watch back in 4th year.” Brilliant! I also love that he tasted like waffles and maple syrup. Whew!
And then she takes a step back, because, let’s face it, he’s a player. I laughed out loud through the polygamy paragraph: “Bugger……mucked them about.”
This was a great chapter! You did a wonderful job with James’s POV. Keep it up!
Wow stop!!! This is sooo sweet thank you so much. I was soo anxious to post this chapter because I was so scared I wouldn't do him justice. I know he seems so annoying and arrogant but we've also been able to see what I've decided to show, which in turn also makes me nervous that my characters may be too one dimensional but that's another critique for another day haha.
Omg, I'm so happy to know you found this chapter funny. I guess using humor as a defense/coping mechanism finally paid off. I know James seems like a cocky jock (which he soooo is) but I also imagine he's also extremely protective over the people he cares about so I'm relieved you liked that part. I'm curious what you''ll think of Tuney Dursely if/when she decides to make a formal appearance. Ugh jeez I don't even want to think about how mad Ginny was when she got a hold of those two. Bat Bogey Hex on steroids probably.
Again, thank you for all your kind words, you're officially the sweetest person ever.
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I’m back for chapter 4. Um, the comparison of babies to Voldemort was very funny.
I like how you show us more of Zara’s thoughts at the beginning of this chapter. It seems like she has some vulnerability, since she’s worried about having to care for people.
I was wondering about cell phones. It makes sense to me that they wouldn’t work at Hogwarts.
I’m delighted that you have girls on the Slytherin Quidditch team. It’s about time.
I wonder who is pregnant. Eek!
I enjoyed watching Zara dock points from James and Lila. She’s a spit-fire, all right.
Lots more questions! Hoping for answers.
Again, you’ve created a very clear picture of Hogwarts and your characters. I like the pacing of your dialogue. Nice work!
Thanks so much noelle!
But seriously don’t babies look so weird when they first come out. They’re super cute and all but the resemblance to a noseless voldy is uncanny!
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On to chapter three. I liked the image “a warm shade of rust.” Nice word painting. I giggled at the idea of Peeves throwing water balloons at Zara.
The charmed erasers hitting people in the head for talking is great. I also like the set up for the mysterious Prof. Gibi. The exchange involving allergies gave a nice flavor to the classroom scene.
The idea of Madame Pince rearranging the books so that the students don’t overuse them is great.
“Pity, I thought my sarcasm…universally sought after.” Very nice.
I completely agree with Rose when she wonders why they need permission to go to Hogsmeade, but not to be subjected to sketchy DADA professors.
Niall Wood sounds awfully nice. Are you sure James is the guy?
Although I suppose he’s just shown he’s not quite to Zara’s taste. At least, not as far as choosing date locations.
It does seem that Zara and James have a spark—at least for verbal sparring. And I wonder what Wood is so worried about at the end of the chapter.
I can only imagine that Peeves turned up his menace meter since the war ended. He's always been one of my faves and I love his dedication to being an agent of chaos haha.
Gibi is definitely someone that will have more time to shine in later chapters. Pince also. Whenever she'd have an appearance in the books she'd be so batlike and almost mad that people were touching her books that I couldn't help but include that in this story.
Haha Wood sounds like a dream doesn't he? He'd be the one I'd go after for sure. James at this point is so annoying so I totally agree with your point about him not quite being the guy. James and Zara both need to get the last word and aren't afraid to speak their opinions whereas Wood is just so sweet and would rather keep the peace and keep his two cents to himself.
Once again thank you so much for reading :)
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Your depiction of the aftermath of the wild party is very funny. These kids are all a mess and I imagine they’ll be trying to forget this time of their lives in about ten years :-).
Lily Luna sounds very interesting from the glimpse we got of her. I hope we see her again.
“I relished the comfort of my won sofa with newfound appreciation”—nice image.
I like the juxtaposition of Zara’s confident and tough front with the fact that she’s going to miss her home. She’s got a softer side that you’re letting us see. And it sounds like her mom’s cooking is wonderful. I liked all the details about the Indian food. It made me hungry.
I laughed at the line about Peeves being willing to listen to Harper Kwan because she’s so pretty.
