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What an intriguing first chapter! You've really set up a solid foundation here, because I feel myself full of questions I want answered. Based on the summary alone, I sort of thought I had an idea of who this guy was and what his deal was, and that we'd be following his hunting down, but now I'm not so sure, seeing as he may be dead! I thought your writing was also really good, with solid descriptions and even a bit of humor to break up the tense chapter when he walks into the room to announce someone may be out there only to be met with that snarky response! haha Anyway, I really enjoyed this, and could be a fun and interesting read!
Hello!!
Dropping by for the winter cheer! Honestly I feel like this gift is a gift for me because as I read this chapter I kept thinking to myself 'Why has this not been in my life until today??' (knowing that my own absence from the forums is to blame, but still...)
If I wasn't already hooked by the summary and the genre, you made sure the chapter did me in! I usually review as I go but with this I was already elbow deep halfway into the chapter before I realized I didn't document real time reactions!
So I did not see that coming at the end. The amount of info we were finding out about this character convinced me we were going to be seeing more of him that the killing curse at the end jolted me.
Gosh so many questions! Who was this intruder? Who hired him? Who were the ten people? What were they up to? Why did he go to Azkaban in the first place?
I simply love the way you set the whole tale up. The action sequences were written so wonderfully, and the whole chapter flowed so well. I wonder if this is the murder that Lily is investigating? I love the intrigue so much *gleefully rubs hands together*
I can't wait to catch up on the rest of the story!
Happy new year!
~XOXO Vaish (Ysh)
Hi again!
I like the changes of scenery, first setting in the dingy and gloomy Dark Artifacts Evidence Room, and then the investigation in Knockturn Alley -- another dead body, but this time Lily gets to be involved with it.
Thank you for the discussion about the feelings of dark magic that emanate from cursed objects, and the significance of whether the object is otherwise ordinary-looking or eye-catching in some way. I'm sure that that consideration will come into play later in the story. What's so special about that locket?
And now we have a body already stiff with rigor mortis in a corner of Knockturn Alley, a large pile of Dark artifacts heaped up next to the wall of a decrepit, abandoned building in the Alley, and a Knockturn Alley shopkeeper with suspicious goods and an unhelpful attitude.. This scene is all quite vivid and holds my attention (maybe we all feel that way about Knockturn Alley, don't you think?) I am eager to learn more about what is going on.
I scrolled through your AP briefly to see if there was any obvious reference to Alexandra Walker and what happened to Lily's brother James. Nothing leapt out at me on that topic, but it looks as if you have a lot of great stories there, and I should spend more time checking them out!
Thank you for writing. Great story!
Vicki
Hi, Olivia.
I see that we have an entirely change-of-pace chapter here, catching us up on the current particulars of the family. Harry is now a DADA professor at Hogwarts, and I agree with your assessment that it would be a good fit for him, considering how well he talught his fellow students in Dumbledore's Army. James is living with the aftereffects of an undescribed attack by someone named Alexandra Walker (maybe it's described somewhere in your earlier stories), but she must have been a bad actor because James is glad she's dead.
There are references to Percy's first job with the Ministry, many years ago, in which he was involved in the regulation of cauldron thicknesses, but he has undoubtedly moved far beyond that assignment now and it has simply become a perpetual family joke that even Percy laughs at now ("...a hint of amusement in his eye...", "...trying to suppress a smile..."). Occasionally one sees fanfics in which the authors try to maintain cauldron thickness as a current and serious concern of Percy's, but that would be unrealistic -- it has long since moved into the realm of family jokes -- and I'm glad you treat it that way. All families have jokes based on stuff that happened a long time ago.
Thanks for the warning at the end that things are going to become dicey for Lily and stay that way for a long time. Looking forward to it.
Vicki
Hi, Olivia! I have read all five of your so-far-posted chapters because you said that this story is your 'baby,' but i will start reviewing here with the later chapters that don't have so many reviews yet.
To deal with a little issue of maintenance first, I think that your opening line, "The next morning I concerned Malcolm in his office," might have been intended to say "...cornered Malcolm in his office." Perhaps Auto-correct has struck again! (If not, please ignore this thought.)
All these first three chapters have been a pleasure to read. The writing is very smooth, flowing, everything easy to visualize, with steady pace and germane observations. Not too much extraneous description, as one sometimes sees in stories. Not too much of Lily's thoughts straying far off the plot line, as one sometimes sees in stories. "Just the facts, ma'am," as a detective story should be.
