Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 01 Jul 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: The girl whose name means happiness

Hello there, Rhaenyra!

 

This is Kapa, here to review your entry for The Some Chicks Marry Chicks Challenge. Thank you so much for entering my challenge! The results will be up ASAP. : )

 

As I mentioned in the Challenge thread, I'll be judging the entries based on writing, plot, how well the wedding theme works, characterisation and originality, so I decided to write the review based on the same elements. Here we go!

 

Writing: You write very well! My only real complaint is that your language here gets the tiniest bit stilted from time to time, which I suspect is the result of trying to hit a suitably "old time-y" note without overdoing it. On the other hand, there are a few word choices that comes off as a little too modern, compared to the rest of the story. The "person" in "She knew how to corner a person like a cat trapping a mouse", for example, and the word "chums". I realise you're not going for actual medieval English, but still, these word choices kind of threw me out of the story flow.

 

(Another contributing factor to the slight stiltedness might be that you go a slight bit overboard with the exposition at a few points too, like when you explain the history of Hogwarts, or why the Baron chose Helena. It's not that anything stands out as bad in these sections, they just don't flow quite as well as the rest of the story.)

 

It's in the dialogue that you really shine, in what's said - but also in what's unsaid! "His drive to become your son-in-law?" is such a great line, and "As long as I'm not there when you tell Rowena Ravenclaw that there will be no heirs and that she missed the wedding." is also very funny and sounds like a joke a real person might actually make. I also adore how you describe Rowena NOT asking Helena the Question.

 

And this has nothing to do with dialogue, but omg the ending! I groan-laughed when I read "that bloody Baron," and I still can't quite tell if I love it or hate it, hahaha!

 

Some minor complaints:

 

You repeat "the Baron" a lot. I do see the point of not giving him a name, but maybe there could be some other way around repeating his title so much? Maybe switch it out for "my suitor" or something like that once or twice?

 

"going the struggles" should, I expect, be "going through the struggles".

 

Plot: This is a very well constructed story, especially with that punch of dramatic irony at the end. It's a short piece, but it says everything it needs to say, and it does it well! Tackling the Founders' Era is a challenge, and I think you tackle it well. Most of the plot is taken up by that You set up a very believable scene between Helena and her mother, and we get just enough glimpses of the life going on around them to get a feel for the time. And wow, the conversation between mother and daughter is nerve-wracking! You slowly give more and more hints about what's really going on, and the trope of the disapproving parents that want a whole different life for their child than the child wants to lead works amazingly here.

 

And then, of course, part of the plot is the unstated ending, the plan that Helena comes up with and how utterly it goes off the rails... This is one of the ways that fanfiction can do things artistically that would be difficult to do with original storytelling; you don't even have to mention, ay, Rowena's diadem, the reader still know exactly what will happen and it adds a whole new dimension to the story. There's an air of Greek tragedy over it all, I love it!

 

Wedding Theme: Well, as you pointed out in the challenge thread, there's no "traditional" wedding in this story, but I think the way you tackled the subject here was very sweet. : )

 

The whole story is, of course, on the subject of marriage, but the little flashback to Helena and Blythe's just-the-two-of-us ceremony is lovely (and amazingly written!). I adore the flower crown, and how they cobbled together vows from what they remembered of other weddings, and how the wedding might not be legally binding but the commitment was real - a sentiment suitable for a LGBT-themed wedding challenge! And my heart aches for the fact that the two of them never will get to stand up in front of their families and have a "real" wedding... : (

 

Characterisation: First, let's look at the Canon characters and compare your versions to what we see in Canon, not that there's a lot of Canon characterisation of either of them. (Hm, it's actually difficult to say who gets the most characterisation in Canon, Rowena or Helena...) Let's start with Rowena.

 

You write a very fascinating Rowena, not all that likeable, but then again important historical players often aren't. I think the way you write her meshes really well with Canon, even though it isn't at all how I've ever imagined her to be. That's one of the cool things about fanfiction - you can take the same minor character and flesh them out in a thousand different ways! The way you write her doesn't make me proud to be a Ravenclaw, though, hehe... : P

 

The mother/daughter relationship you portray between her and Helena also rhymes really well with Canon and I absolutely love the power play between Rowena and Helena in this story, it kept me at the edge of my seat all the way through. I really bought their relationship as presented, and the same goes for what we see of the Baron - it works well and meshes perfectly with Canon.

