Everyday I worry all day. | Chronic day dreamer.
Follow me on Twitter: @Chemical_Pixie
Bravery comes in many different forms, even for a Ravenclaw like Rose.
Hey Beth! This is the first of your requested reviews!
You open this novel in an incredibly vulnerable moment for Rose. Panic attacks are horrible things, and immediately I empathize with her. Whatever haunts her seems to be near the front of her mind on a consistent basis. In this chapter, I like that you don't give us all of the details of what happened. You've left me thinking of what could possibly have happened to Rose, a mystery! I am very intrigued to read on.
Also, the way you include everyone's Sorting is well done in a flashback. It's the gensis of what I assume are the main relationships within this novel. The Fearsome Foursome: Rose, Albus, Scorpius, and Selenia. It's interesting how you have Albus and Scorpius as Ravenclaws; I can't wait to get to know them more to see your interpretation of them. (And Dom and James, they seem to be a riot, too!)
The repitition of Rose's checklist is powerful. For someone coping with trauma, she seems almost mechanical. But that's how she's surviving: top of her class, still able to mostly function socially. Her guilt is gut wrenching, and I'm left hoping that she'll soon be on the path to healing. Well done in conveying such a complex character at a vulnerable moment. You've laid the seeds to what seems to be an intriguing plot!
Hi Beth! This is your second of your requested reviews.
I'm glad I had the privilege of reading this chapter immediately after the first chapter. They pair well together. The first was a quiet moment, and in this one, Rose is thrusted into a busy, noisy atmosphere.
You do a great job introducing the major and supporting characters. Sometimes, big casts can get jumbled, but I had an easy time following along--and I love how different everyone is from each other. I think a large part of this is how you introduce everyone through Rose and Scorpius' chemistry. They are so cute together! Fan girl aside, they resonate and play off each other, and I can feel Rose's mood lightening because he's there. There's such comfort when someone you get along so well with (romantic interest or otherwise) can help you relax!
Then... that guy appears. My stomach churned at his advances. I really felt for Rose in that moment. I'm relieved that Scorprius, James, and Dom come quickly to her aid, but I'm also slightly terrified that this wizard Apparated while in a Body Bind Curse! And Rose drops another hint to what happened to her: kidnapping. Why was she kidnapped? How did she escape? Who took her? Did anyone resuce her?
The way Scorpius comforts Rose turns the mood of this chapter back into a calmer, safer one. And despite the gravity of what's just occurred, you insert a bit of humor into the mix with Al bursting in on them both topless! I laughed at that, and it was a clever way to demonstrate everyone's personalities and to show the ways in which they care.
And the ending: Rose felt something. After admitting in the first chapter that she was numb for two years. This is the biggest reason why I'm glad I got to read this chapter straight away after the first. I am so interested in what's going to happen next! Well done.
Hey Beth! This is the third of your requested reviews.
Wow... That's all I can really say right about this chapter.
At first, my "wow" was the sudden point of view shift. It was unexpected but I was excited to read Scorpius' thoughts... And he's so smited with Rose! And he also alludes to some things that raise more questions. What does he hesitate to recall (besides the horrific event that unfurls later this chapter)? Why is the Tshirt so important? What's its history between Rose and Scorpius? And to what extent does Albus complicate that?
My second "wow" is at Draco Malfoy. What is he so distant? In the HP books, he's known to be cold. As a father, I imagine him following Lucius' footsteps, but only to a certain extent. I'm glad that Scorpius got along with Astoria so well. I also like how he cooks with his mum. It breaks all sorts of gender roles and adds great depth to him.
My third and final and by far the biggest "wow" is the ending. I had a sinking feeling when Scorpius comes home... but I was hoping that I was wrong. Even though I was a little miffed at Draco earlier in the chapter, I am upset that he's gone now. There's so much more development to happen between him and his son. But it's tragically cut short, and Scorpius is left not only with those haunting images but with his final, frustrating interaction with his parents. This event brings up many more questions: why were they killed? And by whom? What does this mean for Scorpius, back when he was 15 and now?
You have such a complex, intriguing thing happening in this novel, and it's only the third chapter. Great work! I look forward to reading more in the future!
We were meant to be friends, Remus. You know it, as well as I do.
Two children who grew up together. Two boys struggling on their paths towards adulthood. Two men faced with darkness too thick for them to get through.
A Peter/Remus story.
Set in the All the truth about Jimmy Portman's universe.
Hufflepuff Story of the Month - November 2016
Sitewide Story of the Month - January 2017
Golden Chalices Awards 2017 Runner Up - Best Drama
Golden Chalices Awards 2017 Winner - Best Minor Canon Character
FROGS 2017 Nomination - Best Marauders Era
FROGS 2017 Nomination - Best Minor Canon Character
FROGS 2018 Winner - Best Minor Canon Character
Beta'ed by Ysh (princesslily_36/Flaming Quilltips), with some help from Bianca (victoria_anne). Stunning banner by Kristin (Stella Blue). Love you, girls!
Chiara! Here for our swap! Sorry, things got busy when I got home from work, so I won't have time for your requested review, but thank goodness the weekend is around the coerner!
Anyway, what a fantastic chapter!
The opening two scenes were so complex. I love them! It was brilliant to see the Gryffindor girls interact with each other. The War is trickling into everyday conversation, the world seems inept at handling it (as it usually the case, I'm afraid), Mary's attack, it's all so much. It's nice that they get to play in the water, finding comfort in each other and being able to forget their troubles for a moment. And then we zoom into the boys... and immediately that sweet moment between friends turns sour with Peter's jealousy. It last only a moment, but Remus does silence him with a kiss, so that's not really addressing the bigger issue here (Remus and Peter, your future doesn't look to good right now). And then you immediately draw the reader's attention away from this aspect of their relationship to James's pining for Lily and Sirius's disgust at them all for being in love. You capture the melodrama of teenage boys so well, lololol. I was laughing at James and Sirius. But don't think that doesn't mean I've forgotten about Remus and Peter!!!
