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07 Mar 2017






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Reviews by Oregonian


Permission by Diogenissa

Rated: Mature Audiences • 8 Reviews starstarstarstar
Summary:

 

You can feel it, it's growing stronger. What are you going to do Lucius? What are you going to do when the master returns?

 

 

 

beyond perfect banner by Draco_Luva @ TDA

 

Written for Infinityx's Second Person Challenge (Honorable Mention)


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 19 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Start Running

For Slytherin Review Battle, Team Emerald.


 


Wow, Karen.  This is really something else!  When it started out, I was wondering who was speaking to Lucius, but clearly it's not any embodied person.  It's not Lucius talking to himself -- it's much too demonic.  It's as if he's possessed.


 


I am awed by the way you can keep it up for so many words, and yet you're not repetitive or too wordy.  You're simply wringiing all the meaning possible out of every thought.  I have encountered a few other writers who can do this, but very few (and I'm not one of them).


 


If this is truly an accurate depiction of what's going on in Lucius's head, he must be nearly suicidal.  Yet in the early books of the series, he is the pompous ass, aloof, that you describe but declare to be a false front.  Underneath, this mad voice declares, he knows what awaits him; the false front will eventually crumble.


 


You've achieved a one-of-a-kind piece.  I have read some second-person stories before, but they seemed contrived.  This story shows what second person can do when it's done right.  Great job.


 


Vicki



Problems by 800 words of heaven

Rated: All Audiences • 13 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

Problems Banner

 

Teddy Lupin had many problems in his life.

But his biggest problem?

 

Victoire Weasley

 

Runner-up of My Father Will Hear About These 2018: Best Love Bites

Written for Coley's Fluff Challenge @HPFF | Banner by Neverland. @tda


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 14 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Problems

Hi, 800 words of heaven,

 

(written for the emerald Team of EvS, and to comment on your cute story.)

 

This is a sweet little story, just a tiny moment in time, Teddy being so clueless that he almost blows his chance, and Victoire about ready to give him up as a lost cause.

 

I love all the little turns of phrase that you sprinkle throughout the story, such as his green hair saving Mother Earth, and his smile rivaling a half-crazed chimpanzee's grimace of aggression.  And the mention of the cactus plant, though just a bit of small talk, adds to the color of the scene.

 

I appreciate your characters' sudden change of mood at the end of this short story.  Teddy is too disconcerted by his feelings of infatuation to really focus on what Victoire is saying, and too convinced that he doesn't have a chance.  Victoire is too frustrated (and maybe embarrassed) by his failure to pick up on her ever-broader clues until he forces her to spell it out.  Luckily both of them are wiliing, within a few seconds, to put the awkwardness behind them and start over on a better note.  It could easily have gone the other way.

 

I have always thought that the hair-color-changing quality of a metamorphmagus was one of J. K. Rowling's less successful ideas.  But there we have it and must deal with it if we write about Teddy or Tonks.  Given that, I think you dealt with it well, giving it some sort of semi-logical significance and acknowledging that for Teddy it was still something of a problem.

 

I enjoyed this little story, a nice balance of dialogue, setting, and introspection.  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki



Burned by Ice by 800 words of heaven

Rated: Teen Audiences • 23 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

Burned by Ice Banner

 

She knew the price of hate; and if she could perish twice, she knew that death by ice would certainly suffice.

Either way, she burned.

 

For Lululuna @HPFF

 

Written for ReeBee and randomhpffwriter's Gift-It Challenge @HPFF, and the Every Word Counts Challenge @HPFF | Banner by .brookeabee @tda


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 11 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Frostbite

For the Slythein May EvS Review Battle.

 

This is an unexpected event to be written as a Missing Moment -- the final thoughts of Helena Ravenclaw as she dies at the hands of the Baron.

 

The final question of the doorknocker was not a real riddle, but just a question, a solicitation of Helena's opinion/preference, so there really cannot be a correct answer in an absolute sense.  The image comes to mind of Bilbo Baggins playing the ancient riddle game with Gollum, where Bilbo suddenly asks, "What do I have in my pocket?" and the question is labeled as not actually a riddle.

 

The poem from which this story's theme was taken equates "fire" with "desire", and maybe for the Baron his initial emotion was desire, but it is interesting that you have chosen to have fire exemplify different emotions -- anger and jealousy -- for Helena.  

 

When speaking with Harry in Deathly Hallows, Helena simply says, "I sought to make myself cleverer, more important than my mother."  Those words do not express the intensity of what she felt as described in your story.  "...she'd competed against the one she should not have had to: her mother."  But whose fault was that?  Countless children over the ages have struggled with the challeng and burden of growing up in the shadow of an accomplished parent.

 

The poem equates "ice" with "hate" and Helena considers herself familiar with that emotion also.  But whom did she hate?  The Baron, for pursuing her?  Her mother, for representing an impossible standard?  Or did she feel hated (unloved) by her mother for not living up to "wit beyond measure"?

 

How sad.

 

A thought-provoking little story.  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki



Isabella by TreacleTart

Rated: Teen Audiences • 35 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Past Featured Story
Summary:

OC- Isabella

Lovely banner by amoretti @ TDA!

WINNER of Pride Of Gryffindor 2019 - Most Original Character
Written for jessicalorewrites' Diversity Challenge

A story about turning thirteen and the magic world in Mexico.    