 

Then, on to our main character, Helena! You've given her a very strong voice here, and I love how her inner strength and determination shines through, even in the face of her formidable mother. She's determined to live her life on her own terms, even if that means sneaking under Rowena's radar, and she's so brave that I almost wonder if she wouldn't have been a Gryffindor if the Hat had sorted her! I absolutely love your Helena... but I have a bit of a hard time reconciling her with the character we know from Canon. In Canon Helena's such a tragic figure, who comes off as pretty weak and vain, an easy victim for Voldemort's charms. I can't really see your Helena taking the coward's way out of becoming a ghost, you know? (Unless it was to come back and tell Blythe she was sorry, in which case *sob*...) This is a very minor squabble, though, and I love the way that your ending ties together with Canon (as I spoke about above), and I think your Helena is more interesting than what we see in Canon, so I'll happily let this slide, haha!

 

And then, Blythe... Now, it feels a little unfair to complain that not every character is as fleshed out as the ones you focus on the most, but Blythe just doesn't stand out on her own to me, compared to the other two women. I would have loved it if you'd given her just the tiniest more characterisation. Maybe something about what makes her a Ravenclaw as opposed to her Hufflepuff siblings (who almost get more characterisation than Blythe herself, there...)? What we see of her is lovely, but I think it would have elevated the story further if you'd showed something about what first attracted her and Helena to each other, for example.

 

Originality: This is a pretty original story, I think. Maybe I just don't read enough Founders' Era, but I doubt there are many other stories tackling the fraught relationship between the demanding Rowena Ravenclaw and her lesbian daughter! And even just the mother-daughter focus sets this story apart from most fanfiction! Add to that the language and the lovely wedding ceremony and you have a very unique story that will stay in my heart and mind for a long time.

 

All in all this was a very sweet, well constructed, heartbreaking and thoroughly enjoyable read! Thanks again for entering into my challenge!

 

/Kapa

Author's Response:

Thank you so much for such a lovely, detailed review. It was a very fun challenge, especially because I - like you - don't know much about the Founder's era. But once this idea came into my head I couldn't resist it. Thank you for both the review and the challenge!

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 01 Jul 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: The Smiling Augurey

Hello there, Sian!

 

This is Kapa, here to review your entry for The Some Chicks Marry Chicks Challenge. Thank you so much for entering my challenge! The results will be up ASAP. : )

 

As I mentioned in the Challenge thread, I'll be judging the entries based on writing, plot, how well the wedding theme works, characterisation and originality, so I decided to write the review based on the same elements. Here we go!

 

Writing: Aaaah, this was such a pleasure to read! Your sentences flow so well, and at points your prose even reads like something akin to poetry. You have so many lovely turns of phrase, like "Eithne's voice shimmering silver through the clammy air" and "pleasantly confused by this unexpected sentiment" - and for some reason "It felt deliciously extravagant to order a bottle of champagne with their meals as well" jumped out to me as a favourite sentence. Even your exposition flows naturally and never feels like telling rather than showing. And I have to give an extra shout out to the lovely title of this story!

 

There are a few places where things could have been phrased slightly better, like how "The small box that Hestia had kept in her pocket since she bought it months ago suddenly felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket" could do without the repetition of "pocket" (for example: "The small box that Hestia had carried around since she bought it months ago suddenly felt like it was burning a hole in her pocket"), but these are extremely minorthings. (Also, shouldn't "elegant, emerald and diamond ring" be "elegant emerald and diamond ring"?)

 

Plot: Now, this story is very sweet, and there's definitely a structure to it, with an arch, a build up, a climax... but I can't help feeling that something there could be more... conflict? This is slice of life, I know, and there is of course the element of anxiety that I imagine always is there when you propose to someone, and that moment where Eithne is silent before replying is a bit nerve wracking (because you've masterfully drawn the reader so far into Hestia's consciousness that you worry with her), but still... I mean, not every story must have a huge conflict, of course, but there has to be something to drive the story forward. You mentioned that you don't usually write fluff, and this is indeed one of the challenges with writing that genre - this is something I myself struggle with in my writing!

 

Anyway, I do love all the little storytelling elements that you add together to build this story - the references back to the battle of Hogwarts, the repeated mentions of the ring box, the Quidditch practise stories - and the way that you use these things to build up towards the ending - I especially enjoyed Hestia's little moment of panic over the "special occasion," hehe!