I like how you’ve shown us Zara’s stance on feminism through her dialogue.
The scene where they are leaving on the train to Hogwarts is sweet. It’s too funny to think about Pavarti trying to convince her husband to have another baby.
I like the set up of Zara and Wood. But it seems that James is not going away either. I like that Zara’s brother is looking out for her too, even if she doesn’t like it.
Again, nice scene setting. We’ll see what happens next! :-)
A mess is the best description of this bunch hahaha. They're literally 16/17 and just trying to navigate their way through their teens, often times ending up more drunk and confused than they'd like. Yeah I'm glad you picked up on Zara's vulnerability. Slytherins have this penchant for self preservation and Zara is no exception. Thank you so much for reading :)
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I want to start by saying that I love that your OC Zara is Parvati’s daughter. Zara seems like a spit-fire too. She’ll be entertaining to get to know. I also like that she’s in Slytherin. I have a soft spot for Slytherins.
It seems like Zara likes to take what she wants, although she seems a bit conflicted as to what she wants in this first chapter. She’s obviously interested in Niall Wood, but she keeps thinking about James Potter, even though she doesn’t actually like him much as a person. Yet.
There were so many funny lines in this chapter. “My mother’s sass was a complementary gift to anyone in her vicinity, free of charge.” “Moaning Myrtle had even sent him a singing Valentine one year.” “I’d have cherished the 12 year old Hugo Weasley…..end up sexually harassing me.” —Just to name a few.
I think Zara’s dad sounds so sweet. I hope we see some more of him.
I’m glad that Hogwarts lets people sit where they want at meals now. The constant separation of the houses always seemed like a bad idea to me.
I think you’ve done a nice job setting up the characters and giving us a feel for the atmosphere at Hogwarts. I’m curious to see how all these personalities bounce off each other. Nice work :-)
Hello! I'm so glad you liked this chapter. Yeah, I originally wrote this story because I just wasn't happy with the amount of OCs that were Indian or Suth Asian in general. They felt stereotypical and almost unrealatable in a way? But yeah, thanks so much! Parvarti was one of the characters I wished was explored more in the books because her one liners were just so funny.
Ahh I might have a soft spot for Slytherins too ahah. Yeah she definitely takes what she wants but also she's incredibly indecisive and almost overly cautious sometimes. She's just your typical 16 year old who doesn't have it all figured out but desperately tries to. She's always been into Wood and kind of built up this idea of him in her head. James is that cocky somewhat annoying jock that she kind of hates that she is interested by him. I don't know if anyone else's school had someone like that but mine for sure did. But not everything is black and white, and neither or people which I hope this story is effective in presenting.
Thank you for all your kind words!
So sorry abut the delay, love. Got hit with the viral. Damn this region!
I love what you've done with Hugo. Imagine the situation at home...
Ron is almost finished with the letter but hasn't found anything concerning, which is concerning in itself seeing as how enraged Hermione had been when she shoved the letter in his face screaming about how she "knew this would happen" and how it's "all his fault"
But I think the funniest part would be Hermione's conversation with Mcgonagall...
"I'm so sorry Professor. He HAD to inherit ALL his genes! I thank Merlin everyday that Rose turned out to be like me"
LOLNESS! As usual, this was an amazing chapter. I feel kinda weird about Wood. I mean, too bad his date plans are crap but she and Potter going at him like that in front of his face was... Mean.
You're keeping me in suspense! Where are the evil stuff???
Can't wait to read more :D
Oh nooo, I hope you feel better, that sounds like 0 fun. I felt a little flu-ish and panicked sooo hard.
How funny is Hugo?? Sorry but I can't imagine Ron and Hermione's kids to be these overachieving goody two shoes type of kids some people imagine them to be. Ron's crassness and sarcasm would most definitely be passed down to them and I refuse to believe otherwise. HAHAH your situation sooo accurate and funny!
Yeah seriously how rude was Zara? I think she built Wood up to be this totally different version in her head and Puddifoot took her for a surprise. He kind of didn't understand that she wasn't impressed and thought she looooved the place, which I'm sure may have ticked her off a little. What are OC's without flaws I guess. The evil stuff id coming and I wonder if you'll still like me or not. As always thanks for taking the time out to drop a review :))
Hey, here for the swap!
