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You know, it fully struck me five seconds ago that I am not a Ravenclaw when I googled Iris albicans and realized that it is referring to, in fact, an iris, as in the flower. Rather than a bird. Which is what I honestly thought your title was referring to. Somehow. Did I confuse “Iris” with “Ibis”? Who knows? Did I forget that plants too have scientific Latin names? Very possible!
This is the most shameful opening paragraph to a review I’ve ever written omg.
I thought the opening to this chapter was just the absolute sweetest thing; I love how Iris has an older sister in the form of Hannah, and though they’re not blood related, it’s clear that Hannah fusses over her just as any good older sister should. Though, like Iris observes later on with her babysitter Viviane, not all sisters are good sisters. :P And even though Iris complains a lot about it (which is just the CUTEST), I’m sure she appreciates it in the end. But wow, I really loved all the sisterly moments in this chapter!! I mean, from the beginning to later, when Hannah gets so focused on fixing Iris up that she tries correcting all her stray strands of hair hahaha. I feel like Iris does depend on Hannah in a way, such as when she so cutely went and asked Hannah and her group of friends for help with tying the ties. I hope I can see more of Hannah later! I’ve developed such a soft spot for her. <3
All the children are so so sweet! I think you write eleven-year-olds very well—there’s an element of cluelessness combined with eagerness, and together, you have a recipe for earnest silliness, which I just love so much. I mean, when they believed that rumor about the troll hahaha, I wonder who started that? :P I like the possibility that Ron is the one who played pranks on younger students coming in, telling them about his exploits with the troll and scaring them. I adore the little trio already. Two of the three are Purebloods, correct? (I am such a huge fan of Astoria’s existence in the Potterverse, and so I love that she’s in this story! Which makes sense, too, because she’s two years younger than Draco.) I’M SO CURIOUS TO SEE HOW THEY ALL GET ALONG. <3
Something that I wondered as I was reading this is whether other students know that Iris is related to Harry? Obviously not everyone with the surname “Potter” is related to the famous Harry Potter, so I’m curious as to whether students think that it’s just a lucky coincidence, or whether they actually know that James Potter had a twin. And what does Harry himself know?? Was he told about his father’s family? How will he feel when he learns that he has family other than the Dursleys?
So many things are brewing, I feel, and I can’t wait to experience them! <3
Eva
Author's Response:Tbf, I had to go look up what an ibis is because I completely forgot they exist. Don't feel bad at all, Eva. Iris would love the ibis, though, because they are cute and birds. Maybe there will be an ibis in later chapters.
Hannah fixing Iris' hair is a bit of a futile gesture, as Iris has the Potter hair: untameable. Hers is longer than most, so it just sort of frizzes up, especially if it's raining. Hannah has been trying since they were young to fix it, and has failed every single time. Iris does love Hannah, not that she really shows it. I've always seen Hannah as the Mom Friend of the Hufflepuffs, though Iris will meet another Mom Friend that sort of butts heads with Hannah over the mothering of Iris.
Sylvia and Astoria are purebloods and Iris is [REDACTED], though all three come from very different families. I don't want to give away how Sylvia and her family are connected to the overalll plot, but her family is a bit more traditional than, say, Astoria's. I know this flies in the face of all that Rowling said, but I wanted to have at least one family in this that was Slytherin/pureblood that wasn't just 'Go Voldemort!' because I'm sure that not every single Slytherin was a blood purist. I picked Astoria's family because the Greengrasses are supposed to be rather prominent. It isn't like the entirety of the wizarding world was pro-Voldemort, especially not a decade at least after his 'death'.
So, Draco may amount to something of a cameo in this story, mostly in how he and Astoria interact (which, actually, is a bit fun to write). He has a small but very important role in the next one, but he and Iris don't really interact just yet (don't worry, they will). Let's just say that I feel really bad for him.
They might know that she's vaguely related, but, to be fair, Iris was raised in a very small village. She is a bit sheltered from the rest of the world, and not a lot of people really know that she exists. There will be an explanation about James' twin and why she would move somewhere that small and distant, but people mainly know Anne as a member of the Potter family. While writing this, I realized exactly how common the last name Potter is in Britain, but I figured it's not all that common in the wizarding world. So people might be like 'Potter??' but it's not like Iris is known by anyone. If anyone realizes, it's mostly due to the Potter family being nouveau riche from Fleamont's company. Harry is the celebrity in the family, not her.