 

Wedding Theme: A proposal definitely fits right into the wedding theme! There could, I suppose, have been more talk about what sort of cake they want at their wedding and whether they'd both wear dresses and what their wedding flowers should be, buuut Hestia and Eithne don't feel like that kind of people, and an in depth exploration of their relationship, as the one we actually get, feels much more interesting and true to the characters than shallow pontificating about wedding paraphernalia (and I say that as someone who loves shallow pontificating about wedding paraphernalia), so I can't complain. (Also, there's an extra little wedding reference in the fact that our lovebirds met at a hen do!)

 

Characterisation: This is really the strongest point of this story! Eithne and Hestia feel like real people, with faults and foibles, and they really do seem made for each other. Or, they seem like they've grown together in a way that makes them perfect for each other, which is more realistic but also truly amazing to experience. You capture Eithne's playfulness and Hestia's quiet bravery, and how the two of them bounce off each other and know exactly where they have each other - I loved the little aside of "For once, it was impossible for Hestia to read the expression in her girlfriend's sea-green eyes" because it shows exactly how well these two women know each other. And ha! As I read this I though "hm, is Hestia demisexual?" aaand yes, I see in your tags that she is! Well done with capturing that!

 

This story really models proper relationship conduct, which sounds like pretty dry praise, but is actually very important! It's so easy to romanticise toxic behaviours, especially in fanfiction, and putting alternative but still romantic and lovely models out there is important! The way they can predict each others actions, the light teasing, the forbearance with less-than-ideal (but not deal breaker) traits... this reads like a very real and very satisfying relationship. "when have I ever given you the impression that I don't want to spend forever with you, you eejit?'" <3

 

Also, shout out to Cora the waitress who's also a very well fleshed out, rounded and likeable character! Even the team mates and coach that are only mentioned in passing feel like real people, so you definitely have an enviable skill here!

 

Originality: As I said in another review for a story in this challenge, not every story has to be perfectly original in storyline or content, as long as it's not trite or overly clichéd - and this definitely isn't! The characters are very original and real, even if the basic storyline of "a character proposes to her girlfriend" isn't totally unheard of. And you do add some pretty original elements, like how Hestia has chickened out of proposing before - that seems very true to life, but not something you see in stories a lot.

 

All in all this was a very cosy and heart warming and amazingly well written story! Thanks again for entering into my challenge!

 

/Kapa

Author's Response:

Hi Kapa!  Wow, what a detailed and thorough review - thank you so much for taking the time to write this!

 

I will be the first to admit just how much I struggled writing this story.  I'm definitely not used to writing fluff, and getting this finished in time for the deadline without me abandoning the story completely was honestly a product that was nearly from blood, sweat and tears... so having said that, I'm very pleased you enjoyed it!  I can understand what you mean about the plot, and the lack of real conflict here - it could be a good idea for me to look back and try and fix that a bit better, so there is more driving the story forward.

 

I really enjoyed the characterisation of both Hestia and Eithne, and I'm so glad that they feel like real people to you!  The two of them are so different, but they really know each other inside-out, and I wanted to convey that in this piece.  They could be independent if they had to be, but they've chosen not to be and I think that's an important distinction - I really don't like romanticising toxic relationship behaviours, and so it was nice to focus on something that was healthier and much better for the both of them in this story.  

 

Thank you so much for this review - I'm really pleased you enjoyed the story!

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 01 Jul 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Once

Hello there, Kevin!

 

This is Kapa, here to review your entry for The Some Chicks Marry Chicks Challenge. Thank you so much for entering my challenge! The results will be up ASAP. : )

 

As I mentioned in the Challenge thread, I'll be judging the entries based on writing, plot, how well the wedding theme works, characterisation and originality, so I decided to write the review based on the same elements. Here we go!

 

Writing: This story is, for the most part, incredibly well written, but at places I do get the sense that this was a little rushed. Your author's note (and the fact that this was posted right at the deadline for the challenge)

 

Sentences like "We arrived in winter and the work was cold - and difficult." exhibit your skilful way with words with deceptive simplicity. But your writing really gets to the next level at the end, with Hestia's speech at the funeral. Ugh, it's so good, and so true to life that it tears at my heart. It sounds like true grief, especially in how it isn't all melodramatic wailing, but Hestia can still throw in that little quip about the light/hard guiding hand - a moment of brevity that manages to highlight her pain. The acknowledgement of the other people present also serves to make it feel true to life.

