Finale From The Other Side

We, grumpy cat and sibilant (aka hissing sound), the Communicants¹ of the Wizard’s Council, are here to present the official proceedings of the 2019 Ministerial Election.

Some journalists have levied accusations of voting tampering against us; we will use this official proclamation to provide the full and unquestionably truthful account of the election process, in accordance with the Wizarding Constitution of 1234.

The Wizard’s Council - a mostly competent governing body

In mid-June, Minister Femley was embroiled in a scandal of unparalleled scandalousness. The Wizard’s Council unanimously decided to impeach Minister Femley and called for a snap election to seek out a new Minister, who better embodied the Council’s values. We quickly learned, however, that the business of running elections was quite complicated. At one point, we realized that we had partaken in some very foolish tomfoolery, and had no clue who was operating the Quibbler or Rita Skeeter accounts despite having created them ourselves.

The campaign teams were significantly better at running elections than us. The intelligencers² successfully hunted down policy prompts, while the Wizard’s Council struggled to resolve a mystery of our own: the case of the secretly non-updated stories...which led your lovely benevolent Communicants to this realization:

A valiant effort was made by the campaign teams to win the public’s favour but, ultimately, the most compelling propaganda was evident from the start - Greg and Ollie’s public broadcast. Your venerable Wizard’s Council and its Communicants harbour a terrible weakness for grimalkin videos.

Then, the campaign teams presented very convincing arguments for their candidates’ policy positions. The most convincing argument, however, came from @juls, the Honourable Exchequer of Anne Arkey’s campaign staff:

On 7/3/2019 at 11:43 PM, juls said:

Unless a sticking charm is applied, paper money can quickly be lost in a sudden gust of wind. Metal money stays put!

One does not simply dispute this unquestionable logic.

The election cycle intensified as the campaign teams presented their signature policies and debated one another's policies, in addition to publishing short editorials around a set of three topics. The Wizard’s Council was particularly impressed by @Rumpelstiltskin's editorial drabbles centered around goats: Cheating the System, The Goatfather,  A Different Rhythm.

The Communicants officially dub her the Slytherin General, Mother of Goats, the Goatfather. 

The campaign teams continued a competitive and exciting election by reaching out to constituents. In total, the campaign teams left an astounding 654 reviews. @just.a.willow.tree particularly left a mind-boggling 200+ reviews.

A Most Puzzling Lobbying Affair

The public was outraged at the outcome of the most puzzling lobbying affair ever to hit the Wizarding World. It has been ascertained that the esteemed members of the Wizard’s Council are Trolls. Quite literally.

The Sage Communicant grumpy cat especially embraced her role of being the resident Troll:

Also, at some point, the Wisewomen of the Wizard’s Council who composed the riddles didn’t know the answers to said riddles. They even mixed up the riddles.

The Cunning Councilwoman Chemical_Pixie indeed had a minuscule moment of uncertainty regarding one of her rebus puzzles.

By the end of this noble election, Ingenious Communicant sibilant had resorted to calling campaign staff animals.

Had the members been sneakier, mayhaps the riddles would have been easier. Three riddle answers are floating around the bottom of the front page of the forums.

And finally, in a dark and twisty turn of events, dastardly scoundrel Martin Miggs has proven himself as the most elusive crossword answer. With his stealth and trickery, no one noticed this mad French Muggle trying to teach students about animals.

 

Earning the Support of the Wizard’s Council: Or A Guide to Masterfully Pulling the Strings of the Wizard’s Council

The Sage Communicant grumpy cat was filled with pure outrage at being called scary:

This prompted Ingenious Communicant sibilant and Daringest Councilwoman something wicked to present propaganda of their own for grumpy cat, their most benevolent dictator.

The Noble House of Gryffindor issued a proclamation that the Ingenious Communicant sibilant is a mean tease:

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27. Establish a Superiority Complex tax for scientists who insist on making everything sound Too Complicated. < I feel like this has to be taylor because it's got both 'complex' and 'complicated' which have capitals letters too, I think it's too much of a mean tease if it's not her.

