Hey guys, MadiMalfoy from HPFT here! Please leave a review and feel free to contact me with any questions or comments about my stories you may have! :)
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It's still only September, but Rose has already jinxed Scorpius Malfoy's hair and can't stop eavesdropping on his embarrassing conversations - about her. He can't figure out whether he'd rather hex her or kiss her.
Well, O.W.L. year was never going to be simple.
HPFF Ravenclaw Diadems: Most Original Cliche (2015); Ravenclaw SotM: SotM (April 2015) & SotM Best Characterization (April 2015); Gryffindor SotM: SotM (January 2012)
Branwen, hello! :) Here to drop off a little gift review for you!
So first of all, I love a good Scorose fic, and this is absolutely no exception. I love the premise of this as well so far -- some annoyances between Scorpius and Rose with each other when they are forced to interact with Albus is just glutton for the formation of unrequited love. You've really taken the time to not only flesh out your characters and show their relationships with their extended family members and other people, but also taken the care to really have them act and sound like teenagers should. Albus trying to play peacemaker is so him and I just love that he considers Scorpius and Rose his two favorite people in the world when they are pretty opposite in terms of goals and personalities. I really enjoy the relationship between James, Roxanne, and Rose -- looking out for each other and always willing to have each other's backs when someone is being rude to the other while still being able to claim plausible deniability and having alibis set in place. Then Rose overhearing a conversation she definitely was NOT meant to overhear and freaking out about it and possibly beginning to reevaluate her feelings towards Scorpius is just SO GOOD. I LOVE IT. Her going to James for advice is perfect also and basically if I keep writing I'm just going to continue spouting nonsense. So I shall return later because your writing is gorgeous and this story is wonderful! <3
Some prom kisses are meant to be. I don't know about ours yet.
Beautiful banner by our sea star @tda!
For abhorsen.'s "TV Tropes Challenge", with the trope 'It Doesn't Mean Anything"
Dedicated to all teenagers.
Hi Hayden! Sorry it took me so long to get to this!!
In your request you asked about britpicking, story flow, character identification, and how the story style affects things. Generally speaking, I believe your language is all in line with british words, but I can't be 100% sure as I'm American. :P The flow is very straightforward and easy to follow, and the timeline of events is given enough detail in just a few lines between scenes that it works for one night adn then with the quick blip into the future.
My only concern with the character identification is that the line about ogling the girls ("Those girls included me") could make readers take it as this being between a girl/boy not boy/boy. I love the line, but it could be slightly misleading as there is not a definite moment where it is determined the character speaking is a male -- the love interest is easily identified as male, but the narrator is not. Otherwise, the style fits wonderfully here and is definitely different from the usual type of story. Grammar is fine as well -- this is more poetic than verse type writing, so the rules are a bit different.
Overall, a great little chapter! Please feel free to come back anytime :)
**2018 MFWHAT Award: WINNER for Best Careful Handling of a Snake (AKA: Best Slytherin Cannon Character) - Draco Malfoy**
*2018 FROGS Awards: 3rd Place Finalist for Best Original Character - Roxi Zarooni*
**Slytherin Story of the Month: June 2017 & January 2018**
| BANNER by me: RoxiMalfoy | BETA'd by: JaydeMalfoy |
When tragedy strikes, Lucius Malfoy is forced to make a difficult decision. He then hands his only son over to the Order of the Phoenix, in the hopes that they will protect him from Lord Voldemort. Now, with nowhere else to go, Draco Malfoy is stuck living at the Burrow with the Weasley’s. But when another new witch from America moves in too, things start to get... interesting.
Hey Deana!! :)
You popped this into my thread so I'm just gonna double dip for the menagerie as well :P So I know this has been on my list for a while, and I'm sorry I'm just now getting to it. This is an interesting story because it's a Draco/OC set in a slightly AU world where he's had this curse of being a Death Eater since he was born, etc. but it's also somewhat still within canon-era Wizarding War, which is very tough to do. It's already QUITE dark and honestly, I am actually SO here for it. Voldemort branding an infant though, just, wow. You really went there right away! What I'm actually rather surprised about is Arthur's willingness to believe the letter from Lucius Malfoy so quickly and with minimal doubt, whereas Molly is absolutely not having it. Their argument reads very well though and it also helps the reader logic through why the Weasleys should take him in. One thing I'm VERY curious about is what kind of poison Voldemort gave Draco -- clearly Severus knew enough about it to slow its spreading but didn't have enough knowledge or resources to stop the process completely. And who is this OC Saleena you've now introduced as a Healer? Very very intriguing so far, and great start to your novel!
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Hello again Deana! :)
Alrighty so in this chapter we get some good background info on Saleena Blackwell. Initially, I thought she was going to be a veela, which is what your description made me infer, but it's a nice deflection tactic and brings interest by faking us readers out! :P Her mother's clearly got some issues, both personally and familial and I hope we get to see more of that and also perhaps more of what being a Gypsy entails. Also, she has a Gift?? I'm very curious to see what this actually means in the context of her job, as Saleena mentions having used it before a couple of times, the major one being on Draco as an infant. What did she do???? The only criticism I have for this chapter is that when Saleena goes to the Weasley's house, she seems very flippant about the situation and why the card was activated in the first place. Her professionalism isn't quite there, for me at least, so that kind of took me out of the story. Otherwise, I enjoyed the conversation she had with Molly and Arthur, and I look forward to seeing how this all plays out! Great second chapter! :)
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
*Story Banner made by me; RoxiMalfoy @TDA*
Mother had always said that I was different. She believed that I was capable of doing the right thing. Whatever that meant...