 

At points you could perhaps do a little more showing instead of telling - an example of such a place is "my dress and heels drew more than a little attention from my male co-workers". Instead of writing that you could have thrown in one or two interactions with said co-workers, which also might have made the story feel slightly ore "lived in" (not that it doesn't as it is, but there's always room for improvement!).

 

Some minor things:

 

"I had noticed a small gold cross" should be "I noticed a small gold cross"

 

"I twist the ring on my finger" should be "I twisted the ring on my finger"

 

Plot: So, you broke my heart, obviously. This is a very well-constructed story, and you give exactly the right of information away at exactly the right point in the story. Reading this story is like following a perfect arch, with the meeting as the beginning, the attack as the climax and the funeral as the (devastating) end. You capture the growth and transformation of a budding relationship very well, and show precisely enough for the reader to follow the love story along without getting bogged down by unnecessary detail.

 

That said, at times it's a little bit hard to follow the timeline and the flow of the story. I suspect that has to do with the story being a little rushed, as you mention in you author's note. You move quickly from one scene to the next, and on the first read-through I found it hard to get my bearings. Especially the jump to the funeral was pretty jarring.

 

Wedding Theme: So, uh... did you get this mixed up with the "Some Chicks Bury Their Murdered Fiancées" Challenge? : P (I jest to keep from crying.) I mean, obviously I would have loved to see Hestia and Emmeline get their happily ever after, but Canon says otherwise, and you weave your story together with Canon for devastating effect. The subtlety of just mentioning the ring, and the funeral echoing of another type of ceremony that takes place in a church are very evocative, and I'm torn between finding it perfect and wanting the wedding theme to shine through just a biiiiit more...

 

Characterisation: I really like how you take two Canon characters, that we know are connected through the Order but don't know much about, and flesh them out as individuals and as lovers. This kind of semi-Canon exploration is like fanfics catnip to me, and your Hestia and Emmeline really comes off as fully formed people, and a very good match - which of course makes the tragedy at the end even sadder. I really like the dynamic that you set up between Hestia and Emmeline, with the different aspects of their relationship like their shared faith and their mentor/mentee-setup. I've actually been thinking a lot lately about how two write characters who are in love without realising that they are in love, and you do that masterfully here.

 

Writing in first person can put the reader so much into the character's head that it becomes difficult to see when they're wrong about themselves, but with Hestia you manage to show that she's strong and brave even when she feels weak and cowardly, which is a feat. And with Emmeline you manage to write a character that feels aspirational and yet realistic. Also, drunk Emmeline is adorbable.

 

The one thing that doesn't quite make sense to me when it comes to characterisation is Hestia's surprise at Emmeline's panic when she's attacked in Hogsmeade. Sure, Emmeline is a hardened veteran and all that, but panic over a friend and colleague being attacked with murderous intent isn't all that surprising to me? It's played here like a hint that Emmeline has more-than-friendly feelings for Hestia, but I don't see why that is. Surely it can't, at this point, be surprising to Hestia that Emmeline cares about her )even if it's surprising that she's in love with her)?

 

Originality: I love the inclusion of their shared faith - it gives the story a strong undercurrent, and is a pretty unique element in fanfiction indeed. (Especially Harry Potter fanfiction, which probably has to do with the odd way religion is treated in Canon...) Even other than that I feel this is a pretty original story. Your choice of characters to focus on is very refreshing, and the mentor/mentee-to-friends-to-lover-to-mourner storyline feels very fresh. As does your use of dialogue (monologue?) in the scene at the funeral.

 

All in all this was a heartbreaking little pearl of a story! Thanks again for entering into my challenge!

 

/Kapa

 

Author's Response:

Kapa! Your challenge was just that for me - a real challenge - that pushed me write outside of the tidy little corner I often live when it comes to diversity. I'm sorry it took so long, but I really appreciate the really detailed review here!

 

Rushed is absolutely a good way to describe it. Usually I'm able to sneak in under the gun (2019 was the first year I actually haven't completed a challenge I've signed on for - and the first I haven't actually completed a challenge :( ) at the very least, but this one didn't turn out quite fleshed out as I wanted on account of it this time - including doing a better job of cleaning up my transitions. Still, I'm glad that you enjoyed Hestia and Emmeline as characters as well as in the context of their relationships - both working and romantic. I want to go back and refine it truthfully, but I don't know how realistic that is with my current writing "obligations".

 

Anyway, the important thing is that I loved your challenge and I really appreciate you taking the time to leave such a detailed review even when you had so many entries to read!