The Ingenious Communicant sibilant is well-pleased at being the sneakiest member of the Wizard’s Council. Due to reasons of State Security, the Wizard’s Council cannot provide a complete account of what the House of Slytherin had to offer to earn her endorsement.

The House of Slytherin was struck by a grievous malady in the form of collective amnesia over the fact that Sage Communicant grumpy cat left more than two hundred reviews during the Magical Menagerie.

The Brave Intelligencer @nott theodore stood cool in the face of danger in the form of various hissing sounds coming from the general direction of Ingenious Communicant sibilant and was the pioneer in discovering Ingenious Communicant sibilant’s policy platforms.

The Sneaky Councilwoman down-in-flames hid her secret platform in plain sight on the front page of the forums.

 

Deciphering the Elusive Creature, The Rebus

In their noble efforts to decipher The Rebus, the persistent Intelligencers displayed tremendous creativity. Unfortunately, most of the time their creativity was futile.

House of Gryffindor

The Gracious Intelligencer @Noelle Zingarella may have been wrong with these, but she almost killed your Communicants, they laughed so hard.

On 7/26/2019 at 8:15 PM, Noelle Zingarella said:

Rebus Set #3:

1. instagram

On 7/26/2019 at 8:28 PM, Noelle Zingarella said:

Rebus Puzzle 3:

2. yangtze river

House of Hufflepuff

The Cleverest Intelligencer @just.a.willow.tree gave the Communicants an excellent education in occult terms in her attempts to decipher this particular rebus:

Though these guesses were ultimately so very wrong, the Communicants appreciated the clever rationale:

On 7/23/2019 at 10:47 PM, just.a.willow.tree said:

rebus 1:
- 16 geomantic figures

On 7/23/2019 at 10:51 PM, just.a.willow.tree said:

rebus 1:
- ghost? (since it's life with holes in it?? idk??)

On 7/23/2019 at 10:54 PM, just.a.willow.tree said:

rebus 1:
- resurrection? (life made up of neverending circles IDK)

On 7/24/2019 at 9:40 AM, just.a.willow.tree said:

rebus 1:
- homunculus 😭

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OMEN - a man made of Os

Your Communicants have never even heard of some of these.

House of Ravenclaw

The Resourceful Ravenclaws discovered a suspicious connection to a large corporation. The Wizard’s Council would like to refute any accusations of affiliation with said large corporation.

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rebus 3:

1. Hexagram
2. Amazon (because they sell everything from A to Z

House of Slytherin

We have to admit, even your Cunning Councilwoman Chemical_Pixie is not this evil. Truly, we are troubled by the fact that Shrewd Intelligencer @Rumpelstiltskin, the Slytherin General, Mother of Goats, the Goatfather, would even think this would be a true answer.

Honourable members of the Wizard’s Council

Councilwoman Wise Crow crowsb4bros also had some rather clever interpretations of the rebus puzzles:

 

A Quest to Unscramble Secret Phrases

House of Gryffindor

Intelligencer @nott theodore misrepresented the secret phrase for Wordsearch 2:

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 The Misrepresented Magical Menagerie

House of Hufflepuff

The Hufflepuff Intelligencers created an entire document detailing their methodical attempts at unscrambling the secret phrase for Wordsearch 1:

#NameThePrefectsFunOgre

House of Ravenclaw

Magnificent Intelligencer @MadiMalfoy had a number of amazing guesses for Wordsearch 2. The Communicants present an especially entertaining selection of guesses:

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Magical Menagerie / President Themes

Magical Menagerie Presents: Feed Him

Magical Menageries / Deep in the Terms

Magical Menagerie Theme: Pet Friends

Her most wonderful guess, however, was her first guess for Wordsearch 1:

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the sure great name change of hpft

House of Slytherin

Greg may not have won the ministerial election, but meet our newest, purrfect, Gryffindor prefect: 

 

The War of the Twelve Riddles: or The Terrifyingly Hilarious Riddle Guesswork

A long and grave battle was fought for Riddle Set #2 between the noble houses of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff.

Ultimately, Hufflepuff won the battle. And eventually, the war.

House of Gryffindor

This noble House was led to War of the Twelve Riddles by courageous @nott theodore, @Noelle Zingarella and @Crimson Quill. In the bedlam of battle their guesswork was mayhaps wrong, but certainly amongst the most entertaining!