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 13 Feb 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 3: A Child Of Oaxaca

Well, I have read the first three chapters now.  What a great idea, to write a story set in Mexico.  After reading these chapters, I am captivated by your characters and setting, which you describe so skillfully.  Doña Marisol is quite the lady, and the family dynamics in Isabella's home are nuanced, believable, and well developed.  As always, your prose flows so smoothy that it is a pleasure to read, and the careful copy-editing is a gift to your readers.  

 

I have never been so far south as Oaxaca, though I did spend time in Mexico City and the surrounding area in the winter of 1961-62, and more recently in Yucatan, so it will be fun to read about Isabella's adventures in Mexico City and compare what she sees there with what I saw so long ago.

 

I am looking forward to learning what is unique about the Mexican magic school.  Surely it will be full of Mexican culture and history, with the basics of magic thrown in.  

 

A couple of typos that auto-correct didn't pick up because they formed real words: Chapter 1, line 6 --"...markets that team with people..." Amend 'team' to 'teem'.  Later in the story -- "Doña Marisol walks through the isles of pews..."  Amend 'isles' to 'aisles'.  Again, at the beginning of the story, "Quickly I spur my horse around the cows in a quick, tight circle."  You can delete one of the quicks.

That's the only ConCrit that I can find in these many thousands of words!  I'm sure that this is going to be a great story, and hopefully the upcoming chapters will appear soon.

 

Vicki



The Ultimate Betrayal by RoxiMalfoy

Rated: Teen Audiences • 4 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

~ Banner: floralprint @TDA ~ Beta: MrsJaydeMalfoy ~ For Dirigible_Plums' AU Challenge ~



Percy Weasley was tired of being underestimated when all he wanted was to be treated like an equal. He had been longing for someone to acknowledge his true potential and take him seriously. Now that he had found just that, he was not about to let go. No more would he be mocked and mistreated by his peers, for Percy Weasley was about to commit the ultimate betrayal.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 16 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 2: The Ultimate Decision

For the Slytherin April EvS Review Battle, Team Emerald

 

Hi Deana,

 

First off, I have to say that what I like most about this story is that it is different from most other stories that are posted in this archive.  It is rare to see a story about Percy Weasley trying to make his way within the Ministry during the dark days of Voldemort's takeover.  I can think of one other, on another site, written in October of 2103.  And yet there's huge scope for Percy-in-the-Ministry stories.

 

You have captured Percy's personality well -- his insecurity and self-doubt, his huge need to prove himself and win admiration, his naïvete, his ambition, his alienation from his family, his craving for order and security.  It's all there.

 

You have also captured Pius Thicknesse's feet of clay, Voldemort's cunning, and Percy's ulltimate terror.  And I like your use of details in the horrifying scene in the dingy pub, where Percy is first allured and then trapped.  You have left us with a cliffhanger -- what in the world will Percy do now?

 

I see that you last updated this story in May of 2017, and you seem to be working mainly on your Draco story, "Love, Not War."  It would be a shame never to come back to this story and let us know how Percy gets out of this!

 

Good job.  Thank you for writing.

Vicki



Winding Road by toomanycurls

Rated: Mature Audiences • 3 Reviews starstarstarstar
Summary:

Scorpius is trying to recover after an abusive relationship but finds it hard to move on.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 17 Sep 2017 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

An interesting story, Rose.  I haven't read much of your work yet, so I don't know if this story is part of a larger head canon, but it certainly could be (probably is), and yet it stands alone very well.  The parameters of the situation are clearly stated, and you wisely focus on just one self-contained event, creating a well-structured story arc.  You show us the man behind the events, the man whose progress, even if slight during this one-day episode, gives the story its dynamic quality.



Life As We Know It by Slytherinchica08

Rated: Mature Audiences • 28 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star
Summary:

Life As We Know It banner

*banner by littlemissy @ TDA

The wizarding world is torn apart by war, yet even whilst the battle lines are being drawn, two people strike up an unlikely friendship. Could it be that a war designed to pull people apart is responsible for pushing Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger together?


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 26 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 8: Chapter 8

Hi Erica,

 

I binge-read all your chapters and am writing my general impressions so far, for our review swap.

 

This story certainly is a slow build, slow burn.  I was beginning to wonder whether Draco and Hermione were ever going to budge from their hardened positions of mutual disrespect, but in Chapter 8 there is finally a hint of movement, when Hermione asks Draco why he gave her helpful advice during her flight from the attack at Stonehenge and he says that he did it because he didn't want her blood on his hands.  That's hardly an "I love you," but, coming from Draco, it suggests a fundamental shift.

 

There's really not much of Ron in this story, and even less of Harry (though the scene between Harry and Hermione as they throw bits of parchment into the fire was poignant, well done).  Your story is almost all about Hermione so far, her first-person thoughts and emotions.  I skimmed through "Half-Blood Prince" again to see exactly what canon said about Hermione during this year, and it was surprising to see what a small role she actually plays in this book, mostly stuff about her objections to Harry's using the annotated Potions textbook.

 

So that means that she is fair game for whatever you want to devise about her and her thoughts during this year.  I checked to see what the book had her doing over the Christmas holidays, but there was nothing -- it was all about Harry at the Burrow, and when the students all return to Hogwarts in January, Harry asks her how her Christmas was, and she answers, "Oh, fine.  Nothing special."  So if we are to mesh your story with canon as much and as far as possible, then I will say that Hermione was one cool cucumber!