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 01 Jul 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Ours

Hello there, Shaza!

 

This is Kapa, here to review your entry for The Some Chicks Marry Chicks Challenge. Thank you so much for entering my challenge! The results will be up ASAP. : )

 

As I mentioned in the Challenge thread, I'll be judging the entries based on writing, plot, how well the wedding theme works, characterisation and originality, so I decided to write the review based on the same elements. Here we go!

 

Writing: I love the opening narration of this story, and how you write the interactions between Rose and Riley. So simple, so sweet, and just enough description. Good job!

 

The one thing for you to really look out for, especially in such a short story where every word matters, is repetition. In this story you twice have characters repeat lines from the narration almost verbatim, or vice versa. First you have the narration say "neither of them had mentioned the actual wedding since" and then, a few lines later, Rose says "we haven't really mentioned it since then." And then, shortly after, you have Riley say "I don't mind how we get married" only to follow it up with, in the very next line, "she didn't mind how they got married". This slows down the pacing of the story, and is just plain unnecessary. If I were you I'd take out the lines from the narration and just keep the dialogue versions - they're more dynamic and they do the job perfectly fine on their own in a "show, don't tell" way. (I'd actually go even further and move "Riley just wanted to be married" into the dialogue, as "I just want to be married to you," I think that would be super sweet!): )

 

Another thing to watch out is switching point of view in the middle of the story. This is, it would seem, Rose's story - we're in her head at the beginning and at the end, and the story's main conflict, such as it is, concerns her worries. And yet, somewhere in the middle part, towards the end, we're suddenly, for a short while, in Riley's head instead and it gets a bit hard to follow. Especially the clause "laughing at the shocked expression on Rose's face before she smiled and joined in the laughter" is very confusing - the "she" seems like it's supposed to refer to Rose, but grammatically it refers to Riley...

 

Also, I love the description in the beginning but there are less details towards the end and it sort of throws the reader a tiny bit out of the sense of being present that is established in the lovely opening and it's a bit of a shame...

 

Minor things:

 

"kissing on the cheek" should, I think, be "kissing her on the cheek"

 

"the DJ's voices" should be "the DJ's voice"

 

"in contrast to Rose who's" should be either "in contrast to Rose whose" or "in contrast to Rose's which"

 

Plot: So, this story is, obviously, very short. It's really more of a look at a moment in time than something with an elaborate plot. (Actually, I understand that this story is part of a larger series, so it's really more of a plot point than something with its own plot, haha!) Still, there is a nice story progression here, from the lovely beginning with the dancing to the bouquet toss ending, with a story arch moving from uncertainty to certainty, and some nice story beats like Rose tucking Riley's hair behind her ear. I also love how you let the little conflict, such as it is, breathe and not turn into a huge fight but just something easily resolved that they maybe should have talked about before.

 

Wedding Theme: Well, the wedding theme is certainly present here, haha! It's set at a wedding, there's a bouquet toss, people are planning another wedding, there's a ring, the main characters are an engaged couple... and yet I would have loved to see even more wedding stuff. Either more of Lucy's wedding, or some of Rose's and Riley's fantasies/plans for their own - or maybe comparing the two? Still, I wouldn't want the story to be over loaded with wedding paraphernalia either... hm.

 

Characterisation: This is the area where this story really, really shines! Rose and Riley really read like a couple in love, and you get so much about the two of them and their relationship across in so few words! The characters come off as really fleshed out, even though one's an OC and the other has only a miniscule Canon presence (unless you count Cursed Child, but I'm assuming we don't, here...). I get the feeling that you really know and love these characters, and that means that you don't have to over sell them but can let their words and actions speak for themselves. The little exchange between Rose and Riley that sets off the story is adorable and hilarious ("The canopy?" hahaha) and really showcases this, especially with Rose's little "trust her to make a joke about this" that is both exasperated and fond and shows how well they know each other. I love it! <3

 

Though, one thing that I can't quite figure out is how old Rose and Riley are supposed to be here. They seem pretty young, or at least like they sort of rushed into the whole engagement thing, what with the not talking about it for six months... I mean, I've definitely been there with an elephant in the relationship that you know you really need to talk about but you keep delaying it and delaying it, and that sense of dread mixed with resolution that you get when you finally bring it up is really well captured here, buuuuut maybe it might be a sign that a couple should wait for a while with their nuptials if they can go six months without talking about something that should rightly be a big issue in their relationship? It'd be interesting to see the two of them work out the kinks and actually get around to planning the wedding - or deciding to have a prolonged engagement! 

