This is a great chapter for this story, focusing on one OC Healer, forced by circumstances to assume responsibilities far sooner than normal, but showing that human instincts are just as valuable as technical skills. And the OC patient, a little boy, shows that the will to live is as important as biological processes.
You have a good balance of exposition (the first five chapters) full of details that set the scene vividly, and then the longer narrative of one little boy and the Healer who tries desperately to save him. Thus you put a human face on the stark statistics that introduce each chapter.
The dialogue is excellent. The emotions come through clearly in these short sentences, and the dialogue is interposed with short action sentences that brings the scenes to life. One can see it as if on a movie screen.
Your final line, "The worst was over now," is particularly poignant because it has a meaning on two levels -- for Joshua and for the whole community.
One little lapse of POV: "Pinky swear," I said, offering my little finger to him.
Thank you for writing. This chapter is certainly Back From The Brink.
hey rumpels! i'm here for our swap and for EvS, team emerald *_*
i have to admit, i’ve gone back to re-read this chapter a couple of times since you first wrote it because i find the gruesome imagery you depict inspiring and beautiful (even though they’re…hard to read about). i know it might sound weird but your fabulous descriptions of ron’s current state made me try harder at writing my own descriptions :P it’s just so real when i’m reading – i almost feel like him, like there’s something breaking my body and i think it shows how great of a writer you are!
besides the descriptions, i also thought that you managed to characterise ron perfectly – he really is someone who would downplay his symptoms, who wouldn’t want to admit that he’s sick, especially not with something like the dread and then it would’ve always taken hermione’s intervention to make him see a healer. your hermione is true to her character as well – not leaving ron’s side even though she’s risking getting infected as well shows how much she loves him, how much she depends upon him, how loyal she is to him. and her being the thing that keeps him fighting is something i loved reading about :D
his hallucinations (?) during the worse parts of his sickness/the fever – the dancing cadavers and the skeleton and the rats and the maggots is some of the best writing i’ve ever read (including stuff from published authors) – i literally get goosebumps every time i read that part!
this was such a great chapter…and idk how to stop fangirling over it :P
(Reviewed for the Emerald team of EvS, and for the good quality of the chapter.)
What strikes me about this chapter that you contributed to The Edge of Oblivion is the way that it provides a break from the urgent action of the other chapters to focus solely on a close description of the symptoms and progress of the deadly disease, both as seen by an outside observer (Hermione) and as experienced by a victim.
This close focus, so early in the story, is necessary to make it gut-wrenchingly clear to us readers just what a catastrophe this epidemic is. The numbers of afflicted and dead listed at the opening of each chapter arre so impersonal that one might faii to be moved by the human tragedy. And making the victim be someone whom we know and love doubles the impact.
I am glad that your description of Ron's suffering, hallucinatory as it was, was written plainly and clearly and that it encompasses a relatively small part of the chapter. More would have been too much, too overdone.
I almost expected that Ron would die in the final lines of this chapter, but his death would have violated the premise of the collaboration, 'Back from the brink.' So he is saved, as an individual, in this chapter, but wizardry is saved, in the whole, by the end of the story. A good job!
I am here for team Silver in the EvS Battle!
This story was such a great depiction of Neville, you really do write him so well! you have an excellent narrative voice when you write too which makes the story so much more enjoyable.
I love how he was instantly found by Luna and she of course being the odd brilliant woman she is knew it was him almost immediately. Her helping him to find the book seems so right, and I am really glad that he was able to see her in the past. It drew for a really great realization on his part that he had grown and matured over the years and he was not much like the Neville from his days as a student.
I felt my heart squeeze when he wished he were able to change things from the past and save his loved ones, andd dhow he begged their foregiveness for being unable to do so. I think that by far that would have to be my favourite part of the whole thing!
This was excellent writing Crestwood! I'm excited to read more of your other stories.
This is a clever chapter. I love the idea of the prophecy, and of course Hermione, even more than the others, will resist accepting it as having any value in their race to control the disease.
I also liked your explanation about why Draco had changed careers and had become a Healer. It is good when developments like that are given a canon-compliant rationale; it makes the Potterverse more self-consistent, so that our imaginative extensions of it can be linked back to the whole. :) And Draco shows himself not totally helpless in the fight against the disease because he is the one to see the acrostic that points them all toward Severus Snape. In the canon books, Draco is portrayed mostly as a jerk, but he was also quite smart, and I like stories that show us that.