 

I liked your Chaper 4, the so-called "filler" chapter, as a refreshing change of pace from the relentless tension between Hermione, Ron, and Draco.  It was good to see her in a calm, sensible place doing activities that made her happy, in the company of a sympathetic OC.  It showed us the Hermione we know, the competent, in-control girl, and it was good to know that that person was still there.

 

So we seem to have three story lines at present: What is Draco doing in the Room of Requirment?   How and why is the relationship between Draco and Pansy crumbling (we have to get it out of the way), and is Hermione getting over Ron, to allow for a new relationship with Draco?  What other war events (canon or non-canon) will develop to affect them all during this year?

 

There is still a lot of Year 6 to go.  I am curious to learn how you are going to keep Hermione and Draco accidentally encountering each other until the frost finally thaws.  

 

Thank you for wrting this story, and thank you for the swap!

 

Vicki



Still Remains by toomanycurls

Rated: Teen Audiences • 6 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

Albus visits Aberforth for the first time in more than 45 years. What is left of their relationship?

Part of MuggleMaybe's Literary Quote Challenge


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 17 Sep 2017 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

p.p1 {margin: 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px 0.0px; font: 10.0px Verdana} span.s1 {font-kerning: none}

Hi, Rose.  I enjoyed reading this, just a little Missing Moment that might have occurred, when Grindelwald's final remark made Albus remember what his mother had said so long ago, that someday her two sons would have nothing left but each other. (I used to remind my two children of that, when they quarreled, although they never became estranged like Albus and Aberforth.)  This story is well-written, with graceful sentences and a nice development of the thoughts behind the dialogue.  A barely spoken apology and a barely indicated forgiveness, but a step in the right direction.  Good job.



Slytherin Secrets by ReillyJade

Rated: Mature Audiences • 16 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:


Banner by tobearockandnottoroll @ TDA

 

She's a Muggle-born rebel who needs to be a conformist. He's a pureblood conformist who wants to be a rebel. They're an unlikely team, but helping each other is essential if they're going to make it through Voldemort's new regime alive.

 

**Ravenclaw SotM: December 2018**
**FROGS 2019 Finalist: Best Angst/Drama**
** Nargles 2019 Winner: Best World-Building**


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 11 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 6: A Most Frigid Christmas

Hi Reilly,

 

I can't believe I've been reading your story all this time and haven't written a review yet!  What was I thinking?

 

This story is wonderful.  The writing flows so smoothly, just the right balance of exposition and introspection, dialogue, action, and detail.  Every line contributes to the three goals of setting the scene, developing the characters, and propelling the plot forward.  Your actors are nuanced and believable with complexity and depth, not stereotypes or exaggerated caricatures.  Your scenes are all vivid in my mind's eye.

 

You keep the tone of the story very steady -- perpetual sub-acute tension, low-level dread.  The reader can predict that Draco and Emmaleigh won't find a Horcrux since the story, so far, is not canon-non-compliant, but clearly something else is developing that bodes to be a significant feature of the Malfoy family backstory, yet not outlandishly contrived.

 

The presentation is plain and straightforward, but full of insight and nuance.  That's what I look for in a story -- good storytelling.  Not something that is overwrought or elaborated to excess, as one sometimes sees.  I'm  looking forward to the next chapter.  Very nice job.

 

Vicki



After Life by MegGonagall

Rated: Mature Audiences • 53 Reviews starstarstarstarstar Past Featured Story
Summary:

Amazing banner by beyond the rain@tda

 

 

Hermione's death had certainly been unexpected.

Severus Snape being the one to help her cope in the Afterlife, with the sadness of leaving behind nearly everyone she cared for?

Also unexpected. 

 

2018 F.R.O.G.S. 3rd Place - Best HP Major Character (Hermione Granger)

2018 My Father Will Hear About These Awards - Runner-up for Most Hypnotizing Fic (Most Addicting)


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 09 Mar 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 11: Denial.

Hi, Meg.  This is Vicki/Oregonian visiting your story with a review for the EvS Review Tag.

 

This is a clever and effective set-up that you are using.  It's a sort of time travel, but without the clunkiness of using a time-turner device or the problems of changing the present timeline by the actions that the time-traveler does while in the past.  In fact, it neatly avoids all the paradoxes of typical time-travel.  Your main character is not deliberately traveling in time to solve some big problem or avert some impending catastrophe, so she can just do what she wants to and let things play out as they will.

 

As far as the Hermione-Severus romance goes, your premise doesn't require that we deny the reality of Snape's death, as so many Snape-finds-happiness stories do.  And it diminished the apparent age difference between Hermione and Severus from 20 years in the land of the living to something not specifically determined but seeming to be less in the land of the dead.

 

I like the way that you have worked out so many details of how wizarding heaven functions -- fairly idyllic but not without earthly-type squabbles, the presence of whatever materials that we want (such as books), the ability to see what our loved ones still on earth are doing, the close proximity of wizarding limbo -- but I wonder whether souls here get bored or start searching around for something important to do.  Doubtless Hermione will soon be searching for just that thing.

 

Your treatment of the instance where Hermione ran out of her house and back to the fountain was realistic.  I think that she just wanted to reassure herself that the opportunity to see her family actually did exist, and once she was convinced that she could do that, then the urgency to do it right now waned, and it became clearer to her that her first task was to accustom herself to her new world.