As a fan of the Bard of Avon and the tragedy of Macbeth, @nott theodore tried terribly hard to make your venerable Communicants believe that the answers to all the riddles were Macbeth characters.

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Set 3 - I might be completely off base here but I'm convinced that this set is related to the play Macbeth - partly because it's one of Deni's favourite Shakespeare plays, it's related to witchcraft and one of the wordsearches was all character names.

summon both man and witch's doom / For without me they cannot groom - this made me think of water?  Humans can drown in water, evil witches are killed by it (the Wizard of Oz etc); you need water to keep clean?

Sparrow's war - the only thing that comes up when I google this is Mao declaring war on sparrows

sinking hope - for some reason this makes me think of the Titanic but I'm 99.9% sure that's not related

Halfway down the slant - is there anyone/anything that lives partway up a hill in Harry Potter?

Light and King both collide - there's a reason these are capitalised but I don't know what it might be.  All I can think of is the Lion King - 'everything the light touches'

The White Wave - My first thought here was the White Walkers in GoT but I don't think that's it.

Sparrow’s war is not mine alone, - (WHAT ON EARTH DOES THIS MEAN??) Is the answer a bird that hates sparrows?

As evidenced above, besides Macbeth, water, Mao, Titanic, a mysterious hill-living person, Lion King, the White Walkers, a sparrow-hating bird, grumpy cat and even Barny the Fruit Bat made an appearance.

House of Hufflepuff

The Hufflepuff Intelligencers sought the endorsement of leprechauns (riddle set 1, riddle 2), Asha (riddle set 2, riddle 1), The Toadstool Tales (riddle set 2, riddle 1), literally all the Weasleys (riddle set 2, riddle 1), Babbity Rabbity (riddle set 2, riddle 1), and Eldred Worple (riddle set 3, riddle 1).

They mistakenly identified The Quibbler as the Miserable Ode of Quivering Quintus, which is...close, and yet so far. 

The Hufflepuff Intelligencers showed their craftiness and resourcefulness in attempting to decode what laid between four and five:

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platform 9/34 was filmed between platforms 4 and 5

Eldred Worple offered to write a bio of HArry with sessions between 4 and 5 hours long

House of Ravenclaw

The Ravenclaw Intelligencers had a rather historical interpretation of Riddle Set 3:

Honourable members of the Wizard’s Council

Other members of the Wizard’s Council also struggled with the riddles. Councilwoman Wise Crow crowsb4bros immediately brought up concerns about the Communicants’ sneakiness:

Councilwoman Wise Crow crowsb4bros, like her fellow Ravenclaws, dove into history to try to solve the riddles:

Councilwomen galadriel and Ineke were also true Ravenclaws, immediately identifying a clue that the Intelligencers did not solve so easily:

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Halfway down the slant I reside -- i'm sure this means halfway down diagon alley

Councilwoman Wise Crow crowsb4bros was additionally drawn to a certain notorious Pureblood family:

The Gryffindors sought the endorsement of a mysterious hill-living person, and Councilwoman Wise Crow crowsb4bros wanted to be endorsed by a well-living person.

Much like her Gryffindor housemate Intelligencer nott theodore, Councilwoman belgian quaffle immediately thought of Westeros:

House of Slytherin

Ultimately, Shrewd Intelligencer @Rumpelstiltskin, the Slytherin General, Mother of Goats, the Goatfather, had come to the best possible conclusion:

 

Notable Figures

As per the Wizarding Constitution of 1234, The Wizard’s Council has decided to provide these questionably accurate figures in order to ward off any possible accusations of corruption:

• The chaos of the most puzzling lobbying affair buried Communicants down-in-flames, something wicked, and grumpy cat in over 175 notifications in the first day and a half.
• The Communicants took little over a week to enter all of Hufflepuff’s 450 reviews into their spreadsheet.
• Ingenious Communicant sibilant had to give the Slytherins 36 sad-reacts before they finally earned her endorsement.
• Ingenious Communicant sibilant listened to the Yellow Jacket song approximately 100 times and can now recite it from memory.
• The Hufflepuff Intelligencers valiantly defeated the Witch Weekly riddle and won the Battle for Riddle Set 2 after 51 guesses.
• After 32 guesses and an impressive variety of occult terms that the Communicants hadn’t even heard of before, @just.a.willow.tree finally cracked the occult rebus.
• Unscrambling Word Search #2 brought out an unparalleled level of creativity in @MadiMalfoy, with over 15 guesses and an entire notebook page.
• And finally, number of times Kris had to fix cryptograms: We have no idea but a lot.