Harry does not know that he has any relatives. All will be explained soon, not to worry. I feel bad for Harry, but he would have drastically changed if he had known about a relative from a young age. There is an explanation about why Anne didn't get custody of him when James and Lily died, but you will have to wait a while. I'll give you a hint, though: think about which of Harry's parents caused the protection charm.
Thank you so much for reviewing!
-A
HI. So excited to be back reading this story! <3
I think you have such a talent for putting subtle bits of worldbuilding into your, well, world. :P You managed to add such life and creativity to Ravenclaw (I realize I keep talking about it, but I’m not even kidding when I say that your Ravenclaw worldbuilding made me feel so strangely nostalgic for Hogwarts, which is amazing), and I love what you’ve done with Iris’s little hometown here. At first, I read through your descriptions, and just completely accepted the idea that, yes, of course they use two lanterns connected through some form of sympathetic magic to communicate, of course they do, of course, before I realized that it’s such a unique idea?? And I mean this in the best way possible—you write about Caer Sidi in such a natural way that it just becomes a very real place to me, and I love it.
Sidenote: I looked up Caer Sidi to see whether it was a real location, and according to Wikipedia, it’s “the name of a legendary otherworld fortress mentioned in Middle Welsh mythological poems” which is just absolutely fab. I love it so much!! Wow, knowing that just added a million more layers of intrigue to this little place. You mentioned in your review response last chapter that you wanted to crack Little Red Riding Hood jokes, which I also think is great! :P This story just gives me such a huge fairytale vibe, I’m so in love!
So I see that Sirius Black has caused a minor ripple effect! To think that people living so far away from Azkaban, whose lives will likely never be affected by him, are whispering to one another about him! It kind of highlights his frightening, disturbing reputation, which I think is really interesting…though I suppose distances are much closer in the Wizarding World than they are in ours. Iris is so cute, though, when she accidentally mishears Sirius Black as “seriously black” and then her mind immediately jumps to dogs, haha! It’s also incredibly fitting, considering, you know, Sirius Black. :P I love the small town feeling of Caer Sidi, how everyone knows each other’s names, and there’s this really comforting familiarity between the civilians.
But then we get to go on this exciting first journey to Diagon Alley! And I was so shocked when Iris said her surname, and it made me realize why you didn’t just introduce her outright as Iris Potter in the previous chapter, haha. Discovering it now, alongside Sylvia and her brother, made it all the more intriguing and entertaining. I MEAN, SHE’S A POTTER. THAT’S AMAZING. I love the idea of James having a twin sister—I wonder how she felt about Sirius moving in with their family? I JUST HAD A THOUGHT—what if Sirius Black is Iris’s father?? That would make a lot of sense, considering that Remus is her godfather! AHHH. Just a prediction, though! :P
I also wonder what Sylvia’s family has to do with Iris’s family; I don’t believe we’ve heard the name Selwyn before, and I’m really curious to meet this new family, and to see why Sylvia’s brother is so unpleasant seeming.
Great chapter! <3
Eva
Author's Response:Thank you so much for stopping by! I'm glad you're enjoying the story!
I'm glad you noticed Caer Sidi's name. I picked the name on purpose; I wanted it to have a meaningful name that wasn't overly obvious in its source. Honestly, I am most proud of the lanterns for things I created for this. I have no clue how they work, and neither does anyone in Caer Sidi. It's not like we spend all that long in Caer Sidi, but I really do love the place, as does Iris.
I always thought that Sirius Black was whispered about after his 'betrayal', so in Caer Sidi, they know him as sort of a scary cryptid. They're a mess of Muggle, Squib, and blood traitors, so they're not exactly an 'in' place in the wizarding world. They have one pureblood family that is seen as 'high-class' (you'll meet one of them eventually), and the rest are more working-class and middle-class. They are definitely not the typical wizarding village, and Iris has a bit of culture shock in any larger town or city.
Anne was not exactly a... fan of Sirius, but, to be fair, her favorite Marauder was Remus, followed by James. She is also the one who picked Remus as Iris' godfather. Hint: Iris was born on June 24, 1982.