 

I have read all that you have posted of this story so far, and I don't know if you intend to finish it or are off to other projects, but if you do, I am looking forward to seeing the unique features of this celestial place (and some features that you haven't mentioned yet) playing a big role in the way the story proceeds.  There is great scope for imagination here.  Will Hermione start to reorganize heaven and improve its social conditions?  Will she venture into the forest and somehow reform the lost souls who wander in there?  Will Snape learn to dismantle the self-protective wall within which he has hidden himself all these years ?  What will a scene between the soul of Snape and the soul of James Potter look like?

 

Questions, questions.

 

I very much enjoyed this story.  Nice job.



Cost of Redemption by shadowkat678

Rated: Mature Audiences • 23 Reviews starstarstarstarhalf-star
Summary:

 

Snape wasn't the only Death Eater to turn his back on Lord Voldemort for love. No, there was another seeking his redemption. From his first mission as a Death Eater to his very last breath, this is the story of Regulus Black...

Banner by me.

 


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 25 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hi Kat,

Reviewing your story for our review swap.

 

I must say this is quite the opening chapter!  Almost the entire piece is a description of a violent, bloody battle/slaughter.  No extraneous details such as "Where?" (does it matter?) or "Why?" (do Death Eaters really need a reason?)

 

Here are some telling lines:  It wasn't just Muggles and mudbloods.  They were killing witches and wizards.  Going after their own kind.  That says it all.  The horrible implication that it was a given that it was okay to kill Muggles and muggle-borns.

 

The lines, This wasn't how it was suppposed to be..." plus "He wanted to claw his newly-given mark off his skin" suggest that Regulus had an almost instant change of heart after becoming a Death Eater.  Not even a honeymoon period.  This wasn't what he had been told.  At age seventeen or so, he is pretty naive.  It takes only one open-air, free-for-all, mass-casulties battle to open his eyes.

 

And why would he have done such a thing?  He wanted to make his parents proud, gain the respect of them (and of other purebloods, I suppose).  These thoughts suggest that to Regulus, the Muggles and muggle-borns had not even been people, just objects , just tools to raise his own status in the eyes of his elders.

 

Lots of details in the battle scene bring the scene to life; the staccato effect of one active detail after another provides the chaotic feel, the total focus on Right Here and Right Now.  The parade of short, to-the-point sentences is the right style for this scene.  Analytical, philosophical thoughts are brief, also expressed in short sentences, and sandwiched in between sections of more breakneck action.  If only, if only...

 

Regulus has been passive during his life, doing what his parents wanted him to do, and that passivity is still in him.  Everything was too late, and nothing he could do would fix it. He still sees himself as unable to take independent action.  But the title of the story suggests that he will eventually find something that he can do.

 

I am struck by the implication that he was outwardly calm when he returned home and did not betray his inward turmoil to his family as they praised him for his participation.  In the privacy of his bedroom, he could have revealed those feelings a bit more strongly to the readers; you have indicated it in some lines, but emphasizing it a bit more (he is doubtless still full of adrenaline) would have given the final paragraphs a bit more punch.  But I am glad that Kreacher is there; his character provies a sharp contrast with the characters of Regulus's family.

 

This is a good opening chapter.  We clearly see what Regulus is up against.  Now we have to figure out how to get him out of it.

 

Nice job.  Thank you for writing. :)

 

Vicki

 



Trapped. by Newt Scamander

Rated: Teen Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

Perfect Banner by Eponine at The Dark Arts,


Name: Seamus Finnigan.
Occupation: Laywer. 
Friends: Are at a loss.
Current Status: Trapped in Bottle.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 01 Mar 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: This sucks.

Hey, Newt, this sounds like a fascinating story.  If Chapter 2 were posted now, I'd go right ahead and read it.  Your scenes are full of vivid images -- I can see the wild melee of customers flocking to the store to buy stuff, the mad crush of customers leaving the store, the scene of chaos and scattered empty boxes, the mysterious bottle that has just now sucked Seamus into it!

Making Seamus a lawyer is an inspired idea.  That career fits his persona so well.  And the idea of a lawsuit filed by the disgruntled Mr. Zonko against his charismatic competitors, the Weasely twins, gives scope for clever, entertaining, and imaginative developments in the chapters to come.

 

A nice idea, a different kind of story.  I'm looking forward to reading more.

 

Vicki



Cado of Procer: The Fall of The Prince by Celtic_Dreamer7

Rated: Mature Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

The darkness hid him well. Severus Snape sat amongst the shadows, listening intently.
The battles fought within the walls of Hogwarts reverberated throughout the Forbidden Forest like shards of glass cutting through the very soul that he claimed to no longer own.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 21 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Cado of Procer

Hi, Celtic,

Welcome back to Slytherin House.  I can see why you are proud of this story.  It's a fresh but very believable take on the events of the Battle of Hogwarts, very different from what we see in "Deathly Hallows", which of course is from Harry's point of view and reiforces the old prejudices that Harry is laboring under.

 

Your interpretation -- that Snape had gone up toward Ravenclaw Tower to try to warn Harry and tell him what he needed to know -- makes utter sense, knowing what we know now about Severus's role.

 

The story is full of great lines, too many to cite.  "He had never realized how much he was hated until that moment."  "Names he had been called many times before, but they still hurt." His rhetorical question, "Well, Dumbledore...what is the plan now?" The scene between Severus and Lucius.

 

Your writing style is so enjoyable.  Fluent, straightforward, nuanced, full of interpretation of the events of the moment and of Severus's desperate attempts to ward off disaster.  The story line stands out clearly, focused and uncluttered.