This interested me a bit more, since it seems to be moving towards some mystery background events added onto the romance. Although, the idea of a poltergeist that had never been alive being able to have a boner is a disturbing image. :p
So, I'm guessing the new guy was the DDA teacher? Lahiri sounds like she would have been horrible to take. Probably glad for the replacement across the board.
The snark from Neville to Alice was great. "Yeah, you're my daughter, but two can play at this."
I wonder what was up with that girl.
Pince needs to,just retire already. Books are meant to be read and loved! Then again, I'm one of those heathens that dofear my pages...I swear, getting a library book that's beat up and has a bunch of folded pages (as long as they're not falling out) just shows it's been read a lot and people have enjoyed it. A worn out book is a book that has brought many hours of joy. That's my stance and haters can fight me.
Also, poor Zara. Hope she managed to get the book later.
Aw, Hogsmead. I agree. A permission slip for that is ridiculous considering you don't need one to try out for a sport that takes place at high speeds in the air where you can be hit by other fast moving objects. Honestly.
Ouch. I again agree with Zara. That would not be my preferred date. I approve of her discussion points, though. Too bad he didn't return them. Political talks are a great way to check if you should continue a relationship or just cut it off before an inevitable explosion. I could only imagine how a date with Rose would go, who probably would share my philosophy there, I'd wager.
Oh. You don't have to say all that when he's right next to you in a booth. Ouch. Oh, and then Wood is gone. Talking to a mysterious stranger no less. Probably about her or something he's using her to do/get to. Lovely.
Also, lovepotions should totally be banned and does Rose have a heavy stance on that? I'd figure so.
I'll say my biggest issues here are some of what I said the last few times, but I also think I'm struggling with how large the cast already is becoming. It's hard to keep all the personalities straight, and things would probably be easier if you slowly introduced more characters. I'm not sure the cast count now but I know quite a few names have been dropped.
Thanks for the swap!
Hi kat! Glad it's headed somewhere you're getting interested in.
I know it seems like everythings being thown at you but every single sub plot will be answered I promise :) Yeah Puddifoot's just sounds so cringe. I remember when I read about it in the 5th book I couldn't even bother to hold back a shudder. Yes! I lovee using politics to gauge if I'd be able to get along with a person or not. Rose would absolutely agree with everything you've just said.
I agree, so callous right? Unfortunately our dear Zara is not immune to flaws. Bluntness can come at a price I suppose. Yes! Rose absolutely detest love potions, it literally violates every shred of consent possible and is just plain out gross. Thanks for your points! I'll work on slow intros for characters. Thanks for your review :)
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Ouch. This is why I don't do parties...that and I don't get invited in the first place because everyone knows I don't do parties. I also hate the taste of alchohol and I'm not the best with crowds, so that could also play a part. Honestly tho. Hangovers sound painful. My resolve against drinking intensifies. :p
The simple things that Zara misses about home are really relatable. I enjoyed those little details.
The comments with her mother was pretty funny.
She really is head over heels for Wood. Innuendo intentinal.
I'm curious what older student she'll be tutoring considering you confirmed it wouldn't be James. Is it Wood?
"Did you forget to charm the doors before leaving the house? Go back and check the doorknob at least 3 times to make sure. Stop talking so much, you're boring everyone. Recite your order to yourself before telling it to the waiter, you can't possible repeat stuttering like in 4th year."
Does she have OCD or anxiety? It sounds like it.
"The Great Hall's doors burst open as a tall dark haired man strode in. Shaking the rain from his hair, he looked up and took in the curious faces peering back at him. His handsome features furrowed in confusion. Whispers broke out through the room. He looked far too young to be a Professor but too old to be a student"
I'm a bit confused about who this is. From what I can tell nothing else has been said. Right now it just seems like a random stranger came in and has no relevence to anything. No one talks about it further. No reaction from Hogwarts staff. No gossip from students. It's kinda confusing.
Everything I said last chapter about the profanity and snark is pretty close to the same here. Also, sorry if this seems rushed. It is. My new puppies keep distracting me and my computer is about to die. If I get my cord they're going to chew on it and I can't go upstairs away from them currently, so my attention is a bit divided. Sorry!