I got the name Selwyn from the HP books, and it is meaningful. Sylvia's family will be explored later on, and I think you'll find their connection rather interesting. I don't want to give anything away, so I'll end this now. Thank you again for reviewing!!
-A
Hello hello! I’m here with the first of your prize reviews from my challenge! <3
I am absolutely loving the vibe of this opening chapter—a witch in the woods? Yes, please. The way you describe the surrounding woodlands is just simply magical; I can practically imagine little fairies dancing around mushroom houses with descriptions this charming and ethereal. Somehow, a well-described nature scene always draws me into a story, and this way, Iris feels a little more like a traditional witch (she lives in a cottage in the woods, enjoys picking plants, reads a lot, and is a rather individual person), which I just absolutely love. And it’s really great, the way you’ve tied her into the Harry Potter realm by connecting her to Remus! It’s so exciting reading about a Remus with a goddaughter—I wonder if we’ll learn more about their connection? Like how did he know her mother??
I am so excited that Iris will be going to Hogwarts soon! She reminds me so much of Luna Lovegood in some ways, with her curiosity about magical creatures and her whimsical nature, which is amazing because Luna is one of my absolute favorite characters. And evidently Iris is her own person, so I’m really curious to see where she goes from here! (I love that she’s a Ravenclaw, by the way, and I’m really glad that I’ll get to see this wonderful Ravenclaw House that you’ve constructed again! It’s really so unique that you’ve come up with all these different headcanons about Ravenclaw in Notes, and it would be cool to get a glimpse of that again. <3)
But even if Iris doesn’t focus as much on Ravenclaw Tower, I’m sure she’ll have so many exciting things to do. I really like the way you’ve set up the timeline; without just explicitly providing a date and stating where in the original Harry Potter books we are, you orient the readers really well with the knowledge that Remus has just been invited to Hogwarts to teach. So Iris will be a first year when Harry is in his third year!
Ugh so excited to read on! <3
Eva
Author's Response:Thank you so much, Eva!!
So, originally, they lived in a cottage in the forest so I could make Little Red Riding Hood jokes, but I completely didn't realize about the whole traditional witch thing. Thank you so much for pointing it out! Yeah, Iris is a bit... odd, though not in the way that Luna is odd. I can't talk much about it because spoilers, but I am glad that you like her. Honestly, Iris is a bit inspired by Mildred Hubble from Worst Witch, which I love very much, but she is definitely a product of who raised her. I had to do a lot of thinking about how Remus would be as a parent, seeing as we don't really see that side of him in canon. It was a bit interesting, how... well, not mercurial, but contrasting his parenting is. He is both overprotective (for a rather good reason) and chill. He lets Iris, as we see in this chapter, traipse around the forest, but she isn't allowed to go into the village by herself. Remus, himself, is a bit contradictory. He seems like a nice, quiet bookworm, and then he shoves a wad of gum up Peeves' nose.
I had a lot of fun putting McGonagall in. I toyed with Iris not connecting the dots about the cat and McGonagall, but I thought it would be funnier to have her toy with the idea of trying to learn how to become an Animagus due to that. Obviously, Iris is eleven and not good enough at magic yet to do it (she's clever, but that takes a lot of skill and hard work), but she is clever enough to know that the tabby cat is a professor. Now, why she's never met McGonagall before, I have an answer. It will be revealed later in the story.
Luna will be showing up before the end of this story (I make no promises beyond that), and their relationship is definitely interesting. I had a lot of fun writing the Ravenclaws, both in this and Notes, and, despite Iris being very much not a fan of crowds, she does get to know a few of her eagles. Not to worry. The bulletin board from Notes will become very familiar in about, oh, two and a half of Iris' stories. It's more a story about Iris discovering a few things for herself, but Ravenclaw does play a reassuring part. It's sort of the homebase for Iris, like the cottage is when she isn't at Hogwarts.
I always knew that Iris would be starting Hogwarts during Harry's third year, partially because that's when Remus starts teaching at Hogwarts. There's one other reason, but that will become apparent by the end of this story. I've tried to keep a little bit to Rowling's timeline, but I might take liberties here and there due to timeline issues. I can't wait to see what you think about the village outside of the forest.