Puzzle Answers

And now…

The Real Riddle Answers That You Have All Been Waiting For

Each riddle set represented a coalition of endorsers, comprised of one famous individual, a publication, and a business. Each riddle set also had a general theme.

Riddle Set 1: Athletes United

Riddle 1: Viktor Krum | brought to you by Wisewoman grumpy cat

From the Land of the Masters I hail
A crooked triumph, to no avail,
To pursue a bird I was born
The glint of gilded defeat I scorn

In the first line, the Land of the Masters references Pannonia - historically, Krum was a Bulgar chieftain from Pannonia, which is sometimes called the Land of the Masters. The third line references the fact that he is a Seeker, as he seeks the Golden Snitch (also known as the Golden Snidget, thus pursu[ing] a bird). The remaining lines reference both his name (Krum = crooked, Viktor = conqueror, hence triumph) and the 1994 Quidditch World Cup. This triumph was also crooked and to no avail because the Bulgarian team ultimately lost the cup (hence a defeat). However, Viktor caught the Snitch--which is why it’s a gilded defeat.

Riddle 2: Quidditch Through the Ages | brought to you by Wisewoman grumpy cat

Maltreated I may be,
But history will be known to thee.
Cursed I am, but protected all the same,
I laugh at swindlers of remarkable fame.

Madam Pince describes the book as “pawed about, dribbled on and generally maltreated nearly every day.” The second line, history will be known to thee, references the book’s content as it is the “definitive work on the origins and history of Quidditch”. The third line references the fact that the copy in the Hogwarts Library is protected by the Thief’s Curse (thus protected and cursed at the same time). The fourth line again references the Thief’s Curse, the book laughing at swindlers (which is a synonym of thief) because it’s protected from them.

Riddle 3: Quality Quidditch Supplies | brought to you by Wisewoman grumpy cat

To beat, to sweep, to flutter,
To entice many a nutter.
The North is my domain,
True to excellence I remain.

The first line references the types of things one could find in the shop: bats to beat, brooms to sweep, Snitches that flutter. The second line references how the shop attracts Quidditch fans, including particularly enthusiastic ones--nutters, like Oliver Wood. The third line references the shop’s location in the North Side of Diagon Alley (and was purposely supposed to make the Intelligencers think of Game of Thrones :P). The fourth line references the fact that the shop is called Quality Quidditch Supplies, so they’re remaining true to their excellence in their products.

Riddle Set 2: Magical Allied Artists

Riddle 1: Witch Weekly | brought to you by Wisewoman sibilant (and grumpy cat in tiny parts)

My parent mirrors a prince’s father,
And echoes a satire, so do not bother
with tragedy,
Because I seek out the fairest of them all,
To dazzle the world with gall.

The first line describes the first name of Witch Weekly founder, Tobias Misselthorpe. Tobias is also the first name of Severus’s father, and Severus is the Half-Blood Prince, thus the Witch Weekly’s parent (creator) mirrors (shares appearance/connection/name with) a prince (the Half-Blood Prince)’s father. The next two lines describes the last name of the Witch Weekly founder. Misselthorpe sounds like Misanthrope, which is a famous satirical play by comedic playwright Moliere. Thus Witch Weekly’s parent also echoes (sounds like) a play that is a satire, and not a tragedy. These two lines also reference the general light-hearted nature of the magazine. The last two lines reference the magazine’s Most Charming Smile award, through which it seeks out the fairest of them all. The last line is mostly for rhyming purposes.

Riddle 2: Madam Malkin’s Robes for all Occasions | brought to you by Wisewoman sibilant

I summon both man and witch’s doom,
For without me they cannot groom.
Be it beggar or lord, come for what
you can afford.