 

I see that you have three flashbacks in this story, one of them being a flashback within a flashback.  These are effective, but they can be tricky little devils.  The first one begins only four sentences into the story, not usually enough time to set the present scene before the flashback begins, but in the case of fanfiction, the readers already know the present scene, so it works.  Another consideration for flashbacks is the well-used construction "As the hero [did something or other], his mind drifted back to the day when ...."  Since this type of phrasing is so commonly used to introduce flashbacks, I recommend finding another way to effect this transition, some different wording less likely to signal "Alert.  Flashback coming up."

 

I certainly hope that you will continue transferring your old stories to this site.  I would love to read them!

 

Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki



Not for Always by Nix

Rated: Teen Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

Banner by everafter @ TDA.


"I'm not what you want,
You said what I never could."

Lyrics from "Always" by The Birthday Massacre.

 


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 15 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Not for Always

For the Slytherin April EvS Review Battle, Team Emerald.

 

Hi Nix,

 

Let me be the first person to review your Pansy/Draco story about the end of their relationship.

 

I liked the way you structured your story, in nine alternating sections of last night's action and today's action, each day's action being at a different site, a nighttime street and a daytime bedroom.  The frequent back-and-forth kept piquing my interest and emphasized the fact that as Pansy was packing, she was incessantly reviewing the breakup in her mind.  To write all the street sections first and then follow the street scene with all the bedroom sections would have been more ordinary, less intriguing.

 

I like the contrast of the dialogue-heavy street sections and the dialogue-lacking bedroom sections (except for the final one, of course).  The description of the messy-versus-neat halves of the room served to depict the personalities of the two characters, and the image in my mind of Pansy folding (neatly!) and packing clothes while a hundred thoughts whirl through her brain emphasizes how her world has suddenly turned upside down.

 

Disbelief, confusion, anger, resignation, uncertainty.  You cleverly show Pansy going through a whole gamut of emotions.  And she doesn't fight her fate because, no matter how hard she tried not to see it, she had known that this day was coming.

 

I liked your ending, when Penny concludes that she is not merely being dumped, but is being propelled into a new and better life.  A very satisfying way to wrap this story up.

 

Kudos to you for your very clean copy that makes this story easy to read.  A good job.  I enjoyed it. :)

 

Vicki

 

 



A Snatcher's Past - Trystan Scabior by Dark Whisper

Rated: Mature Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

Trystan Scabior has a secret... a famous Pureblood father that cannot be named.

Characters: Scabior (the Snatcher) and Aurora Sinistra (Hogwarts Astronomy Professor).


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 21 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: A Snatcher's Past

Hi, Dark Whisper,

I was feeling hesitant when I began reading this story -- a Snatcher? Sirius Black's secret son? -- but you combined these elements in such a skillful and original way that I was hooked.  The two main characters, Trystan and Aurora, are very well characterized, not stereotypes at all.  

 

I liked that she gave him a challenge to grow up and want something serious, and I liked that under his Trouble-Maker exterior he took up her challenge and did better himself  One doesn't often see characters do that.

 

And then, after she badgered him into revealing his father's name, just to satisfy her parents' demand for that knowledge, she totally rejected Trystan in one horrible scene.  One doesn't often see a character in love do that.

 

Trystan's fleeing when he realized that Rita Skeeter, the school gossip, had overheard the conversation was completely believable, but another unexpected twist was that Aurora hunted down Rita in the library later and Obliviated her memory.  I am wondering who Aurora was protecting at that moment, Trystan or herself.

 

Your supporting actor, Vaden Sharpe, was also well drawn.  He was a good friend to Trystan at a time of crisis, and his friendship contrasted well with Aurora's rejection.  The pocket watch was a nice touch, first showing Vaden's generosity and then coming back in later years as a method for Trystan to repay Vaden's kindness.  The fact that Trystan never sold the watch, even when he was destitute, shows how much he valued Vaden's friendship.

 

I liked the ending of the failed-romance story, where you swiftly describe, believably, how Trystan got into the shady Snatcher business, later barely missed meeting his father, and saved his friend, while Aurora became the never-married Astronomy Professor.

 

Well written with a lively style, vigorous pace, realistic dialogue, good suspense, and seldom-used canon characters.  Nice job.

 

Vicki



All The Pretty Colors by Zephyra

Rated: Mature Audiences • 2 Reviews starstarstar
Summary:

Beautiful banner by annihilation@tda

He couldn’t deny her love for wanting to wake up early just to see the sunrise. It was beautiful with its many shades of pinks, oranges, reds, and yellows rising up into the sky. It was these moments together that he loved most, being with her gazing out on the world and all its pretty colors.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 07 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Written for the Slytherin May EvS Review Battle, Team Emerald, and because it's a neat story.


 


Hi, Zephyra,


I read this story over several times in order to absorb what made it different from many other stories of sensual love.  What really stands out is the description of the sky, both evening and morning, and all the vivid, varied colors, something that instantly captivates us all whenever we see it, never exactly the same from one day to the next.


 


In the opening section of your story, I'm guessing that it is partly cloudy -- the clouds always create such palettes of color (I'm hoping that Hermione can see the sky, perhaps through a window, as she works late at her job) and you mention a bit later that when Hermione walks down the street, she both sees stars and feels a drop of rain.  Maybe 8 or 9 p.m. in late spring or early summer, when the sun sets late in Great Britain.