 

Originality: This, honestly, isn't the most original of stories, but not every story has to be! It's not rote or cliché (except maybe for Rose catching Lucy's bouquet - but I think that works well here!), and I feel like it keeps true to the characters, who are original enough. And there are some original turns of dialogue, too.

 

All in all, this was a very sweet and endearing little one-shot, and I would love to read more about this couple in the future (and see them discuss the marriage issue further)! Thanks again for entering into my challenge!

 

/Kapa

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 01 Jul 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: No Longer Mine

Hello there, lovegood27!

 

This is Kapa, here to review your entry for The Some Chicks Marry Chicks Challenge. Thank you so much for entering my challenge! The results will be up ASAP. : )

 

As I mentioned in the Challenge thread, I'll be judging the entries based on writing, plot, how well the wedding theme works, characterisation and originality, so I decided to write the review based on the same elements. Here we go!

 

Writing: Generally the writing does its job, but I feel like this story would have benefitted by someone - you yourself or a beta - going over it an extra time; the writing is a bit chunky at places. (To just mention two examples, "the bride next to her's" is a bit convoluted, I'd suggest something like "her bride's" instead, and "a photographer with the camera" could just be "the photographer".) (Also, minor thing, but some word or another seems to be missing in the sentence "He could still remember everything his first kiss with Luna.")

 

One minor word choice that also threw me off a bit was your choice to describe Luna's hair as "dirty blonde." It clashes with the other words you chose to describe Luna with here - "elegant," "as pale as the moon she was names after" (lovely phrasing, by the way!), "beautiful"... I mean, I know that's how it's described in Canon, but the books are written from Harry's point of view, and he's not attracted to Luna. Blaise very obviously is - it shows in those other descriptions - and I think (depending on exactly what shade you imagine it to be) it would make more sense to describe Luna's hair here as, for example, "ash blonde," "golden blonde" or "sandy blonde," all of which has a more positive ring to it than "dirty blonde".

 

I thought you were going somewhere interesting with the avoidance of names in the first part, but then you casually threw them in at the beginning of the second part even though it seems like you're aiming for a sort of build up where the climax is the line "At the top of this cake, the two figures were of Luna and Ginny Weasley." If that was the first time the names of Ginny and Luna were mentioned it would be pretty powerful, but it's not... (Still, this effect could easily be reached by just replacing "Luna and Ginny's wedding cake" with "The wedding cake" in the second line of the second section.)

 

Other than that, I like the wistful tone you've achieved in this story, and every little section of the story builds up well to the ending sentence in a pleasing way. I especially love the punch of the last sentence of the first little section, "It was the way she used to look at him." standing alone at the end like that. It's a really nice touch! : )

 

Plot: The plot of this story is pretty simple, which is not at all a bad thing; it works really well. The important thing here isn't exactly what happens - Luna and Ginny get married, Blaise goes to the wedding, talks to Luna and then leaves - but the way Blaise relates to what's happening and his process of trying - and failing - to accept it. That means the "main action" of the story is mostly internal, which is a story type that I personally like a lot, and here it's well executed. As for what actually happens, I like how we get to see different elements of the ceremony and celebrations, while still keeping the story flow and not getting stuck for too long at one particular part. We get little snapshots of the wedding, stopping at the places with the most emotional resonance for poor Blaise, which really draws the reader into both the story generally but also Blaise's point of view specifically. The one thing that is a bit weird to me plot wise is that there's no real explanation why Luna and Blaise have their little talk at Luna's actual wedding, instead of meeting up beforehand to talk things out.

 

This is in general a story that relies heavily on (implied) backstory, and that backstory is at points a bit hard to follow. We see almost nothing of the former romance between Blaise and Luna (with the notable exception of the little flashback to their first kiss, which works really well - the story would have benefitted from more little snippets like that!), and we have to take the love they shared as a given rather than really see or feel it. In a way that works, as we are in Blaise's point of view and for him their relationship is a matter of course, but I still would have liked to see more of how their romance played out - especially as it's such an interesting pairing!

 

I really like how there's no real resolution tacked on to the ending - it just ends with Blaise leaving, without reaching any closure or deep insights, I a way that feels very true to life. Not everything in life ends up tied up in a little bow, and that's okay. I like that this story acknowledges that.