Hey Deana, here with your review from like a month ago (oops)!
So first of all, you know how much I love Draco, so I was super happy to see you drop this in my thread. I love a good dark-ish Draco too -- it lets me imagine what maybe could have become of him if he hadn't turned away from doing thigns in canon at the last minute. Either way, his internal conflict here is SO WELL DONE. The harkening back to his many attempts on Dumbledore's life, and his final one. I loved the way you've characterized Draco to choose to follow what his mother believes he can do rather than his father. His decision to warn the minister is honestly great and I think he realizes now that he knows what and who he is in relation to his Death Eater status and the future status of the world under Voldemort's reign. Just that single exchange of dialogue at the end is wonderful writing on your part. It emphasizes who he is choosing to make proud -- mother over father.
This is a lovely brief character study of Draco Malfoy after he's done his task with Dumbledore before he returns to Hogwarts for that fateful final battle. It's such a good standalone piece, I can't imagine how well this sets up for your novel! Great job with this, Deana! :)
Being the next-door neighbor of a living legend does have its disadvantages but in cases where said neighbour is also a wizard it can result in an amazing friendship with your Obliviator … or rather could result in, if only you could remember them.
written for Unwritten Curse's 'The Dialogue Challenge' | Won third place of Lost Muse's The Muggle Challenge | homemade banner
Hiya Jo! :)
First of all I want to say congratulations on placing third in Lost Muse's The Muggle Challenge! Also, congrats on writing this whole thing in purely dialogue! That's a feat unto itself and the fact you did it in combination with the other challenge is fantastic. It's a Fred and Angelina and a nice Muggle lady named Danielle Hamilton story, yay! The emotional rollercoaster you put us through in these three chapters is a lot. First, you've got us feeling all upset at Angelina having to Obliviate poor Mrs. Hamilton because it's her job and she has to erase the memory of the stag night accidental parking on her shed. And then Angelina is feeling all guilty about having to do it because she knows that George was there that night (right?) so then George decides he's going to go visit this woman by himself (or with little James Sirius) every week to keep her in good spirits and so Angelina doesn't feel so bad about her job. Honestly, I just love how you've portrayed their relationship here because it's so pure and strong and good, and of course with the requisite shenanigans from George! The mention of Fred though, ugh that just broke my heart!!
As a whole, I quite enjoyed this piece. The uniqueness of writing only in dialogue really exhibits your skill with writing and being able to still set the scene at the same time! Great job, Jo! :)
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Absolutely stunning banner by the incredible Elenia @TDA // Pride of Gryffindor Awards 2017 Joint Best Novel
It begins with a disappearance: missing, presumed dead.
Pulled from obscurity at the Daily Prophet, Roxanne Weasley has the rare chance to cover one of the biggest stories of the year. But as she pieces the fragments of the mystery together, there's suddenly much more than just her story at risk.
Hiya Sian, here for Maze One of the House Cup Halloween Maze Adventure! :)
So first of all, I absolutely adore the premise for this novel!! I'm always down to read a nice crime-mystery-reporting novel, and you have not disappointed with such a strong opening two chapters! We get to meet Roxanne, who is not quite enjoying what she thought would be the career of her dreams as a junior reporter at the Daily Prophet but maybe has the lead to what could really jumpstart her career. I really love the aura of mystery around her parents too -- is it actually George and Angelina? Or was she the product of Fred and Angelina before he died in the Battle of Hogwarts and she didn't know until after the fact? I sure hope you resolve that soon because I feel like that just gives an interesting tinge to the story as well, especially since Roxanne's not getting on very well with her brother Fred II right now either. Honestly I'm so looking forward to how you unpack what has fallen through with Mr. Daniel Finch and maybe they were supposed to be engaged?!!? WHO KNOWS?
Anway, wonderful writing, as always, Sian, and I'm off to read a couple more chapters! :)
I'm really pleased that you've enjoyed the opening two chapters of this story! One of my big bugbears in next gen stories is when people in their late teens and early twenties suddenly have these amazing, perfect careers and lives right out of school, because life, unfortunately, isn't like that. So, because I like being mean to my characters, my next gen set tend to find things a little bit more difficult :P
I'm so happy that you're asking all these questions already - it definitely means that I'm doing something right with the opening of this story! You... might not be too far wrong with your guesses in this review, but that's all I'm saying :P
Thank you for stopping by and leaving this lovely review!
Hey Sian, back again for the House Cup Halloween Maze Adventure Maze One! :)
I am honestly enjoying this so much! All of the new technology & ways of doing things 20-30 years after the Second Wizarding War is so interesting! I love seeing how you've updated the world to include muggle technology with a wizarding/magical twist to it. Roxanne's got great investigative skills and a good support network wtih Andy at the Prophet and her parents too, which is so nice to have -- a bit of brightness for now in what must eventually turn into a very dark story. You've now dropped quite a few bits and pieces about Roxanne's falling out with her brother Fred II and the distance she'd feel from Lily & James as well because of this, and I'm not sure if this falling out has to do with Daniel too, but oh boy I cannot wait for the big reveal! Also, I'm absoultely in love with your portrayal of George & Angelina's relationship here -- so cute and fun-loving even as adults that have suffered such a great loss. They definitely suspect more things are going on with their dearest daughter, but I feel like Roxanne is good enough at only releasing the information she wants them to know so she can remain in control of the situation and her parents' feelings towards it, whatever it may be that happened. And because they clearly are not so observant that they know that Roxanne & Fred aren't speaking.