 


You have a good format in your story; the first quarter and the final quarter are about her love of the beauty of the sunset and sunrise, and the central half is about her love of a special person.  He must be special, since she is ready for lovemaking even at the end of a long, hard day.  (And she doesn't get to eat her chocolate pudding!)  :)


 


I think that when she woke, the sky was full of light but the sun wasn't quite up yet, just below the rim of the hills.  That's when the light is delicate and gorgeous, just before sunrise.


 


I was pleased at the end of the story when Blaise is willing to let Hermione get up, out of his arms, to admire the dawn sky.  That is thoughtful of him, to put her wishes first, since he knows how much it means to her.  And I was pleased by your final line -- that he shared this admiration.  One more thing that can bond them together.


 


Thank you for writing.


 


Vicki



Dawn of a New Era. by DanyFire

Rated: All Audiences • 2 Reviews starstarhalf-star
Summary:

Harry welcomes his first child.

 

For CrimsonQuill's New Beginnings Challenge


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 08 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

For the Slytherin May EvS Review Battle.

 

Hi, Meg.  I'm back to check out another one of your stories.

 

I read this story one day after Prince Harry's baby boy was born in London -- what a coincidence!  And right now people all over the world are waiting to learn what Harry and Meghan will name their baby, just the same thing that Harry and Ginny are talking about.  I notice you say, in the first paragraph, that Harry and Ginny had chosen the names ahead of time, so it is cute to see that, once the baby is born, Ginny asks for the final time what name Harry wants, as if to say, "Are you sure?  This is your last chance to change your mind."

 

Harry Potter is famous for being brave, able to handle any situation, as we see in the seven books, but the one thing that can unnerve him is a newborn baby.  How in the world to take care of it?  How to be a dad?  Of all the possible mentors he can think of, (Sirius? Nope, he was never a father.  Remus or James? They never had much fathering experience.), the one who can help him the most is the one who is at his shoulder -- Arthur.

 

You emphasize that Harry was "trying not to seem anxious," and "tried to stay calm," obviously trusting the Healers.  He will at least act brave.  And in the end they all got through it just fine.  A short but sweet little moment.  

 

Thank you for writing.  :)

 

Vicki



Author's Response:

Thank you for your kind review! I was very nervous about if anyone would like this story. Your kind words helped boost my confidence with writing things like this. The things you spoke of were exactly what I was thinking when I wrote this. I was trying to be in Harry and Ginny’s shoes with this. I am glad you enjoyed the story. I hope you read more of my work!



Constellations by ssslytherinnn

Rated: Mature Audiences • 2 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

I didn’t always love her, nor did I always know I liked girls. It came on like a tidal wave. Drowning me in questions I didn’t have the answers to. I was lost in the way that only your best friend could help you home. 

 

OC/Lily-Luna Potter

for the Prefect's Celebration Challenge


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 25 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Six Days

For the Slytherin EvS Review Battle.

 

Hi, ssslytherinnn.  This sweet but complex story certainly deserves a review.

 

I noticed that you have lots of characters who move in and out of the story line, but you are successful in focusing on the three main characters: Lily, Antoni, and Henriette.  A lot of teenage silliness is happening, but you manage to keep a firm hold on the story line.  A lot of introspection is going on, but it is hung within a framework of vivid action and dialogue, none of which is superfluous and all of which propels the story line forward.

 

You focus well on sensory details -- the food, the heat, the water, the dancing -- enough to paint a clear picture, but not so many details that they overwhelm the story (as one sometimes sees).  The tone of the story is strongly emotional, and the swirl of sensory detail mirrors the swirl going on in Henriette's mind.

 

I like your alternation of quiet scenes, such as the long scene in the bathroom, and frenetic scenes.  It modulates the pace and helps the reader keep track of things.  (After reading the story twice, I made a list of the eleven party-goers to help myself keep track of them.)

 

Your actors were well characterized, even the minor ones, by their action and dialogue.  For example, we see Roxanne's personality by her taking charge in cooking breakfast and in not having patience with the idea of skinny-dipping.

 

You write the scenes with great emotional sensitivity, and your placing this story at a time when all the characters have just graduated and are about to go their separate ways in life heightens the bittersweet yet urgent feelings of the three main characters.  I can see why you say that this story has turned into a love child for you.

 

Very nicely done.  Thank you for writing!

 

Vicki



Somebody Else by The Heir of Slytherin

Rated: All Audiences • 4 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

Lucius’ biggest fear was losing Narcissa’s heart to somebody else. But when that moment finally comes, he find he doesn’t mind it at all.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 06 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Somebody Else

For the Slytherin May EvS Review Battle, for Team Emerald.

 

Hi, Sam!  I very much enjoyed these four little glimpses of Lucius Malfoy as he contemplates and interacts with his baby son.  Any parent can identify with these little moments which you describe so well.  They are brief and seemingly inconsequential, but precious memories to us in our later years.

 

In the first of these four vignettes, I had to read closely and think hard to pick up the clues, scattered through the prose, of the date, the situation, and who the various infants were.  That's okay.  I enjoy a story that challenges the reader a little bit.   Everything's there; you just have to think.