Thank you so much for reviewing! I hope you have a lovely day, and thank you so much for hosting that challenge!
-A
Hi Robin! I’m here for our swap :D
It’s so sweet that the Abbotts take care of Iris when Remus is…dealing with this furry problem. I like how you’ve connected Iris to more canon characters this way—and I’ve always thought the Abbotts seemed like good people. I also love that Ingrid’s hair is in a braid crown—shallow, but it’s such a sweet hair-style.
This glimpse of more of the wizarding world with the confetti for first-time Hogwarts students makes the story come alive. Also the fact that the cabin will take care of itself—somehow I think that it’s pretty magically protected. I really like all the details you’re adding. I also love that Iris is taking so many books with her to Hogwarts—even though she knows about the library. I expect she won’t have to worry about living in the dungeons—it looks to me like there’s only one place for her :D
It’s interesting that, while Iris is obviously interested in learning things, she’s aphrenrsive about sitting through classes. I bet that it will be a culture shock when she has go to school more than one week a month.
I’m glad to see the budding friendship that Iris has with Sylvia—and it’s nice to see Astoria here too. The girls are cute as they get to know one another and I love that they don’t know how to tie their own ties. It shows how young they are and is quite endearing.
And is that Susan Bones? I agree, having the Dementors at Hogwarts was no good. But then, I don’t think they should have been guarding Azkaban either :S
The bit about having to fight a troll to find out what house you’re in was funny. Good to see that the older students still give the younger students a bit of a hard time. :)
I also like how quickly Astoria, Sylvia, and Iris become friends. It reinforces how young and open these girls are.
Nice work and thank you for the swap!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Thanks for stopping by, Noelle!
I was originally just going to have one of Anne's old friends look after Iris for a week a month, but then I thought about giving her a few more connections to canon characters. For some reason, I always imagine Hannah Abbott (when she's older) having a braid crown, so, of course, I was going to give her mother one. Hannah is, honestly, the closest thing Iris has to a sister, and Hannah (in her own way) cares about Iris. Ingrid is nice on the inside, but a bit brusque on the outside.
I really wish that I could have had more of this one set in Caer Sidi, but there wasn't a good reason to, plot-wise. Not to worry, though, because Iris would never abandon the cottage. It does show up again, not to worry. The funny thing is that I seriously considered putting her into Slytherin. But she is in Ravenclaw for Plot Reasons (and because she would never fit in). She definitely enjoys learning things, but she doesn't like being confined in a classroom for hours on end.
The Hufflepuffs make a cameo in this, mostly so that they can be brought up later in the story. Personally, I think it was a very bad idea to have Dementors at Hogwarts. Azkaban should be changed (and I do have something about that later on), and there is definitely a debate about that. Because, of course, what is Ravenclaw without debates?
Yes, Elena did run into Fred and George. I always found it funny that Ron didn't know that there was a Sorting Hat. Even if Bill and Charlie didn't mention, I'm sure that Percy would go on about it. I imagine that Fred and George like to tease the first years with the troll bit, seeing as how well it worked on their own little brother. I also think that most of the kids in the wizarding world know about the Sorting Hat, though, of course, there are kids that wouldn't have heard of it.
I do enjoy writing the friendship between the three girls. Their dynamics are definitely different from Harry, Hermione, and Ron's, and it's interesting to see how that works in their earlier years. Originally, I was going to have Iris and Astoria meet in Madam Malkin's, but I decided to have her meet them on the train. Sylvia and Iris are more similar than Astoria and Iris are, but the three have a very tight friendship.
-A
Hello! I'm here from the forums with your requested review!
I really enjoyed this first chapter. It was short and sweet, and left me wanting to know what happens next. Your writing is lovely, and your descriptions paint a vivid picture of Iris' forest and the private, peaceful life she lives there. She's very sheltered, and seeing her in the outside world is something that makes me excited to read on, especially with what she might get up to at Hogwarts!
What I also loved about this chapter is the set up. As it's set in Harry's third year, we're familiar with what happens, so I'm really excited to see how Iris fits into the story!
You've also done a great job at capturing Iris' voice. The story definitely has a child-like style which I find sweet and realistic for an eleven year old.
Great job with this!