But anyway I'm rambling on and just want to let you know I will be continuing this in the future because it is just SO GOOD! :)
I'm really happy to see you back! I have SO MUCH head canon for this next gen universe and I couldn't resist including a lot of it in this story, so you're getting a lot of the details here about what I imagine this world to have become. The magical technology is something that I was really hesitant to include at first, especially because I think it can be incorporated really badly and ignore canon a lot, but it's important for the story and I had fun imagining how it might work and be different to the Muggle world at the time (which is like, 2027, so they're a little more advanced :P).
I'm really glad that you liked seeing Roxy in her professional environment and the contrast with George and Angelina too. This chapter was actually one I hadn't planned on writing at all and writing George and Angelina was a bit of a daunting prospect, but I had so much fun writing them eventually. They're great parents, and they know their daughter better than she thinks, so they do suspect that something's going on, but they won't push her on it yet. The same can't be said for all the characters, though, so you might find out some more in the near future!
Thank you so much for this lovely review!
A mysterious illness leaving a handful of uninfected. A school in quarantine, isolated from the outside world. Danger on all sides, striking seemingly at random. And, at the heart of it all, Scorpius Malfoy, the only one to believe this is a part of a wider, dangerous plot.
The first of the Stygian Trilogy. (Banner by Slide)
So I remember starting this fic back on HPFF years ago and never got around to finishing it so here I am and now I'm actually going to go through and read it with fresh eyes and pause every chapter to gather my thoughts. I've also totally forgotten what happens so it's like I never even read it yet! :P
Okay so I love the relationships you've got going on here already. The train scene was definitely the perfect way to introduce everyone without it being too overwhelming or anything. Also, I love the focus on Scorpius and his perspective here -- he's definitely got something weird/bad/wrong happening with his family and specifically his relationship with his father. I hope this gets addressed later on, especially since Harry was able to pick up on Scorpius's emotions about him letting slip about the guitar playing at home and wanting to be a support for him. The introduction of your character Methuselah Jones is hilarious because it's done so well and his characterization has clearly been thought through so precisely, I love it. UGH JUST SO GOOD ALL OF IT.
I'll be back for another chapter here soon! :)
Hey there! :)
So I remember reading this (to about 15 chapters in, I believe) way back on HPFF and then I was scrolling through things for the House Cup Finale and saw this pop up and I was just like, I HAVE to come back to this later, and then I left you one review at the beginning and here I am at the end. OKAY so I love ALL of your characters here, especially your OCs in Methuselah, Selena, and Professor Lockett. This story captivated me from the beginning, and I'm honestly very excited to see that you've started a sequel for it as well because of Thane's continued existence. This whole plot you weaved around Phlegethon was absolutely stunning and just complex enough that all of the (conscious) characters were kept on their feet, and so were we as readers. They make a fun little group, and I'm so happy you gave all of them very distinct character arcs because it really gives them a chance to have a voice/personality for readers to imagine them like while reading that may go beyond just what's on the screen. The slow burn/mutual pining from Rose & Scorpius is obviously my fave, but I just LOVE his whole matchmaking deal in this last chapter with Lockett because he's just like "he still loves you, she still loves you, now makeout please k bye" and it's just such a teenager thing, I love it. Also, Methuselah and Selena -- I kind of started to see it about halfway through thanks to Selena's well-written body language, but I didn't expect it to end the way it did, so I'm curious to see how Selena handles it in the sequel because she refused to leave his body until her mother dragged her away. I'm usually a fan of Draco but here you've made him into an enemy that exists outside of Hogwarts and Phlegethon for Scorpius, and their constant ire for each other is actually quite moving and helps the plot move along in multiple occassions, even if Draco is an absolute mean father.
I'm just so excited to see what happens in Starfall -- are they actually going to take that world trip they all said they wanted to? Are they going to hunt down Thane? I'M SO EXCITED! Awesome job with this first installment, Slide! :)
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It's Harry's first Easter.
James and Sirius have some great ideas.
Winner of the HP Fanfic Poll Awards for Best Romance, Marauder's Era.
Hey there Beth! :)
Who doesn't love a good Jily, especially a wartime Jily? This is so cute and heartwarming, Beth, I just love it so much!! Lily is determined to have a good Easter dinner even while essentially being on house arrest now that they were aware of the prophecy and the Order had deemed it mostly too dangerous for them to leave. Also, I really liked how you had her twirl around in her pretty yellow dress for a bit, just to make herself feel more cheerful and also for James. I love how you've illustrated their relationship here too -- you display their youthfulness still quite well while also showing that they are adults and that they've seen horrors only few can imagine. The "pranks" James does, while creative, definitely put a damper on the holiday and on Lily's mood. The attempts to then fix things also by James and Sirius are great and definitely made me laugh! I'm happy that Remus's suggestion finally won out though and ~actually~ made Lily feel better. He's definitely more knowledgeable of what she likes rather than James and Sirius sometimes, imo! As a whole I really enjoyed this piece because you took Lily & James during wartime and still gave them a good afternoon full of family and friends and positivity. Great job, Beth! :)
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Kidnapped by a mad king, Arthur and Merlin must rely on each other like never before. While Arthur struggles with choices that put his heart and duty at odds, Merlin struggles just to stay alive after being stripped of his magic and freedom. With impossible choices and heavy secrets weighing them down, can they manage to escape before all is lost? (Lots of whump & bromance.)
