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Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 14 Apr 2019 04:25 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Hi, 800 words of heaven,

 

(written for the emerald Team of EvS, and to comment on your cute story.)

 

This is a sweet little story, just a tiny moment in time, Teddy being so clueless that he almost blows his chance, and Victoire about ready to give him up as a lost cause.

 

I love all the little turns of phrase that you sprinkle throughout the story, such as his green hair saving Mother Earth, and his smile rivaling a half-crazed chimpanzee's grimace of aggression.  And the mention of the cactus plant, though just a bit of small talk, adds to the color of the scene.

 

I appreciate your characters' sudden change of mood at the end of this short story.  Teddy is too disconcerted by his feelings of infatuation to really focus on what Victoire is saying, and too convinced that he doesn't have a chance.  Victoire is too frustrated (and maybe embarrassed) by his failure to pick up on her ever-broader clues until he forces her to spell it out.  Luckily both of them are wiliing, within a few seconds, to put the awkwardness behind them and start over on a better note.  It could easily have gone the other way.

 

I have always thought that the hair-color-changing quality of a metamorphmagus was one of J. K. Rowling's less successful ideas.  But there we have it and must deal with it if we write about Teddy or Tonks.  Given that, I think you dealt with it well, giving it some sort of semi-logical significance and acknowledging that for Teddy it was still something of a problem.

 

I enjoyed this little story, a nice balance of dialogue, setting, and introspection.  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki



Name: NW2017 (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 10/06/2017

Oh jeez... I'm blubbering 😢

Author's Response: Oh no! (But also yay! All the feels!)



Name: Marshal (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 05/15/2016

Hey dear,

I'm here with a hot seat review. I wanted to say that this was nice. I certainly got teary eyed, so nice job. You put an interesting perspective on a lot of the siblings and Fred's take on them. While it was George, Ron and Ginny that made me closest to tears I loved what you did with Charlie and Bill. That Bill taught Fred some of his tricks and the admiration of Charlie for going away. I now feel like I've left Percy out, it was a good take on him too, I like the last line for him to ask him to think of humor. Over all, very well done! Thank for writing and sharing this story, I'm glad I took the time to read it.

-Marshal

Author's Response: Thank you! I'm sorry for making you teary eyed though! I usually write much happier stuff than this. Thanks for the wonderful Hot Seat review :)



Name: EnigmaticEyes16 (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 05/06/2016

Hi, I'm here for the Slytherin Hot Seat!

800, this story was so precious! And really sad. And I'm surprised I am just reading it now. I adore Fred and the fact that he only wants to see his family happy and to see them remember him alive and happy as well. Of course he doesn't want them to remember his as dead because that makes him sad, and that's just so unlike Fred.

I loved each individual bit for each sibling. I loved that Bill stayed up late and taught his little brother who caught him sneaking out a bunch of new things instead of leaving him to snog a girl. I loved that Fred would listen to Charlie forever about dragons, and that he sent Fred letters every one when he left. And Percy! I loved the bit about Percy making a joke and Fred laughing. I love that Fred was so proud of Percy for coming back and for achieving the greatness he worked for. By the time I got to George I wanted to cry. Poor George has to go on without his twin, his best friend, his other half and that is the saddest bit of all. Ron's bit also made me want to cry. I love that Ron grew up always feeling like the odd one out, the unloved one, but in fact Fred loved him the most and Fred knew he was the bravest and strongest of all of them. And little Ginny! I wouldn't say she defeated the Dark Lord, considering she was unconscious. But she did survive and came back to them and that definitely counts for something. She did grow up to be a strong, and fierce woman and I'm sure Fred knows he had something to do with that.

All in all I thought this was the sweetest and saddest story ever. But still happy. Because in the end his family was happy, even though they'd always miss him, and that made him happy.

Great one-shot, 800!

xxNix

Author's Response: Hey, Nix! Thanks for dropping by!

Thanks so much for the wonderful review! This story was meant to be both sad and happy at the same time, so I'm pleased that you found it to be so.



Name: looneylizzie (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 04/29/2016

Hello!

Here's prize review 2 of 3 for the Name that Fandom Challenge!

Once again, I headed for Like a House on Fire, but then this one caught my attention and I just couldn’t say no. It’s your fault really, there’s too many interesting stories on your AP!! :D

Oh, look, there’s my heart shattered in a million pieces on the floor. It’s not like I needed it or anything.

No, seriously, FEELS. WHY MUST YOU HURT ME THIS WAY?!?!

GAH. Words are failing me now. I don’t know how to express how much I both love and hate this story. I hate it ‘cause… feels, but I love it because it’s just SO PERFECT. You’ve captured Fred’s personality so well, and written this in a way that feels so true to character — I feel like this is *exactly* what he would’ve said to his family if he had the chance before he died.