Author's Response:Thank you so much for this very kind review!!
The forest is definitely Iris' comfort zone, so it's fun to put her in Hogwarts, which is pretty much the opposite of the forest. It's a bit of a culture shock for her. I'm occasionally referencing things that happen in POA, but most of them (though a couple do) don't have a huge impact on Iris' life. This story, now that I've thought it a bit through, is going to be a bit more of a slice-of-life, if you will, than a straight up HP-like book with danger and such. Her story does escalate, but she isn't the Chosen One, so no one's really going after her.
I was really worried about Iris' voice because I don't want her to sound too childish, but I also don't want her to sound wayyyy too mature and knowing what's going on. It's a little hard to strike that balance, but her voice will change as she grows up because, of course, she will change.
Thank you again for reviewing!
-A
Hi Robin, back for more!
How interesting that Iris's forest is Unplottable--and I love that she is clever enough to figure that out on her own. And all your world building is lovely! I wonder what Remus tutors Muggle children in--and it makes sense that he would have to take work in the Muggle world since it is so hard for him to get it in the wizarding world. I loved the post office and the pub, and also the way you slipped in the "seriously black" introduction to Sirius.
I adored the moment where Iris is miffed that there aren't any pockets in her school uniform skirt. I hate not having pockets too!
I hope that Iris and Sylvia get to be friends--and it seems really in character that Remus cautions Iris, but doesn't forbid her to talk to Sylvia. He tries to see the best in everyone, doesn't he?
The owl is so cute! And the plot thickens--Iris is a Potter and has an unknown father??
The final scene with Iris and Remus eating ice cream together is just so sweet.
Nice work!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Thanks for stopping by, Noelle!!
I wish that we could spend some more time in Caer Sidi, but, alas, Iris would be rather sad if she didn't get to go to Hogwarts after hearing so much about it over the years. I had some fun coming up with the inhabitants of Caer Sidi, especially since I'm keeping to Rowling's thing about Hogsmeade being the only 'all-wizarding' village. Caer Sidi is made up of a motley crew of blood traitors, Squibs, Muggleborns, and the other unsuitables in magical society. And, yes, I only had Iris half-overheard Remus and Octavian's conversation so that I could make a joke about a seriously black dog. Fun fact: I used to headcanon Sirius' full name as Sirius Lycoris Black, just so I could make Sirius Ly Black jokes. I have no regrets about this, but now his middle name (in my things) is Orion.
This isn't in the story, but Remus tutors the Muggle children in Latin, English (like literature and the likes), and history. There's nowhere to outright mention it in the stories (Iris will hint at it), but it's something that influences both his teaching style at Hogwarts and Iris' general being. She was tutored with a few of his students (and there were a few not-Muggle students of his, though those never lasted very long), and she knows a bit more about Muggle subjects that a few of her classmates.
I thought for a while about what he would tutor. I knew it would be humanities (because I'm projecting slightly onto him for this), but I wasn't sure what sort of humanities. He is slightly influenced by Chiron in the Percy Jackson series in this, and I thought that Remus would know Latin, if only to make cracks to his friends about spell incantations. He knows enough math to make sure that Iris keeps up with it while she is at Hogwarts (poor child, especially without a calculator), but I saw him as more of a literature or history guy.
Iris is very fond of pockets, mostly because she will lose any sort of small bag she is given to keep things in. She won't lose a backpack, but just give her a clutch and watch it be put down and forgotten. I am also a huge fan of pockets, to the point where most of my dresses have pockets in them. This is a trait I gave Iris, especially since she likes to pick up cool rocks and leaves and put them in her pocket to show others later.
Oh, Remus. My sweet summer (although, I recently remembered his birthday is in March, so spring) child. He is probably one of my favorites to write in this, other than someone we're going to meet very soon. I find him surprisingly easy to write, so he does show up a lot (and also being Iris' guardian and a professor and a Very Important Character).
Yes, okay, Roland is my favorite to write (but I meant someone who shows up in the sorting chapter as my favorite human to write). I love him so much. I thought about giving Iris a cat, but I thought that an owl would be more useful for her. Roland is very adorable and does many things for owl treats. And snuggles. He and Iris are alike, and Iris cares for him very much. Roland does his best to carry letters and such for her, but he is not very large.