2018 Frog Award for "Best Non-Harry Potter Fanfiction."
Banner by 1917farmgirl. Award by abhorsen.
Hi Jill!!! You requested that I read this (and I also wanted to anyway) in my review thread so here I am! I elected to read a few chapters in to get a better feel for how you were writing this before passing judgment on it.
So first off, I absolutely LOVE your choice of writing style here! The flipping between Arthur's internal swirl and Merlin's internal swirl, each of them thinking the worst of the other...oh the torture!!! I'm actually not very well-versed in Merlin fanfic -- I also got a rather late start with the series, and never relaly got into fic once I'd finished the series (probs because of all of the dying in the last season, but you know how it is), but this really makes me want to read more!
You've done a great job with keeping both Merlin & Arthur in line with their characters at this point in the show, so that's a big help!! I agree that they are in that sort-of-friends, sort-of-still-awkward-master-and-servant thing so your writing exemplifies that beautifully! The choice of opening scene too makes me reminisce to the opening bits of the series (oh how things were simpler then) which was a nice touch. From the summary and from what I've read so far, you've got these two in for a wild ride with a mad king, and I'm very excited to see where it goes. Also, I sure do hope the fake messenger character makes a reappearance!
I'll be reading further on (and reviewing as I go) when I have some more free time next week. This is so well done, and don't be discouraged by a lack of readership--this series is not super well-known nor as long-lasting as others, but the fandom is very supportive of its fanfic authors! I'll be a true fan for sure. :)
Loved this idea, and I can't wait to see where your exemplary writing takes Arthur and Merlin! :)
Hi! So sorry it's taken me a while to respond to this amazing review! But, I can't tell you how honored I am that you read MORE than one chapter! GAH! Thank you!
And thank you so much for the loads of praise! I'm blushing so much! I didn't really make an active choice to use both Merlin and Arthur's voices here, it just kinda happened, but I liked it and decided to stick with it. Apparently both boys want the chance to tell their side of the story.
I wasn't very well versed until a year ago. Then I feel head over heels for it and haven't looked back since. (Fic is a really great way to AVOID all that dying, actually. AU is a beautiful thing.) You should try reading more - there's some absolutly great stuff out there. I could point you if you want some ideas.
Ah, thank you! I'm so new at this, I did worry if they would seem true to character. And weren't things so much simplier and almost nicer in the early seasons? Before all that seriousness and dying and such. :(
(Don't worry, the fake messanger is there to stay mostly.)
Thank you again so much! I do hope you eventually get the time to come back for a bit more of the wild ride, as you called it. This review was such a pleasure to get and I thank you again so much for taking the time to read and review!
“Two brooms walk into a bar…” does that sound like an opening to a bad wizarding joke? Right. Combine that with the wise saying that every joke has some truth to it. That bit is what this story is about.
(banner by me)
Hello hello hello! :)
This is quite the different piece and I really enjoyed it!! I think this fit the prompt extremely well and as far as I can tell it's not OOC for your unnamed characters. The plot explains the situation for the portrait very well and his friend also. I think the physics equations as the titles is actually kind of neat so you should definitely keep them!
Wizards traveling to the moon isn't something really discussed in fandom much so this story is great for starting that conversation! You described the Moon-habitation and such of all of the life there in a very concise yet explanatory way. It made for an interesting read for sure and definitely provoked some new thoughts in me! This was really well done, aside from a few grammar/spelling errors that a quick proofreading could easily find.
The only recommendation I would make is to maybe flesh out the second part a bit more, if possible. Only having one paragraph there makes it feel a bit like it is either unimportant or that there wasn't enough to write about for that bit compared to the rest of the story.
Great job on this story though, the topic and setting is very different, new, and interesting, so I'm curious to see where you go with this in the future if you decide to continue it. :)
'You and I, Albus, we would have turned the world to ashes and risen together, phoenixes, standing high above the ruins, ready to take our rightful places and rule.'
For MuggleMaybe's The Literary Quotes Challenge
Hi, I’m here for QuodPot Match 1! :)
Alrighty so first off, I loved the writing style you used here! It almost reads like a letter to Dumbledore from Gellert, even a love letter, almost. The endearing “mein Liebling” term throughout made it feel as though it was Gellert speaking or thinking in one single moment in time, without time to edit. Even though there isn’t any direct dialogue, it’s not necessary for how you’ve stylized this piece. Gellert mentions something Dumbledore said, as an indirect quote, which is for the challenge you entered this into, but that flowed so well with the rest of the story I didn’t even realize it was entered for a challenge until I read your author’s note at the end. It felt so Dumbledore-like :P The biggest thing I love about this piece is Gellert’s consistent pausing to say the terms of endearment, as if he’s speaking directly to Dumbledore rather than it just being a letter or him talking to himself in his cell at Nurmegard. It all just flows so well together and feel so in-character (at least how I picture them) for him to reminisce back to that summer with Dumbledore, and how things changed drastically when Gellert rose to power and Dumbledore had to defeat him.