 

In the third vignette, I again had to think, using the anchor of "he'd disappeared almost a year ago" to position the other facts of the story.  It must be September (maybe August) of 1992, Draco is just two years old, and Lucius took the Dark Mark before October 31 of 1991.  So Draco was about one at that time and of course didn't remember anything.  Narcissa's tears covered the time span of before October 31, 1991, (losing her husband to the Dark Lord), immediately after October 31, 1991 fearing losing him to prison), and in the months subsequent (the possibility of Voldemort's return and vengeance).  All clear.

 

Vignettes two and four were plain and open, no mental challenges.

 

In all these vignettes, we see a very different Lucius than we see in the first few books, where he treats his 'inferiors' contemptuously and berates Draco for allowing a Muggle-born girl to best him in his classwork, or in the final book, where he is wretched, beaten down by the Dark Lord.  Ah, the consequences of our choices.

 

Your writing style is excellent -- enough detail to set the scene well and not a particle more, thus avoiding the excess verbiage that can clutter and muddy the scene and obscure the focus.   The action is clear and easily visualized, and most of what we see of Lucius's thoughts is revealed by his actions, which are so telling.

 

It is good to see that Lucius, for all his failings, is not a one-note character.  Like all real people, he has many sides.

 

A very nice job.  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki

 



Angel of Mercy by BlackPixie

Rated: Teen Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

there is a time and a place for everyone


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 02 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Written for the Slytherin May EvS Review Battle, Team Emerald.

 

Hi,Hayden,

 

As I read your poem over and over, I like it -- a dispassionate expression of the inevitability of death, the common fate of all mankind, the gateway through which all of our ancestors have passed before us.

 

This poem is not actually a frightening or disturbing image; Death is simply doing his job.  We should not take it personally, because He doesn't.  And there's no point in calling "Mercy, mercy," because when your time's up, it's up.  Since no action can prevent it, we shouldn't get worked up about it.

 

Of course, one might counter, "That's easy for you to say," but the mention of angels and heaven suggests that it's not such a bad journey to take, after all.

 

I appreciate the fact that your language is poetic but plain.  The meaning of the lines is apparent without a lot of guessing or supposing.  I looked up your reference to The Book Thief.  It's interesting that in literature Death is so often depicted as a sentient person/creature, not merely a process.

 

Thank you for writing.  I always enjoy seeing what people do with poetry.

 

Vicki



A Second Too Late by Kaptain Knuts

Rated: Mature Audiences • 1 Reviews starstarstarstar
Summary:

When Ron decides to leave during the Horcrux hunt, Hermione runs after him and makes a decision that will haunt her for the rest of her life. One-shot for now. Might add more later.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 29 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

For the Slytherin April EvS Review Battle and because this story deserves a positive review.

 

Hi, Kaptain Knuts,

 

This is an excellently written AU moment, a slight change in the canon event leading to an important change in the story.  

 

I very much like your writing style.  The story flows smoothly.  Hermione's introspection rings true, and it's not "over the top" in flowerly language or metaphor.  Yes, the situation is angsty to the max, and you can achieve that effect fully just by writing simply and plainly as you have done :)

 

The dialogue is very good -- brutally honest, very frank.  The changes of scene are good -- forest to Shell Cottage to forest -- to provide visual variety in a short narrative.  The situaton is so intense, leading inevitably to this painful conclusion.

 

I see that this story is marked as not completed.  Nevertheless it is a treat to read it as an example of your writing skill.

 

Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki

 

 



Velvet by galaxies

Rated: Mature Audiences • 3 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

Tom Riddle couldn’t know love. He knew fascination, though. And... well, that was almost the same thing.

Almost.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 20 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Just Smooth

For the Slytherin EvS Review Battle. Team Emerald.

 

Hi Randee,

 

I enjoyed this first chapter about a girl who is so trusting and naïve that she is easily taken in by Tom Riddle, who is about as oily as they come.  

 

You have him perfectly characterized -- the subtle invasion of Venetia's personal space, bit by bit and increment by increment, his ingratiating himself with her by asking for little bits of advice or assistance, his flattering her ("You're very smart"), his offer to protect her against imaginary slights by Madam Pince, his pusuing a closer relationship ("Perhaps we could spend more time together," "How about we discuss it tomorrow during breakfast?")  It makes my skin crawl to listen to him.

 

You are drawing an effective picture of your OC Venetia also -- too naïve and inexperienced to trust her inner warnings. "Someone as all-knowing as Tom Riddle was really asking her advice?  It seemed unreal."  And then "Was she, Venetia, really capturing the attention of Tom? ...this was unreal."  You want to take her by the shulders and shout "This is unreal.  Listen to your better instincts."

 

I do not see an indication that Veneria was feeling love-starved before Tom began to make his move on her, but it is easy to believe that a girl in her situation would be attracted to his good looks and smooth delivery.  She wants to believe that he's sincere, so her common sense is overridden.  To us readers, it is obvious that Tom is grooming her for something. 

 

Your writing is skillful, sentence flow smoothly, and you have a good balance between dialongue, action, and description.  The copy-editing is also very clean -- something that I always appreciate.

 

Only one bit of concrit -- a homonym issue in these two sentences: "This didn't peek Venetia's interest" and '...her interest finally peeked."  There are three words -- peek, pique, and peak -- that are all pronounced alike but spelled differently, with different meanings.

A "peek" is a surreptitious glimpse of something, "pique" is a verb meaning to prick or stimulate, and "peak" is the highest point of something such as a mountain range or roof or some non-tangible quality.

So the first of those two little sentences wants to be "This didn't pique Venetia's interest," and the second one wants to be "...her interest finally peaked."  A moment's edit will fix those two words.  That's all.