One might suspect that the dead body in the alley will eventually be tied to the smuggling of the Dark Magic artifacts, so that Lily will get her wish to be involved in that murder investigation. I liked the bit of humor about wizarding travelers who tried to bring back flying carpets from their travels abroad, not realizing that it was illegal. I'll bet that Magical Customs workers had plenty of funny stories to tell, even if not seriously criminal. :) The suspected smugglers of Dark Magic articles sound like a whole different level of bad actors, and I liked your brief descriptions of them.
I will continue reading and reviewing your 'baby.' It looks as if Lily is going to be on a rapid learning curve. Thanks for writing this very promising story.
Vicki
Hello! Here with a little review for your wishlist! Happy holidays! :D
This was a great opening chapter! So mysterious! So intriguing and atmospheric! And I have so many questions already... who is this man? Why did he end up in Azkaban in the first place? How did he get involved with this group of criminals? What are they up to? What happened to his brother? Is there a correlation with what happened here? And what was the killer's actual objective? Was the man murdered simply because he was standing guard, so he was an obstacle for the killer, or is there something else going on here? Well, I'm sure we'll find out all the answers in due time... :P
Wonderful job on this! Loved the built up and your writing style, you have such a natural flow and your descriptions are beautiful! And of course, it's the perfect opening to lure the reader in! ;)
Big snowball hug! Happy new year!
Chiara
Hi! I’m here for your wishlist!
Murder?? I am very excited by this prospect. Probably a little more than I should be, but there’s nothing more I love than a good murder mystery. Also, I love the title.
It starts with the murder?? Ooooh, this is off to a wonderful start. We see the crime, but, obviously, we don’t know who the murderer or the victim is. All we really know is that he’s someone who escaped from Azkaban and now works as security for some guys who are definitely up to no good.
I don’t think it was the Ministry. I could be wrong, but if Lily’s going to be investigating it, then it’s probably not. That would be a very intriguing twist, though.
This was a great start to what’s going to be a great mystery. I am definitely going to be coming back when it isn’t super-duper late and read the rest!
Thanks for writing this, and have a happy winter!
-A
Hello!
I’m here to spread some holiday cheer as well as gift you a review for your wishlist! Oh, and definitely loving the title as well!
The beginning piques my interest because you set up a scene quite wonderfully with a mysterious wizard with a not so great track record who is doing his job of standing guard for the shady clients that he’s working for and letting the readers know about what’s happening without giving too much away! I definitely have to wonder if he’s guarding a wizarding world version of a mob or just people who are important like in the Ministry but are crooks and or bad people outside of the job. If that makes sense? It’s also interesting that he’s also doing this job while trying to not risk being caught by the Aurors that he’s trying to hide from too.
I do have to ponder as to what happened with his brother in the past and why he’s no longer alive. Come again, the job that he’s doing is probably a very dangerous one and maybe it’s what his brother had also done. I do like that you give us some backstory or detail about his past as well!
There’s so much tension as the wizarding is trying to do his job yet something disrupts him from doing so and we’re equally clueless as he is to what’s coming which I love as well. Oh, and I love this part, especially the wording in this sentence: “The force of the spell threw him backwards and he grunted as the ground came up to meet him. He landed hard on his back and felt all his breath leave his body as his wand flew out of his hand.” I like the wording of how the ground meets him but also the fact that it has the reader get that sense of uneasiness as to what’s about to happen or what’s to come.
The way you ended the chapter with a green light flashing in front of him sends a chill to my bone seeing as we can conclude that he’s going to be a murder victim for a possible mystery case and this event is something that is able to set up what the main story is about. If I’m not mistaken, I do recall from the reading of the story’s summary, this definitely is not the main character. Still nonetheless, despite that.
Honestly such a great way to lead into the start of the story and what’s to come! Honestly this makes me ponder what it’ll happen next as well! For now, definitely will have me asking so many questions and eagerly anticipating the next chapter! Amazing job!
-Diana/Di
Hello again! I was keen to catch the start of Lily's POV after the setup of the previous chapter :)
Aw, poor Lily -- I can relate to her reluctance to get up, ha. Eleven hours of sleep sounds like a dream -- how dare anyone try to interrupt, even for a house viewing v_v I'm enjoying the touches of worldbuilding you've got here though -- the struggle of renting magical apartments based on space, the designated Apparition points to make life easier for the population, the expansion of certain places in the post-canon era, I'm so here for this kind of stuff :') And I'm very [eyes emoji] by the hint that Harry didn't want them living in Godric's Hollow. I wonder if that will come back later?
In any case, no matter how much Lily tries to tell us otherwise, the fact that there's a dead body in one of the alleyways does not leave me with the best impression of the place :P It was neat to see Lily in Auror-mode though, evaluating her surroundings and doing her best to get as much information as possible for her department, and weighing up the decision of having Jacob accompany her through the house.