Overall, very well done and I look forward to reading more of your writing in the future! :)
I'm so pleased that you liked the style I used for this story! It was really inspired by Aph's writing and then grew up from the quote which I was given for the challenge. I wanted it to read almost like a letter, so I'm really happy you thought that! Given how much time Gellert has had to reflect on his past and his relationship with Albus, and all the what-could-have-beens, it made sense for me to use him as the narrator to explore their story together and the way that he felt about what had - or hadn't - happened for the two of them. It was so much fun to write, and so interesting - I love the idea that they have this love-hate relationship, that in a way they hate what the other has done or become, and yet they still love each other from afar, knowing that it can't ever be more than that now, almost loving in spite of who the person is. It's so fascinating to write and I'm so pleased you picked up on the way I was trying to frame their relationship here, and that you enjoyed this story!
Thank you so much for a wonderful review!
The morning the war ended, James dreamt about death.
Hey plums!! Here for 3/4 of your prive reviews! :)
So I love a good AU, and even moreso, I love a good muggle AU! There is literally not much out there about PTSD-type things in HP canon/fanon so this was very cool to read. Also, as James & Lily die in canon during the war, so we don't get to see any repercussions the two of them might have. By setting this in WWI, you get the shell-shock and PTSD that soldiers had from that, but also get the Marauders we know and love. It really gives James dimension by having all of his friends die *ugh its the opposite of canon and makes it that much sadder* and him having to survive the war.
He's only eighteen so he still doesn't quite know who he is as a person or what the war really means or why it's really happening. So him surviving and being a part of the "winning side" of the war and now having to go back to civilian life is something that is a huge disconnect not only for James but also for the other soldiers. Even though there's not much dialogue at all in this piece, it's not necessary because this is such a heavy piece already that dialogue would just weigh it down. Great job on this, Plums! :)
Recovery is a long road. Loving myself will never come easy.
*Eating disorder and body dysmorphia trigger warnings
Written for WindingAarow's Body Positive Challenge
So this was recommended to me several times and I just want to say that I appreciate you writing about this and sharing this story with the world. Body image issues is such a tough topic for so so many people, especially in our culture of consumerism and whose the thinnest and prettiest, even if it's not the healthiest for that person. Your discussion of the recovery process as sort of a one step forward, three or four steps back is illuminating because people who don't have to deal with these issues, both mental and physical, do not have any idea at all of just how difficult it really is. You can't just stop "not eating" or hating the way you look -- it's an incredibly challenging task to truly learn to love your body and to also be in a positive mindset. I love the vignettes you've shown here too -- first with Sadie's psychiatrist appointment, then her with people suffering from various conditions as a peer counselor. The resolution at the end is....peaceful, in my opinion. It's a soft resolution and realization about Sadie -- she can beat this body dysmorphia and she is beautiful, a survivor, and is working through everything and recognizes the process she's on. I think you've done such a phenomenal job illustrating the harshness that these body image issues can be presented as, but also without making it seem false -- I can really tell you wrote this from the heart. <3
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Banner by Otachi @ TDA
Charlie unfolded the letter for the umpteenth time since receiving it. He knew reading it again wouldn't do any good - in fact, it would most likely make him feel worse - but he did it anyway. It was all still too hard to believe.
**Ravenclaw SotM / July 2018**
Hi! Congrats on winning Ravenclaw's July SOTM!! :)
So I've actually been meaning to read more Charlie Weasley-centered fic, so this was perfect to get me started on that. The thing that I loved the most about this piece is your portrayal of Charlie's love for dragons. With his physical actions even more so than his emotional reveals, you've illustrated his nature very well. He goes up and strokes Nehlina's scales and murmurs to her, oh that just makes me feel even more for Charlie and Nehlina in this situation they're in. Your imagery is just beautiful and it really transported me to Romania where the dragon sanctuary is and how its location plays into character actions. You've also done a beautiful job with giving Nehlina the dragon some characterization and feelings about the situation she's in, especially with her collar and the small holding cell she got placed in and in having her egg taken away from her. The final section where Charlie is musing about what it means to be human versus creatures is just breathtaking and very aware. It calls out greedy humans who always follow the money and want to keep proper reputations intact rather than do what's good for the environment and its non-human inhabitants.
Very well done, my dear! I'll definitely be back at some point to read some of your other works! :)
He shouldn't have been there. But he was. It was all so wrong and all so right.
Fic Night Story Jan '18!