I love writing cute scenes with Iris and Remus being family. I just like Remus being happy for once. He really does care for Iris like she's his own daughter, and he has raised her from the age of three (mostly) by himself. She takes the most after him than either of her parents, and I try to show that they have a happy family, even if it is only two people.
Hehehehehehehe. That is all I have to say on the matter of Iris' father for now.
-A
Hi Robin!
I love how cozy Remus's and Iris's cottage sounds. Being in the Welsh woods close to a village with other magic folk--but far enough to have some privacy sounds like the perfect place for a childhood. I also like how Iris is so obsessed with the Hogwarts library, even before she gets there. She'll be a Ravenclaw for sure!
I'm very curious as to why Remus has kept the fact that he is a werewolf secret from Iris, and I wonder what will happen when she finds out the truth.
I like the mention that Iris accidentally lit the table on fire with magic as a small child.
A nice start!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Thank you for the review, Noelle!!!
I may or may not have created the cottage from what I would love to live in. And for Little Red Riding Hood jokes I could make in later stories. My rationale for why Remus wouldn't move them is that it's in a forest, so if anyone manages to hear him howling during the full moon, they might just think it's a regular wolf. Remus definitely told her all about the library; I've always headcanoned him as a bit of a bookworm, even when he's no longer at Hogwarts. He and Iris are a lot more alike than people think, and not necessarily just in that regard. Remus also told her stories about Hogwarts as bedtime stories when she was younger.
I played with Remus having told her that he's a werewolf before the story started, but I didn't think he would want her to know. I was going off of how he acted about Teddy in DH, and I wasn't sure that he would tell a child this young that he was a werewolf. He is very ashamed of being a werewolf, and he has tried to not necessarily coddle, but definitely shelter Iris from anything he thinks would be dangerous for her. Now, that isn't to say that Iris might not know. Just that Remus didn't tell the child who tries to read all of his magical texts whenever she gets the chance. You are in luck, though, because things may or may not come to light later on in this story.
Iris has a, ah, proclivity for causing trouble with magic. It's not explored in this story, but her bursts of accidental magic were a bit more explosive than Harry's were. The setting the table on fire incident wasn't her first bout of accidental magic, but it is very similar to the other incidents.
-A
Here for BvB!
So is Iris the adopted daughter of Remus? I'm curious to see more about their relationship. So far Iris seems like a bright and kind girl. I could definitely see her in Ravenclaw like she wabts. I'm also also interested to see book three from a perspective outside of the Golden trio. It seems so far she isn't aware of Remus being a werewolf either, so it'll be interesting to see how that revelation goes.
A solid first chapter. I think this is an interesting OC you've made and I'm looking coward to seeing how things go once she's reached Hogwarts.
Author's Response:Thank you for reviewing!
Iris is Remus' adopted daughter, though he didn't exactly adopt her by choice. She is the daughter of a friend of his, Anne, who he lived with in that cottage, and Anne died when Iris was about three years old. Remus is a bit of an unsure guardian, and I hope that comes through when there is more of a chance to show their relationship. He never really knows how, exactly, to parent. He's very similar to the Remus in canon, and I thought for a while about what sort of parent he would be if Remus had ever had the chance to be a parent to Teddy. As we see in DH, he is against the idea of having a child of his own because he doesn't want to pass on his lycanthropy. I haven't written him becoming Iris' guardian yet (though I have a couple of ideas), but he definitely thought that, when Anne found out that she was pregnant, he would never become her guardian. There are a couple reasons why Remus became her guardian, which will be explored once certain things come to light.
It's interesting, having a Remus is a guardian be teaching at Hogwarts, especially when said ward is a first year and even more so when Sirius Black has escaped from Azkaban. I wanted to explore the whole Sirius bit a little bit more through Remus' eyes, since we really only see Harry's perspective in the books. After all, Sirius was one of his best friends and the only one of his friends (to Remus' knowledge) that is still alive. He's a bit concerned that his ward is going to Hogwarts when there are Dementors, much like he is concerned for Harry due to Sirius Black escaping. I tried not to change too much of Remus' core character because I find him very fascinating, especially in POA. The only major change I've really made is that Remus gets to be a parent to someone, and how that's changed him.