And then the second half of that chapter happens... oh my goodness. Like... what?! Okay. The Marauders have lots of tension between them. Great job layering that in, by the way. Sirius is a prat. James is an idiot. Remus is so indecisive. And Peter... oh there's so much there. Of COURSE he holds onto "ass licking loser" because of all his insecurities: not being as talented as the rest of the boys, him calling Remus "monster" because deep down, that's what he kind of thinks of Remus and then having that SAME insecurity when James calls him that, and then Peter's glee in the fight--and his jealousy to boot. ALso... LEANDER JONES?! AHA! I know who you are now! ahaha.
That is such a rambling paragraph. I guess what I'm trying to say is that this chapter is wonderful. You capture so many canon moments, and you make the characters so human. I have a feeling things are going to get grimmer from here... because the War is about to intensify...and a betrayal is going to happen. I cannot wait for the next chapter. I'll read it soon! <3
Abby! Ah, I always love your reviews so much, dear! Thank you for swapping, and sorry for the late reply...
I'm glad you liked the scene with the girls! I wanted to give them some space, since I hadn't really given them any till now and they deserved it! :) Yes, the world is getting dark and it shows... glad you liked seeing them being able to have a moment of fun and respite. :)
The boys are a mess... and yes, there is some unsolved tension between Peter and Remus... their relationship is powerful, but it's never been the healtiest, I'm afraid... James and Sirius are just ridiculous, but that's the way I love them! :P I'm glad you found them amusing! :D
My poor children... yes, there is a lot of tension among them at the moment... and yes, Peter... I've always thought that a big part of his betrayal was due to his envy and insecurity and the feeling of the other Marauders not taking him as seriously as them should have... yes, he would hold onto that, and yes, he's so driven by his jealousy at the moment... Ahahah! Yes, here's Leander Jones for you! :P
I'm so glad you like the chapter and all the characters in this! And yes, things will definitely start to fall down very soon (they kind of already are...) Thank you so much again for another brilliant review, I always love them! <3
Chiara! Happy Holidays! And I’ve been wanting more of Jimmy and I figured the prequel is a good place to start!
This is a wonderful story. I’m blown away at all the small details and how well you write such young characters. I get such clear images of young Remus and Peter playing. It’s nice to see them both so carefree in the beginning, especially knowing what awaits them in the future (both in canon and in your AU). You capture their childish curiosity and whims so well. I love when they try to build a swing, and John helps them.
You also write Remus’s dissent into anxiety about his condition well. How he tries to push people away, especially Peter. I have to give Peter some credit here. He is incredibly resilient in trying to keep Remus as a friend. His heartbreak is so real when Remus moves away. By the time they’re both ready to start Hogwarts, they both have heavy hearts.
You also balance these childhood adventures and heartbreaks well with the adults. Even though John and Silvia technically aren’t canon, they seem so flushed out here. John’s struggles at work. Silvia keeping watch over Remus during his first transformation. Even Mary as a struggling single parent. Things aren’t perfect for the adults, either, and you present these problems in a way that makes the reader aware of them and empathize with them but overall still has a tone of a child’s wonder.
You’re such a brilliant writer. I cannot wait to continue reading this fic in the near future!
Abby!!! Happy holidays to you too, my love!!!
Ah, I'm so thrilled that you are starting this story! I'm really curious to hear your thoughts about this, especially since you've read all of Jimmy already... <3
I love writing children... I'm sure you guessed already... and yes, Remus and Peter were adorable, weren't they? It's nice that they had a bit of happiness, at least in the beginning... glad you liked the detail of the swing...
Poor Remus... it's just so hard for him... it breaks my heart every time I think about him having to deal with lycanthropy since such a young age... and yes, Peter is incredibly resilient in wanting to keep his friendship. My poor children... :(
I'm glad you liked the adults and their struggles, too. I love John, Silvia and Mary so much! So glad you could empathize with them, too!
Thank you so much, Abby! You are the best! Can't wait to hear all of your thoughts on the rest of the story!
Chiara! Here for our Twitter swap!!!!
I love the beginning scene. First, you do an incredible job at writing how overwhelming Peter feels. I love the laughter and fly bit; I could almost hear it. And then introducing Yaxley, his cousin. Oooh, he has family ties to a Death Eater; it's beginning to make more and more sense. Peter no!!
But I love how you have all of the careful foreshadowing of so many things here. That takes some careful, careful writing. Well done!
I'm so intrigued by Peter's Sorting. He would have really done better in Slytherin. But I like how his determination to be in the same House as Remus is what drives the Hat to put him in Gryffindor. Then, when Peter confronts Remus for the first time after all these years, I was really confused. Wait, didn't he just beg the Hat to put him in Gryffindor with Remus? Peter, why are you treating your only friend like that? But by the end of the scene, I see how Peter was joking around. Still... there's still a grain of truth in his behavior towards Remus. I wonder how that's going to develop throughout this story.
The ending: Remus is such a tortured soul. I love how you write him and include his wolf. And Peter admitting that he isn't a good fit for Gryffindor so early on, oh no... his true colors are already showing... though I like how you bring him together with James and Sirius through chess. Looking forward to the next chapter to see how their friendships develop!
Poor Peter... he's feeling so lost and overwhelmed right now... I'm glad that came across... have you ever felt that sensation, when people are laughing and even if you know it's silly you can't shake the feeling they are laughing at you? Anyway...
And yes, Peter has family ties with the Death Eaters... which is going to play a role in the future, but no spoilers...
Peter would have done better in Slytherin, yes... and well, he can hold grudges and he's very vindictive, and while he wants to reconnect with Remus, he also doesn't want to just forgive him... I know it's a bit contradictory, considering he just begged to be put in the same House as Remus... but that's just how Peter is, I guess...
Poor Remus... :( dealing with lycanthropy is so hard for him... and poor Peter, too, having such a hard time fitting in... glad you liked him approaching James and Sirius, though. :)
Thank you so much for the review! <3
Chiara! Here for our lovely review swap (and the story of course!)