Thanks for your review. Hangover are the absolute worst thing known to mankind. I literally cannot put into words how much they suck aha. Totally understand your resolve against drinking! And as for the student she'll be tutoring it's not Wood either! So who the person who randomly, abruptly walking in is discussed more in the next chapter. I noticed you mentioned pacing/transition in your preview review. I ended it rather abruptly because it sets the stage for the next chapter, in which who the person is discussed in detail, as well as the staff and school's reaction to it as well. It's funny you said it seems like a random stranger just came in and has no relevance because that's exactly what I wanted it to seem like. If you do end up reading the next chapter, I hope you'll like my attempt at explaining who the person is as well as the gossip from students in addition to pacing that is easier to follow/fits and less cursing and snark. Thanks so much for all the great points you made! I'll absolutely be incorporating your suggestions for the rest of the story :)
Hey, I'm here for the swap, finally!
I will say right off this typically isn't the type of story I read, just because I'm not big on purely romance stories. I think there's about...five to seven books I can think of that were original fiction romance that I just read on my own. For fanfics I usually will if it;s a specific ship but even those are usually short stories or oneshots/in the background and not a main focus. Next Gen also isn't my normal go to. All that to say as I'm not the target audience, I may miss some stuff others who would be part of it might catch and include in a review. :p
I like how you made Zara the daughter of Parvati. It's not something I've seen done before, and I like the cutural references you put in. I'm always a sucker for seeing more diversity in fanfic, because then I get to learn about stuff I didn't know about, which is always really cool.
I can't really comment on any plot related stuff since not much has happened yet, besides James not recognizing Zara. Also, I'm curious after seeing the name Dersley. Did Dudly have a magical child? I've seen that explored in fic before, so I'm wondering how you'll handle it and how much she'll come up. I'm happy you have Al in Slytherin. I don't read much Next Gen but it's one thing I actually do like about Cursed Child. I did find it interesting you had him be with Hugo.
I think most of the spelling and grammer was good, so nothing really to comment on there. I do thing some of the transitions seemed a bit strange at points, however.
Now for some Constructive Critisism:
I like how you've distinguished everyone, although there are a few problems I had. It seems everyone has a snarky personality. I really like snarking, but it almost seemed a bit too much because everyone was doing it all the time. Even with me and my snarkiest friends we typically don't do it that much, and that means we didn't get to see the characters desplaying other verble quirks and traits. I didn't get much of a feel for who they are besides what we were explicitly told by the main character. The cursing was a bit overdone I think as well, at least to me. I cuss a lot, and I know others who do, but I think one of my big things, again, is that it seems everyone does, and they do it so much. It makes it almost a bit too repetative. I do think a lot of the dialogue was witty. It's just that there was too much of it and nothing to contrast off of.
Thanks for the swap, and sorry it's taken so long. I'll head to the next chapter now. :)
Oh man, I had no idea you weren't into romance or even next gen when I agreed to a review swap, sorry about that! But thanks so much for your constructive criticism! You definitely made some very important and totally valid points that I'll be taking into consideration for future chapters (which is also why the transitions seem a bit off). The snark/cursing will certainly be toned down in the next chapters (and it is). When I uploaded the first few chapters on here, I didn't really get as much time to edit them as much as I would have liked but I hope you won't let that deter you from reading on. It's so helpful to have reviews like this because it really allows you to finetune aspects of a story that may be lacking. As for not being able to see who the characters really are/not displaying other quirks, it really is only the introduction chapter and one of my biggest faults is building up a story too slowly, which regrettably means I don't jump head first into character traits right away but that's definitely something I can work on.
And yes! I thought it would be really interesting to include Dudley having a magical child named Petunia. She'll make a few more appearances as well because she has the potential to be so so interesting. I know a lot of people put Al in Ravenclaw but for some reason I always imagined he'd be in Slytherin. I'm with you on that! Of all the things Cursed Child got wrong, Al being in SLytherin and Draco having some semblance of redemption were the few things it nailed.
I'm here for our review swap! I'm back for the last review of our swap! (At least until you have some more chapters posted. 😊 )
Sakina seems a bit oblivious. I suppose it's easy for her to take out her anger on Zara, but it's really misplaced. James isn't into monogamy as far as we know at this point, so she shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't want long term with her.
