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Reviews For Fall on Me

Name: Jo Raskoph (Signed) · Date: 20 Feb 2019 05:00 PM · [Report This]
Story:Fall on Me Chapter: Chapter 3 - Back to Hogwarts

Hi Kyle,

I'm back with your last review (for now). This was an interesting chapter, the title clued me in on the time jump you would be making, but fifth year, wow, that was a huge time jump! I'm curious to see how this works out, I've had a lot of things to say about pacing for the previous chapters and was very curious how you worked with pacing here... I can't say I felt like missing out though - you made the transition smooth enough I think!

Again, I think you've really improved on pacing since the first chapter, and that's awesome!

In the first paragraphs (before your story had captured my full attention), I found some small errors, that I think a good round of beta reading could prevent - that's really my only cc here.

"Jacob didn't want to wake up for his alarm *that day*…" - since it's past tense.

"…telling him they were meeting downstairs in *a* ten minutes" - lose the ‚a'.

"… but it wasn't as easy as he *had* thought it would be …" - past perfect

"… told him how excited *they were* to see him over for the Christmas holidays." - missing a part of that sentence

"Lily *had* followed in her parents footsteps and *been* accepted into Gryffindor…" - missing verbs/past perfect

"Lily and Alex *had* got together …" - past perfect again, especially since you use it in the next sentence

I'm sorry if this comes across too nitpicky - I just thought I'd point the ones I found out to you, I know how easy these are to overlook when writing (and by "I know" I mean I'm guilty of submiting a story that has a person holding cattle instead of a kettle *hides*). 

You made me really curious who Jacob's secret sweetheart is. All chapter long I waited to find out or to at least find a small clue (maybe I missed one?) - so you had me on my toes all chapter long. Well done with the suspense here.

I love how you incorporated Myrtle in this! Her characterisation is spot on and I think it tells loads about Jacob that he made friends with her. I felt kind of bad for him, having to bring her flowers to bribe her back into forgiving him the summer break, but I guess we all do things for our friends we wouldn't do for anyone else. Overall I think you did a good job on the whole scene! One think I think might still have improved it would be more direct speech/dialogue. Don't be afraid of writing it - the lines you have sound really good, and in character.

Overall I think you're doing really great with this and I'm looking forward to the next chapters!

Love,
Jo



Name: Jo Raskoph (Signed) · Date: 16 Feb 2019 12:12 PM · [Report This]
Story:Fall on Me Chapter: Chapter 2: A Day With the Potters

Hi there!

It took a bit longer to review this chapter, even though I read it right after the last one (because I'm lazy like that, once I've read something I'd much rather read the next chapter instead of reviewing the one I already now…) But here goes:

I have to say I enjoyed this chapter much more than the last and I definitely think it has to do with pacing, which worked out better for me here. So that's something I really wanted to point out - that you've improved or been able to better fit pacing with proceedings or something. If you're planning to cover a long period of time in this, I guess gracefully making time jumps like you did from Diagon Alley to platform 9 3/4 will serve you very well - so you'll have "screen time" for the important parts.

Seeing Harry here was a real treat and I loved Lily begging him not to tell embarassing stories about his past. The situation felt very true to life. And the gobblins being suspicious of him still - I absoultely think that's what they'd do!

Another thing I loved was Hermione as Minister of Magic - I think she deserves it so much, which is probably not the best argument for getting your will about fictional characters (or real life ones), but I always bask in stories where she ends up being very sucessful. Also, of course she'd be the one to know sign language! 

It's a very well rounded and exciting chapter. I especially enjoyed the Diagon Alley vibe - I think you did really well at conveying the bustling and wonder :)

I'm  looking forward to the next chapter, I'm excited for Jacob to discover the glory of Hogwarts and I'm very curious about the ways in which his magic lessons will be adapted to work without spells.
Love,
Jo


Name: Jo Raskoph (Signed) · Date: 14 Feb 2019 05:49 AM · [Report This]
Story:Fall on Me Chapter: Chapter 1: A Strange Visit

Hey there, Kyle!

I'm here for the Hufflepuff review swaps.