Remus's letter to his parents... you capture his character SO well. Of course he wouldn't want to tell him how terrible is transformation is... and I LOVE the nod you give Madam Pomfrey, teaching Remus the magical ways of chocolate at such a young and crucial age. The details you scatter in your writing is absolutely amazing! His inner wolf is so interesting, especially with deeming Sirius and James the dangerous ones... uh, attention Remus's inner wolf: WATCH OUT FOR PETER, Don't you know what he's capable of? Ahhhhhh!
Also, I like the tension you create between Remus and James. That is INCREDIBLE foreshadowing...
And I love how you wrote the Marauders finding out about Remus. Their reactions fit their characters well. What year are they? Are they in first year still? But I like the debate and the interaction and how all three of them dismiss the idea of severing ties with Remus. You really show their qualities well in this scene! And that "I'm not sirius" joke, bahaha. I appreciate how Peter doesn't quite get it!
And it's interesting that you have Lily and Snape there for the moment that the boys declare that they don't care about Remus being a werewolf. Of course, they're cryptic, so Lily and Snape don't understand what in the world you're talking about. And that group hug at the end of that scene is PERFECT. My heart melted, Chiara. It melted!
That scene with the rhyming rain is absolutely brilliant! How in the world did you come up with that? I love it so much! :D And the first transformation... this chapter is awesome. I did catch that little hint of crush between Remus and Peter, but... NO! Remus! Stay away! Sigh... I suppose it's going to happen (I think that's the next chapter, anyway). But the transformation part is so well done. I'm glad that Remus's wolf finally has some company!
Well done, Chiara! I can't wait for the next chapter! :)
I'm glad you felt I captured Remus' character well with the letter. Yes, he wouldn't want to tell them how terrible the transformation is... and I'm glad you liked the bit about Madam Pomfrey and chocolate, I thought it would be fun. :)
Remus' inner-wolf... I like to link it to his subconscious, sort of... and Remus is just scared of being hurt again... ahahah! Yes, I know you don't trust Peter (and for good reason) but right now he's just an innocent and sweet eleven-year-old...
Glad you liked the bit about the Marauders uncovering Remus' secret, too. They are at the beginning of second year in that scene. Glad you liked their reactions and found them in character. And yes, a serious-Sirius pun... I love those a bit too much... Poor Peter, not quite getting it... :P
I thought it was fun to include Lily and Snape in that scene. Especially Lily, with her mistrusting-of-James attitude, it was fun to write. :P The group hug was one of my favourite scenes to write, I'm glad you loved it too! <3
I'm so glad you enjoyed the rhyming prank! That was so much fun to come up with, too! :) Yes, something sparkled between Remus and Peter in the Shack scene... I know you don't approve, but I'm afraid it's going to happen anyway... Yay for Remus finally having company, though! :D
Thank you for your wonderful review! <3
Chiara! Here for our swap!!
That first section, ahhhh, oh my goodness. That was so, so well written. From Remus's confusion to coming out to his dad to his dad's reaction... Chiara, I'm all choked up! I know it is such a beautiful moment, but the reader in me, who knows what's going to happen in the future, is yelling NOOOO! Not Peter!! (But still, incredible job at this, Chiara!)
And then you make matters even more complicated on the train back to Hogwarts! I immediately caught on to Remus sitting between Peter and Dorcas... and it was so interesting to see how torn he is over them both.
Sirius: you write him so well! His annoyance at Remus and Lily becoming prefects. His teasing of James liking Lily. His fury at Regulus. His determination to renounce his family's ways. I know that this chapter is meant to start Remus and Peter, but your Sirius is STUNNING. I love how true to himself he is throughout the chapter. And he handles Remus's coming out quite well, too.
Ahhh, I know I've already told you that you write children really well... but you also write teenagers so well! Everyone has crushes on everyone else... and they agonize and ignore and complain and argue... those hormones are quite troublesome, but you also make it so plain that they all care for each other immensely, and their friendship really shines through. Oh Chiara!!! This is just soooooo good!
And the ending: the big moment. They're together now! I know what happens to them in the future, but for right now, they can be a blissful teenage couple.
Well done, Chiara!!!
Abby!!! <3 <3 <3
I'm so glad you thought the first section was well written. I was very nervous when I first wrote/posted it, because I had never really wrote LGBT characters before... anyway, I'm so glad you liked Remus coming out to his dad and John's reaction... John is the best, btw. And yes, I know you don't approve of Remus' crush on Peter... I'm sorry... (or maybe I'm not)
Poor Remus, so torn between the two of them... it's all so confusing for him, my poor child... :/
I love Sirius! I mean, he has his flaws, but he's also such a loyal friend and so true to his values! I'm glad you thought I portayed him well, too! :)
Aww... you flatter me... *blushes* I'm so glad you think I can write teenagers well! <3
They are together now! And they are going to be happy, at least for a little while! <3
Thank you so much for your wonderful review! You are the best! <3 <3 <3
Chiara! Here for your requested review (and honestly, the story, too).
This... all of this... yes, this chapter is entitled "Rebels." And you show the vast complexities of what being a rebel is.
Before I delve into that, though, I want to mention the first couple scenes. First, I'm glad that Peter and Remus do not get back together. That relationship is so toxic, in my opnion. I know that I'm biased but... no. And poor Remus and his self esteem. Peter, on the other hand, I'm quite surprised by. Sure, he has lingering resentment over Remus and everything... but the way he and Leander went about their intimacy was... maturely handled by both boys.
Okay, the rebels.
Sirius: what to break my heart, Chiara! This is a very canon event, but the pain Sirius is feeling, and the fear... I am so proud of him from walking away from that abuse and toxicity. It's not easy, and he's going to have troubles down the road, but this was the healthiest thing for him. I wish Regulus would have come with him. That is when my heart broke. Because we know that Regulus doesn't go back, and when he tries to make Voldemort mortal once more, we know what happens...