I toyed with the idea of Iris being fully aware of Remus being a werewolf and Remus knowing that she knows from the beginning, but I never really thought that Remus would tell her. He's always ashamed of it in the books, and I couldn't see how he would tell a child that he is in charge of that he turns into a werewolf every month. That isn't to say that she doesn't know that he's a werewolf, but it is unclear at this moment in the story. Remus, to me, seemed like he would be both an overprotective parent and a less restrictive parent. An example of this is that Iris is allowed to roam the forest pretty much at her leisure, but she isn't, for example, really allowed to go anywhere else without him, not even into town. I have a bit of fun writing Iris and how she reacts to things, and I hope you enjoy when she gets to Hogwarts.
-A
Hi Robin,
I was pleased to see that, although you have used an opening that has been used countless times before -- a student receives his or her letter and goes to Diagon Alley to do school shopping -- you have managed to imbue it with an innocent freshness, a sparkle, that makes it delightful to read.
We see the familiar shops in Diagon Alley through the eyes of someone who has never been there before. For example, at Madame Malkins, "Iris stepped inside. She had never seen so many pretty fabrics before." At that moment we are not just seeing what Iris is doing, we are inside her head. I also particularly liked her reactions to the various pet animals she saw in the pet store.
You have good world-building in your depiction of Caer Sidi, where the women wear robes only on holidays, the post boxes in the post office serve for both magical and Muggle mail, and the town has public transportation, as evidenced by the presence of a bus stop. And you make good logical points -- one needs to wear warm clothing under the robes, and the ties are enchanted to change color after the Sorting is done. (I always wondered where the students got their color-coordinated ties; assumed that the prefects kept a stock of them for firsties.)
A particle of advice: read through the manuscript once more carefully for bobbles, such as "Uncle Remus told me that he was your Head of House when he was at Hogwarts," and "A golden signet ring gleamed on his pinky ring." There are a few other minor things.
But I must say that it is a joy to see the skillful, correct use of punctuation, especially the dialogue punctuation, which is the editorial downfall of so many authors.
Authors who begin their story with the Hogwarts letter, the Diagon Alley visit, and the train ride often seem to be slogging through these events as if they were mandatory, not commencing the real plot of the story until after the main character's first days at school. But you have begun to weave your magic from the very outset. Good job!
Vicki/Oregonian
Author's Response:Thank you for reviewing, Vicki!!
I was worried that it would come across as something that had been done before, starting with her getting the letter and everything, which is one of the reasons that I left out her actually reading the letter. That, and it would have been the exact same as Harry's letter. I've written quite a bit of Iris' later years at Hogwarts (whoopsie), so it was interesting going back and looking at her as this rather naive first year. She's a bit in wonder at everything, but I tried not to have too much description. I have a bit of a problem balancing description and dialogue, and it doesn't necessarily help when introducing information without info-dumping, especially so when Iris is a bit of an info-dumper naturally herself.
I've done a bit of world-building for Care Sidi (probably wayyyy more than I need), and it was fun, sprinkling in some details. They're on the edge of Muggle and magical, mostly because Hogsmeade is the only 'all-magical' village in Britain. I wish we could have her spend more time in Caer Sidi as the happy little eleven year old, but she does hve to get to Hogwarts at some point. The ties have always bothered me, and I had no idea where they would get them in the books (and I had no idea how the robes in the books would really work, hence just adding in the movie uniforms under the robes in here). Thank you so much about the punctuation! I have a little bit of a thing for semicolons, which isn't always helpful, and I try to make sure that everything is as it's supposed to be. Sometimes, of course, the bobbles get missed (whoopsie!), and thank you very much for pointing them out. I was trying to have it from Iris' point of view, but it sometimes comes across as a bit too childish, for lack of a better term. I don't want her to sound too smart for her age, but it's a balance I'm working on.
The first couple chapters, unfortunately, are the events that we've come to know and love and are necessary for someone going to Hogwarts the first time. I'm currently still working on the train ride/sorting, and I've been trying to tie in plot things near the beginning so they can grow over time. I felt that I rushed the Sirius Black thing a little bit (and Sylvia was a bit of a late addition to this chapter, but I wanted to slowly add things in), but I didn't want it to come out of left field later in the story.
Robin
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