Lily's last interaction with her boss was particularly intriguing, I'm very curious about how she is going to end up investigating this case -- as the summary indicates she will -- when there is this initial roadblock of Hermione's conflict of interest rules. I'm really liking this setup you've built, and I'm sure I'll return at some point to see how it plays out!
In the meantime, happy holidays
Hello Olivia! Here for some wishlist-y winter fun, and your summary intrigued me right away ^_^
And this prologue for sure kept up the mystery! It's always such a cool way to be thrown into a story, to get a snippet of POV from someone who isn't our main character and who ends up being (I assume) our murder victim -- it raises all sorts of questions about what led them here and who killed them, which I am looking forward to seeing play out in the rest of the fic :')
I really like the way you've dropped us into this situation, too -- it's utterly natural, what this guy is reflecting on, and what he's thinking about, and it drops just enough information to intrigue us without giving too much away. I'm super interested in this guy's past, how he managed to skip probation -- was it really as simple as just going to France? -- and what happened to his brother and whether that has any bearing on his current situation. And of course, what is happening in the meeting that he's guarding, and why were they under attack! Lots of questions raised here, and I'm very keen to hopefully discover some answers to in the next chapters!
Emily
Ahhh I identify deeply with Lily's aversion to mornings. And yes, it is true, those of us who are not morning people always end up married to an early riser. :P
I love that you addressed the issue of Undetectable Extension Charms and when/where they can be used. There must certainly be limitations on their use, like the one you've put here -- otherwise people would just be using them all the time! (Now I'm also imagining that, aside from being unable to use extension charms on a rented residence, perhaps even when you own the residence you need a permit for extension charms, like a building permit.) XD
And you've really thrown Lily right into the thick of things, discovering the body. It probably makes good sense barring her from the investigation since she's a witness while off-duty, but still plenty disappointing for her.
I'm excited that there's an organized crime component!
Melanie <3
Hi Liv!
I love when a story starts in such an unexpected way like this -- in media res, but also from a different POV than the person we know will be the main character. Having it from the murder victim's POV is awesome too, because I expect that's the beginning and end of everything we're going to see from his perspective. :P And there's plenty of info in this opening chapter to intrigue us, but not nearly enough that it spoils any of the mystery. The chapter creates more questions than it answers, and I'm very :staring eyes: about what's going on here.
Also must say, fantastic opening and closing lines!
<3 Melanie
Hi! I had to go on to the next chapter, because FABULOUS HOOK was present last chapter. I hope there are more of those on the way!
I am a morning person, but Mr. Pix is definitely not. I can certainly buy in to this dynamic between Lilly and her person. It was nice of him to butter her toast. All Mr. Pix gets is a free shower with some hot water left.
Alright, so going from sleepy to wide awake as we discover what presumably is the dead body of the poor guy from chapter one. Oh dear! I’m not so sure I would call Godric’s Hollow a safe place to live. I mean I understand why Lily’s dad thinks so, but you know, all the stuff you don’t see going on in Godric’s Hollow is probably just as dangerous as the stuff you see going on in a larger city that seems more dangerous outwardly. Just saying.
Exhibit One: dead body on the ground with a gaping hole in the door.
“Clearing a house alone was no fun.”
Also dangerous, Lily. Are you still in training, not waiting for the backup? I did appreciate the jump-scare though. ????
Ah darn it! Lily’s off the case due to a technicality. And they missed the house appointment by a mile. Crazy thought: wouldn’t it be just funny if THIS was the house they had the appointment for, with a dead body and a hole in the door???
Okay, maybe not funny.
Cool story!
Pix
Hey there! Happy Wintertime Fun!
Also, “Hanging on a Wandtip” is a most excellent title for an action-adventure/mystery romp, and I am here for this!
I love how inside the head you are up front with this character opening. So he thinks there’s a person inside that he’s guarding, but man, when you aren’t given anything else, the mind does tend to fill in the blanks with inevitable guesses. Ah, haha! Of course you need to know who’s there, but you don’t want to because that would mean there’s Someone There, and that might be the Wrong Someone. I’m on it!
Except he’s not. Oh no! I wonder if the people inside were scrambling through the back exit, because I know I would. This was a fantastic setup and a riveting action sequence. So fun to read!
You really know how to hook the story!
Pix
Ok, I am absolutely back to spread more cheer! And I love the "early bird / night owl," dynamic in a partnership. It definitely makes for great grumpy love cuteness hah. Which Jacob and Lily totally are.