Hey there, Hayden! :)
I'd like to start off by saying this is definitely the first fic I've read that deals with this kind of pairing, so S/O you for writing it! Secondly, I think you've done a great job with the perspective you've written from here also. It's kind of a first person, third person-esque feeling, which is very hard to do! It's definitely a different take on post-war life for Hermione, and I'm honestly quite curious as to the way you've pictured this universe in such that Draco and Blaise ~actually~ changed sides. I personally like to think Draco should have had a redemption arc, but no matter -- clearly he's done enough for Hermione to enjoy his presence. Writing from the perspective of Sirius is definitely an interesting format considering the main pairing/throuple in the story shell. The pub setting is also interesting -- in canon, it takes like one butterbeer to get Hermione very touchy-feely with Harry and Ron when they're sixteen, so I wonder what it takes now that she's older and likely more accustomed to alcohol. Also, I'm curious as to why you chose the Leaky Cauldron for the setting -- surely a private woman such as Hermione wouldn't want to be somewhere so public? But I do guess that Sirius is also alive, so what does it really matter? :P Anyway, great job with this -- the perspective was done fantastically and there was good detail and description throughout! <3
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Hope is like a flickering candle. It can be snuffed out, but it can also be relit.
The Christmas Eve before Sirius' escape, an unlikely encounter with two young Aurors drags up memories of a time thought forgotten long ago...
Beautiful banner by @angelic!
Hello again! I'm here with your request from about a month ago over in my thread on HPFT. First of all, the author's note you wrote at the end was extremely touching and appropriate considering the setting of the story and time of year this was posted. It moved me a bit to do my best in these last dregs of the holiday season, so thank you.
You were mainly concerned with the dialogue section and doing more "showing" rather than "telling." I'll begin with the dialogue between Sirius and the two guards. So from an outside perspective, the tone of voice the guards use fits with the setting and general feelings towards Sirius at this point in time. However, I do see where you were concerned with it as it does feel a bit forced and heavy in terms of length of time/words spoken per person. Something that I like to do when I'm getting stuck with dialogue is to read it out loud and mark where I take natural pauses to breathe or just in the phrasing. Then if it cuts up a large paragraph, I can insert a dialogue tag and maybe a body movement or something similar to help break it up further. By giving the speaker something to do besides just talk, the dialogue bits can then be strengthened. With these two Aurors specifically, since they're both so young and new to the job, allowing some of their internal fear and jumpiness at being inside Azkaban to peek through in body language while they speak could make the dialogue less harsh as well. If the transition from playing games with Sirius to serious manner was more fluid and had greater weight, the switch in tone would make more sense. They also begin by being rude to him, and then end by saying they used to look up to him and their siblings as well in Gryffindor, which is an admission that could be given much more weight. This admission of former idolization (if you will) typically doesn't come easy, but could be stoked by Sirius maybe acknowledging their presence in some form (like turning away to face the back wall of the cell) so they get aggravated at his lack of reaction. Otherwise, it feels awkward like you said. If you can re-work it with some of these suggestions then I think the dialogue could be much stronger.
Now as far as the "showing" versus "telling" aspect of this story, I think there's not a whole lot you need to do to it anymore. You do a very good job of describing Sirius's emotions as things are happening in real time and his memories. There is a fine line between telling and showing in describing things in writing, but you've worked on editing this piece and there is honestly not much I would change in regards to that aspect. The closing paragraphs are very well written too and emphasize the point of the whole story in a way that sometimes some character or scene description can't convey. Perhaps I was just more in tune with your message for this story, but I believe your description here fits with the writing style and POV you used.
So really, very well done on this story! While it definitely tugged at my heartstrings, your writing really pulled me in and made me feel a lot more about Sirius Black than I really thought I would. So thank you! Please feel free to pop over to my review thread again sometime if you like! :)
Hey, thanks for the advice! I'll definitly try to edit that dialogue section some more and figure out some way to tweak it. I'm glad to see the telling isn't too big an issue here. I know back on HPFF some people pointed that out as a thing to maybe watch for in this, so it seems the editing worked there. Now I'll have to focus on the other section.
I'm glad you liked it, and thanks again for the solid review and feedback! :D
"They say words can't hurt you, yet they do. Like a thousand hot knives carving each letter into your slowly beating heart."
Banner by me. Nominated for the FROGS for the Depiction of Mental Illness category. Thanks, guys!
For the Phobia challenge: Monophobia, an acute fear of being alone.
Also for the Proverb Challenge: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Hi Kat! I'm here with your requested review from my HPFT thread about a month ago. :)
Your only real concern was the flow of this story as you'd previously done some editing and such on it before posting it to the archives, so I'll focus on that. First though, I did catch a few spelling errors here and there-- primarily it was "your" instead of "you're" and one instance of "heal" instead of "heel". Other than those, your grammar and spelling were spot on! Goodness knows I'd struggle a lot trying to keep all of my you-isms correct.
This is a point of view I'm not super familiar with, but you've done a fantastic job utilizing it here! By writing this from second person POV with Sirius as the character it's meant to emulate, we as the readers get an inside look at Sirius's mind and also the way other people perceive him. The snippets we get from his childhood into his early adult life (because we all know he died young RIP) work extremely well with this POV and keep the flow of the story strong. You draw in the Marauders and also his internal struggle so seamlessly, and that is what really makes this story work. Ending it on such a despairing note allows the readers to extend past this point in his life--Azkaban imprisonment--and hope that his thoughts get brighter once he escapes and finds Harry and the Order of the Phoenix. The endpoint was chosen very well and fits with your style of writing and the theme of this story.