The way you summed up his relationship with each of his siblings in such tiny paragraphs is absolutely amazing as well. You manage to convey so much emotion in so few words, and it’s simply perfect. The relationship he has with each one of his siblings is so unique and so special, which makes it all the more powerful. And heartbreaking.

Each of the lines just before he says ”Remember me not as dead.” is like a punch in the gut each time. They’re so POWERFUL, and each one brought tears to my eyes.

I think the one to Ron was the one that really got me though. ”Remember that you’re my king.”

*sobs hysterically*

WHY?!?!

Then you go and give us a tiny piece of closure at the end that makes it hurt just a *little* less by saying that eventually they remember Fred the way he wanted them to.

I’m still crying though.

But this story is AMAZING, and I’m so glad that I read it. It’s so unique in style and voice, yet stays true to the Fred we all know an love.

Amazing job my dear! Keep writing!!

Lizzie

P.S. Sorry if this review is a little short. Words really are failing me at the moment (and it’s kinda late).

Author's Response: Haha! Like a House on Fire awaits for you eagerly! ONE DAY.

I think this story is accidentally sadder than I intended it to be. I wrote it as a way to show that there's always good times to be had, even in the midst of your grief.

You've hit the nail on the head with Fred. I wrote this with the way Fred would want to be remembered very much in mind. I'm glad that this comes through.

Thanks for the wonderful review, Lizzie! Don't worry about the length. It means a lot that you took the time to write something at all!



Name: NPE (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 04/20/2016

Hi there,

Thanks for agreeing to the review swap. I intend to post another review alongside this one to make up for being so late with my reply, AND because this is great and I wish to read more.

Also - kudos for the great review you left me, I appreciate the chapter was very long (another reason I really am looking to try and give you two reviews ;) )

So - this goodbye felt authentically poignant and the summarising lines in italic were beautifully adopted and conceived.

I really got a sense of the emotional wrenching at play, and the remember me not as dead was brutally effective. The rhythmic nature of the phrase really affected me.

This story is well written and covers an admirable amount in such a short amount of words. These work on whether they play with the subjective, ie. our emotional palette. This did - so thank you for letting me read it.

Back with more soon :)

Nick

Author's Response: Thanks for the swap, too! I really enjoyed myself.

I'm so pleased that you enjoyed this little story. It's very different to what I usually write, so I was really worried about posting it.

Thanks once again, Nick!



Name: adluvshp (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 04/18/2016

SNAKE REVIEW TAG.

OMG I AM CRYING. I AM CRYING SO MUCH. THE FEELS ASDFGHJKL;

This was so heartbreaking and beautifully written and so, so sad. Fred's goodbye to his family. *sobs*

The way you wrote Fred addressing each of his siblings one by one was just lovely. I really liked the little moments he picked out to highlight from Charlie's letters to Ginny's birth. It was all very sweetly done.

I particularly loved how Fred wanted to be remembered happy and didn't want his family to be sad or cry because of his death. The idea of him ""watching"" from the afterlife was so touching.

Your descriptions were magnificent and really your writing here was just fantastic. I don't know what else to say except that I really really loved reading this one-shot and it struck a chord with me. Amazing work.

Love

Angie

(Lost Muse)

Author's Response: YAY FOR CRYING BUT ALSO NO FOR CRYING. ALL THE FEELS ARE GOOD.

Thanks so much for the lovely review! I really enjoyed choosing different moments that Fred might choose to talk to his siblings about.

Thank you for loving the descriptions! The piece floats in the ether otherwise :P

Hugs! Xx



Name: PaulaTheProkaryote (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 04/03/2016

YOU DID THIS TO ME! I have to take a break now from reading so that I can try (probably fail) to emotionally heal.

BILL: [sobs endlessly.] Really, I think Bill is probably now responsible for at least half of the mayhem the boys got into.

CHARLIE: [blows nose into blanket.] Well he really is the coolest of them. Honestly this reminds me of the way Harry semi-idolized him in the books. I think it's so sweet that they had the kind of relationship they did. I know Charlie was so busy chasing his dreams, but he didn't forget his kid brother, even when his kid brother forgot to write back.

PERCY: [contemplates why I picked this one knowing how much it would hurt.] I knew this one was going to especially hurt when I saw the name. ""I’m glad that I heard you make a joke before I died."" ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR BREAKING MY HEART? I bet you are.

GEORGE:[wails into the night, mimicking an angry wombat.] I had half a mind to skip right over this and pretend I read this bit. ""we’ll never truly be apart""

RON: [finally almost laughing through the pain] SO THAT'S WHY HE HATES SPIDERS! Poor Ron! ""My left buttock does."" That's the best line of the entire story! That's exactly the kind of thing that Ron would need to hear. ""Remember that you’re my king"" WEASLEY IS OUR KING!

