Name: LadyMarauder (Signed) · Date: 04 Feb 2020 03:12 PM · For: Hubble's Law

Hi Melanie!

 

I'm really enjoying this story already and it has been written so well. I really feel for James as he seems to think his life is nothing without Quidditch, which is actually quite a realistic feeling I imagine for sports stars who throw everything into their careers and make huge sacrifices. The final couple of sentences were really worrying as clearly his situation is more than just a career ending, his mental health is worryingly deteriorating. I really hope someone close to him notices he isn't well and steps in as he seems to be really struggling.

 

In terms of the rest of the chapter, I really loved how you structured this one. I like how you have incorporated newspaper headlines into this piece as well as the letter from Harry, as it really highlights how downhill James' career has gone since his injury and really broke up the narrative well. It's really good to see outside James's thoughts and into the opinions of others, without necessarily having dialogue.

 

I really liked this whole chapter concentrating on James and his mental state, rather than having other distractions as it really highlights just how intense the media coverage is, and how he is just so hard on himself. I really hope he manages to get out of this dark place and figure out what he is going to do next.

 

This was a great chapter and I'm looking forward to finding out where this story is going to go.

 

Tasha xx

Name: Crimson Quill (Signed) · Date: 26 Jan 2020 10:20 AM · For: Hubble's Law

Hey!

I love what you've done with this chapter! I think it's so clever how you've used the newspaper clippings into the narrative. I think each headlines is really effective for his reflection on what's happening to him and makes it really engaging for the reader instead about just getting his point of view. We are also able to see into others reactions to his story. I feel really bad for him. You've done really good job at evoking the emotion in James. I think sometimes it can be difficult for men to get emotions on but you've really worked it well.

I love how you've compared physical pain with his emotional pain within the chapter. That seems to be a running them throughout the chapter. I think it's interesting that you've chosen to do that but it's so effective. James seems like a character who would have trouble processing these really dark/negative emotions. I think you've capturing his grieving progress in a realistic and this pack an amazing emotional punch for the reader. At least I feel like that. This story has really caught my imagination because I think its such an almost unique view on James.

The end line is heartbreaking! That really gets through how he is feeling and it is really dark. It has me wondering for the next chapter and the wider story because how does someone get over feeling like that? How is his arch is going to develop and bring him back around into a point of acceptance. I REALLY want to see how you are going to this and I am excited! Great job!

Abbi xx

 

Name: cambangst (Signed) · Date: 20 Jan 2020 07:59 PM · For: Hubble's Law

Hi. Melanie,

 

This was a really sad chapter. I hope James can escape from being down in the dumps soon, but that doesn't really seem consistent with his character. Highly-motivated people are usually hardest on themselves.

 

The newspaper clippings were a great vehicle to explore the depths of James's depression and disappointment. You could easily follow the progression from hope and determination down the spiral. 

 

The part about the team captain turning on him really stood out to me. You have to wonder whether James would have been doing the same -- perhaps in a nicer way -- if it had been one of his teammates and not him. Pro sports are brutal.

 

Good job with this chapter! I hope James's fortunes turn soon!

 

-Dan 

 

Author's Response:

Hey Dan,

I had a good time crafting James's character in this story. It's easy to sort of write him as a carbon copy of his grandfather, which is tempting and wouldn't be unreasonable considering James is the first child and born into relative privilege and certainly a lot of fame, with two athletically gifted parents. So there are times when you'll see little glimpses of some cockiness and to be frank, he can be a little bit of a bro in my view -- but I also wanted to add this slightly darker, more morose aspect to him, maybe even a depressive personality type. I hope one day to get back to writing The Morning Waffle, where he's one of the MC's and you get to see him a little less bitter than this (only a little, though).

Coming up with the headlines was fun, and a good way to cram a year into a very short chapter, ha!

Sadly, James is not done dealing with pissy teammates. I do hope you'll continue reading, and I would love to hear more of your thoughts! James is going to stay angsty for a couple of chapters, but the later chapters (beginning with ch 4 and onto the last chapter or two I'm still working on) have really been some of my favorites to write because you'll get to see his family back in play trying to manage this situation.

Thank you again so much for dropping some love on this fic!

Melanie