Name: MuggleMaybe (Signed) · Date: 12 Jul 2020 05:37 AM · For: Chapter 1

Hi Rose <3

 

Way to break my heart with this story. 

 

I think what makes this hit super hard - because it does - is the routine of it. This isn't a notable day. This is a record of an average day, and that repeated distance is what hurts.

 

The dialogue in this is SO PERFECT.

 

Second person is used perfectly here, too. Immediately I connected with the narrator, and it's super relatable because I think everyone has had these moments of trying to think through how to navigate a relationship, trying to figure out what to say or not say and all of that. There have certainly been people in my life that left me uncertain with how to react to things, and it's extra hard when someone's spouse who they love. 

 

And there is love here. There's love in that caress of the shoulder Frances gives, and in the narrator's knowledge of Frances' habits, and in wanting to connect. One of the lines that really got me was: "Nothing is worse than sitting inches away from someone you love but miles away from anyone who can show they care." 

 

*who CAN SHOW they care*

 

It's not that they don't love each other. It's that Frances is somewhere else, physically there but otherwise for one reason or another absent. Maybe it's depression. (lol do you like how I'm projecting?) This story makes me think about when love is enough and when it isn't, and how to help it be enough, or how to build the structures it needs. I think it's a really painful question, but also a valuable one, and a univrsal one.

 

The use of technology here is also super interesting, and kind of sad. In some ways, it's like technology is pulling them apart. I think it can be a vicious cycle of resigning to technology use when the other person isn't engaged, back and forth. Although with my parents, my dad isn't definitely more inclined to be sucked into the web than my mom. So maybe not. i dunno.

 

Anyway I hope this review was okay. This story is sad, and beautiful, and honest. 

 

So much love and a million hugs <33333

xoxo Renee

Name: Bunbury (Signed) · Date: 15 May 2020 02:37 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hey Rose -- here for EvS, Team Silver!

 

Oof -- I knew this was gonna be an agonizing read from the brilliantly chosen adjective, "pitched", in the 2nd line, and it certainly delivered.

 

The protagonist -- "you" (interesting choice) -- is almost optimisitc at first, "excited for [their] first opportunity to connect after a long, tiring day". But that optimism is deflated immediately by Frances's tight non-response, and from there it's all downhill. The story painfully portrays, and indeed induces, the discomfort of trying to engage someone who's apparently determined to remain disengaged. The protagonist invites Frances to talk about her day, takes an interest in what she's reading, tries opening up, but it's all bewilderingly, heart-breakingly, in vain. Throughout, the protagonist's inner monologue rings painfully true.

 

Still, it's more complicated than "protagonist is the good partner, Frances, the bad one" -- Frances is described as "the love of [the protagonist's] life", and she does demonstrate affection by squeezing the protagonist's shoulder and calling "Love you" on her way to bed. She even tries to engage the protagonist while doing laundry, though her words are drowned by the washer and dryer. I was curious about what she said, and how this exchange -- or attempted exchange -- would read form her perspective. 

 

An excellent portrait of frustrated craving for connection, dysfunctional communication, and love gone painfully cold -- great writing! 

 

<3 Jane 

Name: Dojh167 (Signed) · Date: 05 Mar 2020 01:39 AM · For: Chapter 1

This is so good and so painful and I'm never getting married and I love you

 

 

(also I can't not read Frances as a cat)

Name: MadiMalfoy (Signed) · Date: 26 Jan 2020 11:33 PM · For: Chapter 1

Heya Rose! 

 

I see that this was written for Kevin’s KO Challenge, so I’m curious to see how you took the “dysfunctional relationship” prompt and where you went with it. So the first thing I noticed about this relationship was the clear length of time these two have been married, and that they’ve settled into routines now that are obviously not healthy for either of them, probably individually, nor as a couple, but neither really knows what to do to break out of those habits and routines to fix their marriage. From the text our narrator Samantha receives from their friend, it’s extremely clear that this breakdown of their relationship and communication skills has been going on for a while now, and that the therapy they’re going to isn’t helping really at all either, but the friend doesn’t know what else to say so they just settle on a noncommittal reply. Samantha’s turning to her internet friends spoke a lot to me, as someone who uses the internet a lot and who has made some lovely friends and found kind, caring communities because of those connections, but she’s perhaps only using it to reinforce her perspective of the story and get the positive feedback she “needs” in order to feel better about herself in this marriage. Frances is clearly uninterested or uninformed about how to go about fixing her communication with Samantha, and doesn’t even realize when she can’t be heard over the noise of technology happening, but also doesn’t even attempt to initiate conversations with Samantha, who is supposed to be her partner for life. It’s a really poignant piece, and I hope you get to move onto Round 2 for this challenge. 