GINNY: [spello-taping my heart back together] I'm so pleased that of all the things he could say, he's proud of her for her fierceness. You know that entire thing must have haunted her for years, but there's the positive spin she'd need.

This story broke my heart and healed it and I'll be okay in a few hours probably, but seriously. This was just too much in such a good way. I'm so happy-sad. I'll try to take his advice and remember the good times.

Author's Response: #sorrynotsorry

Bill: Bill is definitely the original Fred and George, for sure.

Charlie: I feel that Charlie is always the most ignored Weasley brother, and I reckon its because he's just too cool. And that's such an elder sibling-younger sibling relationship, you know?

Percy: This one was the most painful for me to write. I really felt for Percy after Fred's death, because he was the one who was there.

George: There have been others who have skipped this paragraph, so I wouldn't blame you.

Ron: I really enjoyed making that back story! Of course it would involve the crazy twins!

Ginny: She's the baby of the family. Everyone is going to see her that way, so it was nice to write that relationship in a way that shows that they still see her as a mature person.

I'm glad that you are happy-sad! Happy-sad is good! Thanks for the wonderful review, Paula!



Name: victoria_anne (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 03/29/2016

800 words of heaven

Always a good writer. Sometimes makes me cry.

THIS STORY IS NOT OKAY. I have goosebumps. I laughed, I cried, I'm an emotional mess! Okay okay breathe...

Bill - Ah, so that's how the twins learnt their tricks (because I'm sure Fred would have told George straight away!) - what a cool big brother!

Charlie - Okay, this made me laugh, with all of Charlie's dragon stories! Why did he write to just Fred, I wonder? Well, better late than never, right Fred?

Percy - I saw the name and knew this would break my heart, and it did. I love love love what you wrote about Percy being the one to make Molly proud. That's just beautiful, because it's true. He worked so hard at his position in the Ministry, all his studying and jazz, but it was simply him coming home that made everyone so proud. And Fred got to hear his joke. *sniff* I'm not crying YOU'RE CRYING

George - Nope. Skipping this. Just no.

Ron - And now I'm cracking up again! What are you trying to do to me?! ""My left buttock does"" ha ha ha! Aw Weasley is our King! This message is just beautiful. Of course Ron will be brave.

Ginny - So sweet that he remembers when she was born! And the mentioning of defeating Voldy at 11 - such a good detail to include.

I am NOT surprised that you cried! That is probably why this is so good. You've poured so much emotion into this, and in case you haven't noticed, I can feel it. Absolutely AMAZING. I really did enjoy, I swear... once I've forgiven you... It's short, but just beautiful.

♥ ♥ ♥

Author's Response: Awks for making you cry. But for this story I think it's only fair since it made me do the same.

Yay for emotional mess! Death is messy. So is grieving. I have achieved my evil master plan.

Bill - where else would they learn it? He is the eldest, so I bet he knows the most about escaping the Burrow.

Charlie - he's just very enthusiastic about dragons, you know? And he probably only wrote to Fred because he was his fave sibling.

Percy - this part was actually the easiest to write. I knew what I wanted from this section before I started writing. I think this one made me cry the hardest.

George - yup. Agreed. Moving on...

Ron - go figure Fred brings up his left buttock at a time like this. Only Fred.

Ginny - yay for defeating Voldy at eleven! And Harry thought he was the only one!

I'VE NEVER CRIED WRITING A STORY BEFORE. Thank you so much for this wonderful review! *tissues* *hugs*



Name: TheEmotionalTeaspoon (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 03/28/2016

WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? Uh, I mean... is someone chopping onions in here?

This was beautiful. I really loved the way you structured it and all the little stories you painted so vibrantly in so few words. I think the part Fred wrote to Ginny was one of my favorites, although the little anecdote you used in Bill's was wonderful too.

Great work, good luck in the challenge, I think everyone will love this. (Maybe warn them to grab a box of tissues first though.)

Kate

Author's Response: Aww! Thank you! All the onions are being chopped in the vicinity! Muhahaha!

I'm glad you liked it. It's quite different to how I usually write, so it was fun - AND VERY SAD. I loved that anecdote about Bill, too!

Thanks for the lovely review :)



Name: TidalDragon (Anonymous) · Date: 03 Oct 2018 12:14 AM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Transferred from offsite at request of the author

Originally left on 03/28/2016

Howdy! Now that your pair is complete, I'm trying to get the jump on reading so I can give y'all as quick a turnaround time as possible - so here I am!