 

A very nice job.  I don't know exactly what Tom has in mind, but you have shown his technique well, the people he targets and how he ropes them in for his own purposes.  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki

 

 



Cat's in the Cradle by juls

Rated: All Audiences • 5 Reviews starstarstarstarstar
Summary:

bylola


The story of Argus Filch's (and Mrs Norris'!) early life before they ended up in Hogwarts.


Handsome banner by Lola at TDA. Thank you!


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 08 Mar 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

This is Vicki leaving a review for the EvS Review tag.

 

I just might end up reading a whole bunch of your stories, juls, because I like the ones I have read so far.

 

The is the best Origin-of-Filch story that I have read. You characterize the little boy, his elitist father, and his loving mother well, using clear, plain sentences and just enough detail to establish your points without being wordy and excessive.  That's good.  I love all the pertinent one-liner details, such as the Hansel-and-Gretel-type children who defeated the witch (surely a Mudblood) in the forest.  Perfect!  And the business of Argus's father being dragged away publicly, suddenly wailing about how much he loved his Squib son, while Argus knows better.

 

The idea of Argus's being homeless after his father's arrest was an inspired one.  Living on the streets, fed by the kindness of a stranger, untrained for any kind of work -- you paint a compelling picture.  And everything ties together so neatly;  The woman is Mrs. Figg, and she refers Argus to Dumbledore because she has to leave the area.  If you ever read my story "The Baby in the Closet", you will see some discussion with Mrs Figg in Chapter 9 about being a Squib; I see some parallels with your perception of Squibs in this story.

 

Dumbledore tries to put Argus at ease by sitting down on the dirty sidewalk next to him.  It's the sort of thing that Dumbledore would do, and your mentioning it reveals Dumbledore's character in just a few words.

 

All in all, a very good job, and it could easily have happened just this way  :)  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki



In The Forest by Amortentia1992

Rated: Mature Audiences • 2 Reviews
Summary:

Hermione decides to go for a walk in the woods on halloween night to be alone only things don't go as planned.


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 12 May 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Hi, Amortentia,

 

This story has a lot of positive elements.  The Forest  of Dean in autumn is described in just a few sentences separated into two little sections so that it is not just one big block of description, but these few sentences create a pretty complete impression.  

 

The justified break-up with Ron again is only a few sentences, but it makes Hermione's little trip into the autumn woods reasonable and understandable, especially when one remembers that she can Apparate home in the blink of an eye whenever she wants to.

 

The arrival of Antonin Dolohov was a surprise.  Of course I expected that he would want to harm Hermione, so again it was a surprise when, after a few teasing remarks about carving her up like a Hallowe'en pumpkin, he turns out to be less than murderous and more sympathetic, or should we say that he observes her feelings without taking them into consideration, because, after all, he has kidnapped Hermione for his own possesive purposes.

 

The story ends suddenly, without the readers knowing if she will escape or not, so it feels unfinished, but we are certainly left with a cliffhanger.  Kudos for your several plot twists and for your use of the Russian phrases of endearment, which when translated further show Dolohov's unexpected affection for Hermione.

 

Thank you for writing!

 

Vicki



House on the Hill by Amortentia1992

Rated: Teen Audiences • 1 Reviews
Summary:

banner

Banner by me - Amortentia1992 @ TDA

 

When my discomfort in my new home turns into something more I'm not quite sure what to think or do.

 


Reviewer: Oregonian Signed
Date: 29 Apr 2019 Story: Chapter: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

For the Slytherin April RvS Review Battle

 

Hi, Amortentia,

 

I'm happy to give a review for your venture into Original Fiction, horror-style.

 

First off, I have to say that you got one thing exactly correct.  It would take a "huge pay bump" for your heroine to be able to afford to buy a house in the Seattle area, but by the end of the story we realize why the house was being offered at a price that she could afford.

 

You present the opening situation very clearly, your main character Harper at an early point in her career trying to take the right steps, pushing herself beyond her comfort zone, stepping out on her own to fully embrace the adult role, even to buying her first house.  We can sense her state of mind clearly -- this move is challenging, but so far, so good, right?  Or is it?

 

I note that she has chosen to move to her new house in Seattle a full month before the start date of her new job.  This fact gives evidence for her eagerness to start this new phase of her life.  It would be interesting to see a few sentences mentioning what she did in exploring her new city, to contrast with the eerie feeling she was developing about the house itself, and the inexplicable unsociableness of her neighbors.

 

The spectre in the bedroom is well written -- plain, spare language in just two paragraphs, but every sentence does its duty.  The sense of terror is very real.  It is obvious why she rushes to get out of the house in the morning, and the cheerful, welcoming atmosphere in the office provides a refreshing contrast to the previous mood.

 

Then the bombshell is dropped, that the house was the former home of a serial Killer. (Did any of the murders occur in the house itself?  Too awful to think about.)  How did her real estate agent who sold her the house manage to miss this important fact?

 

Looking back at the neighbors who didn't talk to her, one thinks that perhaps they just didn't know what to say.  How do you start a conversation with someone who has just bought a murderer's home?  Do you say "I hope you'll be very happy here"?  Now what is she going to do?  

 

My only suggestion for improvement would be to expand the final line a little bit, just a sentence or two, to expand upon Harper's shock and dilemma.  What is she thinking?

 

A nicely written story  Thank you for writing.

 

Vicki