Remus's birthday... that letter from his dad is beautifully written. I think that's the most beautiful part of the whole story. I can feel the love, the humor, the frustration, the concern gushing from John's words... and we both know how special written messages are from parents.
But that werewolf check in. THAT IS SO WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS. Chiara, this whole chapter was a specturm of emotions, oh my goodness. I am so thrilled that the other Gryffindors were there--and Dorcas organized it all! I really like her! Ahhh, this is what the empowering part of being a rebel shines most. When you're with other people, taking a stand.
And that ending. Peter, wow. That was so brave of him standing up to the Yaxleys like that. But also dangerous. I wonder how he changes over the war, how they eat away at his confidence and manipulate him... but for now, he IS a rebel.
Fantastic chapter, Chiara. It was a rollercoaster! I'll be back again soon.
Hi again, Abby, my love! :D
Sorry... I know there is quite a lot to take in here...
Remus and Peter... yes, you are right... their relationship is not exactly healthy... although they do love each other a lot... I'm not surprised you are glad that they didn't get back together :P
It's funny because I've heard very contrasting opinions regarding Peter and Leander... :P I'm not quite sure what I think of them but, yes, I suppose they did deal with things in a mature way... mostly...
Sirius... yes, he did need to ge away from that abuse and toxicity. It's terrible that it came down to that, and it's terrible that Regulus chose to stay behind. And it's terrible knowing what Regulus' fate will be... I am sorry... :(
I did love writing John's letter. I love John, dot. And yes, written messages from parents are precious... *hugs*
The whole werewolf legislation bit... yes, it's awful and so, so wrong! I had a feeling you would enjoy the kids' protest! :D
Poor Peter... that was a scary moment for him, but yes, he's found the strength to rebel... for now...
Thank you so much for another awesome review!!! <3 <3 <3
Chiara! Here for our swap!
AHHHHH! I love Dorcas so much!!!!!!!! She's such an incredible human being, and I love her, and she's so spunky, and I love her, and she's willing to stand up for what is right, and, I don't think I've mentioned this yet, but I love her. ;)
This chapter... they're all grown up! Can we go back to when they were all first years?? Lol. You have shown how much they've grown wihtin this chapter, especially James. I can totally see why Lily has fallen for him (and yet you also manage to keep his boyish, mischievous charm, too). Sirius is as hysterical as always, but he thinks things through a little more. Remus... letting himself be with Dorcas, I love it! And Peter... that hesitation about the Order. Oh Peter, I know that you have good intentions now, but... what's to come... just stay out of it!
The werewolf band infuriated me. It's interesting to think of Voldemort's platform being to "weed out" Muggleborns and uphold "blood purity." But then the current Ministry is registering werewolves and having them wear identifying bands?! (Uh, WWII, need I say more?) Both systems are horrible. And I think that's why the Order is so alluring to our favorite Gryffindors here.
Well... it's only going to get darker from here. But you have established so many deep running friendships, that, even though I know what's coming, I have some hope that there will be moments where they can be confident in all of this being worth it.
I love you! Did I mention that I love you? Maybe, a couple of times... :P
Dorcas is awesome, I agree! ;) And yes, they are all grown up now... James has definitely matured a lot, and of course Lily was bound to notice. ;)
Peter... yes, he should've stayed out of it... but we all know how things are supposed to go... and he cares too much about his friends' opinion of him... it's sad, I know... :(
The Ministry has a lot of flaws... and yes, the werewolf regulation is awful (and definitely reminiscing of WWII, I did have that in mind...)
This is going to get much darker from now on. But yes, at least they can sustain each other... until it lasts... :/
Thank you so much for another awesome review! <3 <3 <3
Chiara! Here for the story and the swap.
Oh my goodness!!! It's quite ambitious to fit so much of the First War into one chapter, but somehow you have manageed it! (Not that I am surprised!) There are so many emotions running through the course of this narrative, and they flow from one to the next. I'm not even going to say from one scene to the next because so many emotions happen within each scene and they're so layered.
I do want to point out that I like how you included the picture of the Order and the fluff of that moment because... there isn't much fluff in this chapter (not that I have any right to complain, but again, this shows how well you've captured the First War).
But I want to shift my focus on Peter. You write his downfall SO WELL. I call this chapter his downfall because he goes from somewhat enthusiastic Order member to petrified fighter to angry former lover to glum exboyfriend to jealous rat. You make him into such a complex character, driven to give him some sort of redemption (which he has yet to gain from me, but that's for your 6 remaining Jimmy fics, lol... or however many you decide to write). But by the end of the chapter it totally makes sense why he would be vulnerable to Voldemort. Well done.
Also, Dorcas is a ray of sunshine in Remus's life. Noooo, I know what's going to happen to her and I'm so sad! And Remus's mission with the werewolves... I love how you include this in the story, and how you set it up that people would be suspicious of him because he's doing this mission (which they don't know about and their ingrained prejudices leak to the surface). The War isn't looking very good, Chiara, and I know that things aren't about to get better...
Despite that, I am looking forward to finishing this fic! Though I will be a little sad because it's so good, but I know that there will be plenty more things to read! :D
Abby! Hello, my love! <3
I'm so glad you felt I managed to fit the First War into this chapter well, it was a difficult chapter to build. I'm also glad that all the emotions came through well. Yes, there are a lot of emotions here, but given the times I think that's normal...
Glad you liked the detail of the picture, too! And the bit of fluff with the announcement of the pregnancies. Yes, there isn't much fluff here at all, but again, that's how the times are...
This chapter is definitely his downfall. Although his true downfall will happen in the next one. But yes, I understand perfectly what you mean and Peter is in such a dark place at the moment. I'm not sure if I will ever fully redeem him, actually... he will always be his selfish, vindictive, cowardly self, I'm afraid... :/
Dorcas is wonderful and Remus needs her so much in his life. I'm so sorry for what's going to happen to her (I apologize in advance, it won't be pretty...) And yes, Remus' mission is only distancing him from everyone else and making his friends suspicious of him, which won't lead to anything good either... :(
I can't wait to hear your thoughts about the rest! (I'll try to snatch a slot in your review thread, if I manage... or I'll swap with you once chapter 30 of APNFFH will finally be up... (you should really hurry up, btw... :P)
Love you so much!
