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Chiara's blog

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On life, writing, adulting, fanfiction, representation and other things – a stream of consciousness



Okay, people. This is high on my list of things that have absolutely no priority to be done but, like, I need to? I'm jumping into this without any real plan and I have no idea what will come out of it... also, a word of warning: this might turn very personal and I might also include thoughts that might be disagreeable or that might be triggering for someone (I'm not saying it is going to happen, I'm saying it is a possibility)... please know that, if that eventually happens, it is not my intention to hurt or offend anyone... because I love every single one of you from the bottom of my heart (probably a bit too much considering I don't even know most of you in RL and I still care for you as much as - if not more than - I do for some of my RL friends, which is sort of crazy? I don't know, I'm already rambling and I'm not even started...)

Anyway... I'm turning 32 in little over two weeks... which is crazy because I could swear I was 15 the day before yesterday? And while I think I have a pretty "standardized" life (a master degree, a full time job, a house that I keep at a decent state of order, even if my aunts would probably disagree on this point) I still feel like I'm missing a point... lacking a purpose... I feel like I haven't actually learnt to live yet. This probably has something to do with the fact that I've never been in a relationship in my whole life... I'm not even sure about my sexuality and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with that. I'm not sure if my current job is truly what I want to do and sometimes I feel like I'm throwing away my life just because I want to fit in certain standards, but in truth those standards are just too tight for me? Do you ever feel trapped into what society expects from you? Do you ever think that life is too short and that you should enjoy it at his fullest and yet you don't because you need to make it fit into some kind of predefined structure and you don't know how to escape it? Well, this is how I feel a lot of the time. And I feel guilty because I was born in the best possible conditions and I'm still managing not to make the best of it. Because it's obviously my fault if I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I'm too lazy or too coward to change it, isn't it? (Well done, Chiara! This already sounds depressing!)

One thing that actually gives me happiness is writing. I've been writing since I was a child, being it nonsensical fairytales, bad poetry or just simple diary pages. I've always had a big imagination and sometime I get lost in the worlds inside my own head, where there are no boundaries and I can just be whatever and whoever I want to be. Probably that would be the key of my happiness, and I have seriously considered (especially in the last months when I worked for my old society and I was starting not to feel at ease there anymore) to drop everything and just write for a living. But that sounded like something too crazy that no sane person would do, especially because I don't think I would actually be able to get published for a bunch of reasons, namely I'm not good enough, patient enough and determined enough. Still, I love to write and I try to do so, even if it's hard and even if it requires time and dedication and even if it's just for myself.

When I discovered HPFF and the wonderful community that still lives here (I don't want to get into all the drama that was HPFF, even if I have a lot of thoughts about that, too... let's just say that I still feel lucky to stumble upon that site because, despite its many flaws, it introduced me to the wonderful world of fanfiction and to all of you beautiful people that, as I said already, I love from the bottom of my heart) it was in a hard time of my life (and I'm not going into that, either, because I've talked about that enough loads of times and it is not the purpose of this... not that this has a purpose...) and fanfiction helped me through a lot. I rediscovered the love for writing and I could finally share it with someone, and I was shocked and so happy to discover that my writing could actually resonate with someone. This community also opened my eyes over a lot of things I had never really thought about, like the importance of representation and the beautiful complexity that is the LGBTQA community. I have learnt so much just by interacting with you and I know I still have a whole lot to learn but what I'm trying to say is that the world is vast and diverse and wonderful and that I have to thank you for making me look a bit further than what I was used/comfortable to see. And well, the world can also be ugly and harsh and cruel at times, and we see that a lot nowadays, unfortunately... and sometimes it feels easier to just turn the head the other side and pretend it's alright, because, really, what can one person even do? I'm not even sure what I'm talking about anymore, I'm so sorry...

I think I screwed this up completely, but now I'm sort of exhausted and I don't really want to try to make this rambling sensical. So I'll just have to decide if post this or discard it completely. But I'll do so after lunch, because it's 1.30am and this Italian needs her food. (Going to make myself spaghetti with clams. Anyone want some?)

Just one last reminder that you are all awesome and that I love you all so much!

Snowball hug rolling your way,


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I'm a few years older than you and have never been in a relationship either nor do I ever intend to be. Admittedly, in my case, it is largely choice as it is not something I've ever wanted, but just to say there are more of us in our 30s who aren't married and having children.

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Sending so much love and so many hugs your way, Chiara. I'm so glad you found this community, but if you ever want to talk about anything - because there are definitely points in this post I relate 100% to - my inbox is open here and on twitter. ❤️ :hug:

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I totally get how you're feeling, Chiara! Sometimes I just feel like this whole day to day job thing isn't what I want and what happened to those people who just go out into the world and live day by day. Of course, I don't have any money so I don't know how I could possibly do that. And I have college bills, and credit card bills, and a car payment now, so that doesn't help. I also wish I could live off of writing, but it is so hard sometimes. Sometimes I just feel kind of stuck, trapped in my own life. i've been in a relationship with one person, multiple times, and I think it took me too long to realize that he was who I wanted to be with and to tell him that and now I'm kind of unsure, because I feel like I'm going to end up alone and I don't want to be alone... love/life is hard. I know we're not close, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. I feel your pain. :hug:

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i don't know how much i can be of help, considering that we're both at different points in our life. 

but i do have to say that some points of your stream of consciousness resonates a lot with me. like how it feels like i'm just floating through life, rather than feeling/experiencing with it. it's like this social clock is ticking for something, except you don't know for what. it feels like you've missed the opportunities that life has offered you, and you can't get them back again. i'm not really sure how to get out of this funk myself. 

i'm sorry that you feel this way. and i hope you figure things out. if you want help, i'm always open, even if i don't have the best advice to offer you. 

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Thank you so much, everyone! Your understanding and affection really means a lot! :wub: :hug:

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Posted (edited)

I've written and re-written something, but it's much shorter now since I promised myself not to monopolize your comments section with all the details (maybe in my own Chiara-inspired post or if you ever want someone to talk to about it), but I turned thirty (30) last year among hanging out with wonderful HPFT friends I got to meet face-to-face for the first time (yourself included, obviously). I think many of my friends here honestly care about me more than most of my friends "IRL".

I've been pretty feeling pretty downtrodden for quite some time about the path I've walked/am walking. I am working in a career I enjoy, but the job I have in that profession is increasingly slipping away from the direction I want it to take. Despite what I have achieved, I reflect on how much potential I think I had for more - potential I wasted by allowing myself to be lazy in high school and college. I look at my student loan balance and see an insurmountable debt I know I'll never pay off. My love life - such as it is - is something of a hellscape of can't-haves, might've-beens, and a colossal clung-to, the only redeeming quality of which is that it gave me my life's greatest blessing - my son. 

I've also thought of going rogue, of taking that risk and trying to just write to live or opening my own law office - trying to forge happiness by jumping without a parachute. But I feel paralyzed too - by parenthood, by epilepsy, by the past.

The good thing is we aren't alone. We can stick together. We can share with people in a similar spot and/or that, being online, I think we have less fear about opening up to. Nobody's the same and we all have different experiences and different burdens, but hopefully that can make the difference. If you ever want to talk (any of you), my inbox is always open. Perhaps we can help each other to a brighter tomorrow - and even to our dreams.

Edited by TidalDragon
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