Just dropping by to leave you a review for Quodpot Match 2 because this story is tagged with Action/Adventure!
Wow! I’m not sure what to say to be honest. So much happened in this chapter. And your characters are so intense and interesting. This review might end up being a bit chaotic as I try to unscramble my thoughts, but I feel like it might be fitting as that’s sort of how the chapter was. Chaotic.
Mrs. Chugh seemed very stuffy and unlikable to me. She came across almost like she felt she was superior to the people around her. I really disliked her attitude towards the old lady with the bangles. Even if she thought she was wrong about the store, she didn’t have to be rude about it.
The paper clip store was intriguing. I have to think there’s more than just paper clips to the store. Maybe the jars of paper clips turn into Gods when believers enter?
Also, the old temple on the top of the hill and the old civilization. Who were they? Did they idolize the gods and cause problems? Why is Mrs. Chugh so freaked out about it?
I also have to imagine that the shooting star has some significance. I don’t think it’s just a coincidence. I think it’s a harbinger of what’s to come.
Please, write more of this. It’s off to a super interesting start and I’d love to read more.
Hihi! :) So I was scouring the archives for something to read, and this popped up and it sounded so good I had to read and, well. oh. my. god. this is such a fascinating start you've got.
Like, seriously, I'm completely hooked. I've always loved stories which deal with any kind of interplay between Science and magic, so this is right up my kind of street, and I'm so curious to see how you've developed this magic- and religion-less world: what do people believe? What's happened to all the religious art or artefacts? Are they all gone or destroyed or simply hidden? What roles will Science and religion play against each other in the story - is there any way they work together?
And how is it that so few people - including the old crone at the bangle stall (who I love already as a character, haha) - can see the shop?
Your writing is also so so beautiful. You have a real talent for description and characterisation and making your readers feel so incredibly immersed in the story. It's amazing.
I'm so unbelievably curious. Please, please update :) This is amazing; you're amazing.
Hi there! I'm here with your review! And yes, I definitely am up for reading Original Fiction. I was really excited when I saw you'd posted this in my review thread. Your story summary sounds amazing and absolutely right up my alley.
Wow, this is such a bizarre start. I LOVE IT. Like, nothing weird actually happens, but there's this underlying feeling that *odd things* are happening, or beginning to happen. It's like a lowkey suspense that's just hovering in the background of the narration. What a perfect way to start. I love the aura of mystery you cultivate surrounding this ruin on top of the hill, and how this crazy old lady is the only one who sees it, so Mrs Chugh isn't sure whether to believe such wild testimony. (As the reader, I believe her, only because I know that this is the start of a story so she must be right :P . But if I were Mrs Chugh, I'd probably have the same reaction of mostly skepticism with a bit of curiosity.)
Instead the shop housed the most mundane, the most mind-numbingly boring collection of paper-clips. Jars of identical shape and size containing every kind of paper-clip imaginable stood in neat rows upon book cases. -- As mundane as this is, it's kind of an eerie image. Like, why would this place exist. An entire building full of nothing but paperclips. It's so weird. I can't help but think there's more to it than that, and does this kid know about all the things that (I imagine) are happening there when no one sees?) Is he involved?
IT TOTALLY WASN'T A SHOOTING STAR, WAS IT??? What is it?! Aliens? The paperclips aren't really paperclips? Ahh, I really wanted to click onto the next chapter but there isn't one yet :P
Your descriptions throughout the chapter are wonderful, btw. I could picture everything so clearly in my head. And the pacing/flow are great as well as you build up this uneasy atmosphere. Any minute now I'm expecting to hear the theme music from The Twilight Zone :P
In regards to your concerns, no, I don't think it was confusing. It certainly raises a lot (A LOT) of questions, but that's what first chapters are supposed to do. It's a very effective, attention-grabbing first chapter and I'm eager to read more of this when you have more posted! Great job on this so far.