Thank you for saying all this. This is such an important thing for people to hear.

I do not personally struggle with depression, but my best friend in the world has for most of their adult life, and I know that when they are really in the trenches, the last thing they want to do is try to "reach out" for help. Because depression fools them into thinking that asking for help is putting a burden on other people, or maybe that nobody will really care enough to want to help, anyway. I definitely think it's up to folks who do not suffer from depression to do the work and check on their people, and hold space for them to not be okay, and show them that they are loved in all their wholeness, on the good days and the bad ones.

@FoxPatronus This is such good advice. I just wanted to expound upon it a bit (as well as the things that @abhorsen. mentioned). 

I struggle with depression from time to time, too. Usually my depression manifests itself as me trying to withdraw into myself; I’ll ignore texts or emails because talking to people makes me feel weary, I won’t go out much, etc. But that withdrawal comes with this huge sense of guilt, which is followed by anger and self-hatred. The cycle sort of works like this: I always feel massively guilty when I ignore those texts and messages and emails—but that guilt is battling with my weariness and inexplicable sadness and a lack of a desire for human interaction. Usually the latter wins out, but then the guilt transforms itself into anger at myself, for being too weak, for giving up, for another reason that I would normally recognize to be BS but would be amplified when I’m at my lows. It latches onto my insecurities and causes me to be overwhelmed with self-hatred—and that’s usually when I hit my lowest point. 

(Yeah, Depression Brain is seriously effed up.) 

When I was reading this post, I kept thinking about that cycle. If I’m at my lowest, I would hate to make someone else pull me out of the hole. That would make me feel insanely guilty and it would activate that cycle. So I think that if you’re sending those check-in texts, you should add that it’s okay for them to ask for help, whenever they feel like they’re strong enough to do so. Like Branwen said, this won’t magically cure their depression, but now they have something they can throw at their guilt to fend it off, and they can feel a bit stronger. 

The problem with depression is that it’s this hole that’s only big enough for one, so you’re stuck in there, all alone, trying to climb out. The only way you can get out is with someone else’s help—but you also have to try a bit yourself too. 

Think of it this way. People who tell people who are depressed to reach out are essentially telling them that when they’re standing down in that hole, they should shout for help. Okay, not bad advice—but they’re forgetting that the hole is continuously trying to screw them over. Every time they shout, the hole gets smaller and smaller and they soon suffocate. 

The better advice is that a friend walks along and they reach a hand down to pull you out—and you reach a hand out to grab their hand. You have to take the initiative too; in my opinion, it really can’t be a solo effort on either end. 

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Depression saps a person of their energy, and it makes even theoretically minor things seem like huge hurdles. People who are depressed will no do things they really need to do for days or weeks or even months. After awhile, the anxiety and shame over not doing that really simple thing starts to spiral in on itself, and that makes it even harder to do it (and also everything else).

It can be really, really helpful to have someone proactively reach out and offer to do one of those small, simple things.

Branwen, thank you so much for this.  This particular aspect of depression is not the only one I deal with, but it is the most constant and it is honestly unbelievable how exhausted and stressed I can become as a result of these small things. And the worst part is knowing that it's logically unreasonable to find these tasks overwhelming, because that makes it feel so shameful to ask for help. 

In fact, I have spent the past week in a depressed spiral driven largely by the dishes in my kitchen sink. I think if some magical fairy person came and washed them, I would literally sob for an hour out of relief. 

So, seriously, this is a great way to support your loved ones. Be assertive. Ask outright, "What is on your to do list?" And find a way to lighten the load. The impact for the other person will be so much greater than you might think (as evidenced by the fact that I am literally tearing up while writing this).