 

Wedding Theme: The wedding theme is present in every part of this story, and it works really well. The fact that Ginny and Luna are getting married is intrinsical to the story's plot, and yet the wedding is handled in an interesting and unique way. As I said in the plot section, this story isn't primarily about Luna and Ginny getting married, but about how Blaise relates to their getting married, and it's compelling to see a (happy) wedding portrayed as an unhappy occasion for the story's main character. As I mentioned above I also really like how the wedding elements are used to move the story forward, and there are some very sweet and romantic and whimsical details. For example, I absolutely adore the idea of Luna putting dirigible plums in her bouquet!

 

Characterisation: I see in your Author's Not that you worry about Luna being OOC in this story, so I'm going to start out with her and then move on to Blaise.

 

So, Luna. She's not the main character in this story, and as such we only see her sort of "from a distance," and through Blaise's eyes. Thus it's not surprising if she doesn't come off exactly as in Canon. Still, to me she does seem a slight bit weakly characterised here. I like the very Luna-esque elements of whimsy that you add to the story - her dreamy expression, the dirigible plums, the bottle cap necklace - but when it comes to her actual behaviour I think she lacks some of the kind wisdom that she has in Canon. It's not that there's none of it here - I like the sympathy she shows for Blaise, for example, it seems very in character (as does Blaise's point about her being observant of other people's feelings!) - but to me it seems strange for someone who seems to know herself as well as Luna does to not be able to give a straight answer when asked why she chose to marry one person over another. It's not a decision to be made lightly, and the fact that Luna uses phrases like "I'm not even sure" and "I don't know" when talking about it seems like weak characterisation in general and also not very in line with Canon. (Even an "I can't explain it" or "This is not the right time" would have made more sense than a straight up "I don't know.") As it stands it comes off a bit like Luna chose to marry Ginny rather than Blaise because otherwise there wouldn't be a story...

 

This also seems especially weird for a character like Luna, who has never been afraid to act outside the norm in Canon. "I had to choose one of you" comes off as just accepting the societal norms in a way that makes little sense for Luna. I mean, I personally headcanon Luna as poly, so this is extra weird to me, but even a monogamous Luna would, I think, use other reasoning than "that's just how it is." If she'd said something like "When I really thought about how I wanted my life to be, I knew I wanted to be able to focus all my love on just one person, and I chose Ginny" then that would show that she still reasoned independently and wasn't just going along with what society says is right. Does that make sense? Still, I don't think your Luna is wildly out of character - I still definitely recognised her.

 

Now, on to our main character, Blaise! There's obviously a lot less Canon characterisation of him than there is of Luna, so I'm mainly going to go on how strong the characterisation of him is in this story on its own, and it's pretty strong. The reader definitely gets a good grasp about who Blaise is as a person; reserved, bottled up, avoidant, wanting to do the right thing, trying to force his feelings to conform to what he thinks he should feel, and failing, because he's still so in love with Luna. : ( Still, he doesn't come off as completely sympathetic. He's a bit needy, and he has enough of a temper to be unable to stop himself from making a bit of a scene when pushed into a corner and forced to confront his feelings, and there's something a little off putting in the way he still calls Ginny "Weasley." He also seems kind of obsessed with "owning" Luna, with all the references to Luna being or not being "his" - which might be a reason why Luna chose to spend her life with someone else, now that I think about it. She doesn't seem the type to want to "belong" to someone else...

 

It would have been interesting to see you delve a little deeper into Blaise's character and motivations. As it is we get these little glimpses of someone who, almost against his better judgement up to and loved this one person, this weird woman from the side he was brought up to see as the enemy, and got badly burned. As I mentioned above, it would have been interesting to see more of his history with Luna, how they met, how they fell in love, what their respective friends and families thought about it all... Also, there are two elements of Blaise's Canon characterisation that it would have been interesting to see you tackle in this story: The first thing is how Blaise canonically is attracted to Ginny. I was surprised that you didn't do anything with this little Canon tidbit - it could go in many different interesting directions. The second thing is that I would have loved to see you explore how Blaise's views on weddings and marriage had been affected by the fact that his own mother married (and most likely murdered) seven different men. That would give one a pretty unique view of the wedded state, don't you think? : P

 

Originality: This is a pretty original story, I think. First off Luna/Blaise isn't the most common of pairings, obviously, but more than that I feel like portraying a wedding through the eyes of an ex-lover is an interesting and pretty original choice. The lack of a tidy resolution at the end of the story also adds to its uniqueness and really works in the story's favour.