ALISTAIR YAXLEY IS THE WORST! UGH! Okay... not sure if he's worse than Peter, but, ugh, Chiara, how do you extract slivers of sympathy from me towards Peter? It's incredible how you do it!
Oh, hi. Here for our massive swap, and of course this story!
In case you didn't quite get it from my opening point in this review, Alistair Yaxley is one horrible guy. Torturing another human being like that? It's just... wow. And he seems to know how to get Peter to talk. Did they spend some time together growing up? Or is Alistair that calculated, that sadistic, so doing that to his cousin, of all people, is enjoyable? Because I think Alistair enjoys doing what he does to Peter, which... ugh. Chills.
And also, his homophobia... hajsdlfhlas kdfjhdslafhsdf fjasdhflkja!!!!! Chiara!!! The injustice is infuriating! [obviously this is yet another testatment to your fantastic writing.]
And then... what? Sirius basically accusing Remus of being the spy? I mean, they were kind of all thinking it during this time of the First War, but... NOOOO! They had such a beautiful friendship, and now this?!? Of course... Sirius has just lost Marlene. My rage towards Peter is now back in full swing! Killing people, tearing apart friendships! And i know the worst is yet to come!!!
"He was over her." What a brilliant opening line, especially for an intimate scene. But by the end of the scene, Remus is clearly not over Dorcas, so I absolutely love how you show switch from the wolf to the human. And if I weren't a fan of Dorcas before now, then her support and understanding in this scene (hot chocolate!!!) has clearly made me a fan.
BUT THEN WHAT IS THIS NEXT SCENE? No! I mean, I knew it was coming, and I really, really like how you included Peter in her death--he's been jealous of her this whole time, and now he's acting on it. You've casted Peter in such a unredeemable light. I am FURIOUS at him. Sure, he was being tortured and bullied to be on the Dark Lord's side, but... torturing others? Having an instrumental hand in their deaths? Which reminds me, during this scene, I was wondering about Peter's hand in Goblet of Fire and how you might play this one out when you get to year 4!
Oh Remus... poor Remus. Poor, BAD DECISION MAKING Remus! I just... ugh, Peter! He's so slimy here. He's had a hand in his best friend's lover's death and then hooks up with his best friend! It's so slimy and I'm also frustrated with Remus and then James and Sirius show up with their misplaced trust... and I think it's absolutely BRILLIANT that you have Peter say "Sacred Killer" at the end. I nearly screamed. I know that James and Lily don't die in this AU, but so many other people have due to Peter and GAH! Padfoot and Prongs, do not trust Peter!! And Peter, you know FULL WELL why they don't trust Remus... sure you don't trust Remus but you also know that their mistrust is misplaced and you are GOING ALONG WITH IT. Peter's actions are so frustrating and I don't think I've ever despised a Harry Potter character as much as right now.
AND THE FINAL SCENE!!!! MY DESPISE ONLY GROWS!!!!!! Needless to say, you were right how I would feel about this chapter and Peter Pettigrew. His traitorous ways make my blood boil!!
That all being said (and sometimes shouted) this has yet another great chapter. You have woven so many complex layers of multiple relationships into this piece. Wonderful work!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This last chapter has so much going on!!!!!!
I don't know what's more heartbreaking: Peter taking Harry from Lily and James, Mary and Silvia mourning in the the public eye with those heinous reporters, the murder of Alice and Frank Longbottom, or Lily and James receiving the news that she's pregnant. My heart!
And... oh Remus... you have chosen the wrong person to love, my friend. Honestly! Peter had a hand in Dorcas's death, and I just... okay. And Sirius at the end, trying to get Remus out and about again... I had forgotten that Sirius doesn't end up in Azkaban in this AU. Still. I like how you have that scene with the ending scene a few years later, with Peter and Jimmy in the USA, and how Peter is thinking of Remus. I think those two scenes are excellent ones to lead into All the Trurth About Jimmy Portman.
I really like the actiony scene when Peter kidnaps Harry and then flies away with him. You portray Peter's helplessness and panic well, and that sense of urgency about taking Harry to save Lily and James... this does not excuse Peter, in my book, but you got the mood just right!
This chapter is such a brilliant way to set up for your first Jimmy novel. Before now, everything has been wonderfully canon. We get to see the Marauders grow up right before our very eyes, fight in a war, and then experience extreme heartbreak--but not the heartbreak that we're used to. SOme of your changes are subtle, and others are huge, and it's so much fun to figure out what's the same and what's different!
Overall, wonderful, wonderful story. I must say, reading this and then reading Jimmy 2, your writing has grown so much. It's always been good, but I am excited to see you continue to grow and see what you show us with your brilliant imagination of yours!
(here for RvG, team gold!)
banner by abhorsen. @TDA
Meeting banshees in the Forbidden Forest, setting the Great Hall on fire, and smuggling in contraband: Victoire and Fred Weasley are trouble with a capital T.
HPFT FROGS: Best Family/Friendship Runner Up for Victoire and Fred (2018), Ravenclaw Nargle: Best Ravenclaw Character (2017), Featured Story (June 2018) | HPFF Diadem: Little Claw (2016), Ravenclaw SotM: Best Characterization (July 2015) | 1st in the 'Halloween Fanfiction' Challenge at Shadowplay
Branwen!! I have been meaning to read this fic for a while, and I'm thrilled to be reading it now! :)
There are so many amazing things about this chapter. First, I love how Victoire and Fred's relationship truly pulls the chapter together. They are a wicked duo; their dynamics absolutely fly off the page, and I'm sorely tempted to join them in all of their misadventures.