I'm intrigued with your protagonist's disability and very curious how you'll work with it in the coming chapters. My family has recently taken up sighning too, for my nephew, and it's exciting to read about :)

So this is a chapter packed with new information - it deals with so much that personally I think it could have been a bit longer too (to get to know Jacob better), but that's a personal preference.The Jansen family must be pretty shocked after such a day, poor them. It's not everyday you find out magic is real and your son/brother is a wizard.

And professor Vector certainly isn't someone who beats around the bush or breaks the news gently - she deals with her task very efficiently and in a "no time to waste" kind of manner. I guess she does have a lot else to deal with, and magic is nothing new to her.

I loved Lily Luna's and Jacob's friendship - from canon we konw next to nothing about her, but I've always pictured her as someone who would definitely learn to sighn for a friend.  About that - there was one sentence I felt was a bit contradictory: "Even his next door neighbor and best friend, Lily, learned how to sign with the family." If they were friends before, I (again, personally) would mention that first and the next door neighbor thing second.

Overall I felt this chapter works very good as an introduction because it raises so many questions I can't wait to see what happens in the next chapter.

I'll be off and back with your next review later today or tomorrow.

Love, Jo



Name: crestwood (Signed) · Date: 07 Feb 2019 11:50 AM · [Report This]
Story:Fall on Me Chapter: Chapter 1: A Strange Visit

Hi Kyle! I apologize for how long this has taken, but I’m here for our swap!


I’ve never read anything about a character with Aphonia before - I always love to see different kinds of people written about, it makes things so much more multi-dimensional than reading stories about the exact same kind of person with the exact same background again and again.


I wasn’t really sure what era this was set in at first and when I read the name Lily I was so split on whether that’d be Lily Evans or Lily Luna Potter. Either way I was super excited because he’s totally going to be introduced to magic here at some point. I kind of want to know what he and Lily got up to, he was definitely doing all sorts of accidental magic.


Once I saw the name Vector I knew we were in Next Gen era, which is my absolute favorite so I was doubly excited. I’m so interested in how Hogwarts manages to accommodate Jacob, we never really see them at any point having to think about accessibility if I’m not mistaken.

 

I always love seeing the reactions when people find out about magic in fic, it’s brings me back to the days when I was first reading the books and I get all nostalgic. I like the way you’ve made Jacob almost accept his destiny; he doesn’t seem shocked in the slightest in contrast to everyone else. I can’t wait to see what goes down when he goes to Diagon with the Potters, I think this is such a good premise! I enjoyed reading, thank you for the swap!



Name: MegGonagall (Signed) · Date: 05 Feb 2019 06:13 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Fall on Me Chapter: Chapter 1: A Strange Visit

Hey Kyle! I’m here for our swap! 

 

Oh this was so adorable! I love Jacob already! I really can’t wait to see him at Hogwarts, and if it will be difficult for him, since he isn’t able to speak. I’m sure he and Lily will be able to get away with a lot, being that they both know how to sign, and that isn’t very common knowledge with most people. 

 

It’s the ultimate dream, isn’t it? To learn that you’re a wizard, and you’ll be going to Hogwarts. It’s like we’ll be able to vicariously live through Jacob. He thought he was a Muggle, has an in with the Potter family, and will be off to Hogwarts. Totally jealous of him lol. 

 

I feel like he must be closer with his mom, since she was the one who picked up signing the best out of the rest of his family. And the fact that she seemed more willing to hear Vector out than his father did. Totally a legit reaction from his parents though. Imagine if someone just showed up at your house, and told you magic was real, then turned your dishes into animals lol. I’d freak out, that’s for sure. 

 

Awww and the Potters are going to take him to Diagon Alley! I mean, it isn’t definite, but I can’t imagine them saying no. Especially Harry, considering his upbringing. I imagine he’ll be super kind and patient with Jacob, with Lily translating. I do hope that his family keeps the secret. I’d hate to see Jacob get in any trouble. 

 

This was such a good start to what seems like will be a really interesting story. Definitely let me know when the next chapter is up! I really want to read more of this! 

 

Thanks so much for the swap!! I really enjoyed this! 

 

Hugs, 

Meg 



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