Ewww. I feel like the discussion of Zara's potential sexual partners on the Quidditch pitch was pretty gross. First off, it's not really anyone's business who she is or isn't shagging, but then to put it in such vulgar terms. Yeah, I'd have probably hit someone if they spoke to me that way.
It's interesting that there was a pregnancy test found. I suppose it is pretty shocking for a teenager to be pregnant.
"Is it just me or do all babies look like Voldemort when he hacked off his nose?" <- Dying. This is my exact sentiment about babies.
Aww. Rose and Scorpius have gotten together. I always enjoy them as a pairing.
James is just too much. I'm glad Zara gave him detention and took points. He is as obnoxious as it gets.
Oooh. Another party. Man Hogwarts sure seems wild in comparison to Harry's days. Or maybe Harry was just a square and didn't party?
I can understand why Zara didn't want to go. If people were treating me the way they've been treating her, I wouldn't want to hang out with them either. It's pretty awful that based on a conversation with James everyone suddenly thinks she's slagging around with him.
I suppose her getting poisoned at the end of the party didn't help. I wonder if this had anything to do with Niall and his mysterious scheme. Or maybe a girl who's jealous of Zara's alleged relationship with James?
Good job! Let me know when the next chapter is up. I'd be happy to read more.
Thanks for reading and reviewing! I think Harry didn't really pay attention to parties/didn't go often because he was too busy dealing with everything he had going on. I remember reading something where J.K herself said that the reason the books didn't show a lot of aspects of a typical teenage experience was because Harry wasn't a typical teenager and didn't really have the time to do those things. I really wanted to include the part about people speculating about her sex life to kind of show just how annoying/misogynistic people can be. It didn't matter that James Potter was talking to her too. People automatically judge the girl for whatever she does, including who she talks to, what she does with her time, or even what she wears and it can be so taxing and exhausting to deal with. It certainly isn't anyone's business but isn't it interesting how everyone seems to make it a part of their business? I can imagine Hogwarts having a whole lot of parties, especially for no rhyme or reason. I suspect that the lack of parental supervision causes a) rumors to spread rapidly and unabashedly and b) some wiiiiild ragers probably go on. I'm sure in Harry's time there was a lot more seriousness on campus because of Voldemort and the impending Wizarding War.
You'll just have to wait and see what'll happen :) Once again, thanks so much for taking the time out to drop a review. You made some really good points that I'm going to keep in mind for the future chapters. I know this isn't typically the type of thing you read but I'm so appreciative that you did anyway.
I'm here for our review swap! Sorry for the delay. I ended up falling asleep a bit earlier than intended, but I'm here now to finish the last two reviews of our review swap!
Louis really is something else.
Zara is still pondering over her interaction with James. I have to wonder if maybe she's reading more into it than actually exists.
It was cool learning about the new Defense Against The Dark Arts professor. He sounds like a very interesting and mysterious fellow.
I had a really good chuckle over Malfoy's allergy and everyone teasing him about it. Even the professor got in on it.
I also love the idea of Neville putting all the kids through hell in his herbology classes. I could totally see him picking dangerous plants for them to work with. I mean, after a war, what's a little venomous tentacula?
Yay for polyamory! I'm actually glad that you portrayed it as them both being in an open and understanding relationship.
Man, James sure gets around.
Well, the date seemed promising until Madame Puddifoots. I also think I would gag if I was forced to endure Valentine's vomit and saccharine sweet decorations everywhere. I feel your pain, Zara.
Yikes. Zara was a bit rude to just ignore Wood like that. I mean, I get that it was a bad date, but she could've at least tried to include him in the convo and not roundly flirted with another bloke in front of him. I think it's also pretty bad practice to very vocally trash the date in front of others while you're sitting there with the guy.
OMG. I feel the chili sauce conundrum so deeply. I can almost never get food hot enough or if I am dining with others I have to water down how much spice I like so that they are comfortable.
Well, it sounds like Wood is up to some shady stuff. I wonder if this scheme of his involves dating Zara or if she's just an inconvenient bystander in the situation. Definitely added a nice layer of mystery here. I'll be curious to see how it develops.