Overall, I think you did a great job with this POV, tense, and the themes you received for the challenges this was entered in. Great job on this piece, your characterization of Sirius will definitely stick with me. Please feel free to pop on over to my thread again for reviews in the future. :)
Thanks for pointing out those errors. I'll edit those out soon. I think it was easier to keep this in second person because I did a origional short story kinda like this for a friend involving depression, and that kinda inspired this after when I first wrote it. I'm glad to see everything else works, because I spent a bit of time on edits. Sometimes I feel bad, because I can only imagine of one of our lovely validator's starts to approve just to see another edit pop up about five minutes later because I caught something else. XD
I'll definitly pop in again. Thank you for your time and feedback!
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I never realized how much I loved the scent of peppermint, until it was three
days till Christmas break and Rose still hadn’t asked me to visit her family.
Hey Eva! :)
Oooh a Rose/OC that's a Slytherin OC even! I LOVE IT. Also, just the representation you've written here is fantastic! I'm not very familiar with Chinese New Year so having you write about all of the traditional things that go on for that holiday was very neat and really informed me, so thank you for that! The way you describe Rose and Chloe's relationship is just beautiful. Your descriptions and body language is just effortlessly written and succinct where needed but expansive when bigger dialogue chunks happen. I think because you've made them sixth years too, they really kind of know more about themselves as people and also how they want the relationship to be. They have a healthy relationship with typically strong communication until this breakdown over the holidays, but it's completely understandable in this situation due to Chloe's family being extremely homophobic that there is an issue there. I'm happy to see that Rose and Chloe are able to work through it though -- that points to a good solid base in their relationship which I am happy to see! Fantastic job with this, Eva!! <3
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
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Hi Eva! Here for your prize review #2! :)
Okay so first of all, I had to read this twice to fully grasp the story because it's late and I'm sometimes terrible at these things, but boy once I got it did I understand!! It's subtlety and complexity are what make it great, and that's why it's good to make people re-read it to make sure they can personally understand it. A lot of times Lily gets portrayed as the "golden girl" who can do and say no wrong, and who is loved for her continued denials of James' romantic overtures. This completely shatters that preconceived notion people have of her, and I am SO here for it. This characterization of Lily allows for her to have flaws, and some serious ones at that, as racism is not something explicitly talked about in fandom for the Marauders generation.
What I love that you've done here too is made Lily flawed in an actual, human way with her racist comment towards James. She tries to rationalize it as a slip of the tongue, by counterbalancing it with all of the good things she does all of the time otherwise. Her need to justify her one "bad" behavior speaks volumes about how racism is seen in lots of people today, which is quite a potent thing to think about and unpack. Her own mental fight on whether or not she is able to admit wrongdoing by calling him that slur and how torn she gets over it is so well written, even with the shortness of the piece. I think because it's so short, it also emphasizes how something so small, like calling someone a racial slur can impact them and the person saying it in such a large way. Very well done with this piece and characterization of Lily here, Eva! :)
Hey Madi! <3
Oooh, yes. Sorry about that! A lot of people have mentioned that they had to read it twice to understand it, and though I intended for it to be somewhat ambiguous at first I didn't mean for you guys to have to go through it again. At least it's not too long, though? Anyway. I'm so happy you liked this characterization of Lily! I have nothing against the usual characterization of her, I swear, but this popped into my head and I was like "oh this might be fun!"
Yeahhh hahaha I've seen too much of Lily-ness going on in everyday life these days, and I'm so happy you thought to point that out! Like, people who've done good things who're also racist. The goodness doesn't stop them from being racist, that's not how humanity works lmao. But the slur is something that can't really be avoided as evidence (though how do you talk to someone who tries to pretend that saying slurs don't necessarily mean they're racist?) and so she's wrestling with herself haha.
Thank you for such a lovely review! <3
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If I'd known a certain messy-haired idiot was going to be in the cottage next to my family's when we went away for winter holidays, I would've stayed at Hogwarts.
Hi greisful! :)
I thought I'd pop by to read this for Feb SOTM noms and also for the menagerie event!
So, I love a good Jily fic, and your take on a winter holidays vacation is just so cute! It's nice to see in the first chapter Lily's interactions with Dorcas and how she just KNOWS her best friend is up to something regarding the Evans' family vacation. Lily's just sixteen then but Petunia is older yet still behaves like a stuck up child, which I find quite hilarious. The description of Petunia's personality here, especially since she's still a teenager, is golden and honestly I can see how she would morph into her snobbish-ness later on in life. She's clearly been dating Vernon for a while then, and the fact he's already got that terrible mustache is great. The Evans parents clearly show more affection for their youngest daughter, and I definitely think you illustrated that and also how it's affected Petunia since Lily entered Hogwarts. The slow realization Lily has once she realizes where she's going and why Dorcas was insistent about the "cottage" in the mountains was nicely done. And honestly, wow. Ostentatious mansions for sure are in order for a winter holiday trip! The banter between Sirius, James, and Lily while Petunia is left in the dust was written smoothly and I hope you drop more jokes and such in future chapters. Great job so far with this! :)
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wopertinger)
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Four lives Astoria saved. And then the fifth.