Their panic and confusion and desire to avoid getting into trouble over missing the train is spot on. But their resourcefulness going to Teddy Lupin's! Sheer brilliance. Plus, I'm really excited to see you write Teddy into the story, because I ship Teddy and Victoire and haven't read enough of stories about them. The way you depict how Fred and Victoire find Teddy is also very real to life. First they have to figure out how to get there, if he lives there, and which apartment number is his. It's a bit scrambled and chaotic, and, Branwen, I am here for that. Fred and Victoire are amazing together, and I am sure they are going to continue to get into heaps more trouble!
Teddy is the sweetest thing, even if he lets those two walk all over him a little bit. And nice detail about the pictures. It's clear that Teddy is into Victoire, even if it's still a little hidden--and Victoire is into Teddy, but I don't think she quite realizes that yet, it's so second nature to her. I cannot wait to see how this relationship develops over the course of this fic!
Oh! I would also like to add that your dialogue is very witty. The banter between all characters is so full of life and breathes personality into all of your characters. And then the third person narrator plays on the characters' dialogue, which creates a truly enjoyable storytelling technique that captivates me as a reader.
And taking a day trip to see dark creates at a magical menagerie? That definitely sounds better than the Hogwarts Express, but why do I have a feeling another misadventure is quickly on its way?
Wonderful first chapter, Branwen! <3 (Feel free to request in my thread. It'll help me keep up with this amazing story. :D )
**2018 MFWHAT Award: WINNER for Best Careful Handling of a Snake (AKA: Best Slytherin Cannon Character) - Draco Malfoy**
*2018 FROGS Awards: 3rd Place Finalist for Best Original Character - Roxi Zarooni*
**Slytherin Story of the Month: June 2017 & January 2018**
| BANNER by me: RoxiMalfoy | BETA'd by: JaydeMalfoy |
When tragedy strikes, Lucius Malfoy is forced to make a difficult decision. He then hands his only son over to the Order of the Phoenix, in the hopes that they will protect him from Lord Voldemort. Now, with nowhere else to go, Draco Malfoy is stuck living at the Burrow with the Weasley’s. But when another new witch from America moves in too, things start to get... interesting.
I hope this NaNo pen pal letter/review finds you doing well! I love working with you this year for NaNo, and I am so proud of all the progress you've made on this fic. It's high time that I continue my own progress with LNW!
First off, I love how this chapter is linked with your prequel (of sorts), Doing the Right Thing. That piece had such spectacular tension, and your previous chapter ended on a cliffhanger. Opening this chapter with a calm moment between Molly and Hermione was unexpected but very effective. As soon as Scimgeour appears, then the full on panic resumes! And it's Percy who rats out the Weasley's? Gah! He's already the least favorite but now... and then... Deana, what?! The Imperius Curse? Oh, I'm so furious that Percy would have the audacity to do something like that on his own father! While I'm absolutely fuming at him for that, I also applaud your inclusion of it. Percy represents putting one's faith into the government, into the powers that be. Supposedly, he's for the moral good. But you show here that this is not always the case. Percy is too blinded by his loyalty to the Ministry to see the moral shortcomings...
But then--wam! Here I am, making such a case for Percy and then he's a bloody Death Eater?!?! Oh my goodness! This was quite the surprise for me, and I love it! (I'm torn up that a Weasley is one, but writer me is absolutely gleeful at this curveball.)
That entire scene between Draco and Scimgeour is so well done. There is so much tension between them. I love how Saleena bursts in and essentially forces the Minister to listen to Draco. And seeing the two of them hack it out before coming to some complicated compromise was a lot of fun to read. There is no easy choice, no easy path in this fic. It seems like both Draco and Scimgeour are both giving up things they most desparately want in the name of progress... And I'm thrilled that Molly won't be going to Azkaban after all. It was such a loving sacrifice on her end; she's one of my favorite characters in this fic. :)
Anyway, this is such a well written chapter, Deana! I cannot wait to read more. Good luck finishing chapter 23. You've made such wonderful progress, and I can't wait to see what you have in store! :D
Love from your pen pal
Hey Deana! Here for your requested review!
AHHH. I was right, I was right, I was right, I was right! Percy!!!!
But also... nooooooooooo! I really like how Molly and Arthur piece it together after Draco's stalling. Yeah, I suppose he's trying to spare their feelings, but they're going to be heartbroken anyway, so you might as well be direct. Maybe this is where my personality difference from Draco is really apparent, lol.
And I'm also curious to know why Percy chose to become a Death Eater. Was it because he felt intimidated? Threatened? Or did he really convert to pureblood supremacy? Hmmm, so many questions.
Ooooh, if I were Ginny, I would be so angry if I ever found out my family was hiding something THIS HUGE from me, but I suppose that comes from personal experience. I think the Weasleys should tell her, tbh.
And Fleur! Are she and Bill married? I would be hurt if I wasn't in the room to be told that my brother-in-law was a traitor. Oh my goodness! But I suppose there is not easy way to break the news like this...
Things aren't looking too good for the Order right now. Minerva is also an honest leader. Dumbledore would be the puppeteer behind everything and everyone had be been alive... but I suppose Minerva cannot do that, for she's a different person with a different personality and still incredible skill and worth. And she's given the next steps on what to do... and so now we wait and see what unfolds. Gahhh, war!
(What is it good for?)
Deana! Here for your requested review. :)
What a prologue! From what I know of the Malfoys, they are a slippery bunch with a bank account to match! So imagine my surprise on your twist to their circumstances at the birth of their son. After all, he is male, will carry on the Malfoy name and bloodline... isn't that what the Dark Lord wants? For pureblooded families to have children, who will eventually procreate with each other to keep the Sacred Twenty-Eight "pure?"
But you turn that assumption directly onto its head in this prologue. Why no! Voldemort is NOT pleased that the Malfoys are expecting a baby. But why?
Draco's birth is distrubing on so many levels. I would not want Voldemort watching me give birth, so I admire Narcissa for going through with this ridiculous guise--in order to protect her family. The way Voldemort is ready to kill Draco the moment he is born is horrible--you write this Dark wizard incredibly well here. We all know he shows no mercy (Harry Potter and the Prophecy). But even here, with no Prophecy involved, he wants to take a life because he's displeased with one of his servants. Talk about ruling with fear.