 

All in all, this is a (bitter)sweet little story and an interesting look at a character we don't see much of in Canon, but I feel like it doesn't always live up to its potential. Still, it was a nice read, and thanks again for entering into my challenge!

 

/Kapa

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 05 Feb 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Chapter 1

Cross posted from AO3:

 

Hello there, Ineke!

 

(And sorry about taking my time with this review...)

 

First off, as I mentioned on Twitter, I really liked this story! : ) You capture the weirdness that is a celebration taking place at a time when nobody feels much like celebrating, and it also ties in really well with Canon. I can absolutely imagine the first Christmas at the Burrow after the war going something like this! : )

 

I really liked the little scene-setting introductory paragraph about the snow and the people moving around in it. (Fun fact: when I read this it was snowing outside my window!) However, it feels a little cut off from the rest of the story - I think it could work even better if you added a similar paragraph at the end of the story. Something like "Outside, the snow had stopped falling. Now it lay as a white shroud, enveloping the world in peace and quiet, waiting for the morning when new feet would come to leave new prints on its surface." Or you know, whatever! : P

 

I love Ginny overdoing the decorations, it's such a great character moment for her. Ah, Ginny! She's one of my favourite characters. : )

 

The phrasing "Mrs. Weasley had been reduced to tears more often than not" reads as a little weird to me. Now, English is not my first language so take this with a grain of salt, but I'd either say "Mrs Weasley had been crying more often than not" or "Mrs Weasley had been reduced to tears time and time again" or something like that.

 

Oh, and also, when you take the narrative back to Ginny decorating, and to her conversation with Harry on her first day back from Hogwarts you start writing in past perfect tense ("had"), which makes perfect (pun intended!) sense. However, you keep writing in that tense even when you're back in the narrative's regular time, which makes the story unecessarily difficult to follow. I found myself thinking "wait, when is this happening?" several times as I read the story. The narrative "now" is supposed to be on Christmas itself, right? I know you don't like to edit but I still strongly suggest that you go over the story to change all the verb that describe things that happen on Christmas itself to simple past tense (which, I suppose, would include changing the above sentence about poor Molly to something like "Mrs Weasley cried more often than not" or something similar...). It would make such a difference in readability, and this story definitely deserves it!

 

Ah, I'm always a sap for child!Teddy (and here we get toddler!Teddy, which is even better!). : D And oh, that line about George's smile not reaching his eyes is painful! But it's so lovely and believable that all the Weasleys+ would do their best to make Teddy's first Christmas as great as possible. : )

 

One general thing you could watch out for in your future writing is that you have a bit of a tendency to write long, run on sentences that become a bit cumbersome to read - especially when there are more than one of them in a short span of writing. Now, this is a very common problem, and one I have myself, and I've found that trying to think "Could this sentence be shorter?" whenever I write a period (or question/exclamation mark) helps a lot. : )

 

All in all I found this to be a charming little one-shot! Your characterisation is great and much in line with Canon, and the scene you set is truly heartwarming. Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read it. I'll review you Albus/Scorpius story as soon as I get the time. : )

 

/Kapa

Reviewer: FireOpal Signed
Date: 28 Jan 2017 · Title: Chapter 1: Someone to talk to

Cross-posted from AO3:

 

OMG, how weird is it that we’ve both written stories called ”Someone to talk to” – and that Ginny is the main character of both of them!? As soon as I saw that I knew that I had to read this story, haha! And, well… it’s very different from my story of the same name (though Ron’s absence is felt in both of them…) but I really quite liked it! It’s amazing how you manage to write such a would-be-hopeful and heart-warming little story about Ginny discovering a new friend, when the scenario that you’re setting up really isn’t either hopeful or heart-warming at all, because of course we all know what comes next! But Ginny doesn’t know that, and in a way you make it feel like the story itself doesn’t know it either. You never so much as hint at something darker going on beneath the surface, and somehow that discordance is what makes the story truly horrific!

 

Well done!

 

/Kapa

Author's Response:

Reply also cross posted :)

I love that we have twin stories! I must go and check yours out. Probably not straight away but I will do it soon - pesky RL. Darn it. But yeah, while we know what that diary will lead to, Ginny doesn't, and as this story is told from her perspective I couldn't have any of that darkness in there, could I? It was, to an eleven year old girl, simply someone to talk to, at a time when she was feeling isolated. So pleased that you liked it! <3

cheers Mel