The first line references “Malkin”. Malkin may be derived from “Malkin Tower”, which was a key element in the Pendle Witches trial and thus summon(s) a witch’s doom. Graymalkin was also the name of a cat that belonged to one of the Weird Sisters in Shakespeare’s Macbeth; the Weird Sisters eventually summoned Macbeth’s doom. Thus, the malkin summons both man and witch’s doom. The last two lines reference the fact that Madam Malkin makes clothes. The third line references the fact that the shop has robes for all occasions and all people, and frequently have sales, thus having options for beggar(s) or lord(s), whatever they can afford.

Riddle 3: Celestina Warbeck | brought to you by Wisewoman sibilant (and grumpy cat in tiny parts)

Watch me soar through the skies,
A goddess taking flight.
My verse draws your eyes,
A singular unique delight.
Sparrow’s war is not mine alone,
But a flighty mistress will always hold her throne.

The first line references the celestial nature of the singer’s first name. The second line is a reference to Celestina’s Flighty Aphrodite tour, thus a goddess taking flight. The third line references that Celestina is a singer (thus her verse, or song, draws your eyes). The fourth line references the fact that there is no one else quite like Celestina, thus she is a singular unique delight. The last two lines are another reference to Aphrodite. Aphrodite is often associated with sparrows and she was one of three goddesses whose feud resulted in the beginning of the Trojan War, thus her war is not [hers] alone. She is referenced as a flighty mistress because she has many affairs (much like Celestina has many husbands), but is described as always hold[ing] her throne because she will always be the queen--much as Celestina’s music will always be revered.

Riddle Set 3: Gamers Coalition

Riddle 1: Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes | brought to you by Wisewoman Chemical_Pixie

Between four and five
There’s something to unhide
Always a new matter
Full of caution and some chatter
A smile, a frown, unknown habit
In the mirror stands the holy gambit.

Fred and George are the fourth and fifth Weasleys, and Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes is their joint venture (and is thus between them). There’s always something new to discover, reveal, or unhide in the shop, a new matter, if you will. The fourth line references the fact that the shop sells a number of defensive magical objects, thus it is full of caution, and that there are usually many patrons, thus it is also full of some chatter. The fifth line references the fact that Molly didn’t know of Fred and George’s enterprising (thus it is an unknown habit). At the end of the war, only (holy--or holey) George remains the lone gambit. 

Riddle 2: The Quibbler | brought to you by Wisewoman grumpy cat

The pain, the insult,
my greatest enemy.
Never to quiver from assault,
I stand tall with my devilry.

The first two lines reference Dolores Umbridge. Dolores means “pain” and Umbridge means “insult”. Umbridge is referred to as the Quibbler’s greatest enemy because she banned students from having copies of it. The Quibbler, however, does not quiver from assault in that the students continue to read it regardless, and in that it continues to report the truth during Harry’s fifth year and the Second Wizarding War--therefore standing tall with its (supposed) devilry (because The Quibbler’s reports were claimed to be wrong/dishonest, hence devilry).

Riddle 3: Ludo Bagman | brought to you by Wisewoman grumpy cat

Remember, remember!
The fifth of November,
A spook, my friend, shamelessly caught!
Brought to ruin by my own plot.
A player, a fool, I know naught.

The first two lines reference the Gunpowder Plot of 1605 - one of the plotters was Ambrose Rookwood. Augustus Rookwood was a spy (a spook), a friend of Ludo (of Ludo’s father) and he was caught and imprisoned. Ludo was brought to ruin by his own plot when he tried to trick his creditors with leprechaun gold and owing money to goblins. The last line references his name. In Latin ‘Ludo’ means ‘I play’ and he was also a Quidditch player and a fool.

Riddle Set 4: Advocates for Free Speech

Riddle 1: Millicent Bagnold | brought to you by Wisewoman Chemical_Pixie

I oversaw the shadows most dark
During the days of sinking hope
A miraculous tragedy became our lark
And I gave the rights to cope
So basic, so inalienable
For a time not maintainable

The first two lines indicate the time during which Millicent served, at the height of the First Wizarding War (thus during the days of sinking hope). She was also in power when Voldemort fell; this is the miraculous tragedy referred to in the third line--miraculous because it was unexpected and single-handedly ended the war in a very miracle-like way, but a tragedy because Voldemort’s downfall also brought on the murder of James and Lily Potter. The remaining lines refer to her assertion defending the celebrations after the end of the war as 'the wizards’ inalienable right to party.” But of course, this time of peace and celebration is not maintainable, as Voldemort never truly died.