"We had considered using an Undetectable Extension Charm on our flat to make it bigger on the inside, but apparently that didn’t work in buildings that charged rent based on space."
^^Ooh this is such a great worldbuilding detail! I love anytime the limitations of magic are explored! :)
And oh boy, the man died, and they found him. I love how Lily comes across as calm and highly astute. All good qualities of an Auror. But we definitely see those fiery, defiant streaks at the end when it becomes apparent she disagrees with the protocol of being able to be involved in the case.
Again, Liv, your attention to detail with setting the scene is excellent! I see everything so clearly and feel like I am right there in the middle of it all.
Oracturus Clanagahn is such a great name for a magical character, btw! I'm so curious to learn more about this organized crime group that he was involved in and all they got up to.
This is a great second chapter!
<3 Courtney
Hi Liv! Here to spread some holiday cheer!
I am most intrigued by this character! You set the scene so well but maintain this air of intrigue that kept the questions coming in my mind. Is this guy dead? Who is he? I wonder if he's a member of the Black Family becaue of the chapter title? Who is he protecting? Why?
So many things that need to be solved...but this is a mystery, so I'm sure you're going to take us on a wild ride in solving this!
One thing I really liked that you did was to use all of the senses to get us to connect with this individual. And you sprinkle so many useful pieces of information about this person. He has a criminal past. And he's likely working on getting a second chance at life, considering he's "low man" in this operation with how little he knows.
I'm immediately drawn in and now I will be rolling right into chapter 2!
Great job!
<3 Courtney
Hi! Here for our swap! And ohmygosh - this was such a great beginning!
The character in this first chapter is so interesting. I'm not sure that he'll play a part in later chapters. I was thinking this might be the probabtion-skipping bloke from the summary but the ending of the chapter had me doubting myself. Either way, he's fascinating.
The advice from his brother makes me feel like this is a character that's been on surival mode from an early age. I'm curious as heck to know what led him to Azkaban and what happened to his brother - though these questions might not matter anymore if he's dead?
Also, I want to know more about the people who hired him. Like, why are they hiding from aurors? Obviously they're doing something dubious, but what? They sound like terrible people. The way they responded to his warning was snarky and pompous.
I loved the action at the end. You did such a great job with the description of it and making us feel like we were right in the middle of it all. The ending was completely unexpected, though, really, now that I think about it, the whole chapter was sort of building up to that moment.
You've done such a magnificent job of setting the mood and leaving us with eager for more answers. I can't wait to see how Lily fits into this whole story and how everythning else unfolds.
I'm 100% intrigued by the this story. Thank you so much for the opportunity to swap <3
Love, Quilly.
LIIIIIVVVVV!!! Im baaaaaaack!!!
Oooooh okay so this is jumping into the action super quick and now i have to know who this person is guarding and why they want to hide from the ministry. I mean there are some obvi reasons, but i just wanna know what *their* reasons are…
OH DANG so we got a bad boy on our hands? Interesting, very interesting… ;)
OH OKAY JUST CASUALLY DROP THE DEAD BROTHER CARD i mean its a good prologue because im super fucking interested in what this is all about
Okay so the dude who hired him is obvi an asshole but like also its like lowkey fair on both ends? Like yes i did hire you for security but also yes please tell me if i have to leave immediately ya know?
Oh damn WAIT IM CONFUSED did you just kill this character liv?? Whats happening??? Damnit i gotta keep reading because what just happened??
Okay so going back to the story summary, this is the murder that lily is investigating, but damn i really really wanna know backstory about not only this prisoner but like also everything? Like what is happening? Was murder the expected thing? Who was hiding from the ministry? WHAT IS HAPPENING???
Anyways, all this to say this was an amazing opener and we either have to swap more or i just have to flash review the rest of these and then annoy you into continuing this story, yeah?
(lo)ts of (lo)ve <3 [(lo)l]
lo <3
hey,
here for the galazy reviewing event :)
this seems like a new update which is so exciting because I love to keep my eye on this story for the future because it's so promising and i love so much already. I loved seeing the family reunion and having a mixture of characters here which is so fun. I think in particular your portrayal of James is something really different and interesting, I kinda hoping that this Alexandra Walker is incase dead and it's not the seeds of something to come, poor james. it's just something totally different that you've done with his character which is really cool.
omg, i'm dying that the scenes with percy, camille and elaine. like this chapter was so funny as well as dealing with some darker issues. the 'ducks' v the 'fucks' like omg i laughed out loud at that line, the whole thing was so bloody hilrious and well done. I love that percy was the one trying to rein them in, the poor cabbages. I love a bit of family gossip about the body, and percy got another cracking line in there but the auror regulations. i would love to see this story more because it's so good!!