Hi Eva!! Here with the first of your prize reviews!! :)
Okay so, wow. This is a PHENOMENAL piece! You've taken part of canon that definitely was not written about explicitly by JKR and really expanded what it was like at Hogwarts with the Carrows while the Trio was off in the woods. Not only that, but you've written it from the perspective of a student on the "winning" side at the time, and an often overlooked character at that in Astoria Greengrass. What I also love that you've done with her character is made her not quite sympathetic, but still someone who we want to root for and who we want to continue fighting for the right thing, even in secret. I also really enjoyed how you set this up in the 4 + 1 format, with her saving four lives and the fifth being hers saved. It really provides depth to her character here because of the very different situations she finds herself in and how she has to think about saving the different students. The choice of characters that Astoria saves is also very well done and I think completely intentional. The story is written in a way where the situation escalates in danger and tension for both Astoria and the people she's trying to save. Starting with Michael Corner in a low-level situation, then moving to Lavender Brown's torture was a very good introduction to Astoria's personality and what her goal is regarding her fellow students, regardless of House or alignment in the War.
Moving on to a much larger, more volatile situation with Neville protecting the first/second year students on their way to classes from Nott and Crabbe was a very well written scene. You had multiple characters involved, including background ones (the younger students) and you managed to convey the four main participants' actions and thoughts so well! Astoria really gets the chance to think on her feet here because she now has witnesses to deal with directly, so she must be more inconspicuous with her assistance to Neville and his students. The same type of situation with Pansy and Susan Bones next almost requires more finesse because she knows Pansy well, whereas with Nott and Crabbe, they are much too arrogant and don't take time to think it through before agreeing to go along with her plan.
That last one, though. Just wow. I honestly had my hand covering my mouth the entire time I was reading that scene because it just kept getting worse and worse for Astoria, and also for Ginny. Just imagining what the girls were going through, as you alluded to, was the most horriyfing thing that happened in this story, as it well should be. The last few paragraphs where Astoria is lying in her bed in her dormitory thinking about what happeneed a few hours earlier with Amycus and Ginny, was some of the most truthful, painful writing about the Imperius curse I've ever read. It's truly eye-opening when you expand that view to the rest of HP canon and all of the times it got used then, and also back in the First Wizarding War, with how often it was used then as an excuse for people's actions, when it very well was also likely used as a punishment.
Honestly, this is one of the best stories about this time at Hogwarts during the Second War that I've ever read, and not just because it's something not always written about. The content provides details about how maybe not all of the Slytherins were for Voldemort, and how the power the Carrow twins had over the school was likely abused in multiple, horrible ways. It's a provocative callout about the Unforgivable curses and what some of their less-common and more-awful uses can be. This was such a phenomenal read, and I am definitely happy you had me select this as one of your prize reviews because holy crap was this good--heartbreaking, but good. I look forward to reading some of your other pieces as well, Eva!
Hi Madi! <3
You are honestly way too kind; the entire time I was reading your review I was a mess of hearts and giggles and thank-yous. *sobs* But yes, I've always loved the idea of this mysterious Astoria Greengrass, of whom we know pretty much nothing, and so to fit her into the HP world, right smack in the middle of the conflict that's going on, was one of my favorite things to do! I'm just so happy that people seem to like this story almost as much as I had fun writing it. And yeah, you're definitely right; I didn't want to leap headfirst into the dramatic, horrific scenes so I tried easing you guys in a little bit with the first two lives haha.
Ahh thank you!! I'm so glad that you liked the scenes featuring Neville and Susan; Astoria being quickthinking was actually so hard to write omfg (I am not quickthinking nor am I clever ahaha). I totally agree with you, though, that the scenes with Neville and Susan required different forms of subterfuge where she had to act the entire time like she was on their side, while sneakily helping out the "other" side. Pansy is actually one of the most intriguing characters to me, not gonna lie, largely due to her cowardice, so it was a lot of fun writing her being horrible haha.
I'm conflicted because I'm glad that you had a strong emotional response to it but also I feel sorry in case it affected you a lot! But yes, the two girls went through something horrible and traumatic, and though they remained physically unscathed, this moment was probably the worst part of the war for both of them. And I'm really glad you liked the talk about the Imperius Curse! It always bothered me a little how easily it was used in canon because, I mean, having literally no control over your limbs? Terrifying.
I am so so happy that you liked it; your review was so good and so kind and it still makes me feel happy even now. Thank you so so much! <3
When the Chuddley Cannons visit Diagon Alley, they encounter an unusual fan.
HPFT Featured Story March 2018
You can listen to a live reading of this story on HPFT's February Fic Night, with Tidal Dragon's awesome Lamppost Accent HERE!
Written January 2018
Hey Pix!! :)
I absolutely love the premise of this story here because it is quite frankly, hilarious. POV of a lamppost and one that's located in Diagon Alley across from Quality Quidditch Supplies? Perfect. You've done a fantastic job of using the scenery as a good descriptor here because it is just a lamppost -- it doesn't have "emotions" as we know it, so it's very well done. Having the different types of people walk by underneath its bright light, both students and adults and professional quidditch players alike gives the story more depth. The lamppost has a goal of becoming a Keeper (see what I did there? :P ) and it's honestly quite funny! And then the clumsy Chudley Cannons players lose grip of a bludger and it's coming straight for the lamppost, oh no!! TBH, I'm really not surprised that they were so clumsy -- they are the worst team in the league for a reason! I love how it thinks about dodging this way and that out of the way of the bludger even though in reality it is an inanimate lamp and can't actually do that. I think if lampposts could move, that would be a right mess for sure! The accent you've given the lamppost throughout all of this is great too -- it makes it that much funnier! Great job with this piece, Pix!!
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)