Because you've written Voldemort so well, you're able to take an extremely unlikeable character, Lucius, and make him... human, deserving of some sympathy. He does what he can to save Draco's life. And I honestly can't see any other solution to what Lucius promises Voldemort. He's truly stuck between a rock and a hard place (though he COULD have, you know, NOT been a Death Eater, but I digress). What an incredible burden for new parents to have! This twist on what we know in canon is unique, and I'm excited to see what you do with this.
Deana! Here for your requested review!
Holy time jump, Batman! It took me a while to figure out when this is going on. This isn't a critique of your writing at all. I knew going into this that this was an AU fic, so I have to figure out what from canon still exists and what has changed in this universe of yours. The Ministy hasn't fallen to Voldemort yet (so maybe it's directly after Dumbledore's death). But wait a minute, Ginny going into her 7th year? That means that it's over a year since Dumbledore's death, which means that the Gold Trio (plus Draco) would be in their "8th year." So what's going on?!
I love the recap you give of the Weasley children, especially Percy. Molly and Arthur have raised such an amazing family, and I want to follow their lives. Also, Ron is still out there with Harry and Hermione? I wonder how (what I assume to be) their hunt for the Horcruxes is going!
And then that letter. Narcissa dead? But... I just read about her in the prologue, and I wanted to get to know her more! Draco's been poisoned? NOT GOOD. And I love Lucius' vulnerability in this well crafted letter. I want to see more of him, so I hope that you don't kill him off just yet... there's sure to be some awesome, angsty father-son moments ahead!
And then Arthur and Molly. This chapter is a good parallel between the prologue. They're both parents (like Lucius and Narcissa). The fathers in both scenarios are presented with a seemingly impossible decision. There's no easy solution. The two mothers are so focused on protecting their children (Narcissa: Draco, Molly: her seven), that it takes them a while to shift their perspectives to what their situations mean. I'm glad that Molly realizes that Draco is dying on her front porch and does the right thing and takes him in.
And can I mention that Draco is DYING on the Weasley's front porch? Again, NOT GOOD!
Lovely writing, Deana! :)
Here, Deana, for your requested review.
Am I detecting a parent-child tension theme in this novel? If so, this is incredibly relatable, and there's so much potential, so there's really no saying in certainty of what's to unfold. You've built just enough tension in the Malfoy's, the Weasley's, and the Blackwell's to keep the reader interested... but you haven't resolved it yet. That's awesome! I definitely want to keep reading to find out more.
Saleena seems amazing. I'm so intrigued by her. Who--or what--is she, exactly? She looks young, but she hasn't seen her mother in 31 years, though she remembers her past with her, so something tells me that she's way older than 31. And they were friends with Walburga, Sirius, and Regulus?! (I assume Sirius is dead in your AU, and I'm heartbroken.) Saleena and her mother mention Gypsies, but something tells me that they aren't strictly only in lingeage of the Roma culture... My guess (and headcanon) is that they're fairies. They seem to live for a long time, age slowly, exist in clans, and, um, Voldemort is trying to gain their allegiance! I know that Voldemort tries to get other beings onto his side (giants, werewolves), so why would fairies be any different? What kind of magical gifts do leaders of this clan possess? How has Saleena used hers? So many questions!
Also, this is curious timing for Saleena's mother to try to get her to come back and rule... I hope she tries again. Their tension is so fun to read! (Plus, I want answers to my questions!)
And then Saleena comes to Draco's aid (for the right price). The Weasley's seem as surprised to see her as she is to see them. I'm so interested in what happens next in this well-crafted AU!
Deana! Here for the requested review.
What a chapter! I'm so stoked to have finally come across the HP characters I know and love: the Golden Trio (sorry, but you know my initial feelings towards Draco, a character I love to hate, hehehe). And they react in exactly the way I would imagine them to--goodness, you have a knack for writing canon characters!
I LOVE how Harry is the one who is most open about the prospect of having Draco under the Order's protection. It goes to show how much he's matured, especially since HBP, which I believe is still a part of your AU, when his obsession was what Draco was up to. Hermione is awesome at coming to terms second, though I still think she's going to avoid Malfoy as much as possible. And Ron, oh Ron, so endearing, but I totally understand where he's coming from. This Golden Trio are on a deadly mission, and while I so thrilled that they at least get to come home to the Burrow for, you know, food and shelter, that security is threatened by Draco, and you do a supurb job at capturing that.
Saleena, an OC... and you also write her well. She's so knowledgeable about her field, and she seems to care about Draco a lot, which makes me wonder why she doesn't take him unless he's able to pay for her services. This seems almost contradictary, but I think you do that on purpose. What's her deal? Who is she? I want to know! The way she can delve into Draco's memories...(which are horrific by the way, you really know how to punch someone figuratively in the gut with your writing while your characters suffer so much, well done), wow. That's an incredible scene.
I've mentioned this before, but your writing style reminds me of JRR Tolkien mixed in with an old fairy tale. I think it's your dialogue. It's captures the full thought processes of your characters. They have these grand words, which paint how they're feeling and what they intend to do, and the exchanges between them develop your story. You establish such a firm foundation on where each character stands and how they're perpetuating the story. Already, so early on in your novel, you have so many layers of complexity, and I look forward to exploring them further!
P.S. I get to claim review 100! :)
Deana! Here for your requested review.
And... what?! You cannot end a chapter like that. Okay, okay, okay. I know you can. And you should. But come on! Talk about an impossible situation! Ugh. What are Arthur and Molly going to do? As homeowners to the Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, they must have some protocol in mind... and if they do, would it even cover hiding a Death Eater? Deana!
Okay, let's backtrack a little bit. The conversation between Harry and Draco is intense. They have years and years of amnity to sort out--and they begin that process here. Harry, being Harry, ever so noble, extends that hand of friendship! This is a great demonstation of what impossible situations do to people. They can put aside personal feelings for a bigger purpose, and Harry is the perfect character to do that! But Draco, ugh, come on, man, I know that you've suffered an irreplaceable loss and that you have guilt about a million and one things, but accept his offer, already!