Abbi xx
hi,
here for the galazy reviewing event :)
ahh, this is very interesting! maybe lily's case won't be such a dead end. I'm not surprised she wanted in the sexy murder case and was even willing to go to her boss to try and get what she wanted. we love a career queen. she's obviously very strong willed. I thought though frustrating her boss was quite balanced about it, at least she's just no involved because she's a woman. we don't like stuff like that!
I'm hoping lily's current case is going to twist into the murder case. i do love her determination with her job. hopefully the smuggling case proves to be more interesting that she first thought. she seems to have an easy rapport with others even if she is blunt about it. ah, a family dinner! that's always good for setting out some family dynamics or conflicts into the story. I can't wait to meet everyone soon!
Abbi xx
Hello,
here for the galazy reviewing event :)
I was thinking about the beginning of the chapter that this was such a contrast to the last chapter. Lily seems like a likeable character, the first line was just so different to the last chapter but i loved how the tone changed to reflecting the everyday. it's a good introduction to lily's character and I really enjoy her narration so far. I'm relating to her hard with her love of sleeping haha.
oh this is where is takes a twist, so the murdered guy from the last chapter is now found by lily and jacob in of all places godric's hallow. Is it an accident that he is found by lily? was he meant to be found by lily somehow to keep her out of the investgation for some reason? is that even possible? lily is obviously very sharp and quick thinking person also ambitious from her desire to be on the case and certainly doesn't look like she's be able to stay off this case. I can't wait to see where you're going nect now the mystery and detective have been set up.
Abbi xx
hello,
here for galazy reviewing event :)
this first chapter created so much interest! the details don't really give much away about whats going on but increases the mystery which is exciting. we're seeing it through the eyes on this guard. it's obviously an important project if they don't know whats going with it (but he doesn't even seem to care too much) the tension really built up throughout the chapter. I wonder what is going to happen next. i love the opening uncertainty.
I think you're doing such a good job at building up the interest in this first chapter. I have lots of questions! the ending was a brilliant cliffhanger xD also i totally love the name of this story too!
Abbi xx
Hi there! Here for a review for the galazy :)
I love the mystery that we start with. We haven't been giving a name, and he doesn't even know what he's guarding, himself. It really immerses us in a fogginess from the start. And then you drop that one line about his brother...I love that quick aside, something so important that he tries not to think about <3 love it
Oh god this was such an intense second half! I love how he is so quick to react, thinking through the possibilites of who it could be, even though it doesn't really matter to him. The apathy you put into his character really shines through in this chapter, and I wonder what/who will change that about him? :))
And then that last jet of green light...what a cliff hanger! I need to know what's coming next
Thank you for this great chapter :)
Catherine
Oh dang.
This is definitely the type of chapter that makes you go, "and I thought it couldn't get crazier after that prologue...guess I was wrong!"
I don't read many Next-Gen stories, so this is exciting to me. As I mentioned in my last review, I really enjoyed the prologue, and the mystery/crime has already captured my interest.
I like your characterization of Lily in this first real chapter! I totally related to "not a morning person" even after sleeping for eleven hours, haha. My poor husband has to tempt me with coffee or tea from across the room for me to even consider getting out of bed before noon on most days. *shrug* Hey, if I don't have to be up...y'ain't getting me out of the coziness of bed. So, so far Lily and Jacob are #relatable. :D
When they found Clanaghan's body, I was actually really nervous that there would still be dark wizards in the area. I'm glad there weren't, but I also am just so curious about what's going on! I hope Lily finds a way to snoop somewhat even though she won't be on the investigation officially. Or maybe she'll find a way to get on the team even though she found the body! We shall seeeee.
Great first chapter! I'll read on soon!
Best,
Emily
*for the Fairyland review event*
This has got to be one of the coolest openings to a mystery story that I've ever read! It's super interesting to see a scene from this perspective—we're watching it unfold, but we really don't know anything about the character we're watching. But we're also in the super-close third-person POV, so it's almost like we're living what he's living.
You set the mood here perfectly. There's something so eerie about the quiet night and the rudeness of the criminals he's guarding. And then there's the attack and it's like we want this POV-character to get out of this situation, but we also know that that's almost going to be impossible.
His murder is obviously the impetus for the story, and you set it up perfectly. I'm already asking so many questions about this guy and who he was and why he was killed. As well as what, exactly, we're in for in terms of the Bigger Picture.
Great prologue!! I'm excited to read on. :)
Best,
Emily
*for the Fairyland review event*
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