I hope that these characters, even though already exposed to the disease, are not contagious before beginning to show symptoms, so that it will be safe for them (not counting Hermione) to go to Hogwarts and consult with Snape's portrait without inadvertently carring the virus into the parts of the school where the students are.
Will you five authors keep writing chapters in turn until the story is finished? I hope so!
Hi Juls! I thought I’d slide on by to check out your chapter of the collab for EvS :)
The description you give at the beginning as Hermione allows her emotions to overcome her are excellent, it starts the chapter off on a very high note. It’s a good commentary on the idea that, although death is unavoidable, it can often feel so sudden and debilitating at the same time. And a great reference to the time she was forced to wipe her parents’ memories, that must be a moment that haunts her a bit, even if she eventually was able to find them.
People always come for leadership in times like this, even if it’s not their fault or, really, anything to do with them. That much is for sure. Already, you’ve given us a taste of the brink that we’re going to be returning from right away.
It’s so much like Hermione to scoff at something, even when she knows it to be largely true :P
Everyone with a hand in writing the prophecy did such a good job, it’s haunting in the best way.
Ohh, I think I spy a reference to Cursed Child here, despite the fact that I have not read or seen it before. Hermione is so smart not to want to go back while sick though, she could sort of destroy time if so, I’m pretty sure.
I love the spelling out of the prophecy - brings me back to Voldemort’s anagram when Tom Riddle came out of the diary. I really enjoyed reading this - you’ve done an amazing job with this portion of the story! Until next time,
hey juls! here for EvS, team emerald :D
i really think you did a great job depicting hermione's despair and just..her wish to let everything go, be with ron, stop being the minister all the time and simply be a wife hoping that her husband will get better even though she knows it isn't likely.
then, when she has to deal with neville, harry and draco and put up the minister persona for them, it's obvious she's barely dealing with everything. i think the joke she wants to make really shows that off - it's not supposed to be funny and you obviously wrote it as a way to display her troubled mental state. it's a powerful tool! it also goes to show that she's willing to believe in and act upon a prophecy made by trelawney, when, while at school, she never thought divination had any merit. at this point in time she's willing to do anything if it means it would help save both ron and the wizarding world.
this was such a great chapter and you did an awesome job in writing it, especially showing the desperation!
Hi, Starbuck, I'm here for Team Emerald of the Slytherin EvS Review Tag to review the first chapter of this fascinating story.
I see that you have started your gang of authors off with a bang! No beating around the bush. Your idea to tell the story of the outbreak of the disease and the rapid deterioration of the situation by using serial news releases works very well indeed. It is just how some poor wizarding family would get the news day by day, each day worse than the previous one.
You have such good details: The cult group's conspiracy theory; the hoarding of supplies by doomsday survivalists; the initial medical advice to the public of not panicking into thinking that a simple common cold was The Dread, later followed by advice not to try self-healing measures; the closing of schools and their conversion into more treatment space; the interdiction on travel. All these news reports really add up to conveying the sense of emergency and panic, although the journalists try to remain calm and give the impression that the government is actually dealing with the epidemic responsibly.
Interesting to cast Draco Malfoy in the role of Head of the Magical Disease Control (the wizarding equivalent of the CDC). His early interest and talent in Potions, plus his familial example of executive functioning, reasonably leads to this administrative career in health science.
But we can sense Draco's anger and frustration at a situation that is out of hand by his language in the radio interview. First he refuses to estimate when a cure will be found (he probably doesn't know, but doesn't want to admit that), and his controlled, unemotional speech quickly devolves into coarse language, and he refers to Harry and Neville by their surnames only whereas a more formal speaking style would be to refer to them as Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom, along with their professional titles.
Interesting that here in 2029, almost 31 years after the Battle of Hogwarts, the press is still referring to Harry as The Chosen One and referring to Ron as a member of the trio who managed to defeat Lord Voldemort. Some things are hard to live down!
Enjoyable chapter, nice job.
This is a really great continuation of the story that leads up to my chapter! I really liked how Hermione was able to compartmentalize her life, its very much something Hermione would do. you really write a great Hermione!
I like how Draco must know Hermione well enough to recognize how her not noticing it first was out of character for her.
and most of all i really appretiated the sensitivity Harry showed about his bestfriends. That really struck a chord in me.