And then Ron... you have him down so well. Even Horcrux wearing Ron. I'm glad that I clarified with you about you liking him, because he isn't very likeable in this chapter. But I think that's an important aspect to capture about him. He's such a grump! And he's fiercely loyal, and I love him for it! Again, your characterization is spot on.
And then Harry's vision about Lucius and Voldemort and everything... this leads me to the ending of this chapter, and Deana, how!?! Why?!? Obviously I'll be back soon to see what happens!
P.S. That Sirius Black "No, Ron, I'm Harry" pun... you stabbed me in the heart with that one. Too soon. Forever too soon! (But I'm glad you included it.)
Hey Deana! Here for Magical Menagerie, Gryffindor's RvG (Gold!) and your requested review (and for the story, obvs)!!
Okay. This chapter has a lot of very, very important information compacted into it... and it's soooo intense! You have laid so much groundwork so far with this novel, and now you are starting to build up on it, of showing us the complex world that you've created.
Remus and Tonks are quite adorable in this chapter; they bicker like an old married couple. Tonks feeling threatened by another Auror is interesting; you did a good job in creating tension between them (gee, I wonder who this knew American Auror is... hmmm, lol!!!). I can't wait to see that tension unfold (and hopefully resolve).
Professor McGonagall is amazing in this chapter. She is austere and no-nonsense as usual, and she has such authority and respect. I love how she has emerged as a strong leader in the shadow of Dumbledore's death. I totally get how she can be wary of Saleena, especially with all of the secrets that she's hiding. Which brings me to our Queen-to-Be... there's a lot riding on how she's going to proceed in this War. Order Member, potential Queen, target of Voldemort, Healer... I'm stoked to learn more about her role and to see her development as a leader. I also think it's precious that she has stood up for Draco, too.
Overall, another great chapter Deana... I'll be back again soon for chapter 8 (and the remaining chapters of course!!!!!).
Deana! Here for the magical menagerie, gryffindor's rvg, your requested review, yolo, and for the story of course!
So this is a big chapter in terms of background information vital for one of your major plots. Wow! I appreciate how you give a nod to our beloved JKR and use Hermione reading text aloud to give us a lot of necessary and crucial bits of information. I think your Gypsy plot is an interesting addition to the HP-verse, and it is something that I can see happening. A group of magical people NOT wanting to live in secrecy? I'm excited to see you explore that. I'm also intrigued by the sexism within this society as well, concerning males. I'm all for female empowerment, but I'm curious to know why males are seemingly made subservent. Then again, the author of that text is clearly an outsider from that community, so maybe the written facts are slightly off from the truth.
And the conversation between McGonagall and Saleena is so intense! I had to read over a couple sections of it a few times to identify the many complexities you've layered into it. There is definitely a lot of trust issues between McGonagall and Saleena, and I can understand both of their perspectives. Good job to you as a writer for teasing out this gray area--this is one of my favorite things to write and read about! There is no easy solution. Saleena should probably amend her statement to "I'm willing to go as far as I can go" because the quickest solution IS to become Queen... though I think Saleena's insight might be valuable, so I'm okay with the compromised decision for her to at least finish her training and start to gain the trust of her people back.
Ahhhhh, so Saleena might not be a fairy in THIS chapter in particular, but in my heart of head canons, she IS. Lol.
Another great chapter, Deana!!! :D
HELLO DEANA! Because it took me forever and a half to fulfill your review requests, here is a BONUS review! And because this story is awesome. But I digress.
I really like the beginning scene. Draco is finally recovering and is regaining his strength. Now that he's more alert, I really get to see the dynamic between him and Saleena. And I love it! They have such an incredible rapport. And I like how honest they are with each other. The Draco I've read isn't very honest with very many people, so it's refreshing to know that there's someone he can speak openly with. And Saleena, showing her stubbornness, trying not to open up, but Draco manages it. Love their rapport!
And that tension between McGonagall and Draco... what a great way to lead up to this Order meeting! Oofffda. So much mistrust. It clear in this scene that the war with Voldemort is really taking its toll on people. There's so much tension! And that secret that Draco's holding onto... oh my goodness! I'm glad that MacGonagall had the sense to bring him and Molly and Arthur into another room...
But I want to end on an excited note. WE FINALLY GET TO MEET ROXI! About time! There have been hints of her here and there and now... BAM! I love how you wrote Draco and Roxi first seeing each other, how you switch from their point of views, how they both have similar (yet different) instinctual reactions. This is the making of the main ship to carry us through the story, whoooooo! :D
Hey Deana! Here for your requested review!
The conversation between Draco and Saleena was hea-vvyyy. There are so many little details and complexities that have gone into Percy's betrayal. It's interesting how Saleena at first states that she understands why Draco kept this information a secret and then continues to probe him for more informiaton on Percy's Death Eater activities. Come on, Saleena! Pick one and stick to it! I know that there's a war going on, but you're not going to win Draco over by going back and forth like that. And also... Draco clearly has been through lots of trauma, so pushing him to relive it in this way isn't the most productive, I think. Also, Draco needs therapy so he can begin to healthily COPE with this trauma. Goodness me, I have never felt so sorry for Draco Malfoy as I do now.
“I just want to know what he did to you, Draco. Is that so much to ask?”
YES, SALEENA, YES IT IS!
“Truly, I am. I never should have brought it up. You're right; it was none of my business. Can you forgive me for allowing my curiosity to get the best of me tonight?”
UMM, maybe? It's gonna take some work, Saleena!
But Draco is so easy to forgive her. That goes to show how close of a relationship the two of them have. It's nice to see Draco have someone he can confide in like that (even though I didn't really like her approach in this chaptr).
But that ending! It's rather ominous! "Don't let them change you." Ooooh, I cannot wait to see how she's changed! :P