What I enjoyed most about this piece was undoubtedly its authenticity. It didn't try too hard to achieve soaring prose or force too much humor into a situation (and for Fred, a state really) that is anything but. At the same time it managed to capture things that I think Fred would've truly appreciated about his siblings.

Throughout the story I will admit to wondering how you would resolve the repetition of the phrase ""Remember me not as dead."" Because you worked it so hard I thought the resolution would be crucial to the final interpretation of the story and that certainly proved true with the yearning feeling of the closing lines yielding to a realization of Fred's wish for his family in the contrasting lines ""They remember you as you were: alive, loved, happy. They remember Fred not as dead."" From a stylistic perspective I also liked the shift in perspective between the last two lines from the second person to the third. My impression was that the choice was made to demonstrate that the realization of Fred's wish also gave him the closure to ""look away"" and not feel as if he's constantly wishing his family well because he finally sees that they are. If that's what you were going for I thought it was subtle and clever and awesome. If not - well, I've been known to overthink things before :p

Thanks for participating!

Author's Response: Wow! That was super fast!

You are absolutely right. I didn't want to achieve any heights of beautiful prose with this piece. It's just Fred saying goodbye and telling his siblings to remember him as he was. I wanted it to be very real in that way.

Haha, I really laboured on that point, I know! It's a bit selfish what Fred wants, but it comes from a good place, so I milked that line for all it's worth - probably more than it's worth but OH WELL. I don't think you over-analysed at all. You've understood what I wanted to achieve - which I hope means that I actually achieved it!

Thanks for the wonderful review, and good luck with the judging! There's some great writers participating, and I don't envy your task of picking winners :P



Name: toomanycurls (Signed) · Date: 21 May 2018 03:20 AM · starstarstarstarstar [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

Here for the review battle. Argh! (that was a competitive battle cry) 

 

First off: grandmother could be a dragon. Is this a literal or figurative thing? I just can't decide which I like more. Fierce Andromeda or Andromeda that might morph into a scaly beast. 

 

I love the mood ring hair trope, especially with a teenage Teddy. Green hair when he sees her. For hope maybe? Gah! I feeeeel his youthful butterflies and awkwardness. You do a great job describing how their relationship has evolved, at least for Teddy. It seems very common for people that age who have known someone their whole life. My eyes jumped to hard and I was all “what did I miss” 

 

Don't judge. It's after midnight. 

 

I would not want to keep a carnivorous plant alive. Mine would probably die too. 

 

Ah! She's trying to ask him out! Ahhh! He's obviously dying. :-o These two are going to killlllll me if not Teddy. I feel like I just rode a roller coaster but I'm glad you let them agree to go on a date. 

I love the symmetry of the life problem list

 



Author's Response:

I totally read that battle cry as if it were occurring on a pirate ship.

 

With Andromeda, who knows if it's literal or figurative. If it's figurative, she's scary. If it's literal, she's still scary, but also super cool.

 

Mood ring hair trope! There has to be a period in a metamorphagus' life where they don't have complete control over their superpower, and adolescence strikes me as the best (and worst) time for this to occur. All that physiological and psychological development! I wonder if it would also be difficult to control as someone got dementia, or some other sort of cognitive impairment, like a traumatic brain injury. He gets green hair when he sees her because I think green hair is cool, I didn't really put much more thought into it than that, lol. But it could be for hope!

 

Not gonna lie, the placing of that particular "hard" may have been to be as suggestive as possible :P

 

I feel like it would be more fun to keep a carnivorous plant alive. This is, of course, coming from someone who is neutral towards gardening.

 

Gosh, Victoire tries so much with Teddy. And he's just. So oblivious. I took a certain amount of glee with that scene, I must admit. But they figure it out in the end, because the start of their love story deserved a happy ending. The mood ring hair trope would've been a complete waste, otherwise!



Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 08 Jun 2017 08:25 PM · [Report This]
Story:Problems Chapter: Problems

*Transferred from a really long time ago on HPFF*

 

Review Tag!

This was so cute! I really liked the goofy imagery ("chimpanzee smile" - haha) I love Teddy and Victoire, and I think you perfectly capture the awkwardness of the "uh-oh" moment of people realising they might not be just friends anymore. And I thought the way you began and ended the story was really good, with the list of problems.

I'd also like to add that you should write a story about how Teddy's grandmother might be a dragon. That was the most random detail but I found it so funny!

Great job on this, I loved it! :)



Author's Response:

*Transferred from HPFF*

 

Hello, there!

 

I'm glad you enjoyed it. The chimpanzee line was one of my favourites to write. And thank you for liking the problems list. It took me a very long time to get it to sound right.

 

I really shouldd write a story about that - I think it would be an interesting one!

 

Thanks for the wonderful review!



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