I also thought the dialogue was a bit easier to follow in this chapter. There was still snarkiness which is good, (Trust me, I am quite snarky myself) but the pacing of this chapter made it easier to take it all in.
Good job! Headed to the next chapter now!
Thanks for your review :) The first two chapters were written a while ago and they were actually four different chapters, when I uploaded it here I just condensed them because I felt like they didn't flow together separetly as well. In retrospect this definitely impacted the pacing and the dialogue. But I'm happy to know you liked the dialogue much better in this chapter. I think the first two were a bit too dialogue/snark heavy but in chapters 3,4,5 and future ones, I'm definitely going to make sure there's a much better balance between snark, profanity etc. Thanks for your helpful and much appreciated review!
Soooooo I'm guessing the upperclassman she has to tutor is James? That'll be frigging intense!
But Man, I don't know who I prefer (Sexual attraction wise) - Wood or Potter. I mean, Wood is the better looking one hands down but when it comes to bad boys... I'm a bit of a jelly-leggo.
I love Ro by the way. Kudos on the face claim (Except, I'd have LOVED Shahid Kapoor version in Padmavat in there!) He really lives up to his face-claim ;)
I think it's really good that you've incorporated subject matter in here. A lot of good fics have so much of drama and romance that they slightly mention homework and studying without delving into it, which makes the fic lacking on so many levels. So good job there!
I'm guessing Lily is a Squib ;)
I really hope the date gets steamy :D CANNOT WAIT MY LOVE
By th way, I was going to mention this in the first review ut it compeltely slipped my mind. YOUR CHAPTER TITLES. FRIENDS! OMGGGGG!
Tell me you dig Mondler :D
You'll have to wait and see but I promise it's not James :)
Not even kidding Nate Archibald was my ideal man throughtout the duration of Gossip Girl. I mean I was OBSESSED. Wood and Potter are so different aren't they? Wood's such a gentlemen and Potter is..well..intense? I can't wait for you to read the next chap, I have a feeling you'll be pleasantly surprised. I really wanted to explore academics as well because Zara's so ambitious and studious and personally, I love writing about Hogwarts subjects so maybe I'm a bit biased.
Ok so I was thinking of Shahid in Padmavat (how hot was he in that movie?) but his face is a little tooooo chiseled and developed for a 17 year old if that makes sense? Not that Ranveer's isn't but its a little bit more believable to have him be 17 especially because Dom's face claim recently did a phot shoot with Ranveer so I just figured they'd fit nicely. Idk Ro's really boisterous so I felt like Ranveer would be a really good fit. I'm soo happy you love him!
I looooove Friends you have no idea! Uh ofc I love Mondler :) What's your take on Ross and Rachel I need to know!! SIde note, I'm really looking forward to your reviews you're so so so sweet!
I'm here for our review swap!
Wow. Sounds like they ended up having quite the party. I can't say I ever remember anything as wild happening in my own youth (God, I sound old), but it sounds like it was epic. Something out of Van Wilder almost.
Lily Luna was perfect. I loved her responses when she walked in the door.
Looks like James Potter wasn't so smitten over Zara after all. He was busy being occupied by one Ms. Kwan. I enjoyed the segment of Rohan, Zara, and Alice gossiping away after the party. It felt very realistic.
I had a good chuckle over Parvati ordering her husband to get her pregnant the instant she got home. Definitely totally how that works.
What is this word peng? I've seen it pop up several times now. The first time, I assumed it was a typo, but now I've seen it at least four times, so I know it's not. Guessing it means fit or smoking hot or something along those lines?
Aww. I like Niall. He seems like such a gentleman. Kind of creepy though, the idea of kids running around trying to dose each other with love potion. I always felt like that had a very sexual assault-y vibe in cannon.
Yep. James Potter is definitely a creep and apparently terrible at remembering faces.
I wonder who this mystery teacher is?
Watching Zara freak out over Niall checking her out was pretty amusing and so was the dialogue that followed. She's got it bad. Good thing all of her friends are there to take the mickey out of her afterwards.
Oh and now he's asked her out! It was definitely endearing to see them both behaving so awkwardly with each other. Good thing Louis showed up. He's a bit obnoxious, I suppose, but he does serve his purpose once in a while.