Rumples! This chapter is so wow! You actually had me getting all misty over Ron. I desperately love the way he talks about Hermione here! And the way you described the skeletons and the rats (lol i mean thats golden right there) coming for him, that was perfect, and i could literally picture every bit of this story in my head.
you are a fantastic writer and you did such a fab job continuing where Starbuck left off.
Just popped in to say I absolutely love your Snape! He's soo snarky it makes me swoon.
You did a great job on your chapter, and I love it so much!
I can't wait to read all of the rest of them!
This colaboration has been one of my favorite projects of Slytherin House has been this collaboration. I am in love with how things are coming together. You did an amazing job of writing Hermione and her struggles with everything going on in this story.
I am particularly fond of how Hermione has her true nature and then the mask of being the minister or magic. I think you handled her brink very well and how she came back from it to continue to do the work she needs to do.
You have also done a wonderful job of laying out the gravity of the situation as everyone tries to figure out the answers to the problem the Wizarding World is facing. You also did a nice job showing the reasons and emotions of the other characters present while focusing on Hermione and her role in this tale.
I truly enjoyed this read as I have enjoyed everything that is written thus far fantastic work.
I think you've done a lovely job in depicting Hermione as she works through such awful times. It must be difficult for her as Minister for Magic, as a lot of people are looking to her for solutions. I love the sense of hopelessness that you've woven in here because it's a completely realistic set of emotions she's struggling with as she watches the world around her crumble and her husband cling to life. I also love how this depicts everyone (who can) come together under the circumstances -- Neville, Hermione, Harry, Draco... just to try to battle this thing.
Just wanted to stop in and say kudos!
I just wanted to make sure to pop by and leave you a review! I really really enjoyed the build up of the outbreak! You are truly a talented writer. The way you are able to engage your readers inspires me and I cannot wait to read Loren of your writing. I think there is no better way this story could have begun. Again really great story!
Nicely done, Kris. You've written the build up to the crisis well. Given us (the readers) enough of a sense of urgency and hopelessness. That Ron is one of the afflicted gives validity to the story idea.
I also like (aka love) the fact that you've various publications as your sources to build up the level of the crisis. Showing the dispair of the magical community we've all known and come to love.
That the magical world could be very well at the brink of extinction. (Just like the dinosaurs, dodo and others. Now, it has hit humankind.)
Aww, Rumpels, you had to give me the feels for Ron with this chapter. He's not my favorite (but NOT my least favorite either - that is left for Umbridge herself!), and I've killed him off in a fic (or two, possibly). You've given him a human side, more so than JKR ever did for me. (Of the trio, I honestly think he was the leass fleshed out. More fleshed out though than our beloved Draco!)
His pain is panful to read. It makes me root for a cure in time to save him, actually. That's a powerful thing =)
Thanks also, for humanizing Hermione. Your writing off her is beautiful.
Let's kick this 'Dread', okay?
Kris, it's amazing what you managed to convey in this opening chapter. Each article paints an ever-bleaker situation as this epidemic begins to spread.
At the same time, you've managed to weave bits of humor in it. I love the last part in particular. You nailed Draco losing his patience perfectly. And then to have the interviewer end it with Harry Potter going to save the wizarding world again is just too much. I can just imagine Draco about to explode.
Very well done!
Rumpel, this was sooooo well written! I love the morbid hallucinations of skeletons and maggots. And the rats - after carrying around a rat for years as a student, now he sees visions of them nibbling on him. That was a lovely touch.
Great job overall keeping with the 'on the brink' theme while continuing to build on what starbuck began.
Heya, kris! o/
Just wanted to stop by and let you know that I think you did a fabulous job with this prologue! I love how the notes, articles, and reports help to outline the sequence of events on an actual, physical timeline. Naturally, my favorite part is the news article from the Daily Flibbertigibbet and the S.N.A.K.E.S.. Of course they're worried about the effects the disease is having on Basilisks' food source -- I'm crying.
aww, thanks rumpels! i really had lots of fun writing this - it's something i've never really done until we worked on this collab story - a whole chapter just filled with various reports, newspaper articles and such to tell the story, but i thought it would be a good way as an introduction as to what exactly is happening in the wizarding world. ahhah, yeah, i just had to include S.N.A.K.E.S. - it was my best invention during the HC finale that i just couldn't not have one of their crazy articles in here :D
thanks for the review!