Riddle 2: The Daily Prophet | brought to you by Wisewoman Chemical_Pixie

A fluttering creature emerges from her well of stone,
Resting on Tudor’s grave, whose end was foretold
When the sun rose and set by the ancient crone.
Ursula presently delivers her tidings so bold,
Coming from the cave of her mind
To share with those of her own kind.

The first two lines refer to the prophetess Mother Shipton, who lived in a cave with a Petrifying Well (thus well of stone) nearby. The phrase “Resting on Tudor’s grave” references the fact that she lived during the Tudor period, and the phrase “whose end was foretold” references her prophecies of the end of the world and the end of the House of Tudor. These two phrases establish that the riddle is centered around something that tells prophecies, with Mother Shipton as an example of the prophet. The third line describes a day, with the sun rising and set[ting]--which, combined with previous lines, indicates that the subject of the riddle is a daily prophet. The last three lines describe Mother Shipton, also known as Ursula, who was born in a cave (thus cave of her mind) sharing her prophecies with others, much in the way that the Daily Prophet spreads news to others.

Riddle 3: Flourish and Blotts | brought to you by Wisewoman Chemical_Pixie

Halfway down the slant I reside
To offer services far and wide,
Where Light and King both collide:
The White Wave is to confide
For a darkness to preside.

The first line describes the location of the store, halfway down Diagon Alley (the slant). The second line refers to the variety of books sold by the shop (thus services far and wide). The last three lines refer to Lucius and Arthur’s altercation in the shop in the second book, which resulted in Ginny getting Tom Riddle’s diary. Lucius’s name means Light and Arthur’s name refers to the King. Ginny’s name means White Wave, and she confides/shares her secrets with Tom Riddle’s diary. In the last line, the darkness that presides references Tom Riddle.

 

The Accolades

The Wizard’s Council is incredibly impressed by all the campaign staff’s hard work during a tough election cycle. The Communicants would like to share some special recognitions for especially deserving campaign staffers:

For her inspiring and tireless dedication to the Calistair Campaign and her ingenious puzzle-solving attempts, which were a never-ending delight to the Council, we dub @MadiMalfoy Mage Madi the Magnificent.

For her spectacular story-spinning abilities, we dub @Rumpelstiltskin the Slytherin General, the Mother of Goats, the Goatfather.

For her incredibly convincing arguments around the virtues of metal money and its inherent inertia, we dub @juls The Honorable Exchequer. 

For her unparalleled expertise in all things occult, we dub @just.a.willow.tree the Supreme Sorceress.

For her truly astounding achievements in riddle-solving, including many late-night guesses and much persistence and creativity, we dub @WriteYourHeartOut the Great Sphinx.

For her unwavering persistence, initiative, and brilliance and her ingenious riddle guesses, we dub @nott theodore the Foxiest Riddler.

For her undying support of her fellow campaign staff from the start to the end of the election, we dub @Noelle Zingarella Dedicated Combat Support.

For the best show of teamwork and collaboration the Wizard’s Council has seen, we grant the whole of the Truth Campaign team the Capital Collaborators Award.

 

And Last, but Certainly Not Least, A Proclamation

In the midst of the chaotic election cycle, an independent candidate rose through the ranks rapidly. grumpy cat rose to power through her undeniable charm, thinly-veiled threats, and irresistible smile. 

Using her ties to the underworld, she bribed and persuaded the following organizations to endorse her:

Despite earning these numerous endorsements, grumpy cat decided ultimately to slink back to the underground and instead rule the Wizarding World with an invisible hand.

 

Thank you for reading!

blog post written by @sibilant and @grumpy cat , award graphics by @grumpy cat

¹ communicant is a person who imparts information
² intelligencer is a person who gathers intelligence