 

~Madi

Name: TidalDragon (Signed) · Date: 23 Jan 2020 05:05 AM · For: Chapter 1

Howdy Rose!

 

As expected this was high-impact angst. It also read really smoothly in second-person. That's such a hard thing to do well and you absolutely did. I really put me in 'my' shoes, immersing me in the emotional response to Frances's actions (or lack thereof).

 

I thought present-day was also the perfect way to tie the story to the title - all while making it that much more immersive for readers who live this in marriage, relationships, family, friendships. And at this point that's almost all of us in the developed world. I think that makes the piece all the more impactful because both generally and in the context of marriage, the story forces the reader to confront in themselves their relationship to technology and how it fits and effects their relationships with others. It raises not only the question of those effects, but also how the effects on and experiences of each person involved may, by their nature, diverge and have differing levels of impact. Frances obviously thinks this isn't a big deal, but it's somewhat open given the reference and reaction to Metafilter as to whether she knows that Samantha has a different reaction and she's deliberately inducing it other whether she's - perhaps because of the inherent intrusion of technology into relationships - unaware that it actually is a big deal for Samantha.

 

Obviously the dysfunctional relationship prompt really works on so many levels here: Frances and Samantha, their respective relationships with technology, technology's impact on society at large, and even technology's impact on the reader personally.

 

Thanks for sharing!

Name: grumpy cat (Signed) · Date: 05 Dec 2019 06:43 PM · For: Chapter 1

hey rose! i'm here with a smol review *_*

 

first of all, i thought that the ending line was so so powerful in conveying the emotions of the piece. it hits just the right spot in the feels, and i think that a lot of people would find it extremely relateable (as sad as that fact is :I ).

 

i was actually amazed at how you managed to tell just. so. much. of everything! in this short one shot. i mean, you've only showed us a brief exchange, an evening in their home but it speaks about so much more, basically about their entire marriage, or at least the place where their marriage is right now.

 

what's worse is the fact that there isn't really a...bad guy (? it feels weird to say that because i want to use something different, someone to blame) in the story. as much as the narrator has trouble connecting with her wife, i think that frances has issues with expressing her emotions and that, in her own way, she, too, has trouble connecting :( i can be mad at the whole situation, i can want to kinda shake both of them and hope they'll talk to each other, but there's a certain level of pity i feel for both of them. not pity, it's more...sadness, i think. and the level of passivity shown makes me even sadder because there doesn't see, to be any hope that things will be better.

 

i think you did a wonderful job with what the challenge prompt was, and i'm just. i feel as if the story is minimalist (which i love) but i'm also so entranced by the fact that it made me think so so much. not even just about their relationship, you've also done a great job at a bit of social media/general internet commentary. for something that's supposed to help us connect with one another, it's also the thing that can make us estranged.

 

what a great story. i really loved reading it.

 

kris

Name: Rumpelstiltskin (Signed) · Date: 04 Dec 2019 07:16 PM · For: Chapter 1

Happy Wishlist Season, Rose! I'm super excited to check out your Original Fiction *.* .

 

:( This story made me sad. It wasn't the typically sort of sad that your stories usually make me (where someone dies, and you break my heart, mostly :P). This sort of sad hits home because there is an oh-too-real possibility of it being something that can (and does) happen to couples. It's easy to dive into something and shut the world out around you, even if that something is supposed to be someone you love. Maybe it's the comfort that comes with a long-term relationship that translates as stagnant to sone people, which makes it even more easy to fall into a routine of escaping to the internet. 

 

I feel very bad for the main character. Staying home for long periods of time without that adult connection (without the conversations and the break from yourself and your thoughts) can quickly becoe very daunting. And feeling so distanced and so estranged from your significant other can make that a lot worse. It's amazing how technology can all at once bring us all together, just a message away from anyone in the world, and can take you so far away from people who might even be sitting in the room with you, even peoople who you care deeply about. 

 

I think what's more is that the attempt to change in this (with Frances' I love you, listening when the main character says that theyre sad, waking up to say goodnight) is at minimal effort, which also makes me sad. It sort of feels like their relationship is just getting swept away because at least one of them is constantly too preoccupied by the internet and not in the present with their actual, physical surroundings, including the people they are supposed to love in that room who need attention. I think that brings a very good 'moral of the story' to the surface, and I think that your story does a great job of conveying this, is to be careful about how you use your devices because they can break up interpersonal ties. 

 

Anyway, you did a great job with this (no surprise there) :P. Congrats on OF'ing -- woo!

 

-Rumpels