Yikes! I have a dreadful feeling I know which older student Zara will be tutoring. She is not going to like this one bit. (at least not until she falls in love with him)
Ok. Rohan is adorable. His antics over dinner are over the top, but also well meaning. It seems that everyone recognizes that, Niall included.
I am curious to see what Dev is holding back. I wonder if it has something to do with Zara.
I love the idea of a kitty with magical prosthetics. And wow. What a trouble maker, running straight into the arms of James Potter. I'm sure Zara loved that.
Do I sense a budding rivalry between her and Harper?
This has been an enjoyable and funny story so far. Good job! I'll be over to the next chapter a bit later this evening.
Kaitlin, I'm over here dying at your reviews (in a good way of course)! On hpff a lot of my reviews come from college aged readers or readers in middle/high school so the review content is a little different from yours. But your review is sooo refreshing and so funny, I really like getting your input on things because I love constructive criticism and really want to grow as a writer you know?
Perspective is one heck of a thing so I like how you're viewing them the exact way Zara does. I don't know if James Potter is terrible at remembering faces or is just so self absorbed he can't really seem to care about anything that's not about him yet. Like I said before I ended up infusing a lot more of my own life/experiences into the characters than expected. And yeah how gross is the love potion thing? It's absolutely a consent issue and in canon it's dealt with sort of lightheartedly even though it's pretty serious.
And as for who Zara ends up tutoring it's not who you think and that's all I'll say for now :) Thanks for your review!
I'm here for our review swap! First off, welcome to HPFT! I'm really excited to see what you've written.
Ooh. A next gen fic featuring Parvati's daughter. I don't know if I've ever read a fic focused from that perspective before. I'm very curious to see how you envision her.
You've definitely nailed the snarky banter between teenagers. I was having a good chuckle as I read the two of them arguing back and forth. I loved that you've written Parvati as such a chill mom too. Her little bit of dialogue really left me feeling like she'd be a fun mom to have.
The family dynamics after dinner are written beautifully as well. In a very short scene, you really gave me a good feeling for how they all interact with each other and how Zara grew up.
Aww. The interactions with Zara's dad was very sweet. You have a real gift for describing people in memorable ways.
Hmm...seems like Zara is in denial over Potter. She goes on and on about how he's not that attractive in the beginning, but then when she sees him at the party, she blushes and gets all weird. Do I sense a budding romance?
Ok. James Potter is kind of a creep. How could he not remember someone who he'd been around so much? A more womanly figure doesn't suddenly make her a completely different person. He does seem to be very at ease in the middle of the party though. He definitely saves Hugo's hide.
So I think you've really excelled at world building and character description. I had very vivid images of everything going on as I was reading. I did find some of the dialogue a little excessive in swear words/snarkiness...but I think that's appropriate cause I'm a lot older than I'd like to admit reading dialogue that's meant to be teenagers.
Good job! I'm really curious to see where this goes from here.
I'm in the processing of reading yours and can I just say I'm so happy you decided to do a review swap because The Next Great Adventure is phenom!
First off, I like the way you set up your reviews, line by line; it makes me feel as though I'm watching your emotions develop as you read the story, which is a treat. I'm relieved you liked the banter, although I apologize for the language. I guess along the way I've ended up injecting more of myself and everything around me than I'd realized, which is why they're all a little sarcastic, snarky and seem a little ridiculous (aka me and all my friends as teenagers)! Parvati in the books seemed like such an underused character to me so I really wanted to explore her and her family more. Being Indian myself I really wanted to see some POC representation because there aren't enough next gen fics with brown OC's out there. Some of the ones I have stumbled across either had super strict parents or had a trademark Indian catch phrase. Not to say there aren't people out there like that because I'm sure there are, I just wanted something a little more accurate to my experience if that makes sense. Here I go rambling again haha.
