i touched upon this yesterday in a tweet which was this:

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i've realised that i write more (and better??) when i'm feeling not-happy (i don't want to say unhappy because it's different)

it's true that i use writing as an outlet for some of the things that are in my head, but more often than not, it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel worse because i immerse myself in these things, bad feelings and dark thoughts, when i write about them and it's basically a vicious cycle.

it would maybe be better if i could write fluffy, happy things, but i've found myself incapable of doing that.

idk if it means i'm damaged beyond repair, but even my supposedly humorous story with zero angst in it (herpo the unfortunate) still has some slightly dark-ish themes.

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this september was exceptionally productive for me, in terms of writing - besides some of my usual, always present angst that's entirely my own, my family has been going through some difficult things. my favourite cousin, with whom i grew up with, had to have a hysterectomy which ended up with some...complications. her husband has cancer and is going through chemo after recovering from an emergency surgery, and his prognosis isn't good. and her kids, one at her first year of uni, the other at his first year in high school, are just lost.

and here i am, things going pretty well for me, objectively speaking, and yet i'm still harbouring this ever present thing inside my head that doesn't let me have peace. it's better sometimes, but when other stuff happens, like with my cousin, it gets worse. and then i feel even worse because...things are good, right? compared to how they could be.

but i guess that's not enough for me. which sucks.