James only notices people as they notice him which just goes to show you how self centered he is (like a lot of teenagers I know/knew). But I hope you keep reading because I'm curious to see how your opinion of him will change as the chapters progress. Thank you so much for your review :)
oooh i literally laughed out loud at the line about paying james to punch her in the face - alice, i agree with you and i would do the same!!
okay i'm just like, laughing at all the lines alice says - she's a hilarious character, i love her :D
he who must not be tamed is the best name for james that anyone in the history of fanfics has thought up for him. just sayin' while silently (or not so silently) fangirling over here.
i'm also in love with parvati. can i just be in love with all your characters?
while the chapter was mostly light up until malcolm showed up and i giggled through it, i think it's really interesting that you're including a political subplot...kinda reminds me of real world. i'm really excited to see how that unfolds :O
oh wow, james is ruuuuude, how does he not recognise her?!?! what is wrong with that boy?
i really enjoyed this first chapter - it set us up for some future drama and also introduced a lot of characters though i feel like it wasn't too much, you know? they are all pretty different and unique, it's lovely ^_^ i also adore zara and her family and i can't wait to read more about her!
Ahhhh kris!!! I'm literally obsessed with your story and your complex, extremely well developed characters so you totally have free reign to fawn over mine! The feeling is definitely mutual. Alice Longbottom is seriously such a funny character because she has absolutely no filter and I'm here for it! The funny thing is a lot of characters in this story have a lot of quirks/similarities shared with not just me but with my friends and family as well so I'm thrilled to know you're enjoying them.
Seriously cannot think of a more accurate name than he who must not be tamed, that boy is a triiiiiip. A self absorbed but loveable trip. I guess that's what happens when most of the people in your life see your surname before you? Idk anyway ignore my rambling but I'm glad you picked up on the political aspect because there's certainly going to be more where that came from.
I'm relieved you didn't think they were too much. I'm proud to say I loved reading Clash, Flourescent Adolescent, Delicate, and Get in Line while I was in middle and high school so I hope my work serves as a sort of homage to them (a wonky dollar store version of an homage but you get the point!) Teenagers are crazy and romanticize everything while sparing 0 feelings (maybe that was just me and my friends i'm not sure?) so I really want my characters to reflect that. Thanks for your review and keep an eye out for mine!
"He who must not be tamed" LMAO FRIGGING HILARIOUS!
Hi! So sorry about the delay. I've been reading bit by bit all morning everytime my boss turns away... Board meeting week and all...
Too much work but MAN I LOVE THIS ONE!
You know, I saw the story on the recent list and SO BADLY wanted to start because the banner was just FAD but didn't have the time to. I'm so glad I PM'd you.
So getting back to actually reviweing, I must say you've impressed me on three counts;
1. You've got the Desi family background right, which is tough seeing how diverse we are (I'm Sri Lankan)
2. You've nailed the British colloquialism (I hope I got the spellings right). The words you've used, considering the age of the majority of the characters and the era they live in, I must say you've done an excellent job!
3. You've given so much of insight and information within one chapter that I actually feel like I've read more. I know so much about a lot of people before going to the second chapter which is amazing. I can never do that.
Oh by the way, we both have the same impression of the Dursley kid ;) HAHA Vernon can suck it!
All in all, this is a lovely chapter and I can't wait to read more!
THANK YOU for the face claims! It really helps. Usually I do my own search after chapter one because I can't go on without knowing so you've made that easier. I can see why Zaza is drooling over James. FRIGGING HOT!
But my absolute fav is Alice. That girl, is amazing.
Tell me her character is based on a real person please.
I'm giving this a ten.
Thank you so much! You're so sweet.
Ahh! Yep, I'm Indian :) I honestly just started this story because I thought it would be nice to have some POC representation in James II/OC fics so here I am. TDA has some incredibly talented people and choobacca is no exception! I'm thrilled you PM'ed me too because your story was so fun to read.
Ok confession time, I'm not British so I really just used most of the words I've heard my cousin and his friends throw around and hoped for the best so to see that you thought they worked makes me so so happy! I was a little worried it was too immature or snarky but the characters are teeenagers so i works I guess.
I'm so glad you loved my face claims, on hpff I actually would start off each chapter with a picture and a blurb so my readers didn't have to venture out and find their own face claims. Tumblr's a wealth of face claims tbh in case you're looking for any for your story. Seriously how hot is Francisco Lachowski???? Alice is my favorite to write because she's based on the wild things that not only I'm guuilty of saying but my friends as well.
Thanks for your review and look out for